Blessed by Our Baby Girl

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Find Me

Follow on Bloglovin Instagram Follow Me on Pinterest Search & Win

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Shopping Day!

Today was the big day - DH and I went shopping for baby stuff - for OUR baby!  :)  He was naturally thrilled as you can only imagine.  Nothing like a 6'3" dude with a deep voice in a baby store.  haha!

Thankfully, my friend Jenn was available to pop my cherry working today and gave us a tour of stuff.  After we left her store, we went to two others only to find that baby stuff is baby stuff is baby stuff.  You can follow me on Pinterest if you want to see the plethora of baby I've found thus far!

Here are our front runners thus far:

Crib by Munire

Dresser (also by Munire) - will add hutch and use as changing table
Chest (also from Munire collection)

Pack-n-Play by Chicco w/ bassinet & changer
Travel System by Chicco

Thanks to a very generous "down payment" (gift) for our nursery from you know who you are because I know you're reading this!!!!  :), we are going to purchase the crib, travel system & PNP for now.  Other furniture pieces and baby gear and BABY to follow!  I love putting this cart before the horse!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Oh, Santa . . .

Look at what Santa is putting in DH's stocking this year!

Santa wasn't sure whether he should get blue or pink, so he got both.  :)    Santa is AWESOME!

Baby Stuff

I'm all over a good deal.  When I saw these, I had to oblige myself our future child.

Seven Slings had a promo code to get this for free and only pay shipping & handling.  Why not?!

It also came with that cute pair of striped baby legs!

I also ordered this cute set from Car Seat Canopy using another promo code, paying only $35 + s/h for the "whole caboodle."

I'm not paid to share these companies, but I like their products and wanted to share them with you.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


In the past five years, I have made many online and IRL friends through online forums while planning our wedding, dealing with RPL, and battling IF.  Many of you are reading this right now and we have never met before.  However, I've made many wonderful, new friends in the past handful of years.

One of my newest friends is Jenn.  I met her through kimarino, who I met online years ago during RPL and IF.  While I've never met kimarino IRL, Jenn recently moved to Texas and we've had the chance to meet and develop a friendship. The first time we met, it was for a drug deal.  :)  Thankfully, I was able to give Jenn the leftover meds that my crusty eggs and bum ute wouldn't ever need again.   I hated for them to go to waste and was glad I found someone who needed them.

Usually when I meet complete strangers, I'm a bit nervous beforehand.  However, I was so excited to meet Jenn and we sat and ate and drank and chatted like old friends.  It was awesome.  We are so much alike - for those of you that know me personally, no comments please.  :)  As I walked in to the restaurant, I was greeted by my new friend bearing a bag full of this for me:

Isn't it awesome???  Our baby has a toy, a sleep sack (so cute!), some diapers, and wipies now!  Other than an outfit our friends gave us when we first found out we were pregnant, this is the first baby-related gift I've been given that didn't make me cry.  I can't begin to tell you how exciting it was!  So not only does our baby have some cool stuff now, but I have made a wonderful friend which is even better.  Love you Jenn!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

A New Side

As we are embarking upon adoption, I am seeing a new side of my husband that I've never seen before.  It's hard to explain.  My husband is very tender-hearted and sensitive but not overly demonstrative (even with me at times) with his feelings. You kind of have to know him to understand what I mean.  I'm quite the opposite.

However, he's changing now.  For example, him giving me a baby's room book that he'd bought a few years ago.  The things he's shared about becoming a parent.  Finding a baby puzzle on his amazon wishlist.  His feelings about me that have been shared with complete strangers.  Sharing his concerns about doing this and doing it "right." Describing his feelings and thoughts about parenting, knowing that he's actually thought of it.  The looks of fear/excitement/joy/apprehension in his eyes.  And then last night, I go in to his office and he's shopping online for baby stuff and researching it all for safety.  :)

Even though he can frustrate the crap out of me, I am so in love with my husband and I know that's just going to grow.  I just can't wait to see him as a Daddy.  He's going to be amazing.  It's going to be so hard but so rewarding.  Wow . . .

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Coming to you . . .

LIVE!!!!  The home study went just fine - we were on our best behavior as were the dogs.  The house was clean and my OCD/panic nature was quelled.  The SW told us before she left that she would have our official report completed before Christmas but would call the agency and let them know "there are no concerns and you are ready to be shown."  SQQQUUUUEEEEE!  (That's me making that sound that I can't stand.)

What's next?  We WAIT.

No problem.  We're good at that.  We've been waiting for almost five years, so we can wait a bit longer for OUR BABY.  No matter the wait, we are going to be parents!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW.

Thanks for all of the comments, love, emails, prayers, messages, etc.  They mean the world.  xox

Friday, December 16, 2011

Twas the Night Before Home Study

Twas the night before home study,
And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring
Especially my spouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that come next year another would be there.

The dogs were all snoring on couches and beds
While visions of destroying throw pillows danced in their heads.

With Pa looking at every single page of every damn catalog he could possibly find and his office a fire hazardous freaking disaster and his clean laundry on the dining room table and boxes out for no reason and stuff all over the kids' bathroom and papers everywhere and his shoes on the bed and piles of stuff all over and his paperwork not copied and ready I'm sure and . . . I digress . . .

With Pa hanging out and I very stressed,
There's no time for sleep, I'll just need to stay dressed.

When out from the house did not arise any clatter
Other than me running 'round sighing like nothing was the matter.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear
but a half-dressed husband getting himself a beer.

(Fine, it was a piece of chocolate & a nightcap not beer
I'm trying real hard to be poetic here.)

Away through the house I ran like a flash
Cleaning like a mad woman on a twenty-mile dash.

I sighed more and mumbled as I called him a name
Wishing he wasn't a male and driving me insane.

The house doesn't have to be perfect but give me a break
I'm going to take all his crap and burn it at the stake.

If xanax does the trick and helps me sleep like the dead
I can clean even more in the morning and not lose my damn head.

For tomorrow comes a home study with interviews out the ass
I just hope everything goes smoothly and that we pass.

And I heard myself exclaim as I lay down for the night,
"Clean yourself, house, please clean yourself right!"

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

T -72

In less than 72 hours, the social worker will be here for our home study.  Please keep us in your thoughts and your prayers on Saturday at 3:00pm CST while we lie our asses off (Who am I kidding?  Our references did that!)  while we show off our home and prove that we will be excellent parents to a baby!

EEEKKKK!!!  SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pardon me while I rush off to clean and organize and nest and . . . . . . . .

How did you know?

:: taps microphone::  Is anyone even reading this thing anymore??  Let me know you're out there if you are!
Someone posted a question on an adoption forum that I read asking, "At what point did you decide enough was enough?"  It took me an instant to respond.  Here is what I said:

"We tried for over four years to get pg. After three m/c, thousands upon thousands of dollars, six medicated cycles, three failed IUIs and one failed IVF, my body and my heart told me we were done. (gave her link to this blog for background) I had to deal with the grief that I will never carry and deliver a child because that is a biological need I have always felt. Honestly, I was not interested in even discussing adoption for a very long time while DH was ready from the beginning.

However, I now feel this amazing sense of hope and feel more than elated and comfortable that we ARE going to be parents. The biological aspect is such a minute part of what truly makes a family. When/if I lurk on the IF forums/boards, I often think about these poor girls that are so stressed out and putting their bodies and hearts through so much while I'm so excited about being a mommy!  I've even started shopping for baby stuff and can look at baby stuff without breaking into an emotional mess.

So . . . you may or may not just "know" when you're ready.  After our last cycle failed and I knew a bio child would not happen, I found a counselor through RESOLVE. I only met with her a couple of times, but all I needed to was to talk to someone who truly understood. Then, I was able to move forward.

Hope that doesn't all sound like a rambling mess, but I know in my heart and have faith that we will be parents soon and God has an amazing future for us and our family.  GL to you!"

Could we have tried IVF again?  Probably not.  I was on the strongest protocol available (i.e., most amount of medication one can take), and I didn't even produce one viable egg for retrieval.

Could we have gone with donor eggs?  Probably.  It was recommended by the RE.

So . . . why didn't we go with DE? I got to the point that I couldn't trust my body (still can't/don't). It hasn't worked for me time and time again, so I found it stupid to spend all that money and put all of my hope into something that my past history had shown probably wouldn't work. Now knowing what I know about my jacked (and soon to be removed) bum ute, I am so thankful that we didn't even make the attempt.

Don't know if I ever really discussed here as what got us to "that point" - the end of our TTC road. Feel free to ask me any questions that you have though.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Victor Maitland

I have a Victor Maitland.

See it?  Do you???  THAT, my friends, is the "Victor Maitland."  Freaking hormones breaking out my face like a teenager and/or Victor Maitland.  (In case you don't know recognize the name, it is from a character in the movie "Beverly Hills Cop.")

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

They're Here!

Our profile books arrived today!  We are getting closer & closer to becoming parents.  I cannot wait to meet our baby!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Name That Baby

Last night as DH and I were ready to go to sleep, we started talking about baby names.  I told him that we need to get some ideas together since we have no idea when our baby will come to us.

He is still saying that "Peristalsis Cleopatra Phoenix" is his girl name.  I could kill him even though I know he's joking, so I'm playing along with huge, hearty laughs for now.  Before falling asleep, I had DH yell her name.  From the bedroom DH's deep booming voice calls, "Peristalsis Cleopatra Phoenix _______ (last name), get in here!!!!!"  I almost pissed my pants.  I told him that name didn't work for me.  (Thank goodness.)

Then I had him call for my (fake) boy name, "Nebuchadnezzar Pertussis ______ (last name), hey NEBY, get in here!"  Crazyass thought it was cute.  I won't kill him in his sleep.  Then he calls, "Robitussin!"  Dear Lord in Heaven . . .

So, what have we gained from our second ever baby naming discussion?  This Mommy-to-be leans more towards the traditional while Daddy-to-be leans more towards non-traditional.  Being that both of us are educators, this could be a difficult process.

I have a solution - let me name our children.  Problem solved!  :)

Friday, December 2, 2011

Isn't It Ironic?

On my way home from work today, I stopped by an estate sale in my neighborhood.  As I entered the almost emptied-out home, standing before me was a HUGELY pregnant woman and her husband.  Like any good infertile would do, I walked the opposite direction.  Little did I know we would connect around the wall!

So, like any good infertile would do again, I tried to get around the very pregnant woman as she and her husband talked about "baby Benjamin" and how he really didn't need any free weights since they had some at the house.  Upon my pending escape before I vomited in my mouth a little, I found myself practically slammed against a wall where TWO books lay on a table.  This was on top:

I grabbed it and ran out of there, paying my $0.50 along the way.  Isn't it ironic?  I really do think . . .

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Like Old Home Week

I had my annual appointment with Dr. Terrific today, and it was like going home after a long time away.  Crazy enough, it was good to see everyone.  It had been so long!  Dr. T and Nurse Excellent were there but Nurse Amazing had the day off.  I'm sure she'll be sad she missed us (me & my ute).  Dr. T was his typical goofy self, talking half the time in some bastardized version of English/Irish he made up on the fly.  You just learn not to ask . . .  :)

I went in with my typical barrage of questions and concerns and need for Rx refills, and as always, everything was addressed.  My main concern was that my periods have become almost unbearable since our failed IVF.  Because you know I love TMI, my periods have lasted a week with massive bleeding and clotting and hellish cramps.  A super plus tampon is lucky to survive two hours during the three-day heavy part of my cycle.

Therefore, we are looking at a hysterectomy.  Since the Englishman doctor knows I don't need my uterus anymore, it's a good option because things will only get worse from here.  I'm doing my research, but a laparoscopic hysterectomy is most likely going to be the best solution.  A full hysterectomy that takes my uterus and ovaries but leaves the cervix intact.  Done by Dr. T and maybe a robot (who better not be English or Irish!).  And I'm okay with it.  Get rid of the bad shit and avoid ovarian cancer while rubbing on hormone cream or wearing a patch to get me fixed..  Considering my hormones are out of whack, why not?

I just thought this pic was great & wanted to include it!
After a short time with the "dick stick", aka vaginal u/s, it was determined that my bum ute is dealing with adenomyosis, endometriosis, and more fibroids.  (God bless America, don't look at the fibroid pics on that link. Gag!)  Dr. Terrific, in his worst accent of course, said, "By God, get that bloody piece of crap out 'a there!"  Geez - crazy dude.

Because of these issues, an endometrial ablation is probably not the best answer for me.  DH and I are talking about the best option for me/us and we'll make a decision soon, even though I think our decision is made.  It's just a timing issue at this point and I'll probably need to look at paying for more effing medical costs again.  (Poor baby might now get new nursery furniture - ha!)

But don't worry my dear followers and loves . . . my barren uterus will be more than barren, but it will continue here to ramble on and on and on.  You know, I'm gonna be a Mommy someday!  Woohoo!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Application complete & submitted - check!
Family Record Report complete & submitted - check!
Background Check - check!
Documentation - check!
Deposit - check!
Profile Book to print - check!
Marketing flier complete & submitted - check!
Marketing flier printed & laminated - to do
Floor plan of house - to do
Home study - scheduled!

We're almost there, my friends!


. . . and it's finally not too bad of a place to be . . .

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Almost There

I just emailed our "marketing flier" to the agency!  It was scary to hit send because I constantly second-guess my wording, panic that the computer changed my spelling & grammar, and worry that one line will be out of place.  Call it attention to detail or OCD - I don't care.  No matter what, DH and I are really proud of what we are presenting to potential birth mothers.

When talking to my dear friend Sarah (who is the mother of my lil' Goddaughter, Payton!) this morning, she asked, "Do you feel like a weight has been lifted?"  Her timing was impeccable, as I had just been thinking of the exact feelings this morning.  I feel like there has been a huge brick atop my heart for almost five years and it is finally cracked.  It's doubtful that brick will be lifted until we bring our baby home and begin to live as a family, but that brick is definitely lighter and different than ever before.

And it feels good . . .

Thursday, November 17, 2011

So Essited!

I know that it should be spelled EXCITED but some of you - we'll see who exactly - will get the joke!

Our marketing flier for the adoption agency is done!  I finished it tonight, uploaded it into a pdf, and will print and laminate copies this weekend.  I'm sending our profile book to print on Saturday, too.  As soon as both of those are in the hands of the agency, they can be in the hands of potential birth mothers.  We will then be LIVE with the agency!

This next week (while in the midst of preparing the house and cooking for our first Thanksgiving in our home) I will be organizing, cleaning out a BUNCH of stuff (sshhh - don't tell DH!), making trips to Goodwill & storage, getting the baby's room ready for future decorating, gathering final paperwork to submit, researching child care, confirming health insurance, and getting ready for our home study.  One benefit of adopting - I can still enjoy my wine while expecting.  :)

But before I digress, I shall sleep . . . for someday I will wish I had more of it!

Monday, November 14, 2011

And So It Begins

It's 3:00am.  You are in a deep sleep in your comfortable bed.  You've been asleep for hours and still have a couple of hours left before the alarm.  Sounds nice, huh?

Suddenly, you JOLT awake thinking, "OMG.  Child care!  Day care or home sitter?  I need to call "L" about her sitter.  Wonder if there is anyone in the neighborhood?  Who does J use?  Isn't there a new school opening near the house?  What about my work day care?  I have so much to do.  There's just so much."

::Cue random songs flying through my head along with a list of things to do that continues to grow like water on Gremlins.::   Sleep finally returns less than one hour before the alarm sounds.

Is this God's way of preparing me for Mommyhood?

Sunday, November 13, 2011


DH gave me this when I got home from work yesterday.  Poor guy said he bought it for me a few years ago and was glad we could use it now.  I can't wait for him to be a Daddy!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Agency Meeting #1

Last night, DH and I met with the adoption agency.  Our agency rep was awesome & shared with us every tiny detail of what the process is to adopt a baby.  Between all of the info, the constant talking of the rep & me, I can say that DH's eyes most likely rolled back into his head a few times or more during our 2.5 hour meeting.  We learned that both of the agency owners and I are sorority sisters.  If you know DH personally, you'll know how much that thrilled him.  ;)

Both DH and I passed our background checks (whew!).  We submitted our application, family record report, documentation of various things (DL, SS cards, birth certs, insurance, etc.), and paid our down payment.  We still have a few documents to submit - marriage license, divorce decree from DH's practice marriage, floor plan of house - before a baby can actually come home with us.  The agency is waiting to receive our references.  Our profile book will be finished when I add photos of our home and some nursery ideas.  We'll take that information and create a flier about us which can be given to potential BMs.  (**new acronym alert**)   In the meantime, we can schedule our home study which will take place in the next couple of weeks.  (Can you say CLEAN & organize?????)

Within the next week or two, the agency will be presenting us to potential BMs and we can look forward to becoming parents in the near future.  A match and/or placement could be anywhere between two days and two years, but typical time is around six to ten months.

It all seems like it's moving so fast right now, so I know the wait for our baby will feel extra long!  The amount of love and support we've already received from family and friends is amazing.  We are so excited and very happy with our decision and where we are right now.  What a change it is.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

P . A . P . E . R . W . O . R . K.


There is lots & lots of paperwork being completed in the House of Ramblers tonight.  Our first in-person meeting with the adoption agency.  My goal - if I'm lucky - is to have all of our application paperwork complete and documentation provided - so we can hand over all the paperwork, our profile book, and deposit!

This whole becoming parents thing might actually happen!  It's just so WEIRD.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Crazy Little Thing Called Hope

Can't believe I bought this today.  I had no clue what brand to buy, but I knew that newborn size was correct!

The adoption agency said to start preparing, so I am.  EEEKKK!!!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Please Help Us

This is Pippin and Steve.  We found our Mom's blog and learned how to type with our paws.  We are ready to share.  We think it's time for a human baby around the house.  Can you please help????

I might be as sweet as a banana split, but I'm only dressed like this because of my Mom.

I refuse to even look at the camera.

Nagging Feelings

I've been surrounded more than usual lately by many wonderful friends that are blessed to be pregnant or having babies.  I'm happy for them because I truly know what a miracle pregnancy and childbirth can be.  Yet, I have also been feeling a little more down than usual about the fact that I will never be pregnant or give birth to a child.  Then it hit me . . .

Had our IVF cycle been successful, we would have a baby now.  Oh well.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Why, Hello

I know that I've been absent from bloggy land for a while.  Sorry if you've been waiting with bated breath for my return.  As I told you in August, my brother was in the hospital.  And he STILL is there.  Thank God he is going to live, but he is still in the hospital trying to heal and regain strength.  Thanks for you prayers.  It's okay to keep them coming.

Work (school) has been so incredibly busy for me.  Between teaching a new grade level and meetings and changes and everything else happening, I am SPENT.  I am blessed to have such an amazing DH who understands that I'm exhausted from work, hospital visits/time, and my commute.  After all of that, I spent a few waking moments with him as I can.

On the baby front . . . we are still not parents . . . yet.  After we finally complete the mounds of paperwork for adoption, we will officially sign with an agency, get background checks, fingerprints, homestudy, and THEN be ready to become family.

That's all we want.


October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today I remember ours and yours.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Urgent Prayers Please

I posted on my other blog that my brother and our family need your prayers right now.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

You Know You're . . .

You know you're a habitual aborter and infertile when you clean out some of your hidden "baby stash" and find FIVE CANS and three travel packs of expired formula.  Oops.  I sincerely apologize to the starving infants of third-world countries.

Next up: expired medications filling the refrigerator drawers.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Article: When Enough is Enough

RESOLVE has posted a wonderful article for anyone struggling with IF and wondering when that elusive end-point will be.  It discusses how treatments take over your lives, the emotional roller coasters, anger, isolation from family and friends, and the toll it can take on a marriage.  Hope vs. time . . . the constant tug-of-war . . . is discussed before the article talks about moving on from treatments and deciding what to do from there.

Even if you aren't struggling with IF, it is a good read to help you understand what your loved ones may experience along their road to family.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Reason

This explains the past 4 years and four months of my life.   Thanks for sharing it, S.  You are one of the ones who know it, too.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Do you hear that?

I know you're used to the sound of chirping crickets around here lately.  Honestly, I don't have much to say these days.  Don't worry, I'm not living in a hole underground somewhere or anything extra weird like that.  When you aren't TTC (it's kinda difficult to create a baby when you have no eggs) then a fertility/infertility blog becomes a place where there isn't much to say!  Add in a much-needed summer vacation, and our focus is elsewhere.

It's been hard - REALLY hard - and I'm still not completely through it all.  It's just a weird place to be in these days after being hard-core focused on procreating for over four years.  It's also difficult to be in a holding pattern dead standstill while everyone around you (fertile & non-fertile alike) continues to get pregnant, have babies, and repeat the process more than once while we wait for just ONE.  Just one tiny, little baby . . .

However, we are not finished in our quest for family.  Currently looking into adoption and/or donor eggs, there are definite options out there to help us become more than just a Mr. & Mrs. with two dogs.  I've been working through my grief and frustration in knowing that my DNA stops here.  There will be more counseling once we makes some decisions about where to go from here.  In one way, it's relieving.  In another, it's scary as hell.

I'm used to scary as hell, so we'll keep moving forward.  Don't be a stranger (i.e. say hi & let me know you were here!), and I'll be back to rambling away in no time!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Father's Day

Oh, Father's Day Smather's Day.  Yet another year that my crappy body doesn't allow my husband to be a father.  Hopefully the huge bottle of bourbon from the dogs helps to take the sting out of it for him.  Better than an ugly tie - maybe.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


I had an OB/gyn once tell me that I had PMDD.  I don't believe him.  He must've caught me on a bad day or something.  I'm really just a crazy, emotional, psychotic bitch no matter what time of the month it is.

- Deep Thoughts by kekis

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

IF-Free Zone

I oftentimes finding myself in a debate with my own self:
"Do I post _____ on my FR blog or on our blog?"
"Should _____ be on my FR blog?"  
 "Nah, maybe I should post _____ on our blog instead."  
"I shouldn't post _____ on our blog.  Someone might be uncomfortable (gasp!)."
               "Should I post this on any blog or just shut up?"

Not much (okay, nothing) is happening in our IF journey right now other than some discussions, so I haven't had much to say anyway.  Well, thanks to the awesome Keiko, she gave me the reminder that I can post whatever I want, wherever I want, whenever I want.  She has an "IF-Free Zone" label on her blog, and I'm going to so the same.  Her explanation is better than I could share, so give it a read.

Sometimes it gets old having to talk about IF and listening about IF all the time.  Thanks, Keiko!

Prayers Needed

Your prayers are needed for the daughter of a fellow infertile. I "met" Lindsey on an online infertility forum a couple of years ago when becoming a family was simply a dream for both of us. The dream that Lindsey and her husband, Alex, had finally came true with the birth of their pretty daughter Kate a little over nine months ago.

Precious little Kate was diagnosed on Monday with Congenital Amegakaryocytic Thrombocytopenia, a failure in the genetic makeup of her bone marrow.  She is going to require a complete bone marrow transplant ASAP. This would undoubtedly shatter any parents to the core, but Lindsey & Alex are prepared for battle to help their daughter.

Infertility sucks.  For many, the pain is eased into joy with the birth of a child.  But to overcome IF and then find yourself in yet another battle - one that involves the life of your child? That's beyond unfair.

More information and details will be coming on Lindsey & Alex's blog, but you can begin by including Kate in your fervent prayers. Share her story with you family, friends, and church groups. Ask them to pray. Let us blanket this family in prayer for as long as they need it. You and others you know can register with the National Marrow Donor Program. Help however you feel led, but let's all do something.

Include this button on your blog, and ask your readers to pray.

We're Finally Three

To include this linkable pic on your blog or website, simply paste this code  into the HTML of your site and replace the red asterisks with < and > for the opening and closing asterisks.

*a href="" target="_blank"*  *img alt="We're Finally Three" src=""/*

Saturday, May 14, 2011

30 Day Blog Challenge

Uhhhh . . . yeah . . . the 30 day blog challenge.  I'm still doing it.  I'm just not doing it for 30 days in a row.  :)  Let us get over being sick at the same time & through the rest of the school year, and I'll get back to it.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Interesting . . .

I saw a friend posted this as her FB status today: "One reason we struggle with insecurity:  We're comparing our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel."

That loaded statement now has me thinking of how it applies to me, to us, to our family (and lack thereof).  Our behind the scenes is what matters.  Mr. & Mrs. Rambler, in our home - our lives - our relationship - that's what matters to us.  Everything else (including having children) is just added footage to our story.  It's sometimes hard to remember that when we are in the throes of tragedy, difficulty, frustration, grief, stress, etc.  Day-to-day existence takes our eyes away from the "prize" whatever it may be.  We all know our "prize" and the importance of focusing on that.

Forget the insecurity that is bred from comparing our current selves to others.  Everyone has a few different people within one - the wife, the worker, the infertile, the online friend, the IRL friend, the patient, the daughter, the sister, the aunt, and more.  There are many hats we all wear as our individual selves.  So, in the end, what really matters?  That is what we need to remember.  And I work every day to remind myself of that.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Blogaversary!

Today is the THIRD Blogaversary of these Fertile Ramblings!   The irony of our blogaversary being the same day as Mother's Day is not lost on me.  Some of you are celebrating your moms, some are missing your moms, some are celebrating as moms, and some are hating today because we aren't moms.  Most of us are doing a combination of two or more of those.

I swear that I was wished a "Happy Mother's Day" by every damn Tom, Dick, Harry and their wives, cousins and friends EVERY single place I went yesterday.  Seriously?  Just because I am tired, fat, and wearing a wedding ring doesn't mean I'm a mom.  I came home and told Mr. Rambler that I wondered how people would react if I responded with, "Oh, EFF Mother's Day!"  (insert evil, cheeky laugh)  I'll chalk that response up in the same column as kicking stupid people in the head and proper society's other unacceptable reactions to dumb shit.

Thanks for being along this shitty, interesting, boring, unfun, ridiculous, tragic, stupid, frustrating, terrible rambling ride with me for the past few years.  No telling what the years ahead will bring (believe me, I have not a clue), but I appreciate all of you being along the ride with us.

It's finally time for me to shut up so we can celebrate!  Have some cake - as much as you like - and celebrate today's blogaversary with whatever you're doing today.  Oh, and don't forget the wine!!!!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

In Case You Didn't Know

It costs a LOT more to not have a baby than it does to have one.  Hope you enjoyed that insightful PSA.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 2

10 years from now . . .  That's such a loaded one for me!  If you would've asked me ten years ago what I'd be doing in ten years, I would've given you the white picket fence treatment.  Funny how life doesn't go as you plan.

Where I see us ten years from now is happy, content, one to two children (by some means), busy, DH working as a principal, and I'm sure I'll still be stuck in the classroom teaching. 

We will still have some furry entertainment (though the thought of Steve & Pippin gone makes me want to crawl in a hole & die).  Some improvements to the house will have been made - complete kitchen redo, new cabinets & countertops in the bathrooms, maybe a new addition to the house.

I worry so much about losing loved ones that I try not to look too far into the future.  Our jobs are secure.  Our relationship is secure.  Our family is amazing.  Our pets are awesome.

Bottom line is that in 10 years, I want us to be living the life that we are meant to live and living it to its fullest.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Infertility from A to Z

A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 39

B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex

C - Children Wanted: 2

D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: 2 dogs at home, 7 nieces and 3 nephews at their homes

E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: I take a prenatalvitamin, vitamin D, COQ10, POM, bromelin

F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: Femara, Menopur, Progesterone, Gonal-F, Lupron, PNV, folic acid, dexamethasone, aspirin, and probably some others I don't remember.

G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: Besides a bunch of weight and a broken heart?  Hhhmmm . . .

H - HSG: Yes

I - Infertile Pet Peeve: People who open their fat mouths without knowing anything about IF.  Just STFU if you don't know what you're talking about please.

J - Job Title: Teacher

K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: At age 43, most are gone & I refuse to share my ideas just in case. 

L - Lengh of Time TTC: over 4 years

M - Miscarriages: 3

N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: 2

O - Ovarian Quality: My ovaries are fine but basically depleted of any eggs

P - POAS or Wait for AF: Nothing like peeing on everything you can.

Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: You don't really want kids, do you?!  I'd do anything to sleep in just one day.

S - Sperm: I don't have any.  DH has plenty.

T - Time you Tried Naturally: over 1 year

U - Uterus Quality: Still there and bleeds like a mother every 28 days.

V - Vagina: Surprisingly hasn't died after all the surgeries, u/s, AFs and TTC.

W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: I'd have to go look at everything hidden under the bed & I refuse to do that.  I know we have a couple of outfits, bottles, formula, diaper bag, formula bag, nursing cover, maternity clothes & more

X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Practically everyone.

Y - Yearly Exam: Always.

Z - Zits: Think I may just get back on the pill so my skin will clear up.  It's been AWFUL except for when I was doing IVF meds.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


My friend Jen posted this on her Facebook tonight, and it made so much sense - a sense that only those who have lost a baby could understand.

"A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn't happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had.

But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know." 

~ Barbara Kingsolver (Animal Dreams)

Do you remember?  I do - 3 years & 4 months, 3 years & 1 month, and 2 years & 4 months.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Because Everyone's Doing It

Yeah, I know . . . "If everyone jumped off a building, would you do it, too?"  The answer is maybe.  Guess it would depend on who is jumping.  :)

I first saw the 30 Days of Blogging challenege on Susan's blog.  Since then, everyone else seems to be doing it as well.  So, yes, I am jumping off a bloggy building with everyone.  Deal with it. 

Why don't you join us and do it too?!  Feel free to borrow my list and post it on your blog.  Let me know if you are taking the challenge by leaving a comment and/or linking back here, so we all can read your ramblings.

Day 1: My Current Relationship

This is easy.  I'm married to Mr. Rambler.  We've been married for four years and ten days.  We dated for almost 3 1/2 years before we married.  We shacked for a little over 2 of those years.  I went into the ugly cry when he proposed.  He's almost 6'4".  I mean, what am I really supposed to write?  Guess I better do some digging.

My DH is a man of such strong character.  He always does the right thing because it's the right thing to do.  He is by no means perfect, but he is perfect for me.  He is patient with me.  Sometimes he even thinks I'm funny (which I AM!).  He is very tender-hearted whether it always shows or not.  He LOVES Christmas.  It's all I can do to keep him away from the Christmas decor until Thanksgiving is over.  The love he shows for our pets is amazing.  I know that he will be a good father, and I hope and pray that happens.  Not only do I want a baby/family, he does as well.  I cannot wait to see him as a Daddy.  I could cry just thinking about it.

So, as I bring this ramble to a close, my current relationship is my relationship with my husband.  This is something I cherish more than anything in the world.  We are a family.  DH, me, Pippin & Steve.  We hope to enlarge that family - some way, some how.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Making Us Stronger

I found this on Marc & Angel's Hack Life Blog.  It came at a good time as I'm dealing with some anxiety coupled with snippets of grief about life and IF.  The blog post shares some very good points of "harsh truths" that many of us have learned (sometimes the hard way), need to learn, or will learn.

It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more manhood (or womanhood) to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.
- Alex Karras

16 Harsh Truths that Make Us Stronger

  1. Life is not easy. – Hard work makes people lucky – it’s the stuff that brings dreams to reality.  So start every morning ready to run farther than you did yesterday and fight harder than you ever have before.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
  2. You will fail sometimes.  – The faster you accept this, the faster you can get on with being brilliant.  You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work.  So get out there and do something!  Either you succeed or you learn a vital lesson.  Win – Win.
  3. Right now, there’s a lot you don’t know. – The day you stop learning is the day you stop living.  Embrace new information, think about it and use it to advance yourself.
  4. There may not be a tomorrow. – Not for everyone.  Right now, someone on Earth is planning something for tomorrow without realizing they’re going to die today.  This is sad but true.  So spend your time wisely today and pause long enough to appreciate it.
  5. There’s a lot you can’t control. – Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation.  Invest your energy in the things you can control.
  6. Information is not true knowledge. – Knowledge comes from experience.  You can discuss a task a hundred times, but these discussions will only give you a philosophical understanding.  You must experience a task firsthand to truly know it.
  7. You can’t be successful without providing value. – Don’t waste your time trying to be successful, spend your time creating value.  When you’re valuable to the world around you, you will be successful.  (ReadLinchpin: Are You Indispensable?)
  8. Someone else will always have more than you.  – Whether it’s money, friends or magic beans that you’re collecting, there will always be someone who has more than you.  But remember, it’s not how many you have, it’s how passionate you are about collecting them.  It’s all about the journey.
  9. You can’t change the past. – As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  You can’t change what happened, but you can change how you react to it.
  10. The only person who can make you happy is you. – The root of your happiness comes from your relationship with yourself.  Sure external entities can have fleeting effects on your mood, but in the long run nothing matters more than how you feel about who you are on the inside.
  11. There will always be people who don’t like you. – You can’t be everything to everyone.  No matter what you do, there will always be someone who thinks differently.  So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right.  What others think and say about you isn’t all that important.  What is important is how you feel about yourself.
  12. You won’t always get what you want. – As Mick Jagger once said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.”  Look around.  Appreciate the things you have right now.  Many people aren’t so lucky.
  13. In life, you get what you put in. – If you want love, give love.  If you want friends, be friendly.  If you want money, provide value.  It really is this simple.  (Read The Four Agreements.)
  14. Good friends will come and go. – Most of your high school friends won’t be a part of your college life.  Most of your college friends won’t be a part of your 20-something professional life.  Most of your 20-something friends won’t be there when your spouse and you bring your second child into the world.  But some friends will stick.  And it’s these friends – the ones who transcend time with you – who matter.
  15. Doing the same exact thing every day hinders self growth. – If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Growth happens when you change things – when you try new things – when you stretch beyond your comfort zone.
  16. You will never feel 100% ready for something new. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means you won’t feel totally comfortable or ready for it.
And remember, trying to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.  Strength comes from being comfortable in your own skin.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Update on Refund

I sent a very concise and curt, yet polite, email to the office manager and medical director (Dr. S) of my former IVF clinic this morning.  In making my point I *may* have mentioned something about my attorney and the Better Business Bureau.  Dr. S did mention in an email forwarded to my by their administrative offices that they "do not need any negative publicity."

Miraculously enough, our check was cut this morning.  That, and Dr. S must know I have a big mouth.  :)

Saturday, April 9, 2011

A New Look & a Bad Attitude

If you are using a reader, you won't be able to see what I've done, so open it up to check it out!  I decided that this old, rusty blog needed a new look.  Hope your eyes can handle it better than the last one I had.

Other than that, I am past the point of upset with Dr. S' office.  If you can remember back to December of last year (yes, that would four months ago in 2010), our IVF never happened.  We still have yet to see our refund of monies.  My bad attitude about it all will be thrown on paper in a few moments and sent to Ms. K and Dr. S..  If a check for close to $10K isn't in my hands by Wednesday, I will be forced to contact my attorney and the BBB.  We want our money back NOW.  It's bad enough that we don't have a baby, but to take our money . . . this is ridiculous.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My FIRST Baby!

Our precious boy.
Seven years ago today, my (then) boyfriend & now DH, brought home a tote bag from work.  His dog, Mackey, was very interested in that bag and began to sniff it and check it out.  Soon after, a tiny white puppy peeked out his head to meet his new brother.

I received a call at my house from my then boyfriend (this was before we were living in sin) telling me he "had a surprise."  I instantly knew what that meant.  "You got that puppy, didn't you?" I asked, wondering why in God's green Earth someone would want TWO dogs.  :)

I went over to what is now our house to meet this teensy little fellow named Steve.  He was PRECIOUS - a tiny, white, curious, sweet smelling boy with razor sharp teeth and deadly sharp claws.  My heart changed from that day on  A love for this sweet boy that I could not describe developed so quickly and intensely.  (For the record, I was falling in love with my future husband, too - ha!)  Steve and his mom had an instant bond that continues today.  With my heart so full, I can ONLY begin to imagine the kind of love a mother has for her human child.  It may sound crazy, but that's the kind of dog mom I am.

My precious baby dog was a funny, silly, naughty, crazy, energetic, sweet boy then just as he is today.  Except now his 122 pound body is a little heavier at age 7 than it was as a handful of pounds at 4.5 weeks!

Happy "Gotcha" Day, Steve.  I love you, my "tiny manz."

Steve at school with his new Dad, just before coming home for the first time.

Mom & Baby Stevie - LOVE at first sight!
Mackey (who was about 35 lbs. then) with Steve - now over 120 lbs.!

"A bath?  I just got here!" (cue sad eyes) Love the soap beard!
I loved to climb my Mom and gnaw on her tasty hair.

I could finally reach the tall food bowl.  I was now a big boy!

Get Swagbucks!

I use for all of my internet searches & redeem those bucks for Amazon gift cards. Great way to get things I want (babies not included) for nothing! :) Search & Win


Help Out Each Day with Just One Click!

The Animal Rescue Site The Breast Cancer Site The Literacy Site
The Hunger Site The Child Health Site The Rainforest Site

Get Ready for Blogaversary Cake!

Get your own free Blogoversary button!

How Many Have Heard These Ramblings?

How Many Have Heard These Ramblings?