Pregnancy Dreams

I've had pg-related dreams the past two nights. In the first dream, a former student of mine (who let's say I didn't "care for") came to me on the side of the road and asked me to get a pregnant woman some ice. I remember seeing an old model VW bug, so maybe she was in there. I ran into a hole-in-the-wall cafe/greasy spoon and asked for a cup with ice, even though I already knew they didn't give anything away including ice. Don't know if she ever got her request fulfilled.

Last night I had a dream that I got a bfp. However, the hpt was funky looking - oval in shape with clear, blue plastic casing around the whole thing. It had a line on it, and I knew I was pg, but I couldn't tell anyone. I remember that I was out in public - a trendy bar w/ a public restroom, parking lot, maybe a mall type place, & near a stadium. I carried the blue + hpt around in my pocket just dying to tell all. I did keep pulling it out of my pocket and checking it.

Weird. Joke's on me, huh?

Show & Tell

This week's Show & Tell is very special to me. It's a photograph taken tonight of me with my grandmother (Mary) and my mom. Three generations - we like taking those photos.

My DH and I had my grandparents and my mom & her husband over for dinner tonight. I can pretty much guarantee that it will be the last time that we are all together in our house. You see, Mary has cancer. That's not the surprising part - she's had cancer for 28 years. You wouldn't know by looking at her how sick she really is. She's a beautiful woman - always has been!

The bad part is that the cancer is winning now. It's heartbreaking to see her in pain, tired, and withering away to nothing. The worst part is that there isn't a damn thing that any of us can do about it.

We had a wonderful dinner (thanks to me!), drinks, and dessert. Mary ate more than I've seen her eat in a long time. I'd cook up a storm every meal and take it to her if I knew she'd eat like that every time. Mary lasted at least three hours, which is a long time for her these days. It was such a special time with us all being together, and I wish it could've last forever.

Unfortunately for my part, there will only be these three generations, not four. How disappointing. My children would really need to know their great grandmother (known by the other kids as "Mary the Great"!). I will have to share all of those memories and stories and strength from my grandmother with them.

Obviously I've learned that there are no guarantees, and life is one of them. We love you, Mary.

Whatever.

This is a phrase I use when I give up or I'm tired or I just don't care.

I think I ovulated yesterday. Timing wasn't so great. Whatever. You figure out what it means.

Oh, and I'm sick & tired of seeing pregnant ladies (uh, that aren't me) and babies everywhere. Now I'm done. Whatever again.

Show & Tell: This Being a Mom Thing is Hard!

Today's Show & Tell is a little like a confession. I'm sure that many of you don't know that I'm already a mom. I have two daughters and two sons. There are sixteen legs running around this house on a constant basis. One cat + three dogs = sixteen legs of my kids! Okay, okay . . . so they're feline and canine kids, but they are my babies. Seriously.

My youngest is Steve, our lab/pit mix baby dog. We rescued him at 4.5 weeks, so Stevie pretty much thinks (knows!) I am his only mother. And I am. :) Well, my big baby (now age 4) had surgery on Thursday. For the show part of today's S&T, you can see pictures & read more about it all in my other blog. Steve came home from the vet hospital yesterday, and he is a heartbreaking, pathetic, little sight. He went through some pretty major surgery and is in a good amount of pain & discomfort. Being his mom and all, I decided to sleep on the couch next to the palette that I made for him on the floor.

Through last night, I learned a teeny bit what it's like to be a mom. We didn't get to sleep until around 3:00am, and we were up every hour or hour and a half to potty, get water, take meds, check on him, receive licks, etc. I am absolutely wiped out today after less than five interrupted hours of sleep.

That's okay, though. It is worth it for my baby now, and the rough nights will be worth it for my human babies too. I better get some sleep before that happens, though!

Take What We Can Get for Now

A friend of mine shared a really great site through GoogleReader. It's a great site for those of us with barren uterii (no kids) and designed especially for aunts, great aunts, godmothers, etc..

It's Savvy Auntie! That's me - I'm an aunt. The site has just recently gotten up and running and is in its beta version. Categories include "Dear Savvy Auntie" (advice column), "Going Out" (tips for taking out the nieces & nephews), "Special Needs Aunt's Getting Started Guide" (for aunts with extra-special kids in their lives), and more!

No, it's not a mommy site, but it's a site I can use for now. Until I get pg/jump the broom/kill the rabbit/get to use the mommy site of course!

I Did Something, but I Didn't Do the Other Thing

I did something . . . I held a newborn baby girl today. (Welcome Ella!) But I didn't do the other thing . . . I didn't think of ways to run from the hospital with her! :)

The best part was watching DH hold her. He's such a big guy that the baby just looked like he was enjoying a Chipotle burrito! I told him that in nine months everyone needs to come visit US and OUR BABY in the hospital. We'll see . . . guess we need to get to work!

Have I covered everything?

Okay . . . so once AF reared her ugly, red-headed slut face, I got busy. And I don't mean bizzay. ;)

• I finished painting the interior of the house.
• I got my hairs highlit.
• I got drunk - at least once. :)
• I ate sushi, deli meat & hot dogs.
• I slept on my stomach - every night!
• I took meds considered non-safe for pg.
• I changed the cat's box.
• I drove over the speed limit (as usual).
• I moved heavy furniture.

Did I cover everything? What else do I need to check off the damn list so I can get a damn BFP? I can get drunk again and eat funky meat again if necessary, but I will NOT paint the house anymore. (Good thing since there's nothing left inside this house to paint.)

Hhhhmmmmm . . . maybe spraying some pesticides or jumping out of an airplane? Better yet, what if I become a crackwhore welfare-recipient? Now THAT will get me pg!

Fine. I'll stop. I'm just being ugly now. I don't want to be a crackwhore in case you were worried. I simply want a baby. And we're getting desperate here. tick tock tick tock tick tock

Entertainment for the Weary

I'm the Weary, and I've found some entertainment.

A fellow blogger, Kelsey, turned me on to a great website that collects the most popular and frequently used words in your blog writings or on any other site that has a feed. You can then customize it however you like - color, layout, words, font. I've added my Wordle to my blog at the bottom. I have one on my other blog, too. (Apparently I use the word "shit" in this blog much more than my other!) The only downside of Wordle right now is that it doesn't have the capability to update as you update, so I'll have to do that myself. I think it's pretty cool and fun to do.

Wordle out!

This is Getting Old

BFN. And I really, really, really thought this might be "the one". Even though it's my summer vacation, I've been a dutiful little TTC soldier and getting up at 7am every morning to temp. I've been charting like a madwoman, noting all symptoms, etc.

As of this morning, spotting has begun and my temp took a nose dive. It's still above the coverline but the red-headed evil slut is on her way. I know she is.

I've seriously had major symptoms, so much so that DH was beginning to think I was pg too. I've been so bloated that I can only wear a couple of pairs of my pants. My boobs have gotten bigger/fuller - if that's even possible. Smells have gotten to me. Nausea. Dizziness. Thirstiness. Excess saliva. Headaches. Heartburn. As gross as it is, I've even thrown up in my mouth a few times. With all of that not only did I think, "Hhhmmm . . . maybe I really am pregnant." I also decided that the nausea and mini-vomits might have meant some good m/s and a viable pg was ahead of us.

I just remember the RE's statement as it resounds through my head, "Six months to you is not like six months to a 25 year old." He told me this three months ago. As much as I know my body is quickly running out of time to produce a baby, that reminder is beginning to ring more true every day. Not only am I a little frustrated, I'm started to get scared. Not a good mix. It's the kind of mix that brings out only two responses in me - fight like hell or retreat completely. There are no gray areas for me when I'm backed into a corner like this. We've been on the TTC journey for 17 months now and I'm getting really tired.

How much more are we supposed to take? Where do we go from here? Do we try one more time, hoping that there is hope? Do I head back to the RE and expect to walk into his office to see him expectantly wielding a dildo-cam in one hand and a turkey baster in the other? Is that even a guarantee? And if we see the RE, how the hell are we supposed to pay for it? We honestly do not have the money to pay for what is ahead of us. How do we make these decisions now?

I'm getting ready to put down my war gear and give up the fight. God, this is getting really old.

Show & Tell

This is S&T "druggie style". As I was doing the weekly setup of my pill boxes (a.k.a. my drug lab), I thought, "Wow, I take a lot of pills." I feel like an old grandma!!!

As a woman who is AMA, homozygous MTHFR, hypertensive, a survivor of 3 prior losses, & who is TTC again, I definitely got me some drugs to take each day. Fortunately (or should it be unfortunately?), they are all legal and with authorized prescriptions. So here they are - in all their glory:

Man, I need to find a decent Show & Tell for next week! These are getting desperately sad. :)

Why Baby-Related Companies Suck for Us

The Busted Babymaker reminded me in her blog how out-of-it many baby-related companies are. I commented her blog, and I'll say it here as well because I'm sure she and I aren't the only ones.

I do not need any more cans of formula, coupons, diapers, free photo sessions, baby magazine subscriptions, baby food, health plans, congratulations & more for my non-existent babies. When/if I finally do have a baby, I'll make sure not to buy anything from these companies.

Even the stupid photo studio that I so politely emailed to be removed from their list is dumb. While they removed my information from their database, they bought yet another list that had my name on it somehow for another one of my dead babies. I only emailed them the first time. They, in so many words, replied saying they were sorry about my dead babies but maybe we'd like a free photo session of just us. Good idea. Let's get a shot of the two of us so we can always look back at it an say, "Gosh, remember that time in our life. After we lost three babies. I'm so glad we had that photo session." Seriously.

So, baby-related companies, get your shit together. As much money as you make from all of the mothers with babies out there, you'd think they could afford to maintain a more compassionate, thoughtful database. Think about it. Lots of us really hate you. And you deserve it.