Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Last night I had a dream that I got a bfp. However, the hpt was funky looking - oval in shape with clear, blue plastic casing around the whole thing. It had a line on it, and I knew I was pg, but I couldn't tell anyone. I remember that I was out in public - a trendy bar w/ a public restroom, parking lot, maybe a mall type place, & near a stadium. I carried the blue + hpt around in my pocket just dying to tell all. I did keep pulling it out of my pocket and checking it.
Weird. Joke's on me, huh?
Sunday, July 27, 2008
My DH and I had my grandparents and my mom & her husband over for dinner tonight. I can pretty much guarantee that it will be the last time that we are all together in our house. You see, Mary has cancer. That's not the surprising part - she's had cancer for 28 years. You wouldn't know by looking at her how sick she really is. She's a beautiful woman - always has been!
The bad part is that the cancer is winning now. It's heartbreaking to see her in pain, tired, and withering away to nothing. The worst part is that there isn't a damn thing that any of us can do about it.
We had a wonderful dinner (thanks to me!), drinks, and dessert. Mary ate more than I've seen her eat in a long time. I'd cook up a storm every meal and take it to her if I knew she'd eat like that every time. Mary lasted at least three hours, which is a long time for her these days. It was such a special time with us all being together, and I wish it could've last forever.
Unfortunately for my part, there will only be these three generations, not four. How disappointing. My children would really need to know their great grandmother (known by the other kids as "Mary the Great"!). I will have to share all of those memories and stories and strength from my grandmother with them.
Obviously I've learned that there are no guarantees, and life is one of them. We love you, Mary.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I think I ovulated yesterday. Timing wasn't so great. Whatever. You figure out what it means.
Oh, and I'm sick & tired of seeing pregnant ladies (uh, that aren't me) and babies everywhere. Now I'm done. Whatever again.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
My youngest is Steve, our lab/pit mix baby dog. We rescued him at 4.5 weeks, so Stevie pretty much thinks (knows!) I am his only mother. And I am. :) Well, my big baby (now age 4) had surgery on Thursday. For the show part of today's S&T, you can see pictures & read more about it all in my other blog. Steve came home from the vet hospital yesterday, and he is a heartbreaking, pathetic, little sight. He went through some pretty major surgery and is in a good amount of pain & discomfort. Being his mom and all, I decided to sleep on the couch next to the palette that I made for him on the floor.
Through last night, I learned a teeny bit what it's like to be a mom. We didn't get to sleep until around 3:00am, and we were up every hour or hour and a half to potty, get water, take meds, check on him, receive licks, etc. I am absolutely wiped out today after less than five interrupted hours of sleep.
That's okay, though. It is worth it for my baby now, and the rough nights will be worth it for my human babies too. I better get some sleep before that happens, though!
Friday, July 18, 2008
It's Savvy Auntie! That's me - I'm an aunt. The site has just recently gotten up and running and is in its beta version. Categories include "Dear Savvy Auntie" (advice column), "Going Out" (tips for taking out the nieces & nephews), "Special Needs Aunt's Getting Started Guide" (for aunts with extra-special kids in their lives), and more!
No, it's not a mommy site, but it's a site I can use for now. Until I get pg/jump the broom/kill the rabbit/get to use the mommy site of course!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
The best part was watching DH hold her. He's such a big guy that the baby just looked like he was enjoying a Chipotle burrito! I told him that in nine months everyone needs to come visit US and OUR BABY in the hospital. We'll see . . . guess we need to get to work!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
- I finished painting the interior of the house.
- I got my hairs highlit.
- I got drunk - at least once. :)
- I ate sushi, deli meat & hot dogs.
- I slept on my stomach - every night!
- I took meds considered non-safe for pg.
- I changed the cat's box.
- I drove over the speed limit (as usual).
- I moved heavy furniture.
Hhhhmmmmm . . . maybe spraying some pesticides or jumping out of an airplane? Better yet, what if I become a crackwhore welfare-recipient? Now THAT will get me pg!
Fine. I'll stop. I'm just being ugly now. I don't want to be a crackwhore in case you were worried. I simply want a baby. And we're getting desperate here. tick tock tick tock tick tock
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
A fellow blogger, Kelsey, turned me on to a great website that collects the most popular and frequently used words in your blog writings or on any other site that has a feed. You can then customize it however you like - color, layout, words, font. I've added my Wordle to my blog at the bottom. I have one on my other blog, too. (Apparently I use the word "shit" in this blog much more than my other!) The only downside of Wordle right now is that it doesn't have the capability to update as you update, so I'll have to do that myself. I think it's pretty cool and fun to do.
Monday, July 7, 2008
As of this morning, spotting has begun and my temp took a nose dive. It's still above the coverline but the red-headed evil slut is on her way. I know she is.
I've seriously had major symptoms, so much so that DH was beginning to think I was pg too. I've been so bloated that I can only wear a couple of pairs of my pants. My boobs have gotten bigger/fuller - if that's even possible. Smells have gotten to me. Nausea. Dizziness. Thirstiness. Excess saliva. Headaches. Heartburn. As gross as it is, I've even thrown up in my mouth a few times. With all of that not only did I think, "Hhhmmm . . . maybe I really am pregnant." I also decided that the nausea and mini-vomits might have meant some good m/s and a viable pg was ahead of us.
I just remember the RE's statement as it resounds through my head, "Six months to you is not like six months to a 25 year old." He told me this three months ago. As much as I know my body is quickly running out of time to produce a baby, that reminder is beginning to ring more true every day. Not only am I a little frustrated, I'm started to get scared. Not a good mix. It's the kind of mix that brings out only two responses in me - fight like hell or retreat completely. There are no gray areas for me when I'm backed into a corner like this. We've been on the TTC journey for 17 months now and I'm getting really tired.
How much more are we supposed to take? Where do we go from here? Do we try one more time, hoping that there is hope? Do I head back to the RE and expect to walk into his office to see him expectantly wielding a dildo-cam in one hand and a turkey baster in the other? Is that even a guarantee? And if we see the RE, how the hell are we supposed to pay for it? We honestly do not have the money to pay for what is ahead of us. How do we make these decisions now?
I'm getting ready to put down my war gear and give up the fight. God, this is getting really old.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Man, I need to find a decent Show & Tell for next week! These are getting desperately sad. :)
Saturday, July 5, 2008
I do not need any more cans of formula, coupons, diapers, free photo sessions, baby magazine subscriptions, baby food, health plans, congratulations & more for my non-existent babies. When/if I finally do have a baby, I'll make sure not to buy anything from these companies.
Even the stupid photo studio that I so politely emailed to be removed from their list is dumb. While they removed my information from their database, they bought yet another list that had my name on it somehow for another one of my dead babies. I only emailed them the first time. They, in so many words, replied saying they were sorry about my dead babies but maybe we'd like a free photo session of just us. Good idea. Let's get a shot of the two of us so we can always look back at it an say, "Gosh, remember that time in our life. After we lost three babies. I'm so glad we had that photo session." Seriously.