Victor Maitland

I have a Victor Maitland.

See it?  Do you???  THAT, my friends, is the "Victor Maitland."  Freaking hormones breaking out my face like a teenager and/or Victor Maitland.  (In case you don't know recognize the name, it is from a character in the movie "Beverly Hills Cop.")

PMDD?

I had an OB/gyn once tell me that I had PMDD.  I don't believe him.  He must've caught me on a bad day or something.  I'm really just a crazy, emotional, psychotic bitch no matter what time of the month it is.

- Deep Thoughts by kekis

Because Everyone's Doing It

Yeah, I know . . . "If everyone jumped off a building, would you do it, too?"  The answer is maybe.  Guess it would depend on who is jumping.  :)

I first saw the 30 Days of Blogging challenege on Susan's blog.  Since then, everyone else seems to be doing it as well.  So, yes, I am jumping off a bloggy building with everyone.  Deal with it. 

Why don't you join us and do it too?!  Feel free to borrow my list and post it on your blog.  Let me know if you are taking the challenge by leaving a comment and/or linking back here, so we all can read your ramblings.



Day 1: My Current Relationship

This is easy.  I'm married to Mr. Rambler.  We've been married for four years and ten days.  We dated for almost 3 1/2 years before we married.  We shacked for a little over 2 of those years.  I went into the ugly cry when he proposed.  He's almost 6'4".  I mean, what am I really supposed to write?  Guess I better do some digging.

My DH is a man of such strong character.  He always does the right thing because it's the right thing to do.  He is by no means perfect, but he is perfect for me.  He is patient with me.  Sometimes he even thinks I'm funny (which I AM!).  He is very tender-hearted whether it always shows or not.  He LOVES Christmas.  It's all I can do to keep him away from the Christmas decor until Thanksgiving is over.  The love he shows for our pets is amazing.  I know that he will be a good father, and I hope and pray that happens.  Not only do I want a baby/family, he does as well.  I cannot wait to see him as a Daddy.  I could cry just thinking about it.

So, as I bring this ramble to a close, my current relationship is my relationship with my husband.  This is something I cherish more than anything in the world.  We are a family.  DH, me, Pippin & Steve.  We hope to enlarge that family - some way, some how.

What I've Done

I'm cheating and borrowing from Ashley Ann at Ash Rants for this post.  Everything below in bold, I've done.  I would like to do many more than I have!  Copy this on to your own blog & bold the things you’ve done if you like.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (Disney World)
8. Climbed a mountain 
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo (Car & shower don't count, right?  Oh, it means in front of other people, huh?!)
11. Bungee jumped (Will NEVER do this.)
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run (I suck at baseball.)
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House (Driven by it, but I don't think that counts.)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby (Well, isn't this a funny one?)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Inside the Glass

I'm struggling with the "what-ifs" right now.  I can't even put it into words and have it make sense.  Unfortunately, this mental game I'm playing in my head isn't a good one.  The cyclical "what-ifs" aren't good ones but more of me having an attitude of failure, the attitude of a fatalist.  They are all thoughts revolving around us becoming a family - however/if/when that is supposed to happen now.  Oh, how I wish I could turn all of these thoughts around into an attitude expecting positive outcomes.

Racked with fear, my mind and my heart race.  Sleep doesn't help.  Walks in the crisp, wintry air doesn't help.  Meds don't help.  Alcohol doesn't help.  Comfort food doesn't help.  Sex doesn't help.  Mental escape doesn't help.  All of those things that good addicts and other escapists use are no good for me.  While some may alleviate it for a short while, I feel that my insides are blanketed.  I see through the same eyes, using the same mind, and depending on the same heart, but everything on the insides is blanketed in . . . whatever this is.

It's not depression.  I know too well what that feels like.  It is a lonely, lonely place.  A solitude that nobody - not even those closest to me - can quite comprehend.  Just a place where I find myself more often than not.  Is it fear?  Yes.  Is it grief?  Probably.  Is it sadness?  Maybe.  Is it fear of loss and/or failure?  Always.  Is it fear of success?  Most likely.

So here I sit inside the glass.  From this perspective I can't tell if it's half-full or half-empty.  This glass may have absolutely nothing in it, but I just can't tell.  I can see everything outside the glass, but I don't know if any can see me from out there.  I can scream from within the glass, but I don't think anyone can hear my silent cries.  Every now and then, I hear tapping from the outside of my glass.  Excitedly, I think it might someone coming to help me, to throw me a life preserver, or to save me.  Yet it is most typically just another person who needs something from me.  Ha!  They think I have something left to give???  So, instead of trying to figure it out, I just keep sitting here.  In my glass.

Paralyzed.

Wondering.

Hoping.

Fearing.

Praying.

Dreaming.

But not doing a damn thing about it.

2010 Survey

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before? Jabbed myself with several needles each day.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't do resolutions anymore because if you want something, just make it an every day goal for yourself instead.  It doesn't have to begin because the calendar changes.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?  Of course, EVERYONE either gave birth or got pregnant.  Didn't we already know that?  What a crappy question. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?  Many - too many.   Let's see, there was . . . (1) My friend, Kacie, who died from complications of RSV after a successful bone marrow transplant for leukemia;  (2) My friends' infant daughter, Kelsey, who died from complications related to Down Syndrome;  (3)  Our beloved Mackey dog;  (4) My uncle (Dad's brother, who was estranged from most of the family);  (5) My last living Grandma (paternal gma) died;  (6)  My aunt's son (who I guess would be a cousin, but we never met); (7) The husband of DH's mom's best friend from cancer; (8) My friend, Lynn, who was such a a gentle giant lost his battle to cancer; (9) My step-mother's mom; (10) My best friend's brother; (11) a friend's husband; and (12) My friends' sister/SIL who was brutally murdered by her husband.  Gosh . . . DH and/or I went to all but a couple of those services & we're funeraled out.  Hope 2011 is better in this department - MUCH BETTER.

5. What countries did you visit?  USA!  (Georgia, San Francisco, and Texas)

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?  Hhhhhmmm . . . let me think.  This is a hard one.  Sarcasm?  No.  Heartache?  No.  Oh yeah!  A BABY.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory?  Too many - and not in good ways.  Mostly May 8th when we lost Mackey and December 3rd when our IVF cycle went down the tubes.  Our July and August travels had some great memories though!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Getting through the year without my body killing an unborn baby or losing my damn mind.

9. What was your biggest failure?  Can I get a free pass on this one?  I think we all know this answer, so I'm not going to repeat it over and over again.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?  Mental?  Yes.  :)  I almost sliced off two of my fingers while chopping bell peppers, had my annual sinus infection & bronchitis, and at least one hooha party-related surgery.

11. What was the best thing you bought?  All I can think of is anything that I paid for with cash.  :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?  DH's and my own.  Other than DH, my mom, sister, stepdad & best friend earned some points for meritous support that I need to blog about soon.  My cousin & his wife (shout out J & T) for their support from afar.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  The behavior of my uterus & ovaries get to go first here.  Other than that, I'm disappointed with the behavior of a few of my family members completely ignoring the fact that our IVF obviously didn't happen.  Of course the behavior of some of my students' parents.  Those people don't deserve to have children, yet they do and I pay for some of them.

14. Where did most of your money go?  Yet another silly question.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  Thinking IVF would be our ticket to a baby.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?  There are many.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
             i. happier or sadder? hell if I know
            ii. thinner or fatter? same, still fat
           iii. richer or poorer? same I guess, which is a fairly poor teacher

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?  I don't know.  Cleaned & organized the house I guess.  Exercised.  Walked the dogs.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?  Cried.

20. How did you spend Christmas?  Two days before Christmas was spent with my Dad, stepmom, sister and her family, two of my nieces and one nephew.  Christmas Eve was spent with Todd's uncle and his wife and a few family members and friends.  Christmas morning was with DH and our pets.  Christmas Day was at my mom's with lots of family and a couple of friends.

I have no clue what happened to #29.  I copied this from another blog & she didn't have it either.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?  Yes.  I fell in love with my husband again.

24. What was your favorite TV program?  I've been watching that stupid All My Children for almost 30 years, so I should probably rank it first.  I also like a bunch of reality crap like Big Brother, Amazing Race, etc.  Embarrassing but true.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?  No.  I don't hate others.

26. What was the best book you read?  The Hunger Games trilogy (and I'm not a big reader)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Glee  :)

28. What did you want and get?  The year to end - and it did!  Of course, DH got me lots of great Christmas presents too.

There is no #29 either! WTH?

30. What was your favorite film of this year?  Eclipse?  I dunno.  I don't watch a ton of movies, and when I do, I always forget them.  The Sound of Music is always my #1 movie & I watch it at least a couple of times per year.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?  I worked on my 42nd birthday and DH and I went out to dinner that night for my annual crab legs feast.  He hates going with me because I meticulously pick out every.single.tiny.little.bitty.piece of crab and savor every bite.  It literally takes me over an hour to eat.  I love it!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  Well, hell.  Why am I doing these questions again?  Am I that desperate for a post?!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?  Comfortable - I'm not big into fashion.  I just like clothes to fit and not make me look fatter than I already am.

34. What kept you sane?  Prozac and Xanax.  And I'm not kidding.  DH helped too.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?  Hugh Hefner -- hahaha!  I kid!  I kid!  I don't "fancy" people (that sounds weird), but Clooney is still hot in my book.  Let's go ahead and add Bradley Cooper too.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?  I'm not into politics, but I think anyone that is so passionate about something that they aren't willing to consider or listen to other sides bugs the shit out of me.

37. Who did you miss?  My grandmother, Mary, and I'm still missing her desperately every single day.

38. Who was the best new person you met?  I'd have to think on that one.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:  You are stronger than you think.  (it's a recurring theme)

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your whole year:  "So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways, all my underdogs . . ."  Either that or "Turn off the lights.  The party's over."

The Little Things

I was bored today, so I straightened my hair. Good news! It is officially long enough to put it up using a pencil! This is a huge deal for me. After losing most of my hair from the after-effects of m/c #1, it's taken for.ev.er to grow out.

I'm currently sitting here with a wooden skewer in my hair. Sometimes it's just the little things. Woohoo!

My Crazy 8s

Okay they aren't really crazy 8s, but Katie either wants to know more about me or wants you to know more about me!

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:
1. Tomorrow at 12:45 when my students leave!
2. Getting out of here on Friday for summer vacation!
3. Seeing family this weekend.
4. DH's 40th coming up & a surprise for him.
5. Sleeping.
6. Having an open schedule with no work necessary!
7. Scrapbooking
8. Going home to a clean house after the maid's visit today

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Worked
2. Laminated a bunch of stuff for the next school year
3. Took a nap
4. Went to Bunco
5. Drank some wine
6. Field Day at school
7. Spent time with my niece, Whitney, since she came over for Field Day.
8. Filing

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Have a baby
2. Quit being so anxious
3. Stop procrastinating
4. Keep this blog updated more frequently
5. Buy a new digital SLR camera
6. Learn to sew
7. Draw
8. Take a nap right now

8 Shows I Watch:
1. All My Children
2. The Office
3. The Bachelorette
4. Amazing Race
5. Big Brother
6. Friends
7. News
8. Army Wives

8 Favorite Fruits:
1. Strawberries
2. Blackberries
3. Bananas
4. Plums
5. Grapes
6. Apples
7. Watermelon
8. Oranges

8 Places I'd Like to Travel:
1. Australia
2. New Zealand
3. Italy
4. Spain
5. Brazil
6. Throughout the US
7. British Virgin Islands
8. Tortola

8 Places I've Lived:
1. Plano, Texas
2. Dallas, Texas
3. Richardson, Texas
4. Commerce, Texas
5. Carrollton, Texas
6.
7.
8.

8 People I've tagged: (if you feel like it):
1. Any
2. Person
3. Who
4. Would
5. Like
6. to
7. Complete
8. This

ABCs of Me

I've probably done this before, but since I'm super stressed out right now with work and exhausted when I get home, this is what you get. Hope you don't feel too cheated.

Amazing Grace is a song I sing in the shower.

Black is a color I wear often.

Cats - 1 - Mindy (age 16!).

Dogs - 3 - Mackey (14), Pippin (6), and Steve (5)

Eggs are only semi-appealing to me if scrambled.

Finding good deals when shopping gives me a crazy, natural high.

Grass after it's been cut makes me sneeze like crazy.

Having children sometimes seems so out of reach to me.

Ice (and lots of it) in fountain drinks is essential.

Jim is my Dad (step-dad).

Kristin is my first name.

Leigh is my middle name, given to me from my Dad (his name is Melvin Lee).

Mel is my Dad.

Never will I jump from anything high (buildings, planes, mountains, cliffs, etc.).

Octomom is a crackheaded nutcase IMO.

Patricia (Pat) is my mom's name.

Quitting is not an option, even though I often feel like it should be.

Realizing my grandmother is really gone is still difficult.

Steve is my 110 lb. baby dog. I once told DH that he should be happy I met him before we got Steve. God, I love that dog.

Todd is my handsome husband.

Ultraviolet rays quickly burn my very fair skin. I've had more sunburns than I can count on my hands.

Very little work is being done by me today.

Why? I really want to know.

Xrays have been made of my body from head to toe.

Yelling is not necessary in an argument.

Zero is the number of children we have, and I hope and pray that changes.

My Interview

Shanny sent me some interview questions, and here are my responses:

1- Was there anything you learned about your hubby after you had been dating for a while that surprised you? That he was still legally married. :) His divorce was in process when we met, and it was not finalized until we'd been together for about 5 weeks.

2- What came first: the chicken or the egg? Since God created Heaven and Earth, I'll have to say the chicken. Honestly, that question still really baffles me though.

3- What grade, kindergarden through college, was your favorite? I'd have to say 3rd grade. My VERY favorite teacher was Miss Quick, and I cried so much the last day of school that I wouldn't leave the classroom.

4- What is your worst bad habit? One? It could be one of these: sleeping with a ton of pillows, cracking my bones, clicking my fingernails, cursing, being anal/OCD, or one of many others I'm sure.

5- Hiking up a mountain or laying on the beach? BEACH! I'm scared of heights and would rather lay on the beach surrounded by lots of drinks. Reminds me of our honeymoon!



If YOU would like to play along here are the directions:

1. Leave me a comment & your e-mail address saying, "Interview me." If you dare.

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. The first five 'askers' get the interview!

The PLAN

Sidenote: I had to call Dr. G&D's office today about obtaining my records, and (of course) it took a few calls just to execute a simple task. I asked them to send all of my charts to Dr. T's office, so he'll always have them and I can always access them. I honestly don't understand why patients can't get ALL of their chart. It IS my uterus. I should be able to have every single sheet of paper and film in that file. Makes me wonder what's really going on in that file if I can't have it ALL. Anyway . . .

I made it back home today, and I'm so glad. It's nice to be in a doctor's office where people are polite, caring, friendly, and doing their jobs as expected. Of course my blood pressure was high, but we aren't talking about that right now, are we? I'll try to make this brief, as it seems all of my recent posts have been close to the length of War & Peace.

Dr. Terrific and I sat down for my consult. Taking out my notes (dialogue) from the last discussion I had (and will ever have) with Dr. G&D, awesome Dr. T knew I was ready to get down & dirty. Dr. T first mentioned he heard that Dr. G&D has little sense of a personality. I told Dr. T he was wrong - that Dr. G&D has NO personality. He chuckled and said he was just being nice. :) He asked me to catch him up, and boy did I!

A brief analysis of points made by the FORMER RE, and Dr. T's responses. (not quoted, but very very close to his exact words)

Dr G&D, Point 1: No bicornuate uterus
Dr. T: told me he already knew that as he & I discussed last month. He just didn't see it during my lap surgery, which is when it would have been completely evident.

Dr G&D, Point 2: "MTHFR . . . is not associated with an increased in m/c."
Dr. T: Bullshit. We both know that isn't true. Especially for those who have the homozygous mutation. You will be taking Lovenox for your next pregnancy.

Dr G&D, Point 3: (speaking of Lovenox) I don't need to be on Lovenox for future pregnancies.
Dr. T: see response to point 2 (now Dr. T is getting agitated)

Dr G&D, Point 4: I can get pg, and if I make it past 8-10 weeks I might be okay.
Dr. T: I guess that's the fourth thing I completely disagree with now. WTH? (his words) A majority of fibroids cause problems in the middle of the 2nd Tri. Your losses have all been early, thus pointing to something else. I think it's a biochemical issue, which is why we need to do Lovenox.

Dr G&D, Point 5: Injectibles (Follistim) should be used to get pg quickly.
Dr. T: "And that's number 5."

Dr. T has been doing this for 23 years and has delivered over 8000 babies. Yet another reason why I value his opinion and trust him. (I have no proof of that with Dr. G&D.) I asked Dr. Terrific what he recommended. He told me that he couldn't make a choice for me, but he would give me the possibilities.

Possibility 1: Get pregnant (we know I can get pg) and start Lovenox the day I get a bfp. Continue with folic acid and baby aspirin. Close monitoring (including a perinatologist).

Possibility 2: Have a myomectomy which would include an abdominal incision, 1-2 days in the hospital, recovery time, possibility of breaking through the uterus, 5% need for blood transfusion in the OR for blood loss, scar tissue & making the uterine lining worse than it was. Then get pg, start Lovenox, continue folic acid and baby aspirin, close monitoring, etc.

Well, gosh. What do you think, my wonderful readers??? Well, I'm thinking Possibility 1 in case you're wondering. Dr. Terrific thought that would be a good idea, yet he also encouraged me to discuss it with DH. He then "scribed" (uh, scribbled!) our "PLAN" options.

PLAN A: SEX. Foltex. Lovenox.

PLAN B: Myomectomy. SEX. Foltex. Lovenox.

We're going with Plan A. In fact, we set PLAN A into action tonight. :) I'm pretty sure I've already Od according to my temps, but the PLAN is moving forward. It's so nice to have a PLAN. Please pray that this PLAN works to bring us not only a pregnancy, but a healthy pregnancy that ends with me delivering a healthy baby. That is all we want.

Lesson learned - ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. A woman's instinct is one of the strongest natural forces out there. If something doesn't look right, feel right, or sound right, validate your feelings and go with it.

Thank you, Dr. Terrific. I'll be calling about checking my cervix in the garage very, very soon. :)

THE SHACK

I just finished reading The Shack and recommend it to EVERYONE. What an AMAZING book full of hope and working through the challenges that life and grief bring. I'm not an avid reader at all, but it is a goal of mine. However, when I find a book that I like, I will read it cover to cover as quickly as I can, as I did this book.

This book is not written for Christians. It is written for everyone no matter of their religious preference or level of faith they do or do not have. Please give yourself an amazing gift in 2009 and read this book! I would lend you my copy, but I am not letting it go. When you read it - which is very soon I hope - be sure to read the foreword. It will make the book fit together like the beautiful puzzle that it is.

The past two nights of reading "The Shack" have reformed my mind, my relationships, and my outlook on life. I feel a sense of purpose, comfort, purpose, and (*gulp* dare I say it?) . . . hope . . . that I haven't felt in a long time.

Because I'm lazy, too.

I borrowed this from Monica because I'm down in the dumps, need to write something, but I don't want to get into it all right now and start whining, bitching, moaning, complaining, crying, pouting, or all of those.

50 Things You Possibly Didn't Know About Me

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? 3 of my coats, 1 of DH's coats, plus a curtain rod and hanger holder thing I need to return to BB&B

2. What's your favorite curse word? Probably whichever one fits whatever moment I need it.

3. Name 3 people who made you smile today? I have not seen any humans today. However, I did smile when DH called me earlier. That's probably it for today.

4. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Sleeping - my schedule is so out of whack right now.

5. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? catching up on my blog reading

6. What will you be doing 3 hours from now? hopefully getting ready to sleep

7. Have you ever been to a strip club? yes - the nekkid boy kind and nekkid girl kind

8. What is the last thing you said aloud? "Good boy, Mack!"

9. What is the best ice cream flavor? Blue Bell Strawberry

10. What was the last thing you had to drink? water

11. What are you wearing right now? school tshirt, blue pajama bottoms & pink slippers - hawt!

12. What was the last thing you ate? gummy bears

13. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? no

14. When was the last time you ran? Probably the last time someone was chasing me.

15. What's the last sporting event you watched? Yesterday's slaughter of the stupid, dumbhead Cowboys.

16. Who is the last person you emailed? Carla with "The Dailies"

17. Ever go camping? Yes, but I'm not very good at it now that I'm older and prefer the comforts of home.

18. Do you have a tan? A tan? Me? HA! I've been tan twice in my life, but I had to endure a couple of bad sunburns to get that way.

19. Do you drink your soda from a straw? Only fountain drinks.

20 What did your last IM say? It was a Facebook IM, but I don't remember it.

21. Are you someone's best friend? I hope I still am.

22. Monica wrote on hers: "Flying to Florida with Seth. Lord, help me!" but she didn't include a question. I could make up a question to go with that answer. :)

23. Where is your mom right now? Probably at work still.

24. Look to your left, what do you see? Steve sleeping

25. What color is your watch? Sterling sliver

26. What do you think of when you think of Australia? koalas, how it looks on a map

27. Would you consider plastic surgery? Yes

28. What is your birthstone? aquamarine

29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? usually in

30. How many kids do you want? Ideally? 2-3

31. Do you have a dog? Oh yes - 3 of 'em (plus a cat!)

32. Last person you talked to on the phone? DH

33. Have you met anyone famous? Depends on what one considers famous. I've met a couple of big country music stars, but most are local celebrities.

34. Any plans today? Absolutely none & I fulfilled every none of them!

35. How many states have you lived in? 1 - just Texas. Where else would I live?!

36. Ever go to college? Yes

37. Where are you right now? on the couch in the den

38. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? infertility, MIL

39. Last song listened to? quick snippets of Christian songs that I was naming on my iTunes

40. Are you allergic to anything? anything plant that grows, anything with fur, and bananas - However I still go outside, have pets, and eat bananas.

41. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? slippers

42. Are you jealous of anyone? Not anyone specific right now, but I am jealous of certain groups of people. I consider it envious.

43. Is anyone jealous of you? That's funny. I doubt it!

44. What time is it? 8:18pm

45. Do any of your friends have children? Which friends DON'T have kids? Very few do not.

46. Do you eat healthy? No. I won't even lie and pretend that I do.

47. What do you usually do during the day? Teach 9 and 10 year olds while trying not to lose my mind!

48. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? Hello or hi.

49. How did you get your scars? Head & knee - car accident at age 17, forehead - running into a doorknob at age 2 (I've always had skill), all over - chickenpox scars from popping the blisters because I got a bad sunburn before the chickens bit me, left breast - lipoma removed in 1999, lower abdomen & belly button - laparoscopic surgery in April, and probably more I can't remember

50. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? I'll be 41 on March 5th. Gawd I'm getting old.

My Facebook Friends are Talking . . .

. . . about this photo from prom my junior year of high school. What of it? Everyone has to bring something to Show & Tell!


I'm sure my high school boyfriend (with whom I am still friends) would absolutely love that his photo is available for all the world to see. :) I'm even more sure that I would never post a picture of this caliber had my DH been standing next to me. I have to be married to the guy, ya know!!!

Even worse, I would wear that dress again ANY day (even in public!!!) if I could only have back that tiny figure . . . you know, the tiny figure hidden under that dress. haha!

This is Me Lately

I feel like I can't get anything done. Everything from work to home to my car and everywhere in between feels as if it's in disarray. It was all I could do not to break down and cry today. I am so incredibly overwhelmed and everything is suffering.

Examples from School:

1. I completely & totally didn't include the right learning units in my team's plans for the past few weeks, and now the entire fourth grade will be taking an assessment on stuff they haven't even learned. WTH did I do? Luckily, a team member figured it out, but it was my responsibility.

2. I am overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork and meetings I've had lately. My desk is a disaster. I have a TON of papers to grade and can't seem to get them done.

3. I accidentally gave a student of mine a 50 in Science on her progress report. I completely & totally didn't put the grade for one of her assignments in the grade book. Her average is really a 95. I sure hope she didn't get grounded because her teacher is an idiot.

5. I have another parent who questioned her son's grade. Now I'm doubting myself.

6. In the first nine weeks of schools, our students will have taken 9 major assessments. How ridiculous. No wonder I'm behind in my plans & absolutely overwhelmed. Usually I handle all of this very well. In fact, I'm infamous for being overly anal and organized and on top of things. Not lately! Must.get.it.together!!!

Examples from Home:

1. My house is a mess. The maid came today, and it's still a mess. Granted almost all of it isn't MY mess, but it's a mess. Disorganization and piles of stuff everywhere literally makes me anxious.

2. I finally went to the grocery store tonight for the first time in forever. We were out of toilet paper. Who runs out of toilet paper???

3. Laundry - I can't keep up with it, but I never have been able to keep up with laundry. Guess I don't plan on it at this point in the game.

4. I actually cooked dinner AND prepared lunches for both of us tomorrow. At least we won't starve to death in the next 14 or so hours. Thank goodness.

Personal Examples:

1. I haven't scrapbooked since August. I need to and want to work on my scrapbooks. Haven't done it.

2. I'm so freaking exhausted by the time I get home from work that I can't accomplish anything.

3. My email overfloweth as does my Google Reader.

4. I haven't returned phone calls in about a week.

5. My hair looks like crap. Luckily I have a hair appointment tomorrow. Hope I don't fall asleep, drink too much of her wine, or cry while I'm there. Or all three.

6. Doctors - I haven't rescheduled a doctor's appointment that was cancelled (by the dr.) last week. I haven't heard from my RE, but I haven't had time to even call and be concerned about it. I need to see someone about my sinus junk. I've felt bad for three weeks now.

SO . . . I have a few options that I'm considering. (1) Get more sleep. I just don't know when that will happen. (2) Don't make any more social plans through the rest of the month. I already have plenty. (3) Up my meds. Always a fun option. (4) Drink more. However, that would probably interfere with idea numbers 1 & 2. (5) Get my ass in gear. Quit procrastinating, prioritize, get it done, and take care of myself in the process.

Or, I can go with (6) Do all of the above. Time to get my head out of my ass. At least it's not up that guy's ass! That would be gross.

Show & Tell: My Yearbook Pictures

For today's Show & Tell, I provide some entertainment for you - completely at my expense! A friend of mine introduced me to a great website called Yearbook Yourself. I've needed some cheap entertainment lately, so it's great!

Since I had a car accident just before my senior year of high school, I didn't have senior pictures taken. The one that appeared in the yearbook was odd because I had a strip of hair missing from where the stitches in my head had been recently removed.

So, in order to redeem my senior picture (okay, really it was to ridiculously entertain myself) here I am from 1952 to 1992:
















And, yes, I know the second to the last one looks like it could be a real one of me from college. :)

Layers of Me

Here are the "Layers of Me" from Joyce. Let's see if I can do this.

LAYER ONE:
Name: Kristin
Birth date: March 5
Birthplace: Dallas, Texas
Current Location: Dallas, Texas (yeah, I get around)
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Blonde w/ gray creeping in here & there.
Height: 5′6, but people say I'm taller.
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Pisces

LAYER TWO:
Your heritage: I'm a mutt. However, from what I've heard -- Cherokee Indian, Scandanavian, maybe some English/Scottish something in there.
The shoes you wore today: My cheapy cute slip-on, tennis type shoes with dots on them.
Your weakness: Chips chips chips. Puppies & babies.
Your fears: Heights, not having children.
Your perfect pizza: pepperoni and mushroom (real mushroom, not the squeaky kind that come in can)
Goal you’d like to achieve: get pregnant/stay that way/have a baby or three, finish our wedding scrapbook

LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on AIM: I don't use AIM anymore.
Your first waking thoughts: Sleep. More sleep.
Your best physical feature: eyes?
What you miss the most: sleep

LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: Coke.
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald's
Single or group dates: I like group dates because Todd’s not a big talker and I have to carry the conversation most the time. Surprisingly, I run out of things to say! (Sounds like Joyce, Jay, Todd and I need to hang out! The guys could stare into space and we could chat!)
Adidas or Nike: Adidas
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: I don't care as long as it comes with Sweet & Low and fresh lemon.
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee: Neither. I hate coffee.

LAYER FIVE:
Smoke: nope
Cuss: More than I should.
Sing: If I want to, yes.
Take a shower everyday: I love "scary days" if I'm not leaving the house.
Do you think you’ve been in love: Yep.
Want to go to college: Not really.
Liked high school: It was okay.
Want to get married: I hope so since I am.
Believe in yourself: Sometimes.
Get motion sickness: No.
Think you’re attractive: Sometimes.
Think you’re a health freak: FAR from it!
Get along with your parent(s): Yes.
Like thunderstorms: As long as our house doesn't get struck by lightning again.
Play an instrument: I used to play the sax. I wouldn't want to hear me even try to play it now.

LAYER SIX: In the past month…
Drank Alcohol: yes
Smoked: no
Done a drug: just my prescriptions
Made out: We don't really do that.
Gone on a date: Dinner.
Gone to the mall: No. I hate malls.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: That makes me ill to think of doing it.
Eaten sushi: No.
Been on stage: Yes, the stage at school while hunting for supplies.
Been dumped: Not this month, no.
Gone skating: No.
Made homemade cookies: No, the beater blade is stuck on my KA mixer. ARGHHH.
Gone skinny dipping: No.
Dyed your hair: No, but I probably need a highlight/gray away.
Stolen anything: No.

LAYER SEVEN: Ever…
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes.
If so, was it mixed company: Of course.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes.
Been caught “doing something”: Once by a friend.
Been called a tease: I don’t think so.
Gotten beaten up: No.
Shoplifted: Yes, a mailbox sticker with a K on it from Skaggs when I was little.
Changed who you were to fit in: I'm sure I tried & failed miserably. With me, what you see is what you get.

LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married: I wanted to be married by 25.
Numbers and Names of Children: None.
Describe your Dream Wedding: Had it, but if we did it again it would be on the beach.
How do you want to die: Painlessly.
Where you want to go to college: Nowhere. I'm done.
What do you want to be when you grow up: I wanted to be a nurse but changed my mind. I really wanted to be a SAHM, but oh well to that one, too.
What country would you most like to visit: Australia & Italy.

LAYER NINE:
Number of people I could trust with my life: a few
Number of CDs that I own: Over 100 but I never listen to the actual CDs since they're loaded on my iPod.
Number of piercing: 5-all in the ears.
Number of tattoos: 2.
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: More than a few. 2nd grade when I won some contest at school, 6th grade when I won the school spelling bee, a few times in college, engagement & wedding
Number of scars on my body: Several after car wrecks and surgeries.
Number of things in my past that I regret: None really. I wish I wouldn't have quit playing the saxophone.

YOUR TURN! If you decide to play…let me know cause I wanna read your 9 layers!

Pregnancy Dreams

I've had pg-related dreams the past two nights. In the first dream, a former student of mine (who let's say I didn't "care for") came to me on the side of the road and asked me to get a pregnant woman some ice. I remember seeing an old model VW bug, so maybe she was in there. I ran into a hole-in-the-wall cafe/greasy spoon and asked for a cup with ice, even though I already knew they didn't give anything away including ice. Don't know if she ever got her request fulfilled.

Last night I had a dream that I got a bfp. However, the hpt was funky looking - oval in shape with clear, blue plastic casing around the whole thing. It had a line on it, and I knew I was pg, but I couldn't tell anyone. I remember that I was out in public - a trendy bar w/ a public restroom, parking lot, maybe a mall type place, & near a stadium. I carried the blue + hpt around in my pocket just dying to tell all. I did keep pulling it out of my pocket and checking it.

Weird. Joke's on me, huh?

This is Getting Old

BFN. And I really, really, really thought this might be "the one". Even though it's my summer vacation, I've been a dutiful little TTC soldier and getting up at 7am every morning to temp. I've been charting like a madwoman, noting all symptoms, etc.

As of this morning, spotting has begun and my temp took a nose dive. It's still above the coverline but the red-headed evil slut is on her way. I know she is.

I've seriously had major symptoms, so much so that DH was beginning to think I was pg too. I've been so bloated that I can only wear a couple of pairs of my pants. My boobs have gotten bigger/fuller - if that's even possible. Smells have gotten to me. Nausea. Dizziness. Thirstiness. Excess saliva. Headaches. Heartburn. As gross as it is, I've even thrown up in my mouth a few times. With all of that not only did I think, "Hhhmmm . . . maybe I really am pregnant." I also decided that the nausea and mini-vomits might have meant some good m/s and a viable pg was ahead of us.

I just remember the RE's statement as it resounds through my head, "Six months to you is not like six months to a 25 year old." He told me this three months ago. As much as I know my body is quickly running out of time to produce a baby, that reminder is beginning to ring more true every day. Not only am I a little frustrated, I'm started to get scared. Not a good mix. It's the kind of mix that brings out only two responses in me - fight like hell or retreat completely. There are no gray areas for me when I'm backed into a corner like this. We've been on the TTC journey for 17 months now and I'm getting really tired.

How much more are we supposed to take? Where do we go from here? Do we try one more time, hoping that there is hope? Do I head back to the RE and expect to walk into his office to see him expectantly wielding a dildo-cam in one hand and a turkey baster in the other? Is that even a guarantee? And if we see the RE, how the hell are we supposed to pay for it? We honestly do not have the money to pay for what is ahead of us. How do we make these decisions now?

I'm getting ready to put down my war gear and give up the fight. God, this is getting really old.

Tagged Again! A New Meme

I've been tagged by the ever-gagging Maria. :) I figured that I better play since the music on my other blog scared her & her embryo this morning!

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tag people and posts their names, then go to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.


1. What was I doing ten years ago? Thirty years old (a mere lass!), probably 30 pounds lighter (ack!), single, living in my little 2BR condo, and in a funky place in my life. I was a Corporate Training Consultant & traveling around 20+ days per month. I had no boyfriend & because of my travel schedule, didn't see my family or friends very often. June of 1998 had me working in a double-wide trailer in Geismar, Louisiana running assessment centers for BASF's plant re-startup. It was such a glorious life!

2. Five things on my to do list for today: sleep in, get dressed, wait for repairman, catch up on some TV, maybe some laundry (I love summer break!)

3. Snacks I enjoy right now: always chips, summer fruits like berries, grapes, & peaches, ice cream

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire: pay for my hospital stay after I had a heart attack from actually being a billionaire!, pay off any debt we have, remodel the kitchen & bathrooms, build an addition atop the garage, help out our families, save, reinvest & donate to charity

5. Places I have lived: only in Texas (of course!!) - Plano, Dallas, Richardson, Commerce & Carrollton

6. People I want to know more about: Vivian, Darreth, Shannon, Jen, Kate, Jess & anyone else that wants to play!