My Blessing

I know I have fallen out of the blogosphere, and I apologize.  There is so much to say, so much to share, and so much to tell that I wouldn't even know where to begin.  Hopefully I can be a little regular with my blogging because my daughter is awesome & I'd love to share her with you!

But most importantly, God gave me an amazing gift one year ago today.  My life and my heart have been completely changed forever.  I am so very blessed.

Photo Credit: photos by kekis

Happy Birthday, Katherine Leigh. You are amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, feisty, active, strong, curious, and the most incredible thing God has ever created.  I love you more than I could ever explain or show you.

Photo Credit:  AKA Photography

If you are still in the trenches . . . . still waiting . . . . have FAITH.  Your baby is out there.  It will be worth the wait.  I PROMISE you.  I know it's hard to see when you are on the other side, but I promise you what I say is true.  Have faith.

Mending?

As I was rocking my precious baby girl tonight, I thought to myself how I could sit there all night long with her and not move.  Then I decided I could truly stay there forever . . . just holding her, listening to her coo in her sleep, smelling her sweet clean skin, feeling her squishy thighs, and letting her fuzzy hairs tickle my cheek.

Then - since I'm a rambler inside my head before I even write or speak it - I thought that if needed I would stay there forever even I had to pee or poop on myself.  (haha)  But then I thankfully started another train of thought:

I could not love this precious angel anymore had I grown her in my own body.  She is mine.  There is absolutely no doubt about that.  My heart is so full that I sometimes feel like I really could explode.  Every time she smiles; every time she coos; every time she giggles . . . my heart begins to mend a little.  Each of those beautiful, precious moments take a bit of the hard parts in my heart and crack them apart so they can escape the clutch they've had on me for so, so very long.  The parts can now remove themselves from my heart, my mind, and my body.  A small hole will always remain in those places.  I know that because I am forever an infertile, habitual aborter.  My history won't ever change.  I won't ever forget how I got here and what I had to endure to be in this very place.  Surely that is why I can appreciate the here and now.

My future has changed though.  Now I am forever a Mommy.  And I am so incredibly in love.

Hard to Understand

Faith vs. Fear

He's Got This

Holding On

We've been through so much in the past 5+ years, but we are still holding on to hope.  Why?  Because it's all we have!

He IS Waiting

While I realize I don't always act or show it on this blog, I rely on God each and every day. I am a Christian, albeit imperfect, and my faith in the Lord is assuredly the only thing that has gotten me this far. I read this on another blog today, and it really hit home.

On Misty's blog, she spoke to me saying, "God is there, my sweet friends. Some of His greatest requirements of us, will truly be our largest sacrifices. Carry on. Run, walk, crawl through each day, knowing He is waiting to bare you up."

It is so true. There have been days in my journey to become a mother that even crawling has seemed impossible. How could I crawl if fear paralyzed me from even getting out of bed? Yet in those times, God helped me crawl. And then He retaught me how to walk. Some days I can even run. Thanks to Misty for such a poignant reminder.

I still look to the day that we will run with our child, but until then, I am thankful that He will bare me up. Even in the times when I cannot fathom doing it.