I'm struggling with the "what-ifs" right now. I can't even put it into words and have it make sense. Unfortunately, this mental game I'm playing in my head isn't a good one. The cyclical "what-ifs" aren't good ones but more of me having an attitude of failure, the attitude of a fatalist. They are all thoughts revolving around us becoming a family - however/if/when that is supposed to happen now. Oh, how I wish I could turn all of these thoughts around into an attitude expecting positive outcomes.
Racked with fear, my mind and my heart race. Sleep doesn't help. Walks in the crisp, wintry air doesn't help. Meds don't help. Alcohol doesn't help. Comfort food doesn't help. Sex doesn't help. Mental escape doesn't help. All of those things that good addicts and other escapists use are no good for me. While some may alleviate it for a short while, I feel that my insides are blanketed. I see through the same eyes, using the same mind, and depending on the same heart, but everything on the insides is blanketed in . . . whatever this is.
It's not depression. I know too well what that feels like. It is a lonely, lonely place. A solitude that nobody - not even those closest to me - can quite comprehend. Just a place where I find myself more often than not. Is it fear? Yes. Is it grief? Probably. Is it sadness? Maybe. Is it fear of loss and/or failure? Always. Is it fear of success? Most likely.
So here I sit inside the glass. From this perspective I can't tell if it's half-full or half-empty. This glass may have absolutely nothing in it, but I just can't tell. I can see everything outside the glass, but I don't know if any can see me from out there. I can scream from within the glass, but I don't think anyone can hear my silent cries. Every now and then, I hear tapping from the outside of my glass. Excitedly, I think it might someone coming to help me, to throw me a life preserver, or to save me. Yet it is most typically just another person who needs something from me. Ha! They think I have something left to give??? So, instead of trying to figure it out, I just keep sitting here. In my glass.
Paralyzed.
Wondering.
Hoping.
Fearing.
Praying.
Dreaming.
But not doing a damn thing about it.
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8 comments:
I, for one, think it is totally okay to "do nothing" for a while. God knows, girlie, you deserve a break from all the EFFORT that have gone into the past months/years.
Maybe you can't see us through that glass, but know there are a select few of us holding vigil outside your secret place. We're here; we aren't asking anything of you; we're just waiting to give you whatever we have whenever you may need it.
We're hanging on with you, never doubt that. xixixi
I second everything Writer Chic said (man, she's good with words!)
We love you and are always here for you in whatever capacity you need.
Oh Kristin how my heart hurts for you. I know our grief is so very different, but I, too, have been inside that glass. Some days I still find myself sitting there in disbelief that anyone could live or function outside it. But I know there are people on the outside for both of us helping as we climb our way out.
Like the other commenters have said, we're here for you.
Continued thoughts and prayers for you.
This can be paralyzing and often times we feel stuck. I wish the path could be clear(er) so we can have just one day while on this journey to take a breath and have a moment of peace.
You hang in there, take time - the next step(s) will present itself, this I know to be true.
Thinking of you!!!
Hugs my friend
I'm tapping on your glass... Not needing a thing...just letting you know I'm here for you and feel your pain with you and would do anything to help you...
love and prayers, my friend!
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