Mending?

As I was rocking my precious baby girl tonight, I thought to myself how I could sit there all night long with her and not move.  Then I decided I could truly stay there forever . . . just holding her, listening to her coo in her sleep, smelling her sweet clean skin, feeling her squishy thighs, and letting her fuzzy hairs tickle my cheek.

Then - since I'm a rambler inside my head before I even write or speak it - I thought that if needed I would stay there forever even I had to pee or poop on myself.  (haha)  But then I thankfully started another train of thought:

I could not love this precious angel anymore had I grown her in my own body.  She is mine.  There is absolutely no doubt about that.  My heart is so full that I sometimes feel like I really could explode.  Every time she smiles; every time she coos; every time she giggles . . . my heart begins to mend a little.  Each of those beautiful, precious moments take a bit of the hard parts in my heart and crack them apart so they can escape the clutch they've had on me for so, so very long.  The parts can now remove themselves from my heart, my mind, and my body.  A small hole will always remain in those places.  I know that because I am forever an infertile, habitual aborter.  My history won't ever change.  I won't ever forget how I got here and what I had to endure to be in this very place.  Surely that is why I can appreciate the here and now.

My future has changed though.  Now I am forever a Mommy.  And I am so incredibly in love.

Bequeathing

From the looks of what I cleaned out of the bathroom cabinet today, one would surmise that (1) I'm a hoarder of all things feminine product-related, (2) I was preparing for the AF Armageddon, or (3) both.  The correct answer is probably #3!  I will admit to throwing away two packs of applicators and three chucks.  I did keep one new box of pantiliners because, hey, I DO have a cervix ya know.

It is time for me to bequeath the multiple boxes of pads, pantiliners, tampons, OPKs, and HPTs.  I am going to offer my maid the sanitary product stuff.  She just had yet another baby and can probably use it or give it to other needy women.  The OPKs and HPTs are going to my friend, Jenn.  Damn.  I really should auction all of it off and make some money.  Ha!!!

As for my recovery, it's slow.  I'm feeling okay but still very sore and weak.  Doesn't take much to slow me down.  It's a bit frustrating but I'll survive.  Still kinda weird to think about it . . . I don't have a uterus.  No ovaries.  No tubes.  I had my entire reproductive system ripped out.  Don't worry, though.  I'm still checking tp like something is actually going to be there!

Rambling with Narcotics

Narcotics for me = no sleep.  I finally got up at 6am (after my whole 3 hours of sleep).  It's DH's birthday today, so I let him sleep while I got some stuff done, then my mom came over, we ate lunch, we milled around the house, and now I'm ready to croak.

I've had the chills but no fever.  Mom said it's anesthesia related.  Weird.  My throat is still sore and dry, and I'd feel better if I hacked up a bronchial tube or something.  My stomach is fairly bloated and swollen.  I have a vertical strip about 4" long on the right of my navel that is so sore!  I'm currently on ice packs (my back & stomach) and took another pain pill to help me not sleep.  These narcotics are giving me the munchies too.  Yesterday I got home, ate lunch, slept for two hours, ate ice cream, slept for an hour, ate jello, rested for a while, ate a piece of chicken, then a chicken salad sandwich, and some chips.  Today I'm doing better (less drugs) but it's killing me to not eat the cookies I had delivered for DH's birthday!  :)

I'm rambling . . . again.  I'm bored and not feeling great, but I'm feeling a whole lot better than I did after my other surgeries.  Guess I need to ask the birthday boy what he's making me for dinner.  Honey!!!

Change

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~ Maya Angelou

How true is that statement?  When I think back through the past three years, six years, ten years, twenty years . . . it is truly amazing all of the changes I've been through and seen.  Many say that change is not good, but sometimes it is.  Change is inevitable - there is nothing we can do about that.  It's simply called LIFE.  How we approach it is what we can control.  Our choice of attitude and perspective on any given situation can often determine how we weather any storm or appreciate any sunny day.

As I move into this week with a bit of apprehension and fear about my surgery, I am choosing to remain positive and hopeful that this WILL BE the change that helps us to reaching our dream of having a family.  I am choosing not to worry about it all, and that will be difficult.  All I can do it hope and pray that when our dream is fulfilled that I can look back through the really tough and devastating times, and say, "Aaahhh . . . okay.  I get it now."

Hope.  That crazy, crazy thing called hope.

Just Hanging Out & Rambling

No TTC news . . . haven't even called Dr. Terrific. We have to decide where to go from here, I guess. Instead of talking about all of that, I shall ramble. That's just what I do.

I turned 42 (yes, forty-two-freaking-years-old) on Friday. I never dreamed I'd be 42 and childless. Never.

I added some page tabs at the top of the blog under the header. Whaddya think? It's nothing fancy, just a new feature from blogger I used because I'm bored.

The Ramblers are still working on improving our marriage. Marriage is hard. Marriage that starts off with a pregnancy and loss in the first month, followed by three years of IF, is harder. We'll get there because we love each other, but it's hard.

I lost my voice for four days last week. It was crazy and drove me nuts. I'm sure DH and my students loved it. The voice finally came back, and I continue to practice using it.

We are both stressed out with work and ready for Spring Break. I'm really ready for summer, but I'll take Spring Break for now.

I don't give a crap about the Oscars. We've only seen a couple of the movie contenders so far. Up in the Air and The Hurt Locker were both good, but that's all we've seen. I want to see Valentine's Day. Looks like a good chick flick. My sister said she'd go see it again with me.

Our third wedding anniversary is Wednesday, March 10. Mr. Rambler has class that night, so I'm going to dinner with my BFF and matron of honor. It's a long story, but we haven't seen one another since March 10, 2007. Yes, since the day Mr. Rambler and I were married. I'm looking forward to seeing her. DH and I will celebrate by making steaks at home and just being together the following weekend.

There are lots of pg people out there. I'm not one of them. You know that babies are always in the back of the mind of an infertile - whether she admits it or not.

I'm ready for spring. Drinks on the patio, cooking out on the grill, the tulip and daffodil bulbs DH got me for Xmas and planted begin to sprout and bloom, and the grass turns green. Of course, that also equals allergies, but so be it.

Well, it's noon and Mr. Rambler, Steve the dog, Mindy the cat, and I are still hanging out in bed. I'm going to avoid going to the grocery store at all costs today. Hope you all are well.

Love, Rambler

So Much to Ramble . . .

So little energy to ramble it. Let's see . . . we'll start with one of my favorite phrases. I learned it from a client many years ago, and I have neither forgotten it nor stopped living it.

Pronounced "bo-hee-kah":

- Update: Had a nice, little conversation with the billing bimbo at Dr. G&D's office. I basically said, "So, since you're new in this position, I will assume your predecessor did not do her job effectively and is gone for a reason." I then had to call my benefits department to contact my now former insurance company to have them contact G&D's office. Incompetent fools.

- Got a bill from Dr. Terrific's office today for the failed IUI. Didn't think I'd get away with not getting billed for it since it didn't work. Yes, hope was still alive for that one!

- I had my first acupuncture appointment today. I'm interested to see what kind of long-term effects I will gain from it. I didn't feel the needles at.all. There was a bit of a radiating sensation from the needle site, but that was it. We are working on infertility, hand numbness, and back pain. Apparently, my "chi needs to be balanced and raised" and my "uterus needs to be warmed". Okay. I'm game for anything at this point. I even told the acupuncturist to hang me from the ceiling by my feet if he thought it would work. He didn't laugh. I thought it was kinda funny.

- Speaking of funny, I had an interesting moment at the acu office today. After the voodoo was done on my back, the acu had me move to another room for my front voodooing. He had me put on my shirt to move rooms vs. leave my pretty white paper shirt on to walk to the next room over. Then he told me to take my top off and roll up the legs of my pants. When I told him that I left my paper shirt in the other room, he said not to worry about it. Okay. So I stripped down and laid on the table. When Mr. Voodoo came into the room, he seemed a little rattled. It was at that point he grabbed a lab jacket and said, "Let's put this . . . uh . . . there." Oops. I think I was supposed to leave my bra on. He got a full Mardi-Gras style flashin' from me. Of course, I didn't think it was anything until I got in the car to go home. Mr. Voodoo probably thinks I'm a freak. Maybe I am. Infertility will do that to any sane woman, ya know.

- And for the record, I'm tired of former pregnancy loss and infertile women bitching, moaning, whining, and complaining. Many of these women are pg again for the 2nd time since I first got to know them after we both m/c. The complaining about being pg or being a mom must stop in person, on FB, in blogs, and anywhere else where I have access. STFU to all of you. If you want to trade places, I'll do it. Anything to ease your pain and discomfort.

That's all the rambling I can muster for now. I'm tired -- goodnight!

Regaining & Returning

It's been one year, four months, a couple of weeks, and several days since I was last pregnant.

In the past sixteen plus months, I have regained myself to some effect. I'm slowly (very slowly) returning to ME. I used to be such a passionate, loving, carefree, funny, somewhat confident, gregarious, ready person. That was all taken with my babies.

However, I am now (after much time ) finally able to smile, laugh, and even experience joy at times. There are times that I sincerely laugh, and I even almost conscientiously forget the pain while laughing and trying to enjoy what life has to offer. It's almost like the laughter helps release some of the pain from my soul. After losing our first three babies in the first year of our marriage, I NEVER thought that would be possible. Never. Ever.

There are also times when I can talk to people (mainly women), and I share our struggles while feeling like maybe this was my purpose. I know deep in my soul that God has purposed me for something. While I NEVER in my life imagined my purpose would entail the pain I have endured through RPL and IF, I see now that God wants me to share with others. Our struggles, our pain, our diagnoses, our decisions, and our heartache might have actually been God's plan for us to share mercy with others. It needs to be shared with others because there are so many out there who feel as if they are suffering alone. They feel as if nobody has ever been through what they are enduring right now. And, worst of all, they feel alone. I know how they feel. Many of you reading know how they feel. They need to know that they aren't the only ones. They are not alone. There are MANY MANY MANY MANY of us out here. They are not allowed to be alone. Well, at least not for long. I'm here with them all. We all are.

And then again, I may be crazy. Today is CD1. AF is kicking my ass. The hell-cramps are killing me. Seriously kicking my ass. AF's cruel, evil, crampy ways forced me to drink large amounts of wine tonight while hanging with my neighborhood friends. Yes, I blame it on her. The wine with friends doesn't take away the hell-cramp pain. The worst part of all - it doesn't take away the pain of RPL. It doesn't take away the pain that IF has brought me since then. It does, however, bring me to meet yet another woman who has miscarried before. And another woman that has found a successful pg. And even another one who (through IVF) had her baby today. Ladies that can bring me a little bit of hope. And then there is, yet another one, who verbalized the fact that once things settle down, "it will happpen" making me feel a bit deflated and alone - again. Thank goodness my friends Chardonnay and Merlot are still around. Plus, their friends Lay's and Planter's. Good, familiar, and salty forever friends. Of course, there is the stubborn rebounding person that is me. I get through it again.

I've survived (key word: survived) three miscarriages - that's three dead babies. And I'd like to keep it at that. I have become more of me in the past months. I get out of bed. I get dressed. I even shower. I step out the front door. I go out in public. I smile. I talk. I laugh. I spend time with family & friends. I talk about our past. I talk about the hopes for our future. I even walk through the freaking baby department at Target. For some reason, I actually hold on to hope. I endure.

I guess the scariest part of this is that the future is unsure. I'm a woman who thrives on plans and guarantees. I'm great at following through with promises. Promise me something; I'll see it through with you. I'm fiercely loyal in that way - although it's bit me in the ass more than several times before. Plus, my OCD tendencies kick into high gear whenever I'm uncertain, out of control, and scared.

And then I remember.

Things don't go well when I'm pregnant. I get pregnant - woohooo! I start spotting at 6w3d - uhoh. I kill babies in the 8th week - oh God.

So what if I go through the Femara, have the IUI, get pregnant, spot at 6w3d, and lose the baby? Do I go back to square one? Do I go back to where I was? Do I have to spend another year in the black hole - crying, rocking myself, losing hair, bleeding to death, dealing with hormones, losing who I am, explaining it all, crying some more, and falling back to where I have been before? Do I drag my wonderful husband through it all again?

I just worry that the Femara & IUI work fabulously, only to disappoint and reject us again. Where will I go from there?

Is it worth it? Yes.

Having a baby? Of course it is worth it. Most definitely.

Losing another baby? I don't know.

God forbid things work well and we lose it later in the pregnancy. I don't know if I can survive it again. Was I really made to lose baby after baby after baby? I mean . . . hell . . . I've already lost more babies than some women actually deliver. Is that my fate? I've done it before. Have I really done so many terrible, crappy things in my life to deserve it AGAIN? And have I done so many terrible things that my HUSBAND has to endure it all again & again? That's not fair to him.

So that is where my conflict lies right now. Conflict or not, I have to make decisions. Decisions that are best for me. My husband. Our present family. And our future family.

I don't want to go through the pain again. God, please no. But I guess we have to take the risk - again - to see if we actually are blessed to reap the rewards.

I look behind and look ahead. I look back and think, "There is NO WAY that we want to go through that again." Then I stop and think, "There's not way that we can NOT try again. We need and deserve to have children of our own - to have a family."

And then I freak out again.

CD1. Femara in two days. OPKs in 8 days. IUI soon after.. HPT when it comes. And a pregnancy - up to God. Lovenox, all the sonos, more meds, the appointments, the perinatologist, the injections. I'm scared, excited, hesitant, worried, ready, prepared, panicked, breathless, petrified, and just doing it. Winners don't gain by being chicken. I pray that we are not the chickens that get slaughtered.

I'm slowly regaining myself and returning to me. Oh God, what's next?

Clueless

I'm starting to think that I'm clueless. In fact, I'm sure that I'm clueless. Maybe not completely clueless; however, I'm a bit weirded out about all of this upcoming AI stuff.


First of all, I have to figure out what day AF truly begins. With my jacked-up body of late, I'll sometimes spot/lightly bleed at least a few days before she truly arrives. What if I pick the wrong day? What if I miscount? I can count to 5, but when I'm on summer break, it gets a bit shaky after that. My timing better be right, so I know when to go in for my follie check. What if I screw up the days, and screw up the damn whole thing? That would be my luck ya know.

Secondly, I have to take meds on specific days. You've seen my drug lab before, so I'm hoping that I can simply add the meds to my established routine. If I have to take a specific medication at a specific time, I'm screwed. I'm notorious for forgetting to take my meds. Hopefully I'll have more of a reason to remember now.

Believe it or not, I have no idea how to use OPKs. Not a clue! I'm sure it's not rocket science - and I LOVE to pee on sticks - so it shouldn't be a problem. I hate reading directions though. Hopefully it's just pee, look for smiley, try not to pretend that I'm using an hpt every day, repeat. Right? Honestly, I had to email my friend, Sarah, to see what I needed to do. What a relief for Sarah that she & her DH are waiting for their Precious Payton, so no sticks for her anymore! I'm sure that poasing is a hard habit to shake. ;)

Then again, will I freak out when I get the smiley? I'll have to call in to work that day - luckily it should be the week before the students start school. Help DH with his part of the deal, send him off to work, race to the lab while remembering to keep the goods warm, wait wait wait, go to IUI, elevate, elevate, elevate, and then wait wait wait some more.

Then there's the P4. If it's low from my CD21 test, I'll have to be on progesterone. Please Lord, just give me a patch instead of another pill. Did you know that I couldn't swallow pills until I was a teenager. I know both of my sisters are reading this and laughing. It's true though. Amazing how I can take a dozen a day without issue. See what age can do for you?

I have other worries in addition to these, but I'll start here first. At least I have a little less than couple of weeks to freak out about this stuff. Then I can start on the others. Enough rambling for today. Much more to come - believe me, there's more.

Did you know . . .

. . . that on my mobile phone the K key also functions as a : (colon) and the U key also functions as a ) (closed parenthesis)? K = : and U = )

Why is this interesting, you ask?

Because KU = :)


Get it now?

ETA - I am not KU.

My Morning, My Day, My Experiment

I LOVE sleeping in, all cuddled up in bed. It's my week off, so I've been looking forward to this for weeks now. I thought if I stayed up late last night that I'd sleep in this morning. Uh, no. That didn't happen. So now, with less than 5 hours of sleep, I have my day ahead of me.

So far, I have:

• Practice peed (BFN of course, so no more for me.)
• Grabbed my nipples (Remember my last nipple post? Same deal.) OUCH!
• Hugged Todd goodbye (Poor guy has to work!)
• Read some blogs
• Got poor, crazy Mackey to quit howling like he's being murdered.
• Snuggled with my baby dog, Steve. Not for long though - he's gassy again today. (WTH has he been eating??)
• Said good morning to my cat, Mindy, as she walked in & out of the bedroom.
• Thought about what shopping I'd like to do today.
• Stayed in bed
• Thought about Thanksgiving cooking that needs to be done.
• Pet my girlfriend dog, Pippin, since she's finally awake.
• Grumbled about the fact that I need to make an appt. for my annual. Have enough people not been in my hooha lately? ggrrr
• Remembered that I also need to make a mammogram appointment. Not right now. Not with these nipples.
• Worried about finances, remembered I need to pay my bills
• Made a to do list in my head
• Thought of the foods I'd like to eat for breakfast, but I'm too lazy to get out of bed to eat them.
• Checked the clock to see if it was around 11:00. I want a tuna fish sandwich, but I can't rationalize eating tuna during breakfasting hours.
• Checked the exact time for my post-op appointment with Dr. G&D (the RE) this afternoon. I don't know what to ask or say or do. Guess he'll have to be in charge of this meeting. Hope he doesn't want to do any checking out of anything because I ain't shavin' nothin'.

Speaking of shaving, did I tell you I'm conducting an experiment? Yes, I am. (I know this is rambling, thus the blog title.) To let you know upfront, I LOVE my Epilady. What is an Epilady you ask? It is a wonderful electronic device donning spinning coils that rips the hair out of your legs from the root. Some would consider it a torture device, but it's really not that bad.

Anyway, to my experiment . . . I recently Epiladied my right leg and shaved my left. Honestly, I ran out of time trying to Epilady, so I decided it would be a good time for an experiment. The right left is still fairly smooth, but the left leg is awfully hairy now. Time to break the Epilady out for BOTH legs. But, not today. (Time to refer back to the disclosure regarding my post-op appoinment!)

I guess it's time to figure out what I else I don't want to do today . . . . . . OOoooo! The Price is Right is on! :)

Show & Tell: Ramblings About #3

For today's Show & Tell, I would show a photo of my empty uterus. However, my most recent pics would have to be scanned, and I don't want anyone else up/in there taking pictures & doing stuff. So, you get emptiness. Close your eyes & see the darkness. See? That's right - there's nothing to see!

Tomorrow is EDD#3, and I don't even know what to say anymore. Little did I think that a year after we married that we would have experienced three losses. Little could I imagine that twenty months after we married that we wouldn't even be pregnant. Little did I know how badly it would hurt sometimes.

I seriously felt that we would struggle with getting pregnant. I truly never thought that we would have a miscarriage, much less three. I mentally prepared myself that we would need assistance conceiving and explained that to DH before we were even engaged. I know there are some, but there are few women over 40 that I know having (or trying to have) babies. Being AMA just puts us on the edge of the cliff of fertility.

I feel like everyone has found their success. Why not us? I rarely cry about it anymore because it does no good. I don't feel better after crying. I just feel lost sometimes, like I'm in a world of mommies and daddies and babies, and that we don't really belong here. It's as if we were dropped on the wrong planet; that we should be in the world of only the childless people. But that's definitely not the case. Children, families, pregnant women, and doting grandparents are all around us (but they are basically like a magnet to us). They just aren't us. We aren't one of them.

Dammit.

Oh, and Target has car seats on sale. And I want to buy one. Seriously????? Why would I ever need it?? I showed DH & he says "NO" to buying it. He probably thinks I'm certifiably insane now. (If there was ever any doubt.)

Thank you, Dr. Self

I'm glad I took my own advice last night and changed my choice of meds. I finally got some sleep. Today, I can just be sore and not sleepy, too. Thanks for listening to my rants for the past couple of days (that is if you're still really here!). :)

Sleep is a beautiful thing . . .

Welcome to RPL

Hello. I'm Kristin, and I'll be your tour guide today. On our very unexciting tour of RPL today, we'll see the life of Kristin. You'll have the opportunity to share in the misery of the past 20 months of her life, including but not limited to:

• first one and a half years of marriage
• 3 miscarriages
• 3 surgeries
• tens of thousands of dollars paid in medical bills
• more meds taken than an old lady
• hair loss
• hormonal fits
• acne-ravaged skin (face, back, chest)
• 20 or more additional pounds
• an almost broken marriage (now repaired)
• grief
• depression
• anxiety
• loneliness
• therapy
• dozens of vials of blood drawn
• countless numbers of unsolicited advice & hurtful statements
• 5 different docs in her hooha + nurses, etc.
• family & friends who have gotten pregnant, had babies & are doing it again
• countless wasted hpts
• over 400 days of temping and charting
• unmeasurable buckets of tears
• numerous pity parties
• cramps
• lots of bleeding
• endless frustration
• empty arms and broken heart

I hope you hated this tour as much as I have. I know many of you have your own tours to offer, and for that I am sorry. I haven't been on your exact tour, just as you have not been on mine, but I know that it has been miserable for you. Know that you will get through it.

We hope to have our next tour available very soon. We are trying everything within our power to schedule a BABY TOUR in the near future. Please check back for upcoming tour dates.

Lord, hear our prayers.

Earning the Title

Welcome to Fertile Ramblings ------- and I do mean RAMBLINGS. Gotta get all of this out of my head, off my chest, and somewhere out of my dream patterns. I don't even care if you read this or not. (If you don't read the bullet points, please drop to the bottom of this post & read the Perspective.)

• Done with Progestin - what a headached-ridden, nauseaus, bitchy week.


• Stressed out today - school, kids, grocery store, parking lots, getting sub plans ready, impromptu (read: stupid) meetings, & everything in between.


• Tired of zits - all over. Everywhere - on my neck, chin, jawline, eyebrows, collarbone, cheeks, eyelid. Hello? Stop it!


• Got another medical bill - another one - ugh.


• Preregistered for my surgery today - was asked what I have met of my deductible. All $3500, thanks. That happened in April!


• House looks like crap - not my fault. DH has to get his crap (and I mean his crap) together. I can't be his momma, his maid, his chef, and his bitch. I'm not that good and don't want to be. ;)


• Glad the election is almost over Not so thrilled with having to listen to election coverage on EVERY channel available at higher-than-hearing-aid-wearers' volume. Please Honey . . .


• DH held one of our friends' babies tonight. I wasn't there to witness it, but our friend sent me a picture -- hahaha. How comfortable does he (NOT) look?! Don't drop her!! It would upset her twin sister! What's funny is that she loves it when he holds her. She probably remembers when she was in the NICU with her 3-pound self being held my large (& nervous) husband. Such fond memories.

• I'm so tired of paying everyone all of my money. I work my butt off every day, and I just give it away. I rarely have any money leftover for things such as clothing, travel, etc.


• Prices have definitely gone up. Groceries cost me much more tonight than usual.


• Thank goodness tomorrow is maid day. (see complaint about filthy home above)


• "Was the TV really that loud?" asks DH. YES. And now that you turned it down, it's still freaking loud!


• I cut off my 1st Common Thread Bracelet on Sunday. It was so sad & worn out looking. I'd been wearing it since May and hadn't taken it off. I'm saving it for my scrapbook. Hope I didn't jinx myself or something.


• Everyone is having babies but me.


• I wonder if I'll actually get pregnant AND have a baby. It feels farther & farther away each month. I'm beginning to feel the hole in my heart that only a baby could fill getting wider and deeper.


• Thank God for wine.


• I love my dogs and cat. They give so much love and receive so much of my love.


• I'm completely & totally looking forward to the pain meds on Friday. I just have to remember to tell my drug lord (aka anesthesiologist) to use something besides morphine. Last time morphine was like candy for me. LOTS of candy!
  
  
• I've gotten so fat that only two pairs of my winter pants fit right. And they are very snug. The other pair are sweats. Geez.
  
  
• We have hawks living in the trees near our house. I sit in the bathroom extra long in the mornings to hear them talk with one another.
  
  
• I almost bought a box of hpts at the store. How stupid.

Perspective: (READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ ANYTHING ELSE.) With all of my whining, worrying, complaining, stressing, and more - it could be so much worse. DH's former principal and her husband lost their 3 month old daughter this weekend. They believe it was SIDS. Please pray for them and their two surviving children. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I always try to remember that when things are bad, they could be worse. There is the proof.

What if?

Okay, what if we get pregnant this month? Holy crap! My hysteroscopy is on the 6th. I'm having the surgery because there is a "uterine abnormality". If I get pg, it sounds like whatever is in there (suspected to be a fibroid or polyp) might be in the way for the normal development of a fetus.

I guess we'll see. Think I'll go eat an orange.

This is Me Lately

I feel like I can't get anything done. Everything from work to home to my car and everywhere in between feels as if it's in disarray. It was all I could do not to break down and cry today. I am so incredibly overwhelmed and everything is suffering.

Examples from School:

1. I completely & totally didn't include the right learning units in my team's plans for the past few weeks, and now the entire fourth grade will be taking an assessment on stuff they haven't even learned. WTH did I do? Luckily, a team member figured it out, but it was my responsibility.

2. I am overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork and meetings I've had lately. My desk is a disaster. I have a TON of papers to grade and can't seem to get them done.

3. I accidentally gave a student of mine a 50 in Science on her progress report. I completely & totally didn't put the grade for one of her assignments in the grade book. Her average is really a 95. I sure hope she didn't get grounded because her teacher is an idiot.

5. I have another parent who questioned her son's grade. Now I'm doubting myself.

6. In the first nine weeks of schools, our students will have taken 9 major assessments. How ridiculous. No wonder I'm behind in my plans & absolutely overwhelmed. Usually I handle all of this very well. In fact, I'm infamous for being overly anal and organized and on top of things. Not lately! Must.get.it.together!!!

Examples from Home:

1. My house is a mess. The maid came today, and it's still a mess. Granted almost all of it isn't MY mess, but it's a mess. Disorganization and piles of stuff everywhere literally makes me anxious.

2. I finally went to the grocery store tonight for the first time in forever. We were out of toilet paper. Who runs out of toilet paper???

3. Laundry - I can't keep up with it, but I never have been able to keep up with laundry. Guess I don't plan on it at this point in the game.

4. I actually cooked dinner AND prepared lunches for both of us tomorrow. At least we won't starve to death in the next 14 or so hours. Thank goodness.

Personal Examples:

1. I haven't scrapbooked since August. I need to and want to work on my scrapbooks. Haven't done it.

2. I'm so freaking exhausted by the time I get home from work that I can't accomplish anything.

3. My email overfloweth as does my Google Reader.

4. I haven't returned phone calls in about a week.

5. My hair looks like crap. Luckily I have a hair appointment tomorrow. Hope I don't fall asleep, drink too much of her wine, or cry while I'm there. Or all three.

6. Doctors - I haven't rescheduled a doctor's appointment that was cancelled (by the dr.) last week. I haven't heard from my RE, but I haven't had time to even call and be concerned about it. I need to see someone about my sinus junk. I've felt bad for three weeks now.

SO . . . I have a few options that I'm considering. (1) Get more sleep. I just don't know when that will happen. (2) Don't make any more social plans through the rest of the month. I already have plenty. (3) Up my meds. Always a fun option. (4) Drink more. However, that would probably interfere with idea numbers 1 & 2. (5) Get my ass in gear. Quit procrastinating, prioritize, get it done, and take care of myself in the process.

Or, I can go with (6) Do all of the above. Time to get my head out of my ass. At least it's not up that guy's ass! That would be gross.

My Rambling Quandry

Welcome to a possible rambling-more-than-ever kinda post. I've been tossing this around in my mind for a long time, so maybe you can help. Or listen. Or try to make sense of this. Or not.

In case you can't keep up, here's a Wordle that I made for a reference key.

See. Doesn't that help? :)

Okay . . . so if/when I do get pregnant again . . . I don't want to tell anyone. Of course I really do, but I know that I shouldn't. I can't. But I want to. Should I? Would that be smart? No, it would be stupid. But there are so many factors that would come into play. But I really shouldn't tell anyone. See my quandry now?

I feel a little like the girl who cried, "WOLF!" - three times in fact. It's gotten easier for me to tell people that I've lost another baby than it is to tell people that I'm pregnant. How crazy am I?

Pros to telling:
- people to pray for us
- no questions about us being pg
- no inquiring looks or glances
- not having to explain myself if I'm barfing/revolted by smells/tired/needing to leave work/nauseous/irritable (I won't say giddy because I doubt I'll ever get to that point.)

Cons to telling:
- lots of questions
- lots of concerns
- lots of looks from others
- everyone else waiting for the shoe to drop
- people thinking I'm crazy for telling
- having to untell (again)
- getting to have a secret
- telling a big surprise if for some reason it works out
- fear of getting more sympathy cards if it doesn't
- enjoying watching people wonder if I'm just getting fatter
- people knowing the odds are not on my side (again)
- other reasons that I know I can't think of right now

I honestly don't know who all actually reads this blog. I know some of you losers readers never leave comments. I love comments, though, and honestly rarely ever meet a stranger. My point is that if I/we decide NOT to tell people, then I definitely won't post some BFP announcement on this blog. (never have posted one here actually)

Will I tell the ladies on TTCAL/SAL because I know they'll support me & understand what I've experienced? Is that fair to my family? They won't know, but strangers my PL buds will? I have a couple of close confidants/IRL friends that know more than most, but is it fair to tell them when DH and I decide to tell noone and my family doesn't know? Should I tell my team at school, so they'll understand why I'm doing what I'm doing/acting how I'm acting? Is that fair? I'd have to tell my grandmother, Mary. She is slowly dying from cancer & while she's not dying today or tomorrow, we truly don't know how long she'll be with us. I know Mary is great at telling secrets, but I wouldn't want anyone else to know. Geez. See my quandry now?

In one way I'd want to shout it from the rooftops when my time (okay my FOURTH time - helllooooo) arrives. But how stupid is that? We all know these things (i.e. pregnancies) don't work out, right?!

On another note, when are pears in season? I just ate an entire can of chilled pears, and they were really good. Yummy, cold, grainy pears. Just wondering. Although I think I prefer the canned ones to the fresh ones. The fresh ones are often too crunchy IMO.

I need to go to the dentist. I have a handful of cavities and my teeth are starting to hurt. I should've had them filled over a year ago, but I was getting married and got KU. Anyway . . .

I also need glasses. Damn lasik doesn't stay around forever.

If I hadn't before, I think I just truly earned the title of RAMBLER now, huh? Fertile or not, I'm all over the damn place. Am I losing my mind, is this temporary insanity, or am I kinda-sorta normal and don't quite know it??? I know I'm not perfectly normal. I mean, come on . . . really people . . .

Comment away friends, family, strangers, lurkers, countrymen, countrywomen, cityfolk, migrant workers, whomever. I'm off to drink wine. And sleep. And blow my runny, sneezy nose. This allergy stuff is kicking my ass.