Alone.

That's how I'm feeling lately.  It's like nobody understands - nobody.  Granted I spent surgery day through Wednesday on the couch, pretty much by myself, which can lead to isolation and loneliness.  However, even after time with friends and family . . . I'm alone.  Nobody fucking understands. If they do, they certainly don't act like it.  If they know, they sure as hell aren't reaching out.  I feel like I have to do all of the calling, emailing, messaging, reaching out.  Sometimes I simply need someone that understands this battle to get in touch with me and say, "Hey.  It sucks. I'm here for you." and then I feel like I can actually talk to them about this island I feel to be stuck upon day after day, month after month, year after year.  Nobody can fix it.  I know that.  But, geez, I'm feeling so isolated.  Each day that goes by is another pregnancy announcement, another birthday for a child that was born after I lost my three babies, and other reminders that I'm broken and barren.

* People that haven't been through this - be quiet.  You truly have no opinion to me.  I know you mean well, but STFU.  What you have to say usually doesn't help but makes me feel as bad if not worse.
* People that understand what it's like - help me out here.  Don't hole up also and let me figure out where you are by some random happening.  Please don't make me feel so alone by not reaching out.  If you're in the trenches it sucks for you, too.  Can't we help each other out here?
* People who have been through all of this and now have a child - don't act like you have elevated above my status and I can't be your friend because it's too hard.  Yeah, you have a child/children, but you know what it's like.  You aren't above it and I know I am certainly not.

Now that I write all of that, I KNOW there are going to be some people that either think or write to me saying, "I'm sorry. I hope I haven't done that." or "I didn't mean to." or "You're just so bitter.  I miss the real you." or "I don't know how to help you anymore." or other comments and advice.  This isn't about anyone in particular.  It is about ME.  It is about the fact that I'm going on cycle 40, and the family that I have dreamed about for years - the family that we've been wanting for years - isn't happening.

I'm only in this life for true friends now.  I'm too old for anything else.  This is a serious battle here, and I need some serious people in it with me.  Put up or shut up.  Be with me or get the hell out of my way.

Does that sound selfish?  Probably.  Do I expect to be the #1 priority to anyone else but me?  No.  Do I care?  No.  I'm the person who has given up more than my share of time, effort, love, money, care, and life to everyone else.  It is time that DH & I get what we want and deserve.  Do I know that has/may cost me more friendships?  Sure.  Sorry, but if you aren't willing or able to stand beside or behind me in battle, be gone with your bad self.  I may love ya, but go away.

Hold on to my dreams?  Believe that it can happen?  Keep trying?  Keep fighting?  Give up?  Lay down?  Quit?  Surrender?  Hell if I know.  I'm tired, and I just don't know how much longer this can go on.  Really - how long do you fight until it's time to lay down your weapon and surrender?  I'm just about out of energy, emotion, money, and time.  I don't plan to surrender until I am told I have no other choice, but still . . .

Brought to you by the bitter bitch who is feeling better physically but still dying inside.