Going Out with A Bang

This post is not for the faint of heart or sensitive of ears.

In true "I'm a bitchy, bum ute" fashion, she's going out with a bang.  True vengeance as if she knows her fate next week.  My final period.  Ever.  And it's a mutherfucker.

At the risk of grossing out half the world (ha! like I've ever cared), here's my rendition of why I don't want to do this I'm not doing this anymore:
My periods have become ridiculous.  I am known for having a high tolerance of pain (even on pain meds & anesthesia), but the cramps now double me over at the drop of a hat.  Two hours is all it takes to flood a super-plus tampon, pantiliner, panties, and a pair of jeans while leaving prints of where I sit.  The clots are disgusting.  The GI issues (nausea, lack of appetite, increase of appetite, increased urination, diarrhea, and even hemorrhoids) are stupid too.  And did I tell you that this is my THIRD period like this in SIX WEEKS?  Yeah.  Stupid, I tell ya.

Get this mean, bloody bitch out of me.  Now.

I'm a goner.

It's That Time

My daily headache has begun.  About 5 hours after my Lupron injection, I get a dull headache that lasts a couple of hours.  Tylenol, water, and a nap . . . here I come.

Other than that, I am feeling fine.  I know that will change eventually, so I'm enjoying the asymptomatic time I have right now.  :)

7dpiui

And I'm bored. I can tell the trigger is out of my system because I'm feeling unpregnant now. I've eaten an entire pineapple (core & all) in three days. Pork, other meats, and alcohol don't gross me out. No super smell. No sore boobs. Nothing. I'm simply bored with it all now.

Luckily we've had beautiful, record snows here in the Big D, so I've been able to entertain myself making snow angels and taking snow pics. Unfortunately, the snow will thaw and I still won't be pregnant. Hmph.

Guess it's time for more hot dogs, sushi, red wine, and soft cheeses.

I've Been Given Permission

to "pee on things." When I told DH that I'm not feeling so great (explained the watermelon/rubber band ute and heavy boobs), he told me to not "get excited and cross your fingers." Damn naysayer.

I asked DH when he thought I should test. After I explained when I could/should test - because he has no clue and hasn't asked a damn thing about anything - he said I could start peeing on things. I asked him what things. His reply, "Whatever you want. It obviously doesn't matter to Mackey (our dog). He pees on everything & I can just yell 'Who peed on THIS?'"

On a totally different note: I love my dog. Stevie makes me smile, cry with joy, and warms my heart on a constant basis. If I feel jsut some of this with a baby I will be more than blessed, more than fulfilled, and absolutely insane with love.

I know I'm talking/rambling/blogging a lot today. I'm nervous and excited and hopeful and prepared for complete disappointment.

Phantom Symptom Update

Today I'm 8dpiui and thinking *maybe* there are some more phantom symptoms.

* My boobs are aching just a tad.

* My uterus feels like it's filled with a huge watermelon & hanging by rubber bands inside my lower abdomen.

* Today I was a cranky bitch. And I mean cranky. (If my lil' banana bread, singer friend in Nashville is reading this, ask your mom. She'll confirm. Oh, and I miss you!) Somebody at school spoke to me cross and I wasn't in the mood.

* Some smells are a bit stronger to me, but not like pregnant bloodhound nose smells yet.

* I'm craving Sprite. Had it twice in the past 3 days & it sounds good again. I'm a DP drinker when I do enjoy my one per day.

* There might be some additional saliva in my mouth, but I've been craving Sprite and just ate some candy. ;)

* Very light, dull headache - but that's not uncommon.

* Tired - but not pg like beatdown dead tired.

* I'd also like to claim pg brain, but I think I just need some sleep. That and I'm an idiot sometimes.

There ya have it. The next big decision is when to test. If the evil, red-headed slut is coming, AF will be here on Tuesday. However, I have some drinking plans tonight, tomorrow & maybe Saturday. Yeah, I'm a loser. Really though . . . I just don't want to see any more sticks that are as stark white as my nekkid ass.

Other than a BFP (and a heartbeat, etc.), what do I want next? THIS:

Yep, morning sickness. Didn't have much with my three pregnancies, so I'm ready to hurl like a champion.

Oh, and since I tend to ramble, I'm getting sick & tired of people saying, "What if this doesn't work? What's next?" I want to respond, "Why don't you just STFU?" Thinking about it now makes me wanna go get cranky again.

Before I Go to Sleep

I must update you all. I mean, God forbid I get sleep without updating you all with my phantom symptoms.

Today's P.S.:
- uterus feels so heavy (like a weight is in it)
- thirsty
- boobs feel different, kinda sore but not really sore
- can't stand the smell of onions or Pippin's breath
- tired
- some light bloating
- can't stand having anything against my waist
- weird feelings of pressure, stretching & other stuff in the uterine area
- strangeness in my throat, not nausea or vomiting, but icky

Going to bed. I'd hate to add really cranky to this list.

Back by Popular Demand

Or should I say "Back Because Some of You People are Nosy?" or "Back Because I Have No Humility & Share It All?" :)

Today's phantom symptoms listed with possible causes:

Symptom.....................................................Possible Cause(s)

1. Woke up STARVING.............................didn't eat dinner last night, being a fat cow, pregnancy

2. Peed several times today......................drank plenty of water, old age, loss of bladder control, pregnancy

3. Irritable...............................................being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, tired & hungry, probably peed on myself, Femara s/e, pregnancy

4. Awful afternoon headache....................being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, Femara s/e, cold front coming in, just being a bitch in general, stress, need for chocolate, pregnancy

5. Skin breaking out...................................stress, hormones, wanting to be a teenager, pregnancy

6. Tired........................................................lack of sleep, being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, pregnancy

ETA: 7. Threw up in the back of my throat again............could be school cafeteria cheese nachos for lunch, pregnancy GROSS

Phantom Symptom Watch

I'm a whole 4dpiui (that's 4 days past IUI for those who don't want to search for the meaning). It's time for the monthly Phantom Symptom Watch! I've already googled 4dpiui + symptoms and 5dpiui + symptoms, but that doesn't help much.

Here's what I got for ya so far:

• I go from cold to sweating my ass off in a heartbeat. Probably the lingering effects of Femara.
• I kinda threw up in my mouth the other day.
• I'm farting like a champion.
• I have had major pangs of starvation (not hunger) out of the blue. I'm a fat girl. My stomach doesn't growl. :)
• Within an hour of eating, it feels like someone punched me in the diaphram (high up in the stomach).
• Some cramping and some tug-of-war feelings in female reproductive area.
• My nipples are a little tender and sensitive.
• Moodiness - but that's just me.

P4 check on Tuesday (day 21), but that's not going to tell me anything. I'm sure by next weekend I'll be searching for sticks in the backyard and peeing on other things around theh ouse. Now that I have officially proven yet again that I'm insane, I hope that Newtlet & Maria are happy now. (And note, V, that I'm still sleeping with the freaking mermaid.)

Anyone else want to share what other 5+dpiui symptoms you've had or that I can/should have?

Here we go . . .

2dpiui and I'm already fabricating symptoms. Yes, two whole days. P4 check next week, so that'll give me something to (kind of) focus on for a few days. Maybe.

This is going to be a LONG 2ww!

One Year Ago Today

Our 3rd loss - a c/p - began a year ago today. I began spotting and just knew. Just the day before, I was nauseous and (while trying to hide the pg) eating crackers and drinking Sprite all morning. My friend Laurie was thankfully in town and thankfully figured it out. (She's just smart like that - ha!)

The next day when I woke up to spotting, it's like she knew by looking at my face. That afternoon, Laurie literally placed her hands on my stomach and prayed for DH, our baby, and me. Her praying over me was such an amazing experience. I just cried as she prayed. Unfortnately, God had other plans for our little angel. Guess He needed a third to help mediate fights between our other two angels. :)

As of today (for the most part), I haven't been pregnant for a year. It's just crazy to think that we went from 3 pgs in one year to NOTHING. If we don't get pg this cycle, it will mean that we will have been dealing with pg/RPL/IF within FOUR calendar years before we hopefully have a baby in our arms. Ridiculous.

Other than that, I told DH today that we are on "phantom symptom watch." I only gave that up because he caught me grabbing my tits. HAha! (Note: still no sticks in the house.)

It must be HER

I am SO irritable today. Anything, everything, anyone and everyone are on my nerves. Luckily for everyone but DH, I haven't gone anywhere. I have a killer headache & want to be left alone. I'm thinking going to bed at 4:30pm sounds better & better the more I think of it.

If it's irritability today, it'll be crying tomrrow. Ugh. Must be PMS.

This Body's Going to the Junkyard

Not that I was really holding out a lot of hope for a BFP this cycle . . . but I was holding out hope. My cruel body was giving me all sorts of phantom pg symptoms -- killer boobs, falling asleep on the couch right after work, slight twinges of nausea, heartburn, good temps, pretty implantation dip, cramping, and more.

This morning my temped dropped. It's still above coverline, but we all know the drill. Slight spotting, but I usually spot anywhere from 2-4 days before that wicked, red-headed slut darkens my door.

Obviously, trying to sell or trade-in this body won't get me anywhere. Therefore, this body's going to the junkyard. Just throw it in the city dump. Instead, I'm going to upgrade to a young, thin, fertile, body with long hair and clear skin.

Luckily tonight we have plans with friends. I shall drink a crapload of beer, eat some nitrate-filled bratwurst, hang out in our friends' hot tub until I look pickled, quit my job, apply for welfare, and maybe take a couple of hits of heroin for good measure. Now THAT will get me pregnant!!!

She's almost baaaaccckkkkkkk

AF that is. According to the qtip test I did tonight (after piac just in case I needed to poas), she'll be here tomorrow or so. Today is CD31, so she's late to her own party. My skin has actually cleared up a bit, and I don't know why. (My skin is a freaking hormonal disaster as it is.) I also needed chocolate earlier - a definite sign. How else do I know that nasty red-headed slut is showing up soon?

CRAMPS.
Death-style cramps.
I'm talking holyhell cramps, people.

There has to be someone or something inside of me that is trying to split my pelvis in half, twist my uterus, tubes & ovaries in some kind of a roller-coasterish disaster, and just plain kill me. They're the kind of cramps that you have in the beginning of a miscarriage. Where are my pain pills, by the way?

So as soon as her ugly head rears in the next 24-48 hours, I'll call Dr. G&D to schedule my HSG. Won't that be fun?

Then I'll likely start injectibles (if I can get my hands on some donated Follistim) with the potential to become a hormonal, freaking disaster.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas . . .

My Morning, My Day, My Experiment

I LOVE sleeping in, all cuddled up in bed. It's my week off, so I've been looking forward to this for weeks now. I thought if I stayed up late last night that I'd sleep in this morning. Uh, no. That didn't happen. So now, with less than 5 hours of sleep, I have my day ahead of me.

So far, I have:

• Practice peed (BFN of course, so no more for me.)
• Grabbed my nipples (Remember my last nipple post? Same deal.) OUCH!
• Hugged Todd goodbye (Poor guy has to work!)
• Read some blogs
• Got poor, crazy Mackey to quit howling like he's being murdered.
• Snuggled with my baby dog, Steve. Not for long though - he's gassy again today. (WTH has he been eating??)
• Said good morning to my cat, Mindy, as she walked in & out of the bedroom.
• Thought about what shopping I'd like to do today.
• Stayed in bed
• Thought about Thanksgiving cooking that needs to be done.
• Pet my girlfriend dog, Pippin, since she's finally awake.
• Grumbled about the fact that I need to make an appt. for my annual. Have enough people not been in my hooha lately? ggrrr
• Remembered that I also need to make a mammogram appointment. Not right now. Not with these nipples.
• Worried about finances, remembered I need to pay my bills
• Made a to do list in my head
• Thought of the foods I'd like to eat for breakfast, but I'm too lazy to get out of bed to eat them.
• Checked the clock to see if it was around 11:00. I want a tuna fish sandwich, but I can't rationalize eating tuna during breakfasting hours.
• Checked the exact time for my post-op appointment with Dr. G&D (the RE) this afternoon. I don't know what to ask or say or do. Guess he'll have to be in charge of this meeting. Hope he doesn't want to do any checking out of anything because I ain't shavin' nothin'.

Speaking of shaving, did I tell you I'm conducting an experiment? Yes, I am. (I know this is rambling, thus the blog title.) To let you know upfront, I LOVE my Epilady. What is an Epilady you ask? It is a wonderful electronic device donning spinning coils that rips the hair out of your legs from the root. Some would consider it a torture device, but it's really not that bad.

Anyway, to my experiment . . . I recently Epiladied my right leg and shaved my left. Honestly, I ran out of time trying to Epilady, so I decided it would be a good time for an experiment. The right left is still fairly smooth, but the left leg is awfully hairy now. Time to break the Epilady out for BOTH legs. But, not today. (Time to refer back to the disclosure regarding my post-op appoinment!)

I guess it's time to figure out what I else I don't want to do today . . . . . . OOoooo! The Price is Right is on! :)

Nipples of Glass

I'm sure this is TMI, but I don't care. This is my blog, so I'll post what I want! :)

My nipples feel like shards of glass. I swear that they are going to break off if the wind blows. Just my shirt rubbing against them is a killer.

Let the phantom symptoms begin!!!!