A New Look & a Bad Attitude

If you are using a reader, you won't be able to see what I've done, so open it up to check it out!  I decided that this old, rusty blog needed a new look.  Hope your eyes can handle it better than the last one I had.

Other than that, I am past the point of upset with Dr. S' office.  If you can remember back to December of last year (yes, that would four months ago in 2010), our IVF never happened.  We still have yet to see our refund of monies.  My bad attitude about it all will be thrown on paper in a few moments and sent to Ms. K and Dr. S..  If a check for close to $10K isn't in my hands by Wednesday, I will be forced to contact my attorney and the BBB.  We want our money back NOW.  It's bad enough that we don't have a baby, but to take our money . . . this is ridiculous.

Are you serious????

I'm almost rendered speechless, but not quite.

I received by mail a bill on Thursday. Yes, on Thursday, October 15, 2009. Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It was a bill from Dr. Gloom & Doom. For $945. For services rendered. In November & December 2008. This is the first and (I imagine) the last bill I have ever received from that office.

Guess who isn't getting a DIME of my money? If anything, that incompetent bastard owes ME money. I honestly don't have much else to say about this topic, other than fuck off Dr. G&D. All you have to do is piss me off once.

I need a secretary to take dictation.

I've had it.

Go the bathroom (or insert a catheter), get some popcorn (or a couple of meals), pour a cold drink (or ten), & let's see if I can get this down. I don't even know how to type all this crap out now. I need to get it out so I don't go completely insane and to help me remember when I do go nuts. Plus, I need the reminder in case I ever consider talking Dr. G&D ever, ever, ever again. Before I forget - I called the RE to whom I had been referred by friends and the first available appointment is at the end of February (aka as another cycle gone).

After the first call from Dr. G&D's office, my cell phone rings again. Two more times. While my class is taking a test! (Thank goodness for the vibrate ringer.) Dr. G&D wanted to at least do a phone consult with me. They asked if he could call me at 3:45. Sure. WTH.

So, the office calls AGAIN --- remember, they are efficient --- and when I call back, Dr. G&D is there to talk with me. I think he had enough sense to know that I am pissed at him and he is not my friend anymore. (I've been on the playground with the kids too much lately.) I was VERY short in my responses and my monotone voice showed my curtness, not courtesy.

Bottom line: I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I repeat, I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I do not have a septate uterus. I repeat, I do not have a septate uterus. WTF????? I'll be using a lot of quotation marks from here as I quote exactly what I wrote down while talking to Dr. G&D.

The HSG report showed "bicornuate uterus suspected." The MRI results "were not consistent with a bicornuate uterus or a septate uterus." He said on more than one occasion that my "uterine cavity is not normal." In looking at the HSG and MRI, Dr. G&D said that it appears there is a :uterine fibroid in the fundus (top) of the uterus." Another fibroid? And why is that damn thing STILL THERE? Didn't I just have surgery just 60 days ago to get all that crap out of my bum ute? I digress . . .

Dr. G&D also says that this is probably the only reason I'm having difficulty; that basically nothing else points to my losses. (I think he's more concerned than I am about WHY I've lost three babies. I've had to write off getting those answers to prevent me being taken away by the nice men with a three-armed white jacket.) I digress again . . . I responded, "Well, that and the MTHFR." He then states that "MTHFR by itself is not associated with an increase in miscarriage." Oh really, Sherlock? That's not what the research I've read offers. Through my research and talking with other women who have the MTHFR mutation, I beg to differ. Actually, I won't beg. I know that can't be true. There's just no effing way.

Then comes the suggestion that "we need to address the fibroid." As in send it a postcard? As in I need to send invitations to everyone for another hooha party? Dr. G&D vacillates between the facts that (1) I'm running out of time, (2) the fibroid needs to be "addressed", and (3) I need to get pregnant. I try multiple times to figure out what exactly he's talking about, and I begin to wonder if he even knows. (Funny that I would question that - AGAIN.) When I asked him what options he means, he says that it needs to be "addressed either abdominally or hysteroscopically." I think he's talking surgery. Again. The fourth in less than two years. Me = not happy. Still.

He continued to vacillate more than a cheap, old, metal fan with rust on it at your Meemaw's 100 year old house. He said that I could get pg, and if I "made it past 8 to 10 weeks" then things would probably be okay. How reassuring! I always spot in the sixth week of pregnancy (6w3d to be specific) and have miscarriages in the eighth week, so gosh, let's try the pg crapshoot again. I finally tell him that "I am getting mixed messages here. Are you saying that I need to get pg or have surgery?" I need one or the other. He finally says it - "Surgery."

Then I'm getting even more angry. I told him (while choking back tears because I cry when I don't scream) that "I wish I would've known this before the end of last year. I spent close to 1/10 of my annual salary last year, and this is STILL NOT FIXED." His heartfelt response? "I'm sorry." Asshole. That's just not enough. I then told him I needed to speak with my husband and ended the phone conversation.

Crying, I leave everything behind at school (and you have no idea HOW BEHIND I am right now) & trying not to completely lose my shit. For the bajillionth time in the past 22ish months, I have my personal cryfest in the car. I curse at people, I cry, and then the phone rings. It's DH. He knows I'm upset, so I tell him I talked to Dr. G&D and I'm not happy. We can talk when I get home.

Continuing on my quest, I call Dr. Terrific's office & leave a message with "Nurse Excellent" (Dr. T's wonderful, excellent, empathetic nurse) that I need to speak with Dr. T. She calls me back within twenty minutes and is not happy to hear what Dr. G&D said. When I mentioned surgery, Nurse E said, "Why don't you let Dr. T do it if it has to be done?" I hadn't thought of that. I told Nurse E that I will be contacting Dr. G&D's office on Monday to get all of my files together. "I want all reports, charts, films, and (party) pics. It's my uterus, and it will become a part of my uterine briefcase now." She wholeheartedly agreed. I'm going to become Rain Man after all by keeping my "red, severe injury book".

So . . . the next part of this screwed up story is a consult with Dr. T on Wednesday. If he can get me through this, get us pregnant, keep us pregnant, deliver us a precious little baby, and up my Prozac dosage in the meantime, then we might have a plan. He's my main man anyway.

Aannnnddd - SCENE.

Good Thing I Was Going to No-Show

Because stupid Dr. G&D's office just called to try and reschedule my appointment. He has an emergency surgery this afternoon at 4:15, so he wanted to see if I could come in at 4:45.

My response? "Emergency surgery that would last only 30 minutes? I wouldn't want to be his patient on the table! This cycle is shot now, so I'll just figure something out." Whatever.

THIS AIN'T BASEBALL, ASSHOLE

Forewarning: Another rambling, pissed off post that will be possibly . . . okay, most likely . . . okay definitely laden with words my Mama doesn't like to hear. My Daddy says them all the time (especially when playing golf), but not my Mom. And yeah, they divorced over 40 years ago!

As all of you lovely readers know, Dr. Gloom & Doom has no personality. He is also a dumbass. A dumbass who has made me mad for the very.last.time.

Strike #1: Waiting an hour in the waiting room

Strike #2: Lack of followup after HSG & MRI

Strike #3: My cell phone rings this afternoon. It's Dr. G&D's secretary-person-lady. Dr. G&D, being the dumbass he is, didn't tell his own freaking office that he had a meeting scheduled for today, so they needed to cancel my appointment for this afternoon. Well yeah, he had a meeting this afternoon. It was a meeting with me dammit!!! Of course, I'm then asked to reschedule for tomorrow morning. Uh, no. I'm a teacher. I REEEEFUUUUUUSSSSEEEE to take off a day of work because he's a stupid, non-communicative asshole. (I'm stockpiling those days off for my imaginary future maternity leave.)

So instead, I am given the "luxury" of a late appointment tomorrow.

At 4:30.

Across town.

In Dallas traffic.

On a Friday.

With a doctor who most likely will just want to get the hell home & not deal with ME.

Not.going.to.work.for.me.

THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME ISN'T IT????? Well it fucking should be.

I was not happy but trying to work with them. Now that I think about it, WTH am I doing that? As much money as I've already paid them & what do I have to show for it? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

On my way home from work (after an absolutely hellish day at school, which is another story), I luckily called Dr. Terrific's office and learned that Dr. G&D never sent the records from my HSG & MRI to him! WTF??? I specifically asked Dr. G&D to send them. For the love of my crappy uterus, it was a month ago!! After you read about Dr. T's reaction to what Dr. G&D said, you can understand my need & desire for a second opinion from another person who's spent even more party time in my hooha. When I vented to Dr. T's nurse about Dr. G&D, she said she was not surprised. Sounds like he's pissed off a few other ladies.

Strike #4: He's out. As in FIRED. As in buh-bye dumbass Dr. Gloom & Doom.

Tomorrow I'm calling another RE who has come highly recommended by two friends. If this cycle is already shot, I might as well get a fresh start with someone else. We just discussed it, and DH is completely supportive in my decision. I hate starting all this crap over again, but we're left with no choice. All we want is a baby. And I know Dr. G&D will not place a newborn in my arms tomorrow afternoon at 4:30pm.

I'm also tempted to not call his office until 4:25 or so to tell them I'm not coming. And try to bill my ass. Just try it.

Oh, and Laurie . . . you were right.

New Year, New Attitude

Well, kinda. I'm really now kinda scared as shit, and I don't know why. I know what it is like to get pregnant, be pregnant, and have a miscarriage. Shoot - I've done it three times now! (I'm even considered "Most Informed" by the other ladies sailing on the RPL boat with me.)

But now, it's different. Maybe I just feel like the stakes are higher, time is running out, this is getting serious, or something. I'm nervous and worried and scared and trying to be hopeful. Seriously, if we don't get pg soon we'll be out of the race for good. As in forever. As in never. I can't face the thought of that.

Follow-up appointment with Dr. G&D is Thursday. Although we had the impromptu-me-calling-his-personal-cell-phone conference , I'm going in to meet him face to face and maybe even see some more party pics from my delightful HSG and MRI experiences. I guess we'll talk some more about my retarded uterus, about what kind of drugs I need, why I need to get pg and fast, etc. He'll tell me that I have a higher risk of m/c (ya think???) and a higher risk of PTL. I'll tell him I know that, and let's get it done. I have STD insurance (that's Short Term Disability, not sexually transmitted disease insurance), so at least we'll be covered should the need for bedrest arise. This is all assuming we get pg and STAY that way.

On another note, DH finally told his mom about our struggles. She has mental illness (well, she's batshitcrazy) and physical stuff going on, but she can somehow still beat him down about grandchildren and send me a freaking Kate Spade diaper bag for Christmas. Well, now she knows we've had three m/c, and she's excited that we might have twins. DH says any more than two and he'll "cut if off." Yeah, right.

I'll take twins. DEFINITELY. In fact, I'd like twins. I'd LOVE twins. I'm crazy like that. Especially twin girls - but I'd take whatever. I won't ask for them twice or more, though, because I don't want God to get confused and send us four or eight or twelve. Not really up for that.

"Do you have children?" (listen for cricket noises as DH exchange the "uhhhh" glances)
"No, we don't." (more cricket noises)
"We're trying."
Thanks for asking stranger person to whom we were just introduced.. That's definitely the question I wanted to hear and answer in the first twelve hours of 2009. Made for a good excuse to drink two or more glasses of wine plus a strong bloody mary in less than two hours. Also made for a good nap on the road. :)

So . . . as I was saying, my appointment is Thursday. We're back in the saddle again.

Ramblingly Yours,
The Rambler

As My Uterus Turns

After calling Dr. G&D's office multiple times in two days, I called him on his personal cell phone last night. He was going to be on my time for a change. I figured if i couldn't get an answer in a timely manner, that I would hunt it down (i.e., hunt him down). Thanks to my RE-chasing, the verdict from my HSG, MRI (and other hooha related fun) is in.

The HSG and MRI showed no septum, but it did show that I am sporting a bicornuate uterus.

The good news? No surgery needed. YEA! I'll get to enjoy the final days of 2008 without any more hooha parties!

The not so good news? A bicornuate uterus increases the chance of miscarriage (uh, ya think?) and early delivery/PTL due to a shortened cervical length.

Where do we go from here? Dr. G&D wants DH to go in for an SA since he hasn't had one before. (Might as well let DH see just a tiny glimpse of what I've been through the past 21 months.) Then we'll go in together, review the results, make a plan which will include injectibles (pray for donated meds), and go for it.

DH and I are both on Christmas vacation through the 5th, so we hope to spend this time relaxing, enjoying, and just hanging out. I hope all of you can find some time do the same as well!

Like Coming Home

My annual "well woman exam" (I hate that term) was today with Dr. T, aka Dr. Terrific my OB/gyn. Seeing Dr. T felt like a breath of fresh air. His upbeat attitude, charm, sense of humor, and overall personality just make me love him. I'll share some of the fun we shared during my appointment at a later date. Yes, I used the word fun in the same paragraph as I mentioned my OB/gyn and a pap smear. You gotta know Dr. Terrific, I suppose.

When I updated him on everything from Dr. Gloom & Doom (aka, Dr. G&D my RE), Dr. T was very surprised to hear of the possibility of a bicornuate or septate uterus. He also didn't feel as if my left tube was closed. Dr. T pulled out the party pics from my surgery in April, and things just didn't seem to match up. Even I could tell. Granted, that was eight months ago, but the findings & details from April to December seemed very contradictory.

Past party pics showed no uterine defects, no closed tube, etc. Dr. T said tubes can often appear closed through an HSG due to spasms of the fallopian tube. Having experienced the massive cramping that occurs during the HSG, I can totally see (feel!) how that could happen.

I am going to have Dr. G&D contact Dr. T so the two of them can compare parties in my hooha discuss the various findings of my HSG, MRI, and both surgeries. Yes, I've had other doctors party in my hooha besides them, but they've always brought cake & gifts spent the most time all "up in dair." If it is deemed by BOTH doctors that another surgery is required, my request will be that they operate together. As I told my mom, "It's my body and what I say goes." Typically a negative nelly who is also a nurse, I was a bit taken aback when Mom agreed with my position.

So . . . after a weekend-long massive pity party for one, love and patience from DH, lots of support from strangers blog friends, IRL friends, and family, and an entertaining (as always) visit with Dr. T . . . I feel a little more positive. I'm working my way back into a mindset of the possibility that we might actually be able to have a baby. At least I'm going to give it a helluva try. God wouldn't punish me like that, would he? Oh, I hope not.

HSG: No news is good news, but . . .

. . . not good news is simply not good news. It's not BAD news, just not good.

Disclaimer: If your eyes, ears, heart, mind, or whatever is highly sensitive or offended by cursing . . . sorry. I'm not happy and I'm tired of filtering when I write. I can just hope that you and God forgive me. Oh, and this is probably going to be long and rambly.

I just got back from my HSG. About the HSG - not too bad. Cramping? Oh hell yeah. You know exactly when that dye goes in. Geez. Dr. Gloom & Doom, who actually showed a some personality today, gathered 'round the video screen pointing and chatting about my ute with the radiologist. I hear hhmmmm, blahblahblah, etc. At that point, I'm trying not to cry. Either way, it can't be stellar news. Plus, I'm still cramping. There was no glittering of what should be my diamond-encrusted uterus. None at all. Piece of crap ute. I've spent all this damn money and it's still a piece of shit.

They snap a few pics and Dr. G&D comes over to me. He tells me that my left tube is completely closed. When the fuck did that happen? It was just fine in April when my OB/gyn, Dr. Terrific, did my lap surgery which included chromotubation. Everything was wide open & in working order. Well shit. Yeah I know you can get pg with one tube, but really, isn't two better? God gave me two, so I should be able to use them.

I'm thinking, okay - this is survivable. Take that one tube and run with it. Then Dr. G&D opens his mouth again, telling me the shots taken show something abnormal. He believes my uterus is either septate or bicornuate. He's leaning more towards the latter of the two. Delightful! I have a dead tube and a fucked up uterus. And why the hell has nobody ever figured that out? I've had multiple OB/gyns partying in my hooha and nobody figured out anything? What else???

An MRI - that's what else! We tried to schedule it for today, but they were booked. Then I thought, "What the hell, what about a mammogram while I'm here?" They were booked as well. Maybe I should've scheduled some kind of plastic surgery for the afternoon to make me feel better instead.

I held it together until I got into my car and headed home. That's when I lost it. I've been so good at keeping it all together lately and needed the release. I'm frustrated as hell. This is not fair. I don't deserve this. DH doesn't deserve this. What am I supposed to be learning from all of this? Why does this have to be so difficult? I just want a baby. You know - a baby - just like all crackwhores, teenagers, prostitutes, crazyass, and loser women have all the time.

The MRI is tomorrow. We'll get more definitive answers then. From there, almost definitely resection surgery. That needs to happen in the next two weeks. Go, Speed Racer. Drive your fucking ass to the finish line and give me your baby. I digress . . . They offered me Xanax to take prior to the MRI tomorrow, and I declined. Since DH wants to go with me (He said, "You've been through enough already."), I'm calling them and telling them to get the drugs ready. And keep 'em coming. Between Xanax, DH, my iPod, and Josh Groban up high, I should be fine. I've had an MRI before and I'm not claustrophobic, but I don't want to suddenly become that way tomorrow. Plus, I've never had Xanax and it might be good for me to try it out. :)

Jesus, I'm so fucking tired of having all of my shit be wrong and need fixing. I swear to God right now that I'll officially snap if anyone tells me that "Gosh, at least you can get it fixed," or "Thankfully it'll be okay," or "At least you got answers, " or "You should be happy you know why you m/c," or "Don't worry, I'm sure things will be fine," or any of the other shit-you-shouldn't-dare-say-or-are-supposed-to-say-to-RPL-and-IF-women.

I am in love with my amazing husband, and I just want to have a baby with him. That's all. I just don't know how much more we're going to have to endure before that happens. I just don't more how much I can take physically, emotionally, and financially.

For now, I shall drink lots of wine. The next procedure I require will be to resuscitate my liver. Unless that Xanax is nice . . . then there's no telling what might happen.

Getting Plans In Motion!

Remember Plan #5,457,356,068 - or something like that? Well, tomorrow that plan will begin rolling!

My HSG is tomorrow at 2pm CST. Hopefully there will be NO uterine septum. If there is, then I'll have surgery sometime in the next two weeks (before the year is over). We'll then discuss option for this cycle. As previously mentioned, Dr. Gloom & Doom (RE) wants me to begin injection therapy using Follistim.

Please also pray that donated Follistim can be found, as these two poor teachers can't afford over $1000 on a wing & a prayer. Even if it wasn't on a wing & a prayer, we just don't have that kind of money right now. I'm not at all worried about the procedure itself, but I ask for your prayers and good thoughts that everything goes well.

My recovery should be easy since DH's work Xmas party is tomorrow night - and there will be wine. :)

She's almost baaaaccckkkkkkk

AF that is. According to the qtip test I did tonight (after piac just in case I needed to poas), she'll be here tomorrow or so. Today is CD31, so she's late to her own party. My skin has actually cleared up a bit, and I don't know why. (My skin is a freaking hormonal disaster as it is.) I also needed chocolate earlier - a definite sign. How else do I know that nasty red-headed slut is showing up soon?

CRAMPS.
Death-style cramps.
I'm talking holyhell cramps, people.

There has to be someone or something inside of me that is trying to split my pelvis in half, twist my uterus, tubes & ovaries in some kind of a roller-coasterish disaster, and just plain kill me. They're the kind of cramps that you have in the beginning of a miscarriage. Where are my pain pills, by the way?

So as soon as her ugly head rears in the next 24-48 hours, I'll call Dr. G&D to schedule my HSG. Won't that be fun?

Then I'll likely start injectibles (if I can get my hands on some donated Follistim) with the potential to become a hormonal, freaking disaster.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas . . .

Plan #5,457,356,068 (or something like that)

My post-op appointment with Dr. Gloom & Doom finally happened. And when I say finally, I mean finally. I raced like a bat out of hell to get ready and to the doctor's office on time. Not long after I checked in & settled in on the couch, Dr. G&D walks through the waiting room, says hello to me, and leaves. As in leaves the office. As in not to be seen for an hour. WTH? For some reason, I was not told of his "emergency" for over 40 minutes. I took the "opportunity" to read chapters 3 & 4 of the waiting room copy of "Conquering Infertility." Pretty good book btw!

Now to the appointment. It lasted all of 10 minutes, and that is only because I started asking all kinds of questions. I wanted my money's worth. :) Luckily no clothing was removed to reveal my experiment. My blood pressure was up 140/100. Wonder why? I only sat in the waiting room for a freaking hour. Plus, I ran out of my bp meds & hadn't had them since Saturday. See, there's always a reason for everything.

Anyway . . . Pathology said everything from surgery was fine. Fibroid was removed. I got to see more party pics of my uterus. Poor, beaten up thing.

The Plan - #5,457,356,068 or something like that if you're still counting:

1. Wait for AF. She's on her way I'm sure.
2. Call the office on CD1 to schedule HSG.
3. See what the HSG shows.
4. If the HSG shows any uterine septum, then schedule resection surgery.
5. Resection surgery (if needed) would happen before Xmas. Good thing since I met my OOP expenses in April. Geez.
6. Either way, the next cycle will include injection therapy. Most likely Follistim.
7. Get pregnant. (Been there, done that.)
8. Have baby. (Novel, yet new, concept for me.)

I asked the doctor why nobody had seen a septum before. Since it's not a complete septum/division, it wouldn't be easy to see. I used the analogy of the septum being like the inside of a bell pepper. Dr. D&G said it was something like that but probably not even that pronounced.

I also asked (remember, I had to get my money's worth) what the cost of injections would be. See, I'm one of the masses that doesn't have IF covered by insurance. No telling what it will cost.
I asked (still thinking time = $$) what the rate of multiples would be with the Follistim. Believe it or not, the rate of multiples thru injection therapy such as Follistim decreases with age. I'm okay with twins (preferably no more than 2 a time), but DH said he'd "cut it off" if we had more than one at a time. Whatever.

So, that's the plan. Any experiences you'd like to share? Be honest. It's okay to scare me if you have to do it. This whole IF thing is scary anyway.

Oh, and I made an appointment for my annual exam today. Party in my hooha! Everyone's invited! (They all know how to get there now.)

My Morning, My Day, My Experiment

I LOVE sleeping in, all cuddled up in bed. It's my week off, so I've been looking forward to this for weeks now. I thought if I stayed up late last night that I'd sleep in this morning. Uh, no. That didn't happen. So now, with less than 5 hours of sleep, I have my day ahead of me.

So far, I have:

• Practice peed (BFN of course, so no more for me.)
• Grabbed my nipples (Remember my last nipple post? Same deal.) OUCH!
• Hugged Todd goodbye (Poor guy has to work!)
• Read some blogs
• Got poor, crazy Mackey to quit howling like he's being murdered.
• Snuggled with my baby dog, Steve. Not for long though - he's gassy again today. (WTH has he been eating??)
• Said good morning to my cat, Mindy, as she walked in & out of the bedroom.
• Thought about what shopping I'd like to do today.
• Stayed in bed
• Thought about Thanksgiving cooking that needs to be done.
• Pet my girlfriend dog, Pippin, since she's finally awake.
• Grumbled about the fact that I need to make an appt. for my annual. Have enough people not been in my hooha lately? ggrrr
• Remembered that I also need to make a mammogram appointment. Not right now. Not with these nipples.
• Worried about finances, remembered I need to pay my bills
• Made a to do list in my head
• Thought of the foods I'd like to eat for breakfast, but I'm too lazy to get out of bed to eat them.
• Checked the clock to see if it was around 11:00. I want a tuna fish sandwich, but I can't rationalize eating tuna during breakfasting hours.
• Checked the exact time for my post-op appointment with Dr. G&D (the RE) this afternoon. I don't know what to ask or say or do. Guess he'll have to be in charge of this meeting. Hope he doesn't want to do any checking out of anything because I ain't shavin' nothin'.

Speaking of shaving, did I tell you I'm conducting an experiment? Yes, I am. (I know this is rambling, thus the blog title.) To let you know upfront, I LOVE my Epilady. What is an Epilady you ask? It is a wonderful electronic device donning spinning coils that rips the hair out of your legs from the root. Some would consider it a torture device, but it's really not that bad.

Anyway, to my experiment . . . I recently Epiladied my right leg and shaved my left. Honestly, I ran out of time trying to Epilady, so I decided it would be a good time for an experiment. The right left is still fairly smooth, but the left leg is awfully hairy now. Time to break the Epilady out for BOTH legs. But, not today. (Time to refer back to the disclosure regarding my post-op appoinment!)

I guess it's time to figure out what I else I don't want to do today . . . . . . OOoooo! The Price is Right is on! :)

Surgery #3 - The lowdown.

Disclaimer: I've tried to type this in a coherent, gramatically correct, perfect spelling post. If any of that does not happen, blame it on the drugs.

From a recovery standpoint, this surgery is MUCH better than my last! I think the fact that it was a hysteroscopy and not a laparoscopy, coupled with the fact that I told the docs no morphine, really helped. I was so blown up from the lap surgery that I was miserable. This time I'm just blown up from being fat. ;)

Surgery began around 2:oo, and I woke up in recovery having some nice discussions with my recovery nurse about her job, how my mom was a nurse, how I wanted to be a nurse, etc. Guess I was pretty coherent (at least in my mind - ha!). I also woke up needing to go to the bathroom, so when I was taken back to my room around 4:30 or so, I was ready to pee and eat/drink so I could go home! I was a good girl - sipping my ginger ale, eating my crackers, and requiring no pain meds since recovery. (I also knew pain meds = 1 more hour in the hospital.)

In the HSC, Dr. G&D (my RE) removed a fibroid that was on the backside of my uterus - where embroys typically like to implant. He told my DH that everything went well. Dr. G&D also said there is a slight possibility of a uterine septum. WTH? Why haven't any of the thousands of men in my hooha seen it? Guess we'll discuss this more during my postop appointment. DH and I were both told that we need to get pg asap, and at my postop we can discuss how agressive we would like to be. We'll be as agressive as we need, as long as agressive does not = lots of cash. The good news from the surgery? It cost me nothing! Guess that's the silver lining of multiple surgeries in one year since I met my annual deductible and out of pocket expenses in April!

We got home some time after 6ish (I think), ate dinner, and I got in bed. I checked email, my online boards, etc. then watched some TV. I went to bed around 9:30 after some snuggle time with my DH on one side and my Stevie on the other. I wanted so desperately to sleep like a rock throughout the night, but I've been up every hour or two to go to the bathroom. Gggrrrrr. I'm a little sore in my abdomen and my throat is really sore from being intubated. The meds are making me a little light-headed, but that's okay as long as I'm not hurting. Plus, I'm probably a little light-headed naturally. ha!

This morning, DH asked me "what my plans are for today". WTH does that mean? Uhhh, I'm sitting on my ass, sleeping, and expecting food and beverage delivery throughout the day. Yep, those are my plans! Luckily my mother will be by later in case I need some real TLC that sometimes only my mom can provide. Of course, that can be a double-edged sword because it often is accompanied by nagging and unsolicited advice. For now, I'll take it. :)

Thanks for all of the prayers, thoughts, warm fuzzies, emails, and messages. My friends and this online community of strangers friends with whom I am blessed have saved me time and time again. I love all of you!

Check!

Surgery is scheduled for the afternoon of Friday, November 7. Finally. Let's get this uterus cleaned out and healthy this time. Please! Now that it's scheduled, I can go from being irritated and impatient to nervous and anxious. I'm also starting progestin today per my RE's instructions. The side effects sound delightful!

"The main side effects are acne, bloating, breakthrough bleeding, breast discomfort, depression, dizziness, fluid retention, headaches, irregular bleeding, lethargy, moodiness, nausea, prolonged bleeding, spotting, vomiting and weight gain."

Years ago, I took Depo-Provera as birth control & didn't have many side effects that I remember, so I'm hoping that remains the case. I did warn my DH & my work team though! But then again, looking at all of these side effects, it sounds like a normal day for me!!

As Normal as Normal Can Be For Now

I called the RE's office, prepared to yell and get ugly if I had to do it. Luckily I called home first and heard the voice mail from Dr. G&D (for those of you not following along, Dr. Gloom & Doom = my RE).

All of my labs came back normal. Normal? Nothing about this whole trying to get pregnant, losing babies, having surgeries, and being vampired a bajillion times has been normal. Guess my Protein S & C, FSH, Glucose, testosterone, and whatever else they took were okay. Why do I doubt that is true?

Next step - hysteroscopy. Again. Luckily it won't be laparoscopic, so I won't wake up looking like I'm 6 months pregnant this time. After talking to Dr. T (aka Dr. Terrific = my OB/gyn), my two hooha docs decided Dr. D&G will do the surgery. We're temporarily slated for November 6th unless I got KU this cycle. We didn't try to, but we definitely didn't not try. I think I Od yesterday (CD14) from the looks of my temps.

I just hope they get out whatever is in there that shouldn't be & keep what's supposed to be in there. And I also hope for good drugs this time - NOT morphine though!

The Vampire is Out

??????????

Actually, the vampire is probably still in, but I don't have the results of my b/w taken last Saturday. My RE was out for a holiday yesterday, and I was too chicken to call today. Hopefully their office will be open on Monday since I have the day off and can melt down at home alone if the results aren't too stellar.

This is Me Lately

I feel like I can't get anything done. Everything from work to home to my car and everywhere in between feels as if it's in disarray. It was all I could do not to break down and cry today. I am so incredibly overwhelmed and everything is suffering.

Examples from School:

1. I completely & totally didn't include the right learning units in my team's plans for the past few weeks, and now the entire fourth grade will be taking an assessment on stuff they haven't even learned. WTH did I do? Luckily, a team member figured it out, but it was my responsibility.

2. I am overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork and meetings I've had lately. My desk is a disaster. I have a TON of papers to grade and can't seem to get them done.

3. I accidentally gave a student of mine a 50 in Science on her progress report. I completely & totally didn't put the grade for one of her assignments in the grade book. Her average is really a 95. I sure hope she didn't get grounded because her teacher is an idiot.

5. I have another parent who questioned her son's grade. Now I'm doubting myself.

6. In the first nine weeks of schools, our students will have taken 9 major assessments. How ridiculous. No wonder I'm behind in my plans & absolutely overwhelmed. Usually I handle all of this very well. In fact, I'm infamous for being overly anal and organized and on top of things. Not lately! Must.get.it.together!!!

Examples from Home:

1. My house is a mess. The maid came today, and it's still a mess. Granted almost all of it isn't MY mess, but it's a mess. Disorganization and piles of stuff everywhere literally makes me anxious.

2. I finally went to the grocery store tonight for the first time in forever. We were out of toilet paper. Who runs out of toilet paper???

3. Laundry - I can't keep up with it, but I never have been able to keep up with laundry. Guess I don't plan on it at this point in the game.

4. I actually cooked dinner AND prepared lunches for both of us tomorrow. At least we won't starve to death in the next 14 or so hours. Thank goodness.

Personal Examples:

1. I haven't scrapbooked since August. I need to and want to work on my scrapbooks. Haven't done it.

2. I'm so freaking exhausted by the time I get home from work that I can't accomplish anything.

3. My email overfloweth as does my Google Reader.

4. I haven't returned phone calls in about a week.

5. My hair looks like crap. Luckily I have a hair appointment tomorrow. Hope I don't fall asleep, drink too much of her wine, or cry while I'm there. Or all three.

6. Doctors - I haven't rescheduled a doctor's appointment that was cancelled (by the dr.) last week. I haven't heard from my RE, but I haven't had time to even call and be concerned about it. I need to see someone about my sinus junk. I've felt bad for three weeks now.

SO . . . I have a few options that I'm considering. (1) Get more sleep. I just don't know when that will happen. (2) Don't make any more social plans through the rest of the month. I already have plenty. (3) Up my meds. Always a fun option. (4) Drink more. However, that would probably interfere with idea numbers 1 & 2. (5) Get my ass in gear. Quit procrastinating, prioritize, get it done, and take care of myself in the process.

Or, I can go with (6) Do all of the above. Time to get my head out of my ass. At least it's not up that guy's ass! That would be gross.

SHG - The Good, Bad & the Ugly

GOOD: The Good news
- SHG wasn't bad at all. Saline was cold, but it wasn't too bad.
- Ovaries look good, tubes clear, etc.
- Out of pocket expenses covered for the year, SHG = no cost. (today!)
- Dr. D&G (Doom & Gloom) actually smiled today.
- Dr. D&B doesn't see need for IUI or IVF. ("You can get pg.")

BAD: Not so good news
- Damn fibroid in uterus. (aka - "Uterine cavity is not clear.")
- Damn fibroid could be leftover from April surgery. Could be new but probably not.
- RE thinks damn fibroid could have caused at least one of my m/cs.
- Some cramping tonight. Wine didn't help much. Neither did 4 more Advil.

UGLY: Not bad, but not my favorite news
- Surgery necessary. Again. Get this damn fibroid outta me.

What's next?
- Waiting for b/w results.
- RE & OB/gyn to chat and come up with surgical plan.
- Surgery to remove damn fibroid within a month at the most.
- Should know more in the next couple of days.

Editorial:
- I'm sick of people (mainly men of the medical profession who are not my husband) being in my hooha and any other hole they can find. I really want my holes left alone for a while.

Stuck Between an RE and a Baby

Hello, my little blog readers. C'mon over to the carpet. Everyone sit down on your pockets, put a bubble in your mouth, and turn on your listening ears. Good job everyone! Well, my little blog readers, today we are learning to count RPL/IF-style. Let us begin:

Years waiting to find the right man ---35.5

Years married to the right man --- 1.5

Years hoping to become a mother --- 40.5

BFPs --- 3

Dead babies --- 3 between April '07 - March '08

Heartbeats seen --- 1

Tears --- millions & millions

OBs/REs --- 2

OB's nurses --- 12

Urologists --- 1

Medical bills to date (since 3/07) --- $5,223

Vials of blood given --- dozens

Number of sticks used for poas - ha! I'll never tell.

Surgeries --- two

Hours in waiting rooms --- 20?

Other "procedures" --- five? ten?

Rx --- 7-10 pills daily

Days off work last year --- ten

People/strangers looking at my hooha --- many

Embarrassing & uncomfortable moments --- tons

Dildo-cams --- undeterminable

CD3 bloodwork --- Saturday

HSG --- Monday

Cost in dollars per IUI --- $2500

Cost in dollars per IVF --- $15,000

A way to pay for anything IF-related --- none, zero, zilch, zip, nada, nunca, never

FEAR & WORRY --- endless

Actually having a baby of our own --- PRICELESS