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Monday, April 23, 2012


Oh boy.  The floodgates opened tonight.  Big time - and out of the freaking blue.  I'm all a hot, crying, snotty mess who just took a Xanax.  It hit me that tomorrow (April 24th) will make five years since we lost our first baby and began this awful journey.  One day that so strongly defined who I am and who I would become.  The one day that marked the beginning of it all.  Tears are just freely flowing, and they aren't stopping.  Five years ago right this very minute, I was pregnant with our first baby.  Yes, our "honeymoon baby" that I told *everyone* about from moment one.  Things were so amazing, so exciting, so perfect, so naive.  Then the next morning, shit hit the fan.  We went in for our first u/s and learned that we, in fact, were NOT having a baby after all.  Devastation doesn't begin to describe it.

Now, many might think that after five years I should be over all of this.  The only ones who will say that are those who have not experienced it (and, really, they can go fuck themselves).  Anyone else fully understands how the loss of a pregnancy - of a dream - never fully goes away.  I started to backtrack my blog to see when I wrote about that terrible day of April 24, 2007.  Have I even written about it?  Does anyone besides ME know anything about that terrible day?  Does DH even remember anything about it?  Did I just stuff everything deep inside?

Every little detail still seems so clear in my memory and can still sting my heart.  The top I was wearing.  The layout of the waiting room.  The nerves and excitement.  The lights in the ceiling.  The touch on my leg.  The "I'm sorry" that took my breath away.  That dark, dark, dark empty screen.  The immediate blood draw.  The tears trickling down my nurses cheeks while she stuck me.  Me demanding an immediate D&C because I couldn't go on.  Calling family.  Calling work.  Panic attacks.  Crying, crying, crying, and crying some more until I was in the fetal position, almost throwing up, unable to breathe, my lips and eyes swelled shut for days.

I know I've written about it somewhere, so I need to dig it out.  If I haven't, then I guess it is time.  Yes, here I am . . . rambling again.  This is not some fancy, planned post.  Just back to my heart vs. my head and typing it all out while hoping that my tears don't fry the keyboard of my laptop.

So YES, infertility has changed my life and it's not wrapped up in a few pretty words.  IF sucks.  It stole my three babies, tried to steal my heart, tried to wreck my marriage, tried to kill me . . . but it hasn't.  Loss and Infertility will always be a part of me, but I refuse to let it take me over anymore.  Don't know if I have "won" but I'm certainly not in the fight any longer.  And I'm still going to be a Mommy.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11


Jenn said...

I'm crying reading this, my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry you have had to experience this pain and loss. I don't know what else to say. You guys are in my prayers that you get the call soon. I know you will be an amazing mother. And child is going to be beyond blessed to have you two for parents.

Love you.

Carly said...

Oh your brief description of that day sounds so much like mine. With me previous miscarriage, I didn't know I was pregnant until I was already miscarrying, and with my recent pregnancy I was so excited and told every right away, just like you did. You're right, people just don't understand what it's actually like until they've been through it themselves. It really does rip out your heart. Like you, it put a strain on every part of my life - even to me leading to think I didn't want to be with my other half any more. I still think about it every day, it never will leave you.

The Writer Chic said...

Just hugs. Love you, K.

cjdubs13 said...

I love that passage. Hugs to you. Just remember very ounce of pain will be forgotten...well not forgotten but dulled...when you get that phone call. Praying it comes soon.

kinsey said...

You WILL be a mommy. I remember every detail of my miscarriages as well...and no, we won't ever forget them. Hugs.

Mrs. Brightside said...

I'm so sorry for the pain of all that you've been through. I have so many terribly vivid memories from the past few years. Remembering every detail, against my will, means that it's so much easier for something to trigger the memory - the doctors office, the street we left down, the shirt i was wearing, where we picked up our pity party food, the fire we made, the movie we watched, and on and on. It's totally why I do my very best to just zone out lately when going through things - not letting dates sink in, not being too present during doctors visits. Probably won't help in the end, it's all such a bitch. Just let it all out when you need to, sending a bloggie hug!

Maria (MKC101103) said...

I broke into tears reading this and knowing exactly how that day was for you. All three of my miscarriages went the same as yours. The poor nurses doing the u/s must hold their breath every time. Part of my prayers always include hoping I can forget all of that pain, and all of those tears. 2007 was the worst year of my life and I want to take a pill that will erase that entire year from my memory.

I always remember the quote, "Nobody said it would be easy, they only said it would be worth it." And it is worth it, Kristin. I promise.

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