Oh boy. The floodgates opened tonight. Big time - and out of the freaking blue. I'm all a hot, crying, snotty mess who just took a Xanax. It hit me that tomorrow (April 24th) will make five years since we lost our first baby and began this awful journey. One day that so strongly defined who I am and who I would become. The one day that marked the beginning of it all. Tears are just freely flowing, and they aren't stopping. Five years ago right this very minute, I was pregnant with our first baby. Yes, our "honeymoon baby" that I told *everyone* about from moment one. Things were so amazing, so exciting, so perfect, so naive. Then the next morning, shit hit the fan. We went in for our first u/s and learned that we, in fact, were NOT having a baby after all. Devastation doesn't begin to describe it.
Now, many might think that after five years I should be over all of this. The only ones who will say that are those who have not experienced it (and, really, they can go fuck themselves). Anyone else fully understands how the loss of a pregnancy - of a dream - never fully goes away. I started to backtrack my blog to see when I wrote about that terrible day of April 24, 2007. Have I even written about it? Does anyone besides ME know anything about that terrible day? Does DH even remember anything about it? Did I just stuff everything deep inside?
Every little detail still seems so clear in my memory and can still sting my heart. The top I was wearing. The layout of the waiting room. The nerves and excitement. The lights in the ceiling. The touch on my leg. The "I'm sorry" that took my breath away. That dark, dark, dark empty screen. The immediate blood draw. The tears trickling down my nurses cheeks while she stuck me. Me demanding an immediate D&C because I couldn't go on. Calling family. Calling work. Panic attacks. Crying, crying, crying, and crying some more until I was in the fetal position, almost throwing up, unable to breathe, my lips and eyes swelled shut for days.
I know I've written about it somewhere, so I need to dig it out. If I haven't, then I guess it is time. Yes, here I am . . . rambling again. This is not some fancy, planned post. Just back to my heart vs. my head and typing it all out while hoping that my tears don't fry the keyboard of my laptop.
So YES, infertility has changed my life and it's not wrapped up in a few pretty words. IF sucks. It stole my three babies, tried to steal my heart, tried to wreck my marriage, tried to kill me . . . but it hasn't. Loss and Infertility will always be a part of me, but I refuse to let it take me over anymore. Don't know if I have "won" but I'm certainly not in the fight any longer. And I'm still going to be a Mommy.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."