Monday, December 28, 2009
Surprisingly, Steve didn't give me a need to use the bag, so I saved it for DH's walk with Mack. As DH brought Pippin in and leashed Mackey up, I told him the bag was on the entry table for him to use if he wanted to take it. He asked, "Why a bag of leaves?" I told him the same thing I just told you about picking up fresh poop.
His reply? "You'll be great with kids, Dear." I told him I hope so! :)
I know it sounds silly, but hearing that from the man I love - the father of my future children - really warmed my heart and gave me hope. I think he'll be great with kids, too.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Like his Mommy and Auntie Kekis, Michael likes beer too. ;) Okay, it's just the bottle he likes but he IS teething ya know.
And after a few beers fun night of playing, I took Michael on my own for a while. NoVa was totally cool with me taking her kid with me when I needed to go to the bathroom, getting his diaper changed, and walking around. I decided to see if I still had that magic touch, and got Michael to sleep. I still have it! That's when the self-portraits began.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Your Daddy and I were married on March 10, 2007 and made you sometime in the following week while on a relaxing honeymoon in the USVI. We found about you a little over two weeks later on March 27, and we were both so shocked! Your Daddy didn't quite believe me the first couple of times (days!) I told him. Never did we believe that we could conceive a child so easily. You were a blessing that we figured we would have to wait on for a long time.
We found out that you were to be born on this date, December 5, in 2007. As thrilled parents-to-be, we told almost everyone we could. They were excited to hear our wonderful news. We couldn't wait to be your parents. How excited we were to learn more about you and meet you and hold you and love you and celebrate Christmas with you. I felt as if you were a girl, even though I was barely pregnant. I had some slight nausea, was extremely fatigued, and my breasts were absolutely killing me. All I wanted to eat was crackers, chicken fingers, and potatoes.
Sadly, we learned on April 25 that we would not get to meet you here on Earth. I was devastated. I would never get to feel you moving in my belly or hold you or play with your Daddy or run with your pets or watch you grow. It's so amazingly difficult to explain to many others how I can miss you although I never met you. But I do. Every single day.
So, on the day that we wish that we could be celebrating your second birthday, I wanted you to know that I love you and miss you. You are my first angel, and my heart has a special place just for you. I will never, ever forget what you meant to me and the hopes and dreams I had for you.
Until we meet again,
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
When I told him that after looking at our December calendar thus far, it might be best for us to hold off on "official baby-making" for this month. I was honestly a bit surprised that he was a bit hesitant. I feel as if I've been the one pushing this whole TTC process, and it was nice to know that it matters to him as well.
With all that said, we are going to take the next 25 days to enjoy, relax, have sex for fun, hang out, and spend time with family and friends. No meds, no poas, no charting, no temping, no stress. We'll need to get ready for 2010 . . . this will have to be it for us - baby or bust!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
We'll just use last year's photo and this year's text, which should have/could have been text for the past two years.
If it's not appropriate to send these out - and believe me, I'm tempted - I may not send any out at all. Instead, I'll wait for all the precious, cute, wonderful cards from family and friends with their precious children that I don't have. How's that for some bitter Christmas candy?
Sunday, November 15, 2009
There is a lot going on in my head. I need to sort a bunch of it out before I begin putting any of it to paper. I'm just in one of those "places." I'm not sure how to describe it, really, but I'm just kinda quiet right now. Typically, quiet for me is not good. However, this is a quiet I need to get through the rest of 2009, through the holidays, through some things I need to figure out. There is nothing anyone can do to help me. I'm the only one who can do it. It's not all good, not all bad. Some of it's in between.
Don't worry . . . I'll still be blogging. I don't know what it will be about, but I'll be around to ramble some more.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Hope nobody reading has to deal with the swine flu. This is AWFUL.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
He pulled my phone out of my purse, inserted my needles and began clicking away. I soon felt as if I were a tourist attraction. The funniest part of the whole photographing process happened before he took the first photo. While I'm stretched out with needles, I keep my eyes closed. The Puncturer begins counting, "1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . ." and I start laughing. I said, "You don't need to count. I can't see you, and I'm not going to smile!" He shot the photo and said, "You were smiling there!" You won't see that photo because it's awful. Not that the rest of these are flattering whatsoever but here they are.
Here you can see several needles in my fat, tired, zit-ridden face since I
Needles in my legs, feet, and even in my toes!
And the last one is of my big belly. You'll see the needles in my upper and mid stomach, along my bikini line, and in my hands and thumbs.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I went for acupuncture again today. This time it felt more like acuPUNCTURE than before. My puncturer asked if it was okay to be aggressive, so I said yes not knowing what aggressive meant. It meant he put needles in my scalp, on the top of my head, in my wrists and arms, on the sides of my finger, sticking out of my thumb, in my calves, on my back, into my neck, on my stomach, in my ankles, and some other places I lost count of along the way. When he put one of the needles into the side of my hand, it shot up my forearm clear up to my shoulder. I said, "Did you hit one of my nerves?" Puncturer said, "Western medicine call it nerve. We call it channel." Nerve, channel, I don't care. That was crazy. I think a few of those needles must've been way extra long & hit my ovaries. Okay, maybe they didn't really hit my ovaries but dang . . .
And now that I think about it, the only thing he had me take off today was my socks and shoes. Ha!
When I asked what the purpose was for this treatment today (in relation to IF), puncture man said that it was to "stimulate my uterine and ovaries" and "clear my woman channel". He also said to "find out what doctor say about cysts" and he will "make them goway if still there." Whatever. Just make it all work in there!
I go for my baseline u/s tomorrow. The worst part of it (other than AF being here and the dildo cam being involved with that) will be that Dr. T is on call, so I have to go "across the street." I know a few of you who read my blog know what that means since your doc is a part of the same practice as Dr. Terrific. "Across the street" means I'm going to the OB office. I've never made it across the street before. See, that's the good thing about Dr. T's office. The pregnant office and the unpregnant office are separate. So separate that they are across the street from one another.
It'll be okay though. The pg ladies and I will wait together. The lucky with the unlucky. The baby carriers with the baby killer. The fertiles with the infertile. The blessed with the unblessed. As long as nobody asks when I'm due, we'll be jjuuuusstttt fine.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
After 2 weeks of AF last cycle, she's back again. Cycle 30 . . . here we are. The red-headed slut is out to kill this time. The cramps and flow are already killers on CD1. Of course, I've been spotting for 6 days, so I knew she was coming. Plus I hear that you at least have to have sex to get pregnant. Well, if one can even get pg without medical intervention.
Baseline u/s is scheduled for Friday. If the cysts are gone, then we'll be back in the saddle again. I'm not excited because I know this will probably be our last shot at IUI. Being that IVF is way out of our price range, and since I don't know of any docs who offer the "you po teeechers discount", I'm really scared that this will be the end of our road. One way or another, this might be it.
Since I can't worry about that or solving global warming tonight, hellcramps and I are going to bed. And yes, Auntie is coming with us. Bitch. If I don't croak in the night, I will blog again later this week.
Monday, October 26, 2009
- Speaking of funny, I had an interesting moment at the acu office today. After the voodoo was done on my back, the acu had me move to another room for my front voodooing. He had me put on my shirt to move rooms vs. leave my pretty white paper shirt on to walk to the next room over. Then he told me to take my top off and roll up the legs of my pants. When I told him that I left my paper shirt in the other room, he said not to worry about it. Okay. So I stripped down and laid on the table. When Mr. Voodoo came into the room, he seemed a little rattled. It was at that point he grabbed a lab jacket and said, "Let's put this . . . uh . . . there." Oops. I think I was supposed to leave my bra on. He got a full Mardi-Gras style flashin' from me. Of course, I didn't think it was anything until I got in the car to go home. Mr. Voodoo probably thinks I'm a freak. Maybe I am. Infertility will do that to any sane woman, ya know.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I received by mail a bill on Thursday. Yes, on Thursday, October 15, 2009. Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It was a bill from Dr. Gloom & Doom. For $945. For services rendered. In November & December 2008. This is the first and (I imagine) the last bill I have ever received from that office.
Guess who isn't getting a DIME of my money? If anything, that incompetent bastard owes ME money. I honestly don't have much else to say about this topic, other than fuck off Dr. G&D. All you have to do is piss me off once.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I will light my candle this Thursday, October 15th, for my three babies who have left a wound in my heart that will never be completely healed. My candle will burn for my babies and for your babies. I pray they are all being loved, rocked, cradled, comforted, and playing in Heaven until we meet them there.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
The first award of which I have been bestowed, is the "Over the Top" blog award. Yeah, I'm over the top. Over the top crazy. IF tends to do that to a woman!
I'm not good with following rules, but here is what I'm supposed to do:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have fun!
1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your hair? Blonde w/ gray I need to "erase"
3. Your mother? self-sacrificing
4. Your father? Dependable
5. Your favorite food? chips
6. Your dream last night? Mary
7. Your favorite drink? water
8. Your dream/goal? children
9. What room are you in? den
10. Your hobby? scrapbooking
11. Your fear? heights
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
13. Where were you last night? friends'
14. Something that you aren’t? thin
15. Muffins? banana-nut
16. Wish list item? baby
17. Where did you grow up? Dallas
18. Last thing you did? read
19. What are you wearing? pajamas
20. Your TV? FOOTBALL!
21. Your pets? four
22. Friends? many
23. Your life? busy
24. Your mood? tired
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? dirty
27. Something you’re not wearing? bra
28. Your favorite store? decor
29. Your favorite color? black
30. When was the last time you laughed? Friday
31. Last time you cried? Thursday
32. Your best friend? gone
33. One place that I go to over and over? school
34. One person who emails me regularly? Vicki
35. Favorite place to eat? out
I'm now regifting this award to a few of my fellow bloggers - the list is at the end of this post.
I also got the Kreativ Blogger Award. Yes, I know that kreativ is actually spelled creative, but please play along. Thanks, S!
What? More rules?
1) Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2) Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3) Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4) Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5) Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6) Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7) Leave a comment on each.
Seven Things that People May Not Know About Me:
1. My second toe is longer than my other toes. I get this from my father. Thanks for the lovely toes, Dad.
2. My eyelashes are transparent. I look as if I have no lashes unless I'm wearing mascara or have them dyed.
3. My parents called me names such as "Cheeri-O head" and "Bedspring Head" when I was little because my hair has always been so curly. Now I'm dying to have a child to whom I can do the same.
4. I never cared much for animals until I met my husband. I had my cat. I liked her. That was it. Now I can't imagine not having our four furbabies.
5. I am very sensitive and cry easily, but people at work & those who don't know me well don't realize that.
6. I have always, always, always envisioned myself as a mother. Since I was very young, I planned to have children and be a mommy. I never envisioned myself as an almost 42 year old childless woman. You probably already figured that one out, huh?
7. I am okay doing absolutely nothing. I can lay around in pajamas and watch TV all day without regretting it. My husband is not the same. Luckily, we accept one another for our differences.
These awards now go to: Bunches of Burches, The Happy Hours, No Swimmers, Tovah Thinks.
I know I'm supposed to pass it on to seven people, but I'm tired today and just feel like breaking the rules. :)
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
By noon I had called Dr. T's office. I was still bleeding, leaking, having some cramps, borrowing pads from the nurse's office, and passing small clots here and there. Again, WTH? I was able to get an appointment right after school, so I made yet another 20 mile trek from work to the doctor's office. On Friday. In traffic. Ugh. My appointment was with Dr. R Sr. for the second time in a few weeks. (Note: Nurse Excellent knows I won't see his stoopid son ever again, so I doubt I'll ever mention Young Dr. R again.)
I told Dr. R that I'm not having any pg symptoms at all. With my history, I know when I'm pregnant. So, bets are that I'm having a really, really bad, nasty, horrible AF. The betas that the vampire drew today will verify that for sure, but those results won't be in until later next week.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Apparently lefty - my bitchy oh-very ovary - decided to hold on to two cysts after my last cycle. We still have a 19mm and 13mm hanging on for dear life. No Femara this cycle. No IUI this cycle. No nothing.
Dr. T said that I won't get pg this cycle, so go ahead & try to get pg. Isn't that how it works? :) I return to the dildo cam on day 2 or 3 of my next cycle to see if the cysts are still there. They better not be! If everything looks good, we'll do Femara + trigger + IUI + whatever else we can before moving towards not being able to afford IVF.
Until then, we have hair highlighting, sushi, acupuncture, wine, hot dogs, tuna fish, mammogram, caffeine, deli meat, soft cheeses, flu vaccinations, soft serve ice cream, ibuprofen, and running with scissors.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Ya know, them big gunz usually be lotsa monies and all too. Better keep learnin' theees kidz my mad grammar an spellin' skillz. I be tryin' ta make lots moneys to pay fer sum babiez.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Beauty Brands is offering Redken's GUTS for 50% off retail through November 1st. (That's means it's only $7.98!) Best of all: 100% of your purchase goes to local domestic abuse shelters in your area.
I've used the Guts product before, and a very small amount can bring lots of volume to your hair without making it sticky or stiff. Try it out for yourself, or buy one for someone else just so you can help.
Click here for more information on how to help or how to get help. Way to go Beauty Brands for stepping up to help our communities!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I asked DH when he thought I should test. After I explained when I could/should test - because he has no clue and hasn't asked a damn thing about anything - he said I could start peeing on things. I asked him what things. His reply, "Whatever you want. It obviously doesn't matter to Mackey (our dog). He pees on everything & I can just yell 'Who peed on THIS?'"
On a totally different note: I love my dog. Stevie makes me smile, cry with joy, and warms my heart on a constant basis. If I feel jsut some of this with a baby I will be more than blessed, more than fulfilled, and absolutely insane with love.
I know I'm talking/rambling/blogging a lot today. I'm nervous and excited and hopeful and prepared for complete disappointment.
Yep, morning sickness. Didn't have much with my three pregnancies, so I'm ready to hurl like a champion.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
- uterus feels so heavy (like a weight is in it)
- boobs feel different, kinda sore but not really sore
- can't stand the smell of onions or Pippin's breath
- some light bloating
- can't stand having anything against my waist
- weird feelings of pressure, stretching & other stuff in the uterine area
- strangeness in my throat, not nausea or vomiting, but icky
Going to bed. I'd hate to add really cranky to this list.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Please keep our friends in your prayers. They have experienced the heartbreaking journey of IF, and finally have their two babies. Unfortunately, the past seven weeks have been extremely rough for Kelsey, her parents, and her big brother (Keeton, age 2½ ). The road ahead is difficult and dangerous. Patti is also dealing with some health issues that concern her as well.
Until then, thank you.
So, Saturday afternoon we decide to go with "Hospital M" (one of the hospitals which is closer to home) and plan on doing just the PDA surgery first, sometime this week. We've prayed about this decision and asked God to give us the wisdom to make the right decision and now we have to trust in Him to give us a peace about it. This has been one of the hardest decisions we have had to make. We don't know how this week will unfold but have to trust it's in God's hands. Kelsey will probably be moved to Hospital M (the new hospital) tomorrow (Monday morning). Then the heart surgeon and cardiologist will have to decide when her surgery will be for the PDA. Also, Hospital M has a pediatric hematologist that will also look at her and try to figure out what's going on with her blood ("Hospital P" where she's been didn't have ped. hematologist). We're also going to have a ped. liver doctor look at her because her liver is still too large and we have never gotten a good answer as to why. She will probably still be in the incubator and on IV fluids until they can get all this done.
Tuesday will be 7 weeks since she was born and we aren't much closer to getting her home. That's very discouraging to us but at the same time we are hopeful the change in hospitals, a new set of doctors looking at her and the surgery to close the PDA will make a BIG difference. We definitely need your prayers for Kelsey, both of us and big brother Keeton. It's been a long 7 weeks and we still have a long way to go.
Also, tomorrow I have my gallbladder function test at 11:30am. Pray we find the answers we need for me. Not the best timing for this gallbladder but God know how much we can handle and we are depending on Him more than ever for His strength, His peace and His hope to help us through all of this.
Thanks for your continued prayers and support!!!
Patti and Andy
Today's phantom symptoms listed with possible causes:
1. Woke up STARVING.............................didn't eat dinner last night, being a fat cow, pregnancy
2. Peed several times today......................drank plenty of water, old age, loss of bladder control, pregnancy
3. Irritable...............................................being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, tired & hungry, probably peed on myself, Femara s/e, pregnancy
4. Awful afternoon headache....................being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, Femara s/e, cold front coming in, just being a bitch in general, stress, need for chocolate, pregnancy
5. Skin breaking out...................................stress, hormones, wanting to be a teenager, pregnancy
6. Tired........................................................lack of sleep, being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, pregnancy
ETA: 7. Threw up in the back of my throat again............could be school cafeteria cheese nachos for lunch, pregnancy GROSS
Sunday, September 20, 2009
- I go from cold to sweating my ass off in a heartbeat. Probably the lingering effects of Femara.
- I kinda threw up in my mouth the other day.
- I'm farting like a champion.
- I have had major pangs of starvation (not hunger) out of the blue. I'm a fat girl. My stomach doesn't growl. :)
- Within an hour of eating, it feels like someone punched me in the diaphram (high up in the stomach).
- Some cramping and some tug-of-war feelings in female reproductive area.
- My nipples are a little tender and sensitive.
- Moodiness - but that's just me.
Anyone else want to share what other 5+dpiui symptoms you've had or that I can/should have?
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
After dropping off my ring & learning that I need a new iPod, I headed back to the ARTS Center to pick up DH's masterpiece. All washed and clean, I carried the styrofoam cup protecting the test-tube with pride. Goodness knows there wasn't anywhere in my purse to put it, and I sure as hell wasn't going to cruise around a huge hospital and parking lot with a big, white cup in between my tits.
I stood in line for the first time ever at Dr. T's office. With cup in hand. How sexy was I? Hhhmmm . . . wonder why I was there? :) When I asked the receptionist if she needed to send it back while I waited, you'd thought I'd offer her a sip of arsenic-laced tea. We both laughed. Kinda. I reviewed the lab report, trying to decipher it. All I noticed was low volume and low morphology due to lack of abstinence. Of course, I get concerned. While I'm waiting, I'm texting back & forth with my friend Sarah, who is my own doc on the side. (Well, she's not a doctor but she plays one in my IF life.) She seems less concerned than I am about numbers.
Nurse Amazing, who works for Dr. Terrific and with Nurse Excellent, escorts me back to take my blood pressure. Being that it was extremely high yesterday, she's telling me to relax and think good thoughts. She then begins taking deep breaths and says, "Think babies." I think BABY (singular!) but my bp is still high. That's what anxiety will do to you.
I am taken to an exam room - the same room where we saw our first and only fetal heartbeat so many months ago. I change into my pretty paper skirt and hop up on the table. Nurse A comes back in and asks how many IUIs we've had. I tell her that I've so many parties down there that I'm surprised I know the answer is zero. She laughs. Humor deflects nervousness for me, I suppose.
Dr. T comes in and tells me to assume the position. I don't even stare at the sign above me like I used to do. (I took the pic at the top of this post so you could experience my view.) Funny Dr. T has it hanging on the ceiling above all his exam tables. :) He looks at the numbers from the lab & says they look "GREAT!" The goal is to have 16 million motile sperm post-wash, and DH's proud soldiers numbered 38.9 mighty million! I was so proud of my husband and his workers.
As he preps the catheter, I ask Dr. T if he has any pep rally music or if Nurse Excellent could come in and do a cheer. (See again the above-mentioned humor deflecting nervousness.) We both thought I was funny, and Dr. T said that was a good idea. I then elevated my hips for about 15ish minutes, and he came in and said goodbye.
Feeling a little bit of disappointment for the lack of pomp & circumstance, I asked Dr. T where to go from here. I suppose he was a blond before he began to turn gray, my wonderful inseminator told me how to get to the exit of the office. Poor guy. Once I told him that I knew my way around his office fairly well, I was told to wait for a couple of weeks to see if AF shows. Yep, it was all that uneventful. However, as I was walking out, Dr. T said, "You know, you kind of have a glow to you." Nurse A agreed. "Maybe you're already pregnant!" he called out. I smiled and hoped that he was right.
DH called as I was leaving the parking lot, and I told him how wonderful he and his boys were today. I went and had some air added to my tires, got lunch, went home & ate. The cramping started soon after, so I had a nap. Now I'm just sitting on my ass with some cramping while wondering how I'm going to entertain myself over the 2ww.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Nurse E and I talked a few times today. I'm so desperate that I actually say the words "egg white cervical mucus" while on the phone. Out loud. In front of my fourth graders. Dear mercy, I hope they thought I was ordering breakfast.
In talking with Nurse E I learn that, of course, Dr. Terrific was gone for the afternoon. I told Nurse E that I refused to let Young Dr. R near my hooha again, for fear that he might repeatedly mistake a large artery for an ovary. Dumbass. But I digress . . . My two options - meet with Old Dr. R (stupid Young Dr. R's awesomely smart dad) and take an impromptu half day off to do it (teachers know how freaking difficult this is) OR let Nurse E and I did our own little sonogram. Guess what we did? :)
I teach about twenty miles from the doctor's office, but thanks to the traffic gods I made it there in, let's say, ummmmmm 20ish minutes. Thanks to an awesome colleague/friend, I left as my kids actually left the front door. I got there and, walking half-nekkid around the exam room, we girls got down to bidness. Before jumping on the fancy bed with lovely crocheted stirrups, I dropped four or five used OPKs on the counter and said, "This is why I'm losing my mind." Of course, they all had CD #s and times written on them with varying degrees of darkness of pink lines here & there. Nurse E MUST think I'm losing it, and I just proved it to her. So, standing there still half-nekkid in front of Nurse E and my crappy sticks, we determined that I might have surged yesterday. Maybe.
I hopped up on the fancy table while Nurse E fired up the dildo cam. She took some measurements and was awesomely good with it all, showing me stuff along the way. Just to confirm everything, "Old Dr. R" (Young Dr. R's dad) did a backup u/s. He saw the line of pink sticks
My instructions? Go home, have sex tonight, come back tomorrow for insemintation.
That's right. You heard it. IUI tomorrow!
Yep, I was just seeing if you were actually reading this blog. :)
I then drove another 20 miles back to school to write plans &
On the way there, I flitted through 5:00 traffic and listened to some Christian music which always calms and focuses me. The words that I heard soared through my heart. I went from freaking out to calm to crying to praying to hoping again. Yes, I said hoping.
For hope to stand, one must have faith. I have faith and now I'm holding on to hope. I know with hope there is also fear and disappointment, but I must focus on the hope and cling to my faith. When the fear overcomes me, I will pray. And I will pray the prayer I say every day, "Lord, bless us with a child that we can carry to term and deliver as a healthy angel of yours for us to raise on Earth for you." All of the prayers, good thoughts, love, and good vibes you can muster are requested and appreciated.
Lord, hear our prayers.
I will update you tomorrow as I can. I'm sure there will be much prayer with much comedy along the way. Thanks . . . . . . .
First BIG thing first: My friend Jenn is in Labor & Delivery right now! Please send your love and prayers her way. Jenn's water broke earlier (I got the call close to 5pm CDT) and her DH, Hal, took her to the hospital. Since Halle is a bit stubborn - like her mom, maybe? - she is breech and will be delivered via c-section at 9pm CDT. C'mon baby Halle! We can't wait to meet you! Love you Jenn!
Next BIG thing: Ohmygoodnessgracious! Big Brother's season finale is tonight!!! It's DVRing right now, so I don't have to waste any time with stupid commercials. I've watched every season of this wonderfully ridiculous show, and I'm excited about the finale! GO JORDAN! (or Kevin if not Jordan, but definitely not Natalie)
Another BIG thing tonight: Biggest Loser's season premiere! A local favorite is Abby Riker. Her story is heartbreaking. Her husband went to the same high school as I did, but he was (of course) much younger. I LOVE this show, and I'm rooting for the home girl! You can do it, Abby!
Oh, and another big thing: is coming tomorrow! You better stay tuned. I'm serious. You might like it and not want to miss out! In fact, if you check back soon, it might be tomorrow. This is cool enough to earn its own post.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I shall spend the next few days peeing and staring at lines and hoping and praying and repeating it.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Getting pg this cycle would be awesome for many reasons. The first, ultimately, is having a baby! This would be great timing since we'd have an early June due date. That would give us the summer vacation to have our baby and get used to being parents for a while without the stress of work. (I won't start worrying about child care quite yet.) There's of course the age thing. I am getting older, and 42 will come in March.
I do worry that if my body doesn't respond to Femara this round that it won't respond at all. Then what? IVF? Can't afford that. Ugh . . . no need to worry at this minute. Maybe in an hour. Think I'll eat a sandwich and take a nap instead.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Finished my 5th day of Femara today. Very few s/e other than a couple of days of headaches and being hot. Not hot flashes, but so hot that I have a hard time cooling off, sweat, and anything against my face (like a pillow) feels hot.
Tired from school, think I might be getting sick w/ sinus or cold stuff.
Other than that . . . meh.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Today is CD1, so you know what that means. Game on. I expect you to grow this month. The Femara you got last month is being doubled, so prepare yourselves - ALL of you. You WILL grow, you WILL mature, you WILL not run from the IUI catheter, you WILL fall in love with DH's sperm, and you WILL be fertilized. You WILL then become the baby we've been praying for the past few years, and the baby you become WILL stay put until next June.
Don't let me down this time, my follies. I am back in teacher mode, so I'm not kidding. Lack of growth, maturity, and seriousness will NOT be tolerated this month. Get it together - and now. Seriously.
The owner of the ovaries that will be hosting you.
PM to Kristi -- Sounds exciting and scary all at once. You can email me at kekis26 at gmail dot com if you like. :)
Monday, August 31, 2009
Some may find the video linked here difficult to watch for many reasons, but I think you'll find that Thomas is as precious of a baby as you can find. You can also read their first part of their story linked in the video window. The second part will be in next week's Dallas Morning News.
Just when we think our troubles are too much to bear, we find another person with more to bear than ourselves.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I went yesterday to get vampired. My favorite vampire man was there. It was like coming home since I hadn't seen him in over a year. Sad that you and your vampire are excited to see each other because you became so close in the past! :)
My P4 levels came back normal which (apparently) means I am ovulatory. That's nice. Now where's my baby?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I immediately asked Dr. T if he knew that he was grounded. "You do know you're on restriction, right? Did Nurse Excellent tell you? There will be no vacations or days off until I get pregnant, keep the baby, and you deliver it healthy at term." He quickly shot back that his vacation was hot, without a/c, and wasn't that great. When I replied "Ha! Good," he came back with, "You realize I have this in my hand, right?" Note to self: Don't upset the one in possession of large, scary dildo cam.
I learned that Young Dr. R is definitely not my friend. The right follie we saw that measured almost 16 wasn't even a damn follicle. It was the end of some major artery near the ovaries, but braniac idiot young man obviously thought differently. While a layperson (say, ME when I saw it) might have some difficult distinguishing between a follicle and gray area, I guess some people (ahem, certain doctors) might mistake the semi-dark, round, static-filled area as a follie on a sonogram. So . . . no follie at all on the right. Lefty had two follicles. One was a whopping 11 and the other even smaller.
And that's all.
There are three possibilities as of today. One, I had an annovulatory cycle. Two, the Femara didn't work. Three, I ovulated yesterday. We're doubtful on the latter because, had I already Od, there would be some fluid in my (yet again, lovely trilaminar thankyouverymuch) uterine cavity and there is not. So we shall try TI and see if that ever-elusive bfp happens (which I HIGHLY doubt it will), or increase the Femara to double what I took this cycle and try again. I'll have CD21ish labs drawn for P4, but Dr. T expects negative numbers as do I.
I'm surprisingly not disappointed or sad or crying or upset or whatever. I mean, I can't say that I'm happy and thrilled, but I'm not tragically sad. Maybe because I'm just so busy with the beginning of school and highly stressed (we won't talk about today's bp reading). Hearing the news from Dr. T was much more confirming and sensible to me. He didn't seem overly concerned but more matter-of-fact and try, try again. After all, Dr. T's the one who has told me that my body killed my 2nd baby, called with dropping betas, turned me into a silver-legged robot, took multiple party pics, hosted more than enough hoo ha parties, etc. As Rain Man would say, "Yeah. Dr. T is my main man. Yeah. K-Mart sucks and so does IF."
No more news than that. We'll see what next month holds!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
The next best thing to Dr. Terrific is Nurse Excellent! You know how I've said more than once (or a thousand times) that I have to listen to my gut instinct because it never steers me wrong? Well, I'm doing that.
I called Nurse E and left her a voice mail to call me. She's so excellent that she called me back after reviewing my chart from three hours ago and before leaving the office today. I told her my dilemma. Did I even share it with all of you? Okay . . .
I've been using the CBE Digitial OPKs. You know, the "OPKing for Dummies" ones with smiley faces so I don't have to question the lines. Well, I poas this morning and did not get a smiley face. When I pulled out the stick, there was a second line. (Insert my irrational, crazy thoughts that I could be pg here. Gawd, I'm insane.)
The short story (after giving poor Nurse E who I even called yesterday - the long story) is that since I haven't really gotten a + OPK and I should keep peeing until I do. Nurse E said that follies can grow about 2mm per day, which would put my presently crappy follies at maturity by Wednesday or Thursday. (ETA: I'm not sure of the three measurements I got, but I know one is 15.9. Nurse is calling that "16" for all intents & purposes. We are hoping it grows up to be a 20 in the next couple of days.) Once I get the smiley face positive, call the office, have Dr. T do another FMS (follice maturation scan), then IUI if they look good. Nurse Excellent agrees that we need to be aggressive here in this TTC thing. If not this cycle, then we up the meds (crap) next cycle and try again.
So . . . not all hope is lost . . . at least not yet. I still think I'm a freaking nutcase for even having hope in the first place. Nurse E and I came to conensus that Dr. T shall not take vacation from here on out until I am pg, throughout my (hopefully continual) pg, and until he delivers my baby. So there. Both Young Dr. R, Nurse E, and my IF pseudo doc Mrs. B told me to have wine tonight.
And that I shall do.
I had three good follicles between both ovaries, but they didn't measure up. Slackers. My lining was trilaminar (3-layered, looked great) but what the hell does that matter? Oooo, Mrs. Rambler . . . what lovely lining you have! Too bad your follies are a bunch of crap.
Dr. T was out today, so I got Young Dr. R. He was nice & all, but nobody compares to Dr. T. Plus the term "young" is relative. He's probably my age, maybe a few years older, but younger than the average experienced doc. Young Dr. R recommended TI and then up the Femara for next cycle and do IUI. Whatever.
I'm disappointed. Please don't tell me there is always next month or try to blow sunshine up my ass. I wanted THIS month because I know my fertility (or lack thereof) doesn't have many months left.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I am VERY bloated, crampy, nauseous, and still have the stabbing sensations on my bowling ball ovaries - mainly that bratty left one. Send your bigass follicle dust this way please! I hope the B.I. (big insemination!) is almost here.
Also, my Stevie-dog made it to Round 3 of the Cutest Dog Competition! He'd appreciate your vote by clicking on his cute face in the sidebar or clicking here. Don't forget that you can vote every day!!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
I'm imagining my ovaries having tons of follicles producing thousands of eggs. Only that could explain the stabbing sensations my ovaries are giving me right now. Still no :) on the OPK, but my dream last night said I'm ready AND I'm winning a car!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
A FIRST: I assume these exploding bowling balls in my very lowest abdomen are my oh very, "oh varies." Geez, Louise! If said bowling balls aren't exploding, they are being thrown around, polished, jackhammered, and before being detonated. The crampiness has me running to the bathroom a lot thinking I need to go, and I don't. Craziness.
A FIRST: My cousin & friend, Laurie, who runs the Frat House has a simple request for me and Dr. T. She wants party pics from my follie scan. Her nightly dreams of my my
A FIRST: I've been poas or piac for OPKs. Been out of bed at 7am three days in a row (and I'm TIRED!). My VERY first OPK experience was interesting. I pulled it out of the box thinking it was just like poas - hpt, and I desperately held that FMU without bursting. That's when I figured it out this would be a bit complicated. My potty dance ensued. Then I dropped the OPK thingy and it broke apart on the floor. Trying not to drown the bathroom floor and cry in grief, I picked it up and popped it back together. WHEW! I couldn't get too happy because I.really.needed.to.pee. I figured it all out pretty quickly, piac, put in the opk stick, and got a blank circle. Well, at least I rehearsed for next time.
Now, prepare to meet your green-eyed jealousy monster:
A FIRST: Best of all . . . Katie & Maria are here! Be jealous - go ahead!!! They aren't staying at my house (probably because the thought of my constant rambling scares them), but I finally met them IN PERSON yesterday. We met at the Dallas World Aquarium and had such a great time. Luckily, I had my niece (Aeva, 6) and nephew (Will, 2) with me (having both of them was A FIRST). The kids provided a nice distraction so I didn't break down crying when I met and hugged my friends for the very first time. I also finally got to meet Patty, (Katie's mom), EJ (Maria's cutiepie that I'm going to babynap), and Linda (Maria's mom). Love every single one of them.
It was such a cool moment when I actually looked the eyes of Katie and Maria for the first time. It wasn't that I was meeting strangers. It was seeing old friends again. I obviously can't explain it very well. I did, however, tell Katie last night how I hoped that I didn't come across as off-standish. I really felt like I was hanging out with old friends, and I was so comfortable with them. Good thing since I was sweating like a whore in church walking through the aquarium's rainforest! Our time together didn't include a lot of conversation since I was chasing Aeva & Will and they were also busy helping me wrangle them. It was wonderful, nonetheless. Wish I could put it into words better than this. A FIRST: the Rambler not coming up with words!
Here are a few photos that I took on my crappy, white-trash, rubber-banded, crappy, half-broken, point & shoot camera. (Can you tell I want a digital SLR?!) I'll share good pics Katie took with her fancy-schmancy camera later.
Tomorrow, the whole gang is coming by to pick me up for our day of fun. Mindy, Mackey, Pippin & Steve are looking forward to meeting Harley & Jersey's mom and Jimmy's mom (A FIRST). We're going all touristy and going to Southfork Ranch (A FIRST) and a Texas-style lunch at Love & War in Texas before Mr. Rambler and I head to Patty's for a pool party tomorrow night. Katie's making her famous cupcakes and I can't wait to finally try
So . . . between my oh very bowling ball oh-varies, needing follie party pics for Laurie, doing the OPKs, finally meeting Katie & Maria (love love love), having Aeva & Will for the first time ever, and not having much sleep lately . . . it's been an wonderful and interesting week of FIRSTS!
I'll keep you posted for that glorious day that I see the :) on my opk & go for the follie scan. Breathe. Breathe again. Don't forget to breathe.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
One more day to swallow $5 and peeing on sticks worth over $5 to come. I know my Femara diary isn't very exciting, but so goes my life today.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Day 0 - get Rx filled at $25 for 5 pills - that's WITH insurance, quit drinking alcohol, taught my hair lady (who takes Femara for breast cancer) why she needed bc shots while on her drugs
Day 1 - such a tiny little pill, that thing was $5?, careful not to drop it down the sink, little pill actually gets stuck in my throat, cough it out and take it again, this better pack a BIG punch, no s/e so far . . . I have deep lines in my palm, huh? (Can anyone read my palm & see a baby/babies?)
Day 2 - little cold sweats while grocery shopping, emotional & crying just because, feeling clingy, cuddle w/ Steve since DH won't snuggle with me all day long, DH sighs & shakes his head, finally cuddles with me at bedtime, I cry some more, dry off DH's shoulder & chest, go to sleep
Day 3 - TIRED, slept 9 hours, woke up, wanted nap an hour later, got nails done (not that it has to do w/ Femara but I did), took early evening nap, still exhausted, gassy, feeling the ovaries, learned DH is NOT a girl. While some can keep up with my daily activities (shout out again NoVa!), DH doesn't even remember that I'm taking meds and when. Checked s/e of medication & it said "tiredness." I believe it.
Days 4 & 5 - coming! If it continues like this, nnoooo problem! DH going out of town tomorrow. Luckily it's not because of me. At least that's what he says. :) I get to start peeing on sticks (opks) in one week. This better work . . .