I Missed It

Can't believe I missed the first anniversary of the ripping out of my bum ute and all its crappy accessories!  My complete hysterectomy was on January 17, 2012 - a year and a week ago - and boy has it been nice not having AF.  Knowing that I won't ever see her ugly head rear again is quite wonderful.

And even better?  I didn't need any of those parts to become a Mommy thanks to the beautiful gift of adoption.

The Gall of it All

Well, as you know, my gall bladder had to be ripped out of my already sore body. It took several days post-op to feel human again. After about a week, I was able to lean on my right side when sitting against pillows, have a little more energy, and do some things for myself.

I am now sporting three new incision marks in addition to a totally racked belly button.  Two incisions are on my right side towards the outer edge of my ribs and the other is a larger incision near the bottom of my sternum.  Here's what the ugly gall bladder looked like before being cut out, clamped off, and sucked out of my body.

My actual surgery was scheduled for 10:30 and I don't think they took me into the OR until around 2:30. Made for a very long day getting only IV fluids for food! I was told that when I went into recovery, my blood pressure was all over the place and I was not happy. I do remember being in pain and tears at one point.

Finally got into my room later that evening and relied heavily on the pain pump that delivered Dilaudid to me throughout the night. Man, that is some crazy stuff. I was so doped up that I don't remember a lot of stuff other than pushing that pump button every thirty minutes.  In the night, I would wake up thinking I missed my thirty minute "push" only to realize that I had been asleep for only ten minutes.  I was becoming a junkie!  And with my uterus gone, I couldn't even become a corner cra.ckwh.ore and get pregnant! :)

Any time I needed to go to the bathroom, I had to call the nurse because I was attached to leg compression cuffs, the blood pressure cuff, a pulse oximeter, my IV, and nasal canula for oxygen.  With all of the fluid being pumped into my body, it was quite a show to undo everything enough to get me to the bathroom every couple of hours.  My nurse and the nurse aide were both from Nigeria, so between their thick accents and my new drug addiction, I couldn't understand shit of what was being said half the time.

They almost kept me a second day because my bp was so low, my oxygen was below 90, I was having some bleeding/oozing from my wounds, and I had a fever. I was finally sprung anyway and got home late Thursday afternoon/evening to get settled in for another week or more of sitting on my ass watching crappy TV.

I'm still working to learn what my body can and cannot handle with food. The soreness is slowly subsiding but I have to continue to be careful. My belly button is suffering the most, but I won't get into it all because it's kinda gross. Let's just say it's still requires bandaging. I can say that this surgery was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I think after my hysterectomy that my body was just spent and still sore. I've decided: No more surgery for me. I'm done with it!

Now . . . where's my baby????????????

My Favorite New Question

Q:  "What is the date of your last menstrual cycle?"

A:  Huh????  :)

Had my gall bladder out.  Will blog about that fun later.

Repeat Repeat Repeat

Scans are back.  Must have my gall bladder removed asap.

FML.

Friday's Scans

Went on Friday for my pelvic, abdominal, and transvag u/s & I don't know anything yet.  I do know that I'm still having definite pain on my right side - mainly on the right-hand side of my ribs.  The sonographer spent a lot of time capturing views of my liver and gall bladder.  She pressed on one spot and it did NOT feel good.  Of course, as a worrier, I then began to silently freak that I had spots of cancer on my liver, that I have liver cancer, that I am going to die, that my husband will become a widower, my dogs won't have their Mom, and that we will never be able to adopt a baby if I'm dead.  It was all I could do not to cry.  Finally, I got myself in check as she finished the sonos.  I'm still a bit worried, though.

Though I told her I could probably do it myself, I didn't look during the transvaginal u/s because I've become so accustomed to seeing the dark, desolate inside of my uterus that I was worried I might freak that there wasn't even a uterus to see (much less ever a baby).  Just for affirmation and self-entertainment, I asked the sonographer if there were any reproductive parts left in there to which she quickly answered, "Nope!"  No lady parts, just something that is still causing me pain.  What next???

After explaining to my mom the details of my scans, she said, "Well you may need your gall bladder out."  I swear if they have to go inside of me again, I'll have them gut me.  I have neither the time nor the desire to be stabbed or cut again.  No thank you.  I'm really looking forward to this blog becoming a "HEY look at my cute new baby!" blog vs. "HEY it's me again . . . still bitching, whining, moaning, and complaining."

Someday, my friends . . . . . . . someday.

Not him!

After speaking with Nurse Amazing today, I went to see Dr. Terrific about the pain I'm still experiencing post-op.  We aren't sure what is causing the pain so after commenting, "You just always have to be the complicated one," (or something like that), Dr. T wrote orders for me to have abdominal and pelvic u/s tomorrow.  There's even a possibility that I'll have to hang out with the dildo cam again.  Not him again!  I thought I was done with the vag cam.

I just want the pain gone, so I'll meet with whatever instrument/implement necessary.

Dear Dr. T

In case you are reading this tonight from your fancy iPad, I am standing by my previous response in relation to missing my parts with a resounding "NO!!"  However, the sword fight that occurred on my right side is still killing me.  Be excited, because I'll be calling you tomorrow.

Sincerely,
The One Still in Pain  :/

Itchy-Scratchy

My stomach is itching like crazy!!!  And not just my incision sites which are covered in dermabond/glue anyway.   The areas around my incisions, the bruises, my bikini line where they shaved me more than I had shave & even the parts of my stomach that I haven't been able to feel since my surgery.

I feel like my pup, Steve, when he rolls on his back waiting for belly scratches.  Goodness knows he owes me scratches, but he'd probably severely injure me!

Other than itching, I'm slowly recovering.  Luckily a lot of my bloating is gone.  I'm still sore & even sore in places I wasn't before.  Bending is still a challenge and I can still easily overdo it if I move around much.  I started hormones the day after surgery and I suppose they are working.

My post-op with Dr. T is tomorrow, so maybe he'll have some insight as to why I've got the itches and explain what I'm seeing when I look at the nasty pics of the guts known as my former reproductive system.

ps - Don't look up "itchy" images on the interwebz.  SO GROSS.

Bequeathing

From the looks of what I cleaned out of the bathroom cabinet today, one would surmise that (1) I'm a hoarder of all things feminine product-related, (2) I was preparing for the AF Armageddon, or (3) both.  The correct answer is probably #3!  I will admit to throwing away two packs of applicators and three chucks.  I did keep one new box of pantiliners because, hey, I DO have a cervix ya know.

It is time for me to bequeath the multiple boxes of pads, pantiliners, tampons, OPKs, and HPTs.  I am going to offer my maid the sanitary product stuff.  She just had yet another baby and can probably use it or give it to other needy women.  The OPKs and HPTs are going to my friend, Jenn.  Damn.  I really should auction all of it off and make some money.  Ha!!!

As for my recovery, it's slow.  I'm feeling okay but still very sore and weak.  Doesn't take much to slow me down.  It's a bit frustrating but I'll survive.  Still kinda weird to think about it . . . I don't have a uterus.  No ovaries.  No tubes.  I had my entire reproductive system ripped out.  Don't worry, though.  I'm still checking tp like something is actually going to be there!

Three Days Later and . . .

It's only been three days since my hysterectomy and I'm bored.  I overdid it on Tuesday (day of surgery) and Wednesday.  Wednesday night I hit a wall and DH was not happy about it.  I ended up in tears and pain.  I rested more yesterday and had a fever before going to bed.  I rested more today and my incision sites were oozing (gross).   I'm feeling okay other than the huge bloating and the fact I can't bend, stretch, reach or move quickly.  When I sleep, I sleep HARD.  I'd love to take a pain pill and go to sleep right now, but I think I've already built up a tolerance to one of my meds.    Gotta wait another 90 minutes before I take the next one.

Thankfully I've had family and friends come visit me and bring food and call and send cards and email, but I'm bored when nobody is here.  FB and TB and Pinterest can only entertain me for so long.

Now, if I didn't *have* to sit around doing nothing, I'd love it of course.  I'm not physically able/ready to go back to work on Monday, so I will rest according to DH's orders and see how it goes next week.  I'm RRREEEALLLLYYYY wanting to buy baby stuff while I'm sitting around.  Sounds like a bad joke, huh?  "So, there was this girl who had no uterus who was shopping online for baby stuff . . . "

Just wanted to ramble and that I did.  More to come I'm sure.  Off to find more crappy TV.

Post-Hysterectomy Fashion

Thank goodness nothing was saved, so I don't have to make fashion decisions.  I'm good with my new jammies.

There is some funny stuff out there, folks.  Funny stuff!

"Big, Ugly Uterus"

"Big, Ugly Uterus.  You did great, sweet girl."  That's all I remember Dr. T saying to me in recovery.

After a yucky night after questionable late-afternoon sushi, DH and I woke up EARLY and showed up at the hospital way before the butt-crack of dawn.  I was ready - physically, mentally, and emotionally.  After checking in with the front desk, I literally, financially, and figuratively signed my life away.  Lots of adverbs here.  Guess it was a adverbial kind of day.

Not long after arriving, I was taken into pre-op.  The highlight of my day?  PIAC.  Seriously??!?  A pregnancy test?!  Thank you for having the infertile pee one last proverbial pee before ripping out all possibilities of reproduction.  Don't think I wouldn't bring it up with Dr. T!  I had to shake my head, laugh, and give her enough drops to dip the stick.  The nurse was on her own for that one!

I confirmed that I am who I am and have a birthday that I have.  Confirmed I was having a complete laparoscopic supracervical hysterectomy which would be done through two abdominal incisions and one in through navel.  (here's a video of the surgery)  The surgery removed my uterus, tubes, and ovaries while leaving my cervix intact.  I stripped down and changed into the awesome Bair Paws gown that hooks up to a reverse vacuum tube which blows warm or cool air into my gown.  I LOVE that thing!  It also comes with cute matching socks.  It's the little things, huh?  Compression instruments were placed on my legs, so I got a little calf massage before we began.  IV was placed.  They asked about previous surgeries, medications, made sure I didn't have anything removable in my body, and everything else.  At that time, I was wishing I would've worn a sandwich board portraying my Rain Man Serious Injury List.  While I waited, I flipped through a PBK catalog DH gave me and commented how I liked some of their stuff and how it was overpriced.  Made some nursery notes though because I really like their floor rugs.  How cool is it that I can have a hysterectomy and baby shop in the same day?  Adoption rocks.  :)

Dr. T came into pre-op and we went over random surgery stuff. (Yes, I mentioned the piac.  Protocol.  Whatever.)  The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the good stuff.  Then into the OR.  I was a tad loopy but looked around, seeing the large instruments that would be jabbed into my body.  Dr. T & the drug man were talking, the nurses were talking.  Soon after the drug man (always my favorite dude of the day) placed a mask on my face and told me by the fourth breath I'd be asleep.  And I was.  However, I do remember at some point before fading away that Dr. T was standing to my side, one hand on my shoulder and one near my hip maybe.  I truly think he was praying over me.  While I plan to ask him about it, and whether it happened or not, it gave me comfort and I'm thankful for it.

A couple of hours later, Dr. T met with DH.  He explained things and provided party pics.  Wanna see 'em?  They're sssoooooo gross!  My mom, the nurse, saw them and said, "That is not what those things are supposed to look like!"   No shit since that's what they felt like!  I recovered in post-op fairly well and fairly quickly, DH bringing me home by about 3:00pm yesterday.  I am VERY sore, VERY bloated, and VERY dry.  My "stab" wounds from the laparascopic portion of the surgery are icky and extremely bruised.  I truly feel like I've been in a knife fight.  Not sure if I won or lost but pills and a fairly new nasal spray for pain are helping some.

Dr. T called late yesterday afternoon & I missed his call.  Since he's so awesome, he told me to call him back on his cell and we were able to catch up.  My uterus was twice the size it should have been.  The adenomyosis and fibroids were severe enough that my uterus was basically unable to drain itself, causing the terrible periods of late.  My left ovary was embedded into my left pelvic wall and had some endo surrounding it.  Tubes looked fine, but what good were they when everything else was crap?

Now I recover.  I took the week off work and made sub plans for next week if I need them.  Last night brought visits from my sister, niece, and Mom; there is babysitting from my sister today; and so far lots of calls from other family and friends.  I feel like I'm in a good place.  IF didn't really beat me because I tore it out of the battle before it had the chance.  DH and I are going to be parents.  And THAT is what matters!

Thanks for being here for the ride.  Your comments, emails, prayers, thoughts, and rain dances mean so much to me.  Yes, I write for me but hearing from you makes it even more worthwhile.  No telling what the life will bring from here.  This blog will continue - whether you like it or not.  ;)  It gives me an outlet for my thoughts and feelings while keeping people in the loop of my world.  Guess I need a new blog look though.  I may work on it some this week or find someone who'd like to do it for free.  My focus will continue to help others in the battle of MC/RPL/IF while soon sharing my future family with you.  Yes, I will ramble on . . . and on . . . and on . . .

Until then, more pain drugs and a new laugh for DH (and yes I see the typo):

Word from the Wise

The day before major surgery, it is best not to try a new sushi place.

I have spoken.  Blech.

The Impossible

For the past several years, I've driven by the Destination Maternity store along the highway that takes me to and from work each day and thought, "I can't wait to walk in there and buy a cute maternity outfit for myself."  Through time it became more painful to drive by that store, yet I still kept that hope of buying that one overpriced maternity outfit for when my time came.

Well, Thursday's drive by caused a small break in the dam.  A chink appeared in my armor.  I literally looked over to see the store that's awaited me all this time . . . and began sobbing.  It only lasted a minute or so but it finally hit me with a finality that I've never quite felt until now.  I will NEVER be pregnant.  I will NEVER have a baby bump.  I will NEVER wear maternity clothes.  I will NEVER carry a baby.  I will NEVER feel a baby kick inside of me.  Nor will I have to announce to DH that I've gone into labor nor deliver a baby nor see the look on DH's face when our baby comes out of my body - not any of it.  It will be completely and totally impossible after Tuesday morning.  There is no miracle to be had.

(::insert the true insanity of this::  I know it wasn't possible for any of that to happen anyway, but as a female you always hang on to some strange, idiotic thread of hope that miracle might somehow come your way.)

I'm still crying some tears about that fact.  Call it hormones, exhaustion, stress, fear or a combination of it all (which it is), but I think I'm experiencing that final stage of grief.  I'm going through it and feeling it because I know it needs to happen.  I've learned on this path that it makes it worse for me to stuff all of the feelings until I explode.  Man, it feels weird.  I've been fighting this battle for what feels like so long.

That battle has ended.  It's finished.  It is truly over, even though I didn't get to win.  And I hate losing.

5 Days to Go

We're in the final countdown.  Got vampired today because ???? (Dr. T said).

Ready.
Nervous.
Want the house clean.
Don't want pain.
Want pain meds.
Worried.
Interested.
Wondering how long I'll be down.
Trying to prepare.
Finishing sub plans.
Thinking.

It's just weird.  All women are created by God to bear children.  I've never done that.  I never will (especially after Tuesday).  It's not that I even can create and carry and bear a child (stupid body), but it just feels kinda strange.  Hope and pray that a selfless woman will at least give me the opportunity to be a Mom.

Going Out with A Bang

This post is not for the faint of heart or sensitive of ears.

In true "I'm a bitchy, bum ute" fashion, she's going out with a bang.  True vengeance as if she knows her fate next week.  My final period.  Ever.  And it's a mutherfucker.

At the risk of grossing out half the world (ha! like I've ever cared), here's my rendition of why I don't want to do this I'm not doing this anymore:
My periods have become ridiculous.  I am known for having a high tolerance of pain (even on pain meds & anesthesia), but the cramps now double me over at the drop of a hat.  Two hours is all it takes to flood a super-plus tampon, pantiliner, panties, and a pair of jeans while leaving prints of where I sit.  The clots are disgusting.  The GI issues (nausea, lack of appetite, increase of appetite, increased urination, diarrhea, and even hemorrhoids) are stupid too.  And did I tell you that this is my THIRD period like this in SIX WEEKS?  Yeah.  Stupid, I tell ya.

Get this mean, bloody bitch out of me.  Now.

I'm a goner.

Get Back in That OR!

My hysterectomy is scheduled for Tuesday, January 17 at the butt-crack of dawn.  Yes, my final, big, hoo-ha party with Dr. T other than the annual love fest.  I'm having a little bit of mixed emotions about it.  I'm *only* 43 and losing my entire reproductive system.  I will never have a bio child.  How crazy is that thinking?  Pretty nuts if you ask me.  Of course I will never have a bio child - I HAVE NO EGGS!

I'm also dreading surgery. Again.  Granted, I'm doing a laparoscopic hysterectomy and not full abdominal surgery but still . . .  the cost, the time, the anesthesia, the pain, the sub plans, the time off work, the cleanup at work after I return, the recovery, more cost, more pain . . . all of that doesn't make it fun.  It needs to be done.  The pain and flow and frequency of my periods is out of control.  Three bad periods in six weeks is a bit much, huh?

Oh well.  Let's rip that bitch out! 

Goodbye fibroids!
Goodbye adenomyosis! 
Goodbye endometriosis! 
Goodbye ugly bum ute! 
Goodbye tubes! (only things that wever worked)
Goodbye ovaries!  (dried up jerks)
Goodbye periods!  (BEST part of all!)

And hheeeelllllllloooooooo hormones!   Bring on the patch or pill or cream or gel!

Glad I'm having the lap hyst BEFORE we meet our baby!  I don't want to be a broken mommy.  :)

Like Old Home Week

I had my annual appointment with Dr. Terrific today, and it was like going home after a long time away.  Crazy enough, it was good to see everyone.  It had been so long!  Dr. T and Nurse Excellent were there but Nurse Amazing had the day off.  I'm sure she'll be sad she missed us (me & my ute).  Dr. T was his typical goofy self, talking half the time in some bastardized version of English/Irish he made up on the fly.  You just learn not to ask . . .  :)

I went in with my typical barrage of questions and concerns and need for Rx refills, and as always, everything was addressed.  My main concern was that my periods have become almost unbearable since our failed IVF.  Because you know I love TMI, my periods have lasted a week with massive bleeding and clotting and hellish cramps.  A super plus tampon is lucky to survive two hours during the three-day heavy part of my cycle.

Therefore, we are looking at a hysterectomy.  Since the Englishman doctor knows I don't need my uterus anymore, it's a good option because things will only get worse from here.  I'm doing my research, but a laparoscopic hysterectomy is most likely going to be the best solution.  A full hysterectomy that takes my uterus and ovaries but leaves the cervix intact.  Done by Dr. T and maybe a robot (who better not be English or Irish!).  And I'm okay with it.  Get rid of the bad shit and avoid ovarian cancer while rubbing on hormone cream or wearing a patch to get me fixed..  Considering my hormones are out of whack, why not?

I just thought this pic was great & wanted to include it!

After a short time with the "dick stick", aka vaginal u/s, it was determined that my bum ute is dealing with adenomyosis, endometriosis, and more fibroids.  (God bless America, don't look at the fibroid pics on that link. Gag!)  Dr. Terrific, in his worst accent of course, said, "By God, get that bloody piece of crap out 'a there!"  Geez - crazy dude.


Because of these issues, an endometrial ablation is probably not the best answer for me.  DH and I are talking about the best option for me/us and we'll make a decision soon, even though I think our decision is made.  It's just a timing issue at this point and I'll probably need to look at paying for more effing medical costs again.  (Poor baby might now get new nursery furniture - ha!)

But don't worry my dear followers and loves . . . my barren uterus will be more than barren, but it will continue here to ramble on and on and on.  You know, I'm gonna be a Mommy someday!  Woohoo!

Rambling with Narcotics

Narcotics for me = no sleep.  I finally got up at 6am (after my whole 3 hours of sleep).  It's DH's birthday today, so I let him sleep while I got some stuff done, then my mom came over, we ate lunch, we milled around the house, and now I'm ready to croak.

I've had the chills but no fever.  Mom said it's anesthesia related.  Weird.  My throat is still sore and dry, and I'd feel better if I hacked up a bronchial tube or something.  My stomach is fairly bloated and swollen.  I have a vertical strip about 4" long on the right of my navel that is so sore!  I'm currently on ice packs (my back & stomach) and took another pain pill to help me not sleep.  These narcotics are giving me the munchies too.  Yesterday I got home, ate lunch, slept for two hours, ate ice cream, slept for an hour, ate jello, rested for a while, ate a piece of chicken, then a chicken salad sandwich, and some chips.  Today I'm doing better (less drugs) but it's killing me to not eat the cookies I had delivered for DH's birthday!  :)

I'm rambling . . . again.  I'm bored and not feeling great, but I'm feeling a whole lot better than I did after my other surgeries.  Guess I need to ask the birthday boy what he's making me for dinner.  Honey!!!

BOHICA

Bend Over Here It Comes Again.

Just got off the phone with the surgery center.  My portion of the surgery (after insurance) will be $1660.21.  May I simply write you a check?

Why is it more expensive to NOT have a baby than it is to have one?????  Ugh.