Blowing Off the Dust . . . Full Circle

Hi there.  Remember me?  I didn't  think so.  I've wanted to start blogging again but just haven't made it a priority.  However, today something happened that reignited that fire - even if for only a brief moment.  I doubt anyone reads this dusty ol' archive of my pathetic journey to become a Mom, but I'm doing this for me anyway.

As a quick update, Kate turned two in September.  She is freaking amazing.  While I know I am biased, Kate is absolutely beautiful, smart, funny, strong, silly, feisty, loving, stubborn, dramatic, sweet, and all-around awesome.

I was changing Kate's diaper and getting her jammies on when I leaned down to rub noses with her.  She looked me straight in the eyes and, while grabbing my cheeks, said, "I love you, Mommy.  I love love my Mommy.  Ohhh Mommy." and hugged me so, so tight while repeating, "I love you, Mommy."  Cue the ugly cry.  We just hugged and loved on each other for a couple of minutes while I soaked in the moment.

11 years ago today, DH and I met on a blind date.  3 years ago today, we officially signed with the adoption agency.  26 months ago today, I became a Mommy.  And today, all of the pain & suffering of IF washed away for those moments while my daughter continued to melt the pieces of my heart back into a whole.

Kate & Mommy Enjoy Morning Snuggles

Where It All Began

Today marks 6 years since my first BFP (and subsequent m/c) and the long, painful road to trying to have a family.  It's hard to believe that it has been SIX YEARS since the roller coaster ride began.  And, boy, do I hate roller coasters!  (metaphorically and realistically)

However, as I rocked Kate to sleep the other night (and admittedly held her long after that), I can finally understand why we had to go through it all.  Now, here we are with our precious daughter and an amazing birth mother whom I absolutely love and cherish as well.  It's such a mix of emotions, and I thankful I can finally look back and say, "Ohhhhh . . . I see. That kind of makes sense now!"  What a long, tragic, sucky, miserable ride that ended in this beautiful, perfect place!

Here's an example of beautiful and perfect.  :)

It can't get any better than round rosy cheeks, bright blue eyes, pretty pink lips, blonde spiky hair, and lovely long eyelashes!  And you should see her chubby thighs!  That is right.  My daughter, Kate, is PERFECT.

After the long, hard battle I can now see in her that it all makes sense.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Are you KIDDING me????

I know that I am not NEARLY as eloquent as Mel of The Stirrup Queens, but when she sent out a message to our listserv group about this article I had to say *something* about it.  What was written is completely stupid and I was really too dumbfounded to craft an eloquent response.  Read the article and respond if you like.  Just be prepared.  And if you read the comments which have a strong parallel of stupidity to the article, be really prepared.


My response:


"You MUST be kidding me.  This article makes me sick.  Unless you are a Reproductive Endocrinologist or have experienced infertility, you have no right to debunk the "myths" of fertility or lack thereof.  Please stick to authoring cute articles about other things you do not know or understand."

Hope

"Hope is faith holding out its hands in the dark." ~ George Iles

Floodgates

Oh boy.  The floodgates opened tonight.  Big time - and out of the freaking blue.  I'm all a hot, crying, snotty mess who just took a Xanax.  It hit me that tomorrow (April 24th) will make five years since we lost our first baby and began this awful journey.  One day that so strongly defined who I am and who I would become.  The one day that marked the beginning of it all.  Tears are just freely flowing, and they aren't stopping.  Five years ago right this very minute, I was pregnant with our first baby.  Yes, our "honeymoon baby" that I told *everyone* about from moment one.  Things were so amazing, so exciting, so perfect, so naive.  Then the next morning, shit hit the fan.  We went in for our first u/s and learned that we, in fact, were NOT having a baby after all.  Devastation doesn't begin to describe it.

Now, many might think that after five years I should be over all of this.  The only ones who will say that are those who have not experienced it (and, really, they can go fuck themselves).  Anyone else fully understands how the loss of a pregnancy - of a dream - never fully goes away.  I started to backtrack my blog to see when I wrote about that terrible day of April 24, 2007.  Have I even written about it?  Does anyone besides ME know anything about that terrible day?  Does DH even remember anything about it?  Did I just stuff everything deep inside?

Every little detail still seems so clear in my memory and can still sting my heart.  The top I was wearing.  The layout of the waiting room.  The nerves and excitement.  The lights in the ceiling.  The touch on my leg.  The "I'm sorry" that took my breath away.  That dark, dark, dark empty screen.  The immediate blood draw.  The tears trickling down my nurses cheeks while she stuck me.  Me demanding an immediate D&C because I couldn't go on.  Calling family.  Calling work.  Panic attacks.  Crying, crying, crying, and crying some more until I was in the fetal position, almost throwing up, unable to breathe, my lips and eyes swelled shut for days.

I know I've written about it somewhere, so I need to dig it out.  If I haven't, then I guess it is time.  Yes, here I am . . . rambling again.  This is not some fancy, planned post.  Just back to my heart vs. my head and typing it all out while hoping that my tears don't fry the keyboard of my laptop.

So YES, infertility has changed my life and it's not wrapped up in a few pretty words.  IF sucks.  It stole my three babies, tried to steal my heart, tried to wreck my marriage, tried to kill me . . . but it hasn't.  Loss and Infertility will always be a part of me, but I refuse to let it take me over anymore.  Don't know if I have "won" but I'm certainly not in the fight any longer.  And I'm still going to be a Mommy.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

NIAW: IF in 132 Words

I was reading a post over at Bloggers for Hope, and in a post about National Infertility Awareness Week it asked, "How has infertility affected your life?"  I summed it up in an extremely brief 132 words:

"Infertility rocked me to my core and changed me as a whole. I still experience sadness and joy, but they are felt and dealt with differently now. People who have never experienced the struggles unique to IF won't be able to understand how I've changed, and I can't expect them to now or ever.
After five years in battle, we finally ended our fight through my hysterectomy and planning for adoption. I still have the fight in me, and I have a renewed sense of hope, but I'll still carry the scars on my heart that RPL and IF created.
However, I WILL BE A MOTHER. We WILL be parents. We WILL have a family! Our family won't be created how we planned, but it's how it has been planned for us."
 
Hop on over there and check it out.  Let others know that you can't IGNORE infertility.  Find support.  Utilize resources.  Know you aren't alone.
 

NIAW: Don’t Ignore Infertility

Don’t Ignore this Week
(from RESOLVE.org)

April 22-28, 2012 is National Infertility Awareness Week®, a nationwide campaign intended to educate the public about infertility and the concerns of the infertility community. Since 1989, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association has led efforts to celebrate this special week by hosting events and activities designed to encourage grassroots advocacy and motivate the infertility movement.

This year’s theme is “Don’t Ignore Infertility.” We chose this important message because every voice that speaks out about the realities of infertility, and every act that acknowledges infertility as a medical condition with far-reaching social and emotional implications, helps tear down the wall of ignorance and silence that surrounds this devastating disease.

During NIAW 2012, we are calling upon everyone in the infertility community to commit to some act – large or small – to show that we won’t ignore infertility. Together, we can educate millions of people about a disease that is often overlooked and misunderstood by healthcare professionals, the government, insurance companies, the media, and even friends and family members.    

It’s time to make our voices heard!

What You Can Do

Join with RESOLVE in championing the “Don’t Ignore Infertility” theme during the last week of April.  Here are several ways you can show your support:

• Don’t ignore opportunities to talk about infertility.   Do you blog? Tweet? Teach a health class? Have a book group? Take advantage of opportunities in your daily life to share information about or bring attention to the cause of infertility.
• Don’t ignore legislation affecting infertility patients.  Several pending and existing laws encroach upon the rights of the infertile to freely build their families. Help change policy and protect your rights by writing to your representative or attending RESOLVE's Advocacy Day in Washington, D.C. on April 25. 
• Don’t ignore infertility support available.  Infertility is a lonely road, but no one has to travel it alone. Join an online infertility forum or local support group to find a warm, welcoming environment.
• Don’t ignore people struggling with infertility.  Reach out to friends or family members struggling with infertility. Ask how you can best support them in their journey. 
• Don’t ignore the impact of making a donation. Every cent donated donated helps bring needed programs and services to women and men with infertility. Sign up for the Walk of Hope or create your own fundraising event in your location.
• Don’t ignore family building alternatives.  You can build your family through many paths. During this week, open your mind to options that you had not previously considered.
• Don’t ignore your own strength. If you’re engaged in the fight against infertility, take a moment to recognize your courage and determination, as well as that of the sisters and brothers fighting alongside you.

What won’t you ignore about infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week?  Come tell us about it on our Facebook page! 

My Favorite New Question

Q:  "What is the date of your last menstrual cycle?"

A:  Huh????  :)

Had my gall bladder out.  Will blog about that fun later.

Bequeathing

From the looks of what I cleaned out of the bathroom cabinet today, one would surmise that (1) I'm a hoarder of all things feminine product-related, (2) I was preparing for the AF Armageddon, or (3) both.  The correct answer is probably #3!  I will admit to throwing away two packs of applicators and three chucks.  I did keep one new box of pantiliners because, hey, I DO have a cervix ya know.

It is time for me to bequeath the multiple boxes of pads, pantiliners, tampons, OPKs, and HPTs.  I am going to offer my maid the sanitary product stuff.  She just had yet another baby and can probably use it or give it to other needy women.  The OPKs and HPTs are going to my friend, Jenn.  Damn.  I really should auction all of it off and make some money.  Ha!!!

As for my recovery, it's slow.  I'm feeling okay but still very sore and weak.  Doesn't take much to slow me down.  It's a bit frustrating but I'll survive.  Still kinda weird to think about it . . . I don't have a uterus.  No ovaries.  No tubes.  I had my entire reproductive system ripped out.  Don't worry, though.  I'm still checking tp like something is actually going to be there!

"Big, Ugly Uterus"

"Big, Ugly Uterus.  You did great, sweet girl."  That's all I remember Dr. T saying to me in recovery.

After a yucky night after questionable late-afternoon sushi, DH and I woke up EARLY and showed up at the hospital way before the butt-crack of dawn.  I was ready - physically, mentally, and emotionally.  After checking in with the front desk, I literally, financially, and figuratively signed my life away.  Lots of adverbs here.  Guess it was a adverbial kind of day.

Not long after arriving, I was taken into pre-op.  The highlight of my day?  PIAC.  Seriously??!?  A pregnancy test?!  Thank you for having the infertile pee one last proverbial pee before ripping out all possibilities of reproduction.  Don't think I wouldn't bring it up with Dr. T!  I had to shake my head, laugh, and give her enough drops to dip the stick.  The nurse was on her own for that one!

I confirmed that I am who I am and have a birthday that I have.  Confirmed I was having a complete laparoscopic supracervical hysterectomy which would be done through two abdominal incisions and one in through navel.  (here's a video of the surgery)  The surgery removed my uterus, tubes, and ovaries while leaving my cervix intact.  I stripped down and changed into the awesome Bair Paws gown that hooks up to a reverse vacuum tube which blows warm or cool air into my gown.  I LOVE that thing!  It also comes with cute matching socks.  It's the little things, huh?  Compression instruments were placed on my legs, so I got a little calf massage before we began.  IV was placed.  They asked about previous surgeries, medications, made sure I didn't have anything removable in my body, and everything else.  At that time, I was wishing I would've worn a sandwich board portraying my Rain Man Serious Injury List.  While I waited, I flipped through a PBK catalog DH gave me and commented how I liked some of their stuff and how it was overpriced.  Made some nursery notes though because I really like their floor rugs.  How cool is it that I can have a hysterectomy and baby shop in the same day?  Adoption rocks.  :)

Dr. T came into pre-op and we went over random surgery stuff. (Yes, I mentioned the piac.  Protocol.  Whatever.)  The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the good stuff.  Then into the OR.  I was a tad loopy but looked around, seeing the large instruments that would be jabbed into my body.  Dr. T & the drug man were talking, the nurses were talking.  Soon after the drug man (always my favorite dude of the day) placed a mask on my face and told me by the fourth breath I'd be asleep.  And I was.  However, I do remember at some point before fading away that Dr. T was standing to my side, one hand on my shoulder and one near my hip maybe.  I truly think he was praying over me.  While I plan to ask him about it, and whether it happened or not, it gave me comfort and I'm thankful for it.

A couple of hours later, Dr. T met with DH.  He explained things and provided party pics.  Wanna see 'em?  They're sssoooooo gross!  My mom, the nurse, saw them and said, "That is not what those things are supposed to look like!"   No shit since that's what they felt like!  I recovered in post-op fairly well and fairly quickly, DH bringing me home by about 3:00pm yesterday.  I am VERY sore, VERY bloated, and VERY dry.  My "stab" wounds from the laparascopic portion of the surgery are icky and extremely bruised.  I truly feel like I've been in a knife fight.  Not sure if I won or lost but pills and a fairly new nasal spray for pain are helping some.

Dr. T called late yesterday afternoon & I missed his call.  Since he's so awesome, he told me to call him back on his cell and we were able to catch up.  My uterus was twice the size it should have been.  The adenomyosis and fibroids were severe enough that my uterus was basically unable to drain itself, causing the terrible periods of late.  My left ovary was embedded into my left pelvic wall and had some endo surrounding it.  Tubes looked fine, but what good were they when everything else was crap?

Now I recover.  I took the week off work and made sub plans for next week if I need them.  Last night brought visits from my sister, niece, and Mom; there is babysitting from my sister today; and so far lots of calls from other family and friends.  I feel like I'm in a good place.  IF didn't really beat me because I tore it out of the battle before it had the chance.  DH and I are going to be parents.  And THAT is what matters!

Thanks for being here for the ride.  Your comments, emails, prayers, thoughts, and rain dances mean so much to me.  Yes, I write for me but hearing from you makes it even more worthwhile.  No telling what the life will bring from here.  This blog will continue - whether you like it or not.  ;)  It gives me an outlet for my thoughts and feelings while keeping people in the loop of my world.  Guess I need a new blog look though.  I may work on it some this week or find someone who'd like to do it for free.  My focus will continue to help others in the battle of MC/RPL/IF while soon sharing my future family with you.  Yes, I will ramble on . . . and on . . . and on . . .

Until then, more pain drugs and a new laugh for DH (and yes I see the typo):

The Turnaround

On Friday, I was reading through the online forum which has carried me through wedding planning, being a newlywed, MC & PL, IF, and now into adoption.  Another girl there had posted that she is having a difficult time making that mental shift to adoption.  After I had my mini-meltdown (and a couple since) Thursday, I shared the following with her on Friday morning.  (Flip that hormone switch!)  As it's been proven to me over and over and over again:  After the grief, hope rises.

"Hi there - good to see you.  Making that mental shift to adoption will take some time, and that is OKAY.  I think any of us that have battled IF still carry our scars.  Some are fresher than others and some are deeper, but unfortunately we all have them.  Nobody can tell you what to do of course, but I recommend seeking out a counselor that specializes in infertility.

Thanks to resources offered by RESOLVE, I found one in my area and she was amazing.  I only saw her once, but that was exactly what I needed - someone who had been down my path and truly understood where I was.  She was also able to see where I would be someday, which is something I couldn't visualize at the time.

Yes, I still have moments of grief that creep up on me because I know that I will never be able to conceive, carry, or deliver a child.  I will never have the cute pregnant belly that I used to make as a pillow when I was little.  I won't be able to share DNA with another human other than my parents.

Even with all of that said, I WILL be a mom.  My husband WILL be the father of my children.  We will be parents and live and function as any other family out there.  I'll miss out on the experience of pregnancy and delivery, but I know the love I have for my child won't be anything less than that of a woman who bore her children.  If anything, my love will be a little more special I think.  And I can't wait!  Plus, as I tell my friends who are currently pregnant, I'll have my baby but "at least my vag won't get all torn up!"  :)

The Impossible

For the past several years, I've driven by the Destination Maternity store along the highway that takes me to and from work each day and thought, "I can't wait to walk in there and buy a cute maternity outfit for myself."  Through time it became more painful to drive by that store, yet I still kept that hope of buying that one overpriced maternity outfit for when my time came.

Well, Thursday's drive by caused a small break in the dam.  A chink appeared in my armor.  I literally looked over to see the store that's awaited me all this time . . . and began sobbing.  It only lasted a minute or so but it finally hit me with a finality that I've never quite felt until now.  I will NEVER be pregnant.  I will NEVER have a baby bump.  I will NEVER wear maternity clothes.  I will NEVER carry a baby.  I will NEVER feel a baby kick inside of me.  Nor will I have to announce to DH that I've gone into labor nor deliver a baby nor see the look on DH's face when our baby comes out of my body - not any of it.  It will be completely and totally impossible after Tuesday morning.  There is no miracle to be had.

(::insert the true insanity of this::  I know it wasn't possible for any of that to happen anyway, but as a female you always hang on to some strange, idiotic thread of hope that miracle might somehow come your way.)

I'm still crying some tears about that fact.  Call it hormones, exhaustion, stress, fear or a combination of it all (which it is), but I think I'm experiencing that final stage of grief.  I'm going through it and feeling it because I know it needs to happen.  I've learned on this path that it makes it worse for me to stuff all of the feelings until I explode.  Man, it feels weird.  I've been fighting this battle for what feels like so long.

That battle has ended.  It's finished.  It is truly over, even though I didn't get to win.  And I hate losing.

How did you know?

:: taps microphone::  Is anyone even reading this thing anymore??  Let me know you're out there if you are!
Someone posted a question on an adoption forum that I read asking, "At what point did you decide enough was enough?"  It took me an instant to respond.  Here is what I said:

"We tried for over four years to get pg. After three m/c, thousands upon thousands of dollars, six medicated cycles, three failed IUIs and one failed IVF, my body and my heart told me we were done. (gave her link to this blog for background) I had to deal with the grief that I will never carry and deliver a child because that is a biological need I have always felt. Honestly, I was not interested in even discussing adoption for a very long time while DH was ready from the beginning.

However, I now feel this amazing sense of hope and feel more than elated and comfortable that we ARE going to be parents. The biological aspect is such a minute part of what truly makes a family. When/if I lurk on the IF forums/boards, I often think about these poor girls that are so stressed out and putting their bodies and hearts through so much while I'm so excited about being a mommy!  I've even started shopping for baby stuff and can look at baby stuff without breaking into an emotional mess.

So . . . you may or may not just "know" when you're ready.  After our last cycle failed and I knew a bio child would not happen, I found a counselor through RESOLVE. I only met with her a couple of times, but all I needed to was to talk to someone who truly understood. Then, I was able to move forward.

Hope that doesn't all sound like a rambling mess, but I know in my heart and have faith that we will be parents soon and God has an amazing future for us and our family.  GL to you!"

Could we have tried IVF again?  Probably not.  I was on the strongest protocol available (i.e., most amount of medication one can take), and I didn't even produce one viable egg for retrieval.

Could we have gone with donor eggs?  Probably.  It was recommended by the RE.

So . . . why didn't we go with DE? I got to the point that I couldn't trust my body (still can't/don't). It hasn't worked for me time and time again, so I found it stupid to spend all that money and put all of my hope into something that my past history had shown probably wouldn't work. Now knowing what I know about my jacked (and soon to be removed) bum ute, I am so thankful that we didn't even make the attempt.

Don't know if I ever really discussed here as what got us to "that point" - the end of our TTC road. Feel free to ask me any questions that you have though.

Isn't It Ironic?

On my way home from work today, I stopped by an estate sale in my neighborhood.  As I entered the almost emptied-out home, standing before me was a HUGELY pregnant woman and her husband.  Like any good infertile would do, I walked the opposite direction.  Little did I know we would connect around the wall!

So, like any good infertile would do again, I tried to get around the very pregnant woman as she and her husband talked about "baby Benjamin" and how he really didn't need any free weights since they had some at the house.  Upon my pending escape before I vomited in my mouth a little, I found myself practically slammed against a wall where TWO books lay on a table.  This was on top:

I grabbed it and ran out of there, paying my $0.50 along the way.  Isn't it ironic?  I really do think . . .

Nagging Feelings

I've been surrounded more than usual lately by many wonderful friends that are blessed to be pregnant or having babies.  I'm happy for them because I truly know what a miracle pregnancy and childbirth can be.  Yet, I have also been feeling a little more down than usual about the fact that I will never be pregnant or give birth to a child.  Then it hit me . . .

Had our IVF cycle been successful, we would have a baby now.  Oh well.

You Know You're . . .

You know you're a habitual aborter and infertile when you clean out some of your hidden "baby stash" and find FIVE CANS and three travel packs of expired formula.  Oops.  I sincerely apologize to the starving infants of third-world countries.

Next up: expired medications filling the refrigerator drawers.

Article: When Enough is Enough

RESOLVE has posted a wonderful article for anyone struggling with IF and wondering when that elusive end-point will be.  It discusses how treatments take over your lives, the emotional roller coasters, anger, isolation from family and friends, and the toll it can take on a marriage.  Hope vs. time . . . the constant tug-of-war . . . is discussed before the article talks about moving on from treatments and deciding what to do from there.

Even if you aren't struggling with IF, it is a good read to help you understand what your loved ones may experience along their road to family.

Do you hear that?

I know you're used to the sound of chirping crickets around here lately.  Honestly, I don't have much to say these days.  Don't worry, I'm not living in a hole underground somewhere or anything extra weird like that.  When you aren't TTC (it's kinda difficult to create a baby when you have no eggs) then a fertility/infertility blog becomes a place where there isn't much to say!  Add in a much-needed summer vacation, and our focus is elsewhere.

It's been hard - REALLY hard - and I'm still not completely through it all.  It's just a weird place to be in these days after being hard-core focused on procreating for over four years.  It's also difficult to be in a holding pattern dead standstill while everyone around you (fertile & non-fertile alike) continues to get pregnant, have babies, and repeat the process more than once while we wait for just ONE.  Just one tiny, little baby . . .

However, we are not finished in our quest for family.  Currently looking into adoption and/or donor eggs, there are definite options out there to help us become more than just a Mr. & Mrs. with two dogs.  I've been working through my grief and frustration in knowing that my DNA stops here.  There will be more counseling once we makes some decisions about where to go from here.  In one way, it's relieving.  In another, it's scary as hell.

I'm used to scary as hell, so we'll keep moving forward.  Don't be a stranger (i.e. say hi & let me know you were here!), and I'll be back to rambling away in no time!

Father's Day

Oh, Father's Day Smather's Day.  Yet another year that my crappy body doesn't allow my husband to be a father.  Hopefully the huge bottle of bourbon from the dogs helps to take the sting out of it for him.  Better than an ugly tie - maybe.

In Case You Didn't Know

It costs a LOT more to not have a baby than it does to have one.  Hope you enjoyed that insightful PSA.

You're welcome.