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Friday, December 12, 2008

HSG: No news is good news, but . . .

. . . not good news is simply not good news. It's not BAD news, just not good.

Disclaimer: If your eyes, ears, heart, mind, or whatever is highly sensitive or offended by cursing . . . sorry. I'm not happy and I'm tired of filtering when I write. I can just hope that you and God forgive me. Oh, and this is probably going to be long and rambly.

I just got back from my HSG. About the HSG - not too bad. Cramping? Oh hell yeah. You know exactly when that dye goes in. Geez. Dr. Gloom & Doom, who actually showed a some personality today, gathered 'round the video screen pointing and chatting about my ute with the radiologist. I hear hhmmmm, blahblahblah, etc. At that point, I'm trying not to cry. Either way, it can't be stellar news. Plus, I'm still cramping. There was no glittering of what should be my diamond-encrusted uterus. None at all. Piece of crap ute. I've spent all this damn money and it's still a piece of shit.

They snap a few pics and Dr. G&D comes over to me. He tells me that my left tube is completely closed. When the fuck did that happen? It was just fine in April when my OB/gyn, Dr. Terrific, did my lap surgery which included chromotubation. Everything was wide open & in working order. Well shit. Yeah I know you can get pg with one tube, but really, isn't two better? God gave me two, so I should be able to use them.

I'm thinking, okay - this is survivable. Take that one tube and run with it. Then Dr. G&D opens his mouth again, telling me the shots taken show something abnormal. He believes my uterus is either septate or bicornuate. He's leaning more towards the latter of the two. Delightful! I have a dead tube and a fucked up uterus. And why the hell has nobody ever figured that out? I've had multiple OB/gyns partying in my hooha and nobody figured out anything? What else???

An MRI - that's what else! We tried to schedule it for today, but they were booked. Then I thought, "What the hell, what about a mammogram while I'm here?" They were booked as well. Maybe I should've scheduled some kind of plastic surgery for the afternoon to make me feel better instead.

I held it together until I got into my car and headed home. That's when I lost it. I've been so good at keeping it all together lately and needed the release. I'm frustrated as hell. This is not fair. I don't deserve this. DH doesn't deserve this. What am I supposed to be learning from all of this? Why does this have to be so difficult? I just want a baby. You know - a baby - just like all crackwhores, teenagers, prostitutes, crazyass, and loser women have all the time.

The MRI is tomorrow. We'll get more definitive answers then. From there, almost definitely resection surgery. That needs to happen in the next two weeks. Go, Speed Racer. Drive your fucking ass to the finish line and give me your baby. I digress . . . They offered me Xanax to take prior to the MRI tomorrow, and I declined. Since DH wants to go with me (He said, "You've been through enough already."), I'm calling them and telling them to get the drugs ready. And keep 'em coming. Between Xanax, DH, my iPod, and Josh Groban up high, I should be fine. I've had an MRI before and I'm not claustrophobic, but I don't want to suddenly become that way tomorrow. Plus, I've never had Xanax and it might be good for me to try it out. :)

Jesus, I'm so fucking tired of having all of my shit be wrong and need fixing. I swear to God right now that I'll officially snap if anyone tells me that "Gosh, at least you can get it fixed," or "Thankfully it'll be okay," or "At least you got answers, " or "You should be happy you know why you m/c," or "Don't worry, I'm sure things will be fine," or any of the other shit-you-shouldn't-dare-say-or-are-supposed-to-say-to-RPL-and-IF-women.

I am in love with my amazing husband, and I just want to have a baby with him. That's all. I just don't know how much more we're going to have to endure before that happens. I just don't more how much I can take physically, emotionally, and financially.

For now, I shall drink lots of wine. The next procedure I require will be to resuscitate my liver. Unless that Xanax is nice . . . then there's no telling what might happen.


Susan K said...

I'm sorry for a less than stellar HSG. :(

I would think that if your uterus is bicornuate (very hard to diagnose via HSG), Dr. Terrific would have noted that during your lap surgery since bicornuate is heart-shaped on the outside. Hopefully the MRI will be definitive and it's a septum--a resection would greatly increase your chances of a viable pregnancy.

Good luck!

Sarah said...

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry Kristin. :( That is the suckiest news ever. Call me if you need me!

Jen said...

Hugs...I don't know what to say...except agree with you that it is totally not fair.

Aria said...

I'm sorry Kristin. :( Good luck tomorrow.

noswimmers said...

Oh shitty shitty shit. I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say other than AARRGGHHH! You must be incredibly frustrated.

I hope the MRI goes well tomorrow.

Oh yeah...and have an extra glass (ah, what the hell--a BOTTLE) of wine for me, wouldya?

Newt said...

Aw shit, Kristin, I'm sorry you got crap news today. I hope the MRI goes better. Thinking of you.

Deena said...

holy hell! It's time for you to catch a break. So sorry, Kristin! Good luck tomorrow

Cathy said...

That sucks! I agree, I don't know why some of us have to work so much harder at getting PG than others. I completely hear you about just wanting to be able to go to that next step with your husband - I don't know about you but I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince.

Good luck with your MRI, sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Shannon said...

Im sorry about the news. And you're right- its just not fair that you have to go through this. I will be looking for the update on your MRI. Hang in there, Im thinking of you.

p.s. I personally enjoyed the swearing in your post. I feel emotion so much more when there is a f-bomb (or five) dropped in there :)

Katie said...

oh Kristin, I'm so sorry. You know we are hear for you. I'll be thinking of you.

Melissa said...

Oh hon.. I am SO sorry that you got bad news. I can only hope and pray that the news gets better from here. It ISN'T fair.

Meg said...

That effin SUCKS ass!!!!!!!!!
Thinking of you sweetie. It just isn't fair!

Brooke said...

I am so sorry. (((HUGS))) I really hoped you would receive some good news. I agree with you. Why is it that the most rediculous people can have a baby whenever they freakin want but not the ones that want it with all their hearts. I am glad your dh is being so supportive and going with you. I will pray for you girl I hope you get better news soon.

Shanny said...

I'm sorry your HSG didn't go well, I hope your MRI goes much much better. ((hugs))

Erin Fae said...

Well that just sucks. I'm so sorry and it's not at all fair. I'll be thinking of you and hoping that things get resolved sooner rather than later.

Anonymous said...

big hugs.

Laurie said...

WTF! I hate Dr. D & G! I want to kick his ass. I'm going to come beat the tar out of him.

The Quarke Family said...

I'm sorry. I don't know enough to offer anything intelligent, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you have to deal with this crap.

xx K

Kristi said...

I'm so sorry...


Maria (MKC101103) said...

Oh Kristin that blows big time. I'm so sorry you're not getting better news. I think it's amazing how you've kept your sense of humor and I hope you enjoy your Xanax and lots of wine!

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