Marching On

Oh, March.  As a young girl, I always anticipated March as it neared.  Each flip of the calendar took us one day closer.  Magical March always brought such joy and happiness.

I wish it was the same now.

Instead of being excited about March, I look at it differently as an adult.  With age comes disappointment, loss, fear, struggles, and trials.  As much as you hope, they are the things that your mom can't just kiss away.
When I was younger, I looked forward to my next birthday, Spring Break, flowers beginning to bloom, things beginning to grow, the weather getting warmer, wearing green and drinking green beer on St. Patrick's Day.

I wish it was the same now.

Those things still happen, but they are different now, just as my world is different now.  Age, time, circumstances, and life have taken some (okay, a lot) of that youthful innocence and naivete away from me.  Although I know that March still brings us the opportunity to create new memories, I am also haunted by some existing memories.  Another year without a baby, another wedding anniversary without a baby, another year to remember our honeymoon when we created our first baby, another year to remember our first bfp, another spring break to remember my third and last miscarriage, another year without my grandmother, Mary and another several weeks in the push to successfully prepare my students for state-mandated testing like I did in the past when I was pregnant.

Yet the grass will begin to get green and flowers and plants will begin to grow and bloom.  We will still have a week of respite to re-energize ourselves to get through the rest of the school year.   It will get warmer outside.  We will celebrate my birthday.  We will celebrate our anniversary.  We'll dig out something green for St. Patty's Day and maybe enjoy a green beer.

We will continue on this path called life.  But it won't be the same . . . at least not to me.