Balancing Blogs

Finding a balance among multiple blogs is not an easy task.  I don't want to delete or merge because I feel they are each their own entity.  I've totally neglected my photo blogs, so they'll just sit and collect dust unless something fabulous comes up.  I'll continue to post here about our RPL/IF/Adoption journey.  Our home blog will continue to be updated as well.  Just wanted to dump my thoughts about that & let you know there are some new updates/posts over at Todd and Kristin if you want to check them out.

Nothing new on the adoption front, but believe me, you'll know if/when there is!

Hope

"Hope is faith holding out its hands in the dark." ~ George Iles

Floodgates

Oh boy.  The floodgates opened tonight.  Big time - and out of the freaking blue.  I'm all a hot, crying, snotty mess who just took a Xanax.  It hit me that tomorrow (April 24th) will make five years since we lost our first baby and began this awful journey.  One day that so strongly defined who I am and who I would become.  The one day that marked the beginning of it all.  Tears are just freely flowing, and they aren't stopping.  Five years ago right this very minute, I was pregnant with our first baby.  Yes, our "honeymoon baby" that I told *everyone* about from moment one.  Things were so amazing, so exciting, so perfect, so naive.  Then the next morning, shit hit the fan.  We went in for our first u/s and learned that we, in fact, were NOT having a baby after all.  Devastation doesn't begin to describe it.

Now, many might think that after five years I should be over all of this.  The only ones who will say that are those who have not experienced it (and, really, they can go fuck themselves).  Anyone else fully understands how the loss of a pregnancy - of a dream - never fully goes away.  I started to backtrack my blog to see when I wrote about that terrible day of April 24, 2007.  Have I even written about it?  Does anyone besides ME know anything about that terrible day?  Does DH even remember anything about it?  Did I just stuff everything deep inside?

Every little detail still seems so clear in my memory and can still sting my heart.  The top I was wearing.  The layout of the waiting room.  The nerves and excitement.  The lights in the ceiling.  The touch on my leg.  The "I'm sorry" that took my breath away.  That dark, dark, dark empty screen.  The immediate blood draw.  The tears trickling down my nurses cheeks while she stuck me.  Me demanding an immediate D&C because I couldn't go on.  Calling family.  Calling work.  Panic attacks.  Crying, crying, crying, and crying some more until I was in the fetal position, almost throwing up, unable to breathe, my lips and eyes swelled shut for days.

I know I've written about it somewhere, so I need to dig it out.  If I haven't, then I guess it is time.  Yes, here I am . . . rambling again.  This is not some fancy, planned post.  Just back to my heart vs. my head and typing it all out while hoping that my tears don't fry the keyboard of my laptop.

So YES, infertility has changed my life and it's not wrapped up in a few pretty words.  IF sucks.  It stole my three babies, tried to steal my heart, tried to wreck my marriage, tried to kill me . . . but it hasn't.  Loss and Infertility will always be a part of me, but I refuse to let it take me over anymore.  Don't know if I have "won" but I'm certainly not in the fight any longer.  And I'm still going to be a Mommy.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

NIAW: IF in 132 Words

I was reading a post over at Bloggers for Hope, and in a post about National Infertility Awareness Week it asked, "How has infertility affected your life?"  I summed it up in an extremely brief 132 words:

"Infertility rocked me to my core and changed me as a whole. I still experience sadness and joy, but they are felt and dealt with differently now. People who have never experienced the struggles unique to IF won't be able to understand how I've changed, and I can't expect them to now or ever.
After five years in battle, we finally ended our fight through my hysterectomy and planning for adoption. I still have the fight in me, and I have a renewed sense of hope, but I'll still carry the scars on my heart that RPL and IF created.
However, I WILL BE A MOTHER. We WILL be parents. We WILL have a family! Our family won't be created how we planned, but it's how it has been planned for us."
 
Hop on over there and check it out.  Let others know that you can't IGNORE infertility.  Find support.  Utilize resources.  Know you aren't alone.
 

NIAW: Don’t Ignore Infertility

Don’t Ignore this Week
(from RESOLVE.org)

April 22-28, 2012 is National Infertility Awareness Week®, a nationwide campaign intended to educate the public about infertility and the concerns of the infertility community. Since 1989, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association has led efforts to celebrate this special week by hosting events and activities designed to encourage grassroots advocacy and motivate the infertility movement.

This year’s theme is “Don’t Ignore Infertility.” We chose this important message because every voice that speaks out about the realities of infertility, and every act that acknowledges infertility as a medical condition with far-reaching social and emotional implications, helps tear down the wall of ignorance and silence that surrounds this devastating disease.

During NIAW 2012, we are calling upon everyone in the infertility community to commit to some act – large or small – to show that we won’t ignore infertility. Together, we can educate millions of people about a disease that is often overlooked and misunderstood by healthcare professionals, the government, insurance companies, the media, and even friends and family members.    

It’s time to make our voices heard!

What You Can Do

Join with RESOLVE in championing the “Don’t Ignore Infertility” theme during the last week of April.  Here are several ways you can show your support:

• Don’t ignore opportunities to talk about infertility.   Do you blog? Tweet? Teach a health class? Have a book group? Take advantage of opportunities in your daily life to share information about or bring attention to the cause of infertility.
• Don’t ignore legislation affecting infertility patients.  Several pending and existing laws encroach upon the rights of the infertile to freely build their families. Help change policy and protect your rights by writing to your representative or attending RESOLVE's Advocacy Day in Washington, D.C. on April 25. 
• Don’t ignore infertility support available.  Infertility is a lonely road, but no one has to travel it alone. Join an online infertility forum or local support group to find a warm, welcoming environment.
• Don’t ignore people struggling with infertility.  Reach out to friends or family members struggling with infertility. Ask how you can best support them in their journey. 
• Don’t ignore the impact of making a donation. Every cent donated donated helps bring needed programs and services to women and men with infertility. Sign up for the Walk of Hope or create your own fundraising event in your location.
• Don’t ignore family building alternatives.  You can build your family through many paths. During this week, open your mind to options that you had not previously considered.
• Don’t ignore your own strength. If you’re engaged in the fight against infertility, take a moment to recognize your courage and determination, as well as that of the sisters and brothers fighting alongside you.

What won’t you ignore about infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week?  Come tell us about it on our Facebook page! 

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I have not forgotten you. This is such a busy time of year. I've been up to my ass in alligators with work and my recuperation, and I apologize for ignoring you.  Since I am finally feeling better after having many of my guts ripped out, I'll be back soon.

Until then, we still WAIT for our baby.  *sigh*