From Us to You

We were so busy over the holidays and are now full into the throes of our crazy time of the school year, but I did want to share our Christmas - turned New Year's - almost became Groundhog's Day - card.  :)   If you read our other blogs, you'll feel like you're having a dejavu!  You can click the image to see it in full view.


Our last name (which I removed) was shaded behind our names, so you may notice some flaws around "Kristin, Mindy, Pippin".

Also included was our annual "year in review" on the back of the card.  Again, click for full view.

Thank you to everyone who follows and reads this blog.  I know it's not always sunshine, rainbows, puppy dogs, and kitty cats, but it's all I have for now.  Our journey to become parents is not over, but we are definitely at a fork in the road.  It's time for us to make some really big, emotional decisions and (frankly) I'm a little scared and (as always) more than anxious.  Like our card said, "No matter what the year ahead brings, we know that we have one another and the love of our family and friends."  We hope your 2011 is starting off well and wishing you many blessings along the way!

More Verification of My Insanity

My mom came over yesterday & we were chatting about everything in the world, just like we always do.  She told me an interesting little tidbit.  The man who rents a room from my mom & her husband spent the holidays with our family.  My mother told this man "JW" to send some photos to his mother since he was not with his own family at Christmas.  When JW forwarded the pics to his mom, she inquired the girl in the photos, saying "She looks JUST like ________!" (a friend of JW's mom)  My mom said that it appears that I have a twin out there somewhere, which got my mind running amok.

"How old is she?" I asked my mom.  (apparently somewhere near my age)
"Where does she live?"
"Are her eyes blue?"
"Sounds like her hair is curly & blonde."
"Is she healthy?"
"Is she fertile?"

"Does she have any extra eggs?"
"Would she like to make a little bit of money?"

Yes, I've started soliciting strangers from afar . . . must be time for a med check.  Cuckoo!  Cuckoo!

For WiseGuy and Lola

Kristin over at The Fertile Infertile has a wonderful and beautiful idea on what we can collectively do for our bloggy friend, WiseGuy, as she begins to grieve the loss of her newborn Lola.  It's a little thing that each of us can do which would mean something huge for someone else.  Please either click on the link to Kristin's blog and contact her, or email me (kekis26 at gmail dot com) and I will get you the information.  We need to move fast on this to get in done and to WiseGuy when she needs it most, so contact either of us asap!  Thanks for the continued prayers.

Please Send Prayers

Please send up prayers for my friend WiseGuy. After years of loss and infertility, she delivered her beautiful daughter Lola on the 14th. She just learned today that her daughter went into cardiac arrest on the 16th and did not survive.  I am absolutely heartbroken for her, and she needs our love and prayers more than ever right now.

I Want a Baby

That's all. Nothing else to report other than stating the obvious.

True Loss

"You can’t plan everything and if you do, you could missing out on so much that life has to offer. And that? That is true loss."  ~ Beth Fletcher, I Should be Folding Laundry

Comforting Words

In the aftermath of our dreams of conceiving through IVF being squashed, there are three people who said just the right things.

#1 - My mom and I left the doctor's office.  Tears were falling, and I just wanted the hell out of there.  Although she has never experienced what I have with infertility, she has always known my dreams and I was thankful to have my mom with me.  We got to the parking garage, and that's when it happened.  Before even getting into the car, she grabbed me into a big hug.  I broke down sobbing. I'm talking bawling out loud in front of the world, and I didn't even care.  "This is not the end of your story," I heard, and that is what I want to believe.

#2 - A week or so later, I met my best friend for lunch.  Our friendship has been strained (to say the least) because of my need to isolate myself during IF.  While our 30 year friendship is not nearly what it was, we are slowly working hard to rebuild it.  She doesn't read this blog (I don't think), so she did not know about our whirlwind attempt at IVF.  When I told her what we had been through and what had been taken from us, she teared up a bit, shook her head, and said, "That sucks.  There is nothing else I can say."  What a true statement that is.

#3 - Fast forward a couple of more weeks to Christmas.  My Dad "J" (who is actually my stepdad that also raised me from age 2) was aware that we'd hopefully know by the holidays if our IVF resulted in a pregnancy.  Because I didn't have the courage to call and tell him that it had not, he asked me about it Christmas Day.  "Hey!  I've gotten emails from you, but nothing hearing what I want to hear!"  I just dropped my head a bit, teared up a little, and said, "Well . . . it . . . it didn't work."  At that point, my often undemonstrative Dad hugged me and told me it would be okay no matter what.  He looked at me and said, "I always wanted a daughter, and I got one!"  As did I get a second Daddy.

While these words can't fix anything that is broken (not even my heart), they stay in my mind and heart, and they do help.  They also stay locked in my mind reminding me what I do have - people who love me.

International Blog Delurking Week

It's International Blog Delurking Week!   (well, for a few more days)  What does that mean?  It means that if you lurk here then you need to come out, come out, wherever you are!  I think it might even be a part of international law or something important like that.

Drop a comment and tell me who I am you are or how long you've been reading or who/what led you here or a link to your blog, or just say hi!  Don't be scared.  Don't be shy.  I promise I don't bite . . . as long as I've eaten.

2010 Survey

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before? Jabbed myself with several needles each day.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't do resolutions anymore because if you want something, just make it an every day goal for yourself instead.  It doesn't have to begin because the calendar changes.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?  Of course, EVERYONE either gave birth or got pregnant.  Didn't we already know that?  What a crappy question. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?  Many - too many.   Let's see, there was . . . (1) My friend, Kacie, who died from complications of RSV after a successful bone marrow transplant for leukemia;  (2) My friends' infant daughter, Kelsey, who died from complications related to Down Syndrome;  (3)  Our beloved Mackey dog;  (4) My uncle (Dad's brother, who was estranged from most of the family);  (5) My last living Grandma (paternal gma) died;  (6)  My aunt's son (who I guess would be a cousin, but we never met); (7) The husband of DH's mom's best friend from cancer; (8) My friend, Lynn, who was such a a gentle giant lost his battle to cancer; (9) My step-mother's mom; (10) My best friend's brother; (11) a friend's husband; and (12) My friends' sister/SIL who was brutally murdered by her husband.  Gosh . . . DH and/or I went to all but a couple of those services & we're funeraled out.  Hope 2011 is better in this department - MUCH BETTER.

5. What countries did you visit?  USA!  (Georgia, San Francisco, and Texas)

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?  Hhhhhmmm . . . let me think.  This is a hard one.  Sarcasm?  No.  Heartache?  No.  Oh yeah!  A BABY.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory?  Too many - and not in good ways.  Mostly May 8th when we lost Mackey and December 3rd when our IVF cycle went down the tubes.  Our July and August travels had some great memories though!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Getting through the year without my body killing an unborn baby or losing my damn mind.

9. What was your biggest failure?  Can I get a free pass on this one?  I think we all know this answer, so I'm not going to repeat it over and over again.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?  Mental?  Yes.  :)  I almost sliced off two of my fingers while chopping bell peppers, had my annual sinus infection & bronchitis, and at least one hooha party-related surgery.

11. What was the best thing you bought?  All I can think of is anything that I paid for with cash.  :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?  DH's and my own.  Other than DH, my mom, sister, stepdad & best friend earned some points for meritous support that I need to blog about soon.  My cousin & his wife (shout out J & T) for their support from afar.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  The behavior of my uterus & ovaries get to go first here.  Other than that, I'm disappointed with the behavior of a few of my family members completely ignoring the fact that our IVF obviously didn't happen.  Of course the behavior of some of my students' parents.  Those people don't deserve to have children, yet they do and I pay for some of them.

14. Where did most of your money go?  Yet another silly question.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  Thinking IVF would be our ticket to a baby.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?  There are many.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
             i. happier or sadder? hell if I know
            ii. thinner or fatter? same, still fat
           iii. richer or poorer? same I guess, which is a fairly poor teacher

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?  I don't know.  Cleaned & organized the house I guess.  Exercised.  Walked the dogs.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?  Cried.

20. How did you spend Christmas?  Two days before Christmas was spent with my Dad, stepmom, sister and her family, two of my nieces and one nephew.  Christmas Eve was spent with Todd's uncle and his wife and a few family members and friends.  Christmas morning was with DH and our pets.  Christmas Day was at my mom's with lots of family and a couple of friends.

I have no clue what happened to #29.  I copied this from another blog & she didn't have it either.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?  Yes.  I fell in love with my husband again.

24. What was your favorite TV program?  I've been watching that stupid All My Children for almost 30 years, so I should probably rank it first.  I also like a bunch of reality crap like Big Brother, Amazing Race, etc.  Embarrassing but true.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?  No.  I don't hate others.

26. What was the best book you read?  The Hunger Games trilogy (and I'm not a big reader)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Glee  :)

28. What did you want and get?  The year to end - and it did!  Of course, DH got me lots of great Christmas presents too.

There is no #29 either! WTH?

30. What was your favorite film of this year?  Eclipse?  I dunno.  I don't watch a ton of movies, and when I do, I always forget them.  The Sound of Music is always my #1 movie & I watch it at least a couple of times per year.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?  I worked on my 42nd birthday and DH and I went out to dinner that night for my annual crab legs feast.  He hates going with me because I meticulously pick out every.single.tiny.little.bitty.piece of crab and savor every bite.  It literally takes me over an hour to eat.  I love it!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  Well, hell.  Why am I doing these questions again?  Am I that desperate for a post?!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?  Comfortable - I'm not big into fashion.  I just like clothes to fit and not make me look fatter than I already am.

34. What kept you sane?  Prozac and Xanax.  And I'm not kidding.  DH helped too.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?  Hugh Hefner -- hahaha!  I kid!  I kid!  I don't "fancy" people (that sounds weird), but Clooney is still hot in my book.  Let's go ahead and add Bradley Cooper too.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?  I'm not into politics, but I think anyone that is so passionate about something that they aren't willing to consider or listen to other sides bugs the shit out of me.

37. Who did you miss?  My grandmother, Mary, and I'm still missing her desperately every single day.

38. Who was the best new person you met?  I'd have to think on that one.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:  You are stronger than you think.  (it's a recurring theme)

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your whole year:  "So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways, all my underdogs . . ."  Either that or "Turn off the lights.  The party's over."

2010's Creme de la Creme

Each year, Mel over at Stirrup Queens puts together a list called the "Creme de la Creme" that is a compilation of blogs submitted by blog writers themselves.  I submitted Fertile Ramblings to the list and (of course) picked one of my more foul-mouthed ramblings to submit.  Oops.  Hopefully those who visit for the first time read more than that one sailor-word-laden post.  A HUGE THANKS to Mel for working so hard to review and encapsulate every.single.entry to the list.

Be sure to check out the 2010's Creme de la Creme list.  You will find many, many AMAZING blogs written by those who are or have been in the world of ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) and are sharing their hearts and words with all of us.  Fertile Ramblings is #197 of over 250 blogs, so get reading!

In My Own Words

"Be thankful for what you have because it might be something that someone else would die to have." ~ kekis