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Monday, July 7, 2008

This is Getting Old

BFN. And I really, really, really thought this might be "the one". Even though it's my summer vacation, I've been a dutiful little TTC soldier and getting up at 7am every morning to temp. I've been charting like a madwoman, noting all symptoms, etc.

As of this morning, spotting has begun and my temp took a nose dive. It's still above the coverline but the red-headed evil slut is on her way. I know she is.

I've seriously had major symptoms, so much so that DH was beginning to think I was pg too. I've been so bloated that I can only wear a couple of pairs of my pants. My boobs have gotten bigger/fuller - if that's even possible. Smells have gotten to me. Nausea. Dizziness. Thirstiness. Excess saliva. Headaches. Heartburn. As gross as it is, I've even thrown up in my mouth a few times. With all of that not only did I think, "Hhhmmm . . . maybe I really am pregnant." I also decided that the nausea and mini-vomits might have meant some good m/s and a viable pg was ahead of us.

I just remember the RE's statement as it resounds through my head, "Six months to you is not like six months to a 25 year old." He told me this three months ago. As much as I know my body is quickly running out of time to produce a baby, that reminder is beginning to ring more true every day. Not only am I a little frustrated, I'm started to get scared. Not a good mix. It's the kind of mix that brings out only two responses in me - fight like hell or retreat completely. There are no gray areas for me when I'm backed into a corner like this. We've been on the TTC journey for 17 months now and I'm getting really tired.

How much more are we supposed to take? Where do we go from here? Do we try one more time, hoping that there is hope? Do I head back to the RE and expect to walk into his office to see him expectantly wielding a dildo-cam in one hand and a turkey baster in the other? Is that even a guarantee? And if we see the RE, how the hell are we supposed to pay for it? We honestly do not have the money to pay for what is ahead of us. How do we make these decisions now?

I'm getting ready to put down my war gear and give up the fight. God, this is getting really old.


Maria (MKC101103) said...

Oh Kristin I'm so sorry. Coming from someone who had a TTC journey of 27 months I really hope you don't give up yet. You have so much fight left in you.

I'm praying there is a light at the end of your tunnel and it's in the form of some discount from your RE or something like that.

Molly said...

Oh, honey! I can't even imagine what you're going through. I understand questioning yourself and your future....just don't give up!

I'm rooting for you!

Newt said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this disappointment right now.

Are the meds causing the phantom symptoms?

I wouldn't make any big decisions in the immediate aftermath of the disappointment. Rest and recover for a little while, and then you'll know what you want to do.

Huge hugs, Kekis. I'm so so sorry.

Deborah said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling so defeated-and who can blame you. I truly understand how you feel. We went 16 months ttc before we got our diagnosis. In some sick way it makes it so much easier knowing that we can only get pregnant w/IVF, reduces the disappointment month in and month out.

It is difficult to know when enough is enough. I think for each of us, it is different. Hang in there.

Christopher and Tracy said...

((big hugs))

I'm sorry, Kristin! I don't know how many DPO you are. But if your temp is still up and you have all these symptoms, I would keep testing until AF shows.

I'm not blowing sunshine your way for nothing. I had full on AF for approx 36 hours with this pregnancy. You just never know.

It never hurts to talk to the RE. You might find things more affordable and be able to swing a cycle or two. I found a big price difference between two different RE's clinic for IUI if that's your next step.

Whatever is next, GOOD LUCK! You're never far from my thoughts. You're such a sweet person and deserve a much easier journey than this.

Mark & Amanda said...

I am so sorry, Kristen! There's nothing I can say to lift you since I have not been in your shoes, but I can say...that I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Stupid AF bitch!

kate said...

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry you're going through this again. I know how tiring this cycle of "try, hope, wait, pray, cry" is.

I hope you dont give up. I really hope that someday soon the cycle becomes "try, hope, wait, pray, succeed." ((huge hugs)) to you and you're in my thoughts.

Crystal said...

I'm sorry Kristin. I know this is hard and I really hope you don't give up.

Janna said...

I'm so sorry Kristin. I know what it's like to have all those questions swirling around in your head. As someone who left ttc behind b/c of cost...we sat down and prayed about what to do next. Do we do the IF treatments and go into debt over something that isn't a guarantee, or do we move to adoption and go into debt for something that is guaranteed to happen at some point in the future? Of course I also had the arthritis to factor in, and in the end we decided the risks just weren't worth continuing on. It certainly wasn't easy, and I STILL question whether we did the right thing or not. I mean, I know in my heart that we did, but I still long to carry J's child, so the doubt creeps in every now and then. I think with a lot of deep thought and prayer that you'll come up with the right decision for the both of you. And I can honestly say that you'll know in your heart when you're ready to throw in the towel and move on, and it won't be just about the money at that point. So many other factors will come in to play, and you'll just know. Keeping you in my prayers!!!!

Katie said...

Oh Kristin, I'm so sorry. If she hasn't shown, it's not too late. Know that we are all thinking and praying for you.

Laurie said...

ACK! I don't believe it! NO! NO! NO!

Girlfriend, I am praying for you everyday. You will get a baby. Don't give up!

Jess said...

You have to keep fighting! Don't let the devil interfere. We're all pulling for you!

Amanda Hopper said...

So sorry Kristin! You are in my thoughts! I can't imagine the frustration!

Chelle said...

I am so sorry. I wish I had more comforting words to say. ((HUGS))

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry you are going through so much. I feel that way too some days, like I'm ready to just surrender and give up. They are usually fleeting moments when I feel that way, but they are there. It's hard to feel positive all the time.

I hope that the RE can offer you some hope and a plan if you decide to move forward with the RE. Sending lots of love and hugs your way! ((hugs)) ♥

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