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Sunday, February 21, 2010

Baby Kelsey

Sweet little Kelsey went to meet Jesus yesterday. Her parents updated their blog last night if you haven't already seen it. Your prayers for Kelsey over the past six months were felt and heard. Her parents, brother, and family were able to spend time with her and love her. Their pain, joy, and all of the emotions in between were so openly shared with us. Please continue to pray for their peace and comfort as they mourn the loss of their little girl.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

What's the plan?

The plan. The Plan. The plan? The Plan? THE PLAN?? THE PLAN???

The plan is that there is no plan.

The only plan I have is that I want to have a baby next, but that's obviously not working. I seriously have no clue where to go from here. We don't have any IF coverage, and going into an injectibles cycle will be about all we could swing right now. However, my FSA is already tapped for the year. Yep, as of mid-Feb my $1500 is about gone. I won't even talk about the fact that the IRS is getting ready to bend me over and take advantage of me in a very unacceptable way.

I'm not against IVF. However, it's cost-prohibitive for two teachers without any IF coverage. IVF does give me much pause for thought because it's an expensive way for me to have a miscarriage, and my bum uterus is a known baby killer. There aren't even enough typed words to link my baby-killing back posts.

I'm not at a place where surrogacy or adoption are something I can/am willing to do right now. For many reasons (some selfish, some not that I can go into some other time), I desperately want us to have biological children. I think we will, I just don't know how or when it will happen. I'm of course concerned about my age. 42 in two weeks ain't no spring chicken.

We'll eventually have a plan - another plan - but I don't know. when. We're heading into year #4 of this. I truly feel that I will be pregnant someday and deliver healthy children. I truly feel that we will have 2-3 children of our own that we will raise. I just wish I knew when that was happening because I'm getting really tired. IF is seriously wearing me out (physically, mentally, & emotionally), wearing my DH out, and wearing down our marriage and our finances.

Something's gotta give . . . and soon. I just wish I knew what it was.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Told Ya So

She's back.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Baby Kelsey

Our friends Patti and Andy have been told there is nothing else the doctors can do to help their baby girl, Kelsey. Please go by their blog and share love and prayers with them. It's okay to tell them that I sent you.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Recovering, I Presume?

I'm a self-admitted pee pusher, and I have been for a long time. If anyone asks if they should poas, I say yes! I'll usually join them just for the opportunity to pee on something.

There are almost always hpt sticks in our house. You can open the cabinet door to find a mix of FRER, CBE Digitals, and ICs. If my stash is depleted, I can head out to the yard and pick up some twigs or leaves or something the dogs have destroyed, and pee on that.

You'd think with my experiences of BFNs for almost two years and funky results from DUD tests that I wouldn't be as much of a poaser as I have been. I think that's beginning to change.

I believe that I may be in recovery. I have no desire to pee at all. Well, at least to pee on things that will only give me a return as white as Marcia Cross' ass (which I really think is actually whiter than my own ass). I'm just not feeling the need. I'm not feeling the possibility that I could be pregnant. I'm simply sitting here waiting on the red-headed slut to darken my doorway. She'll be here by the end of the week. I'm almost sure of it.

But, hey, at least I'm recovering my peeing addiction. Gotta find the positive in everything, right?

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Rewarded and Awarded

I'm feeling rewarded for being awarded . . .

The Blogger BFF Award! It comes from Shanny, and the feeling is mutual. She got some good news on Friday, and I'm so happy for her!

Now it is time for me to pass this award on to others.

The Rules:
1- Thank and link the person that sent it to you.
2- Present this award to at least 5 people and explain why you chose them for this award.
3- Copy and paste the award on your blog

The 5 (okay, I have 7) bloggers I nominate for this award are:
1- Jamie
2- Katie
3- Kelly
4- Maria
5- Monica
6- NoVa
7- Sarah

I will admit that I have met all of these ladies except for Kelly & Monica. Hopefully that will change someday! I'd include Newtlet on this list, but she's not blogging anymore. :( The only one from this list is Jamie, and the others live all over the US. Funny how we all met online while either planning our weddings or dealing with pregnancy loss, but distance hasn't stopped us from becoming IRL friends as well. I can tell you that the constant support I've received from these ladies has saved me many times. I love you guys!!

Now, it's time to pass on the love my friends . . .

Friday, February 12, 2010


And I'm bored. I can tell the trigger is out of my system because I'm feeling unpregnant now. I've eaten an entire pineapple (core & all) in three days. Pork, other meats, and alcohol don't gross me out. No super smell. No sore boobs. Nothing. I'm simply bored with it all now.

Luckily we've had beautiful, record snows here in the Big D, so I've been able to entertain myself making snow angels and taking snow pics. Unfortunately, the snow will thaw and I still won't be pregnant. Hmph.
Guess it's time for more hot dogs, sushi, red wine, and soft cheeses.

Monday, February 8, 2010

If you give kekis a chip . . .

I posted this on the Infertility board I frequent tonight:

If you give kekis a chip, she'll want some homemade guac to go with it.
If you give her some guac, she'll want some wine.
If you give her some wine, she'll want some pineapple for implantation.
If you give her some pineapple, she'll want some pita chips.
If you give her some pita chips, she'll want some hummus.
If you give her some hummus, she'll get a tummy ache.
If she gets a tummy ache, she'll want some ice cream.
If she eats some ice cream and her tummy ache isn't gone, she'll hope she's pg (at 3dpiui - ha!).

Welcome to the snackingest night lately and the longest 2ww EVER.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Burnin' Down the House

I was getting hungry yesterday and needed a quick snack before meeting friends. Since we had lots of hummus (yum!), I cut up some pita bread & tossed it in the toaster oven to toast. For an hour.

Yep, I totally forgot about my snack baking and didn't figure it out until I was leaving to meet my friends. The pita was black - as in so burned that it wouldn't even absorb water when I put them in the sink.

Think I'll blame it on early pregnancy brain. :)

Friday, February 5, 2010

Summary of a Pep Rally

IUI #3 went well. I've been very crampy, bloated, and tired, and honestly too tired to ramble in much detail. Here are some "highlights" because you know a visit to Dr. Terrific is almost like a trip to an freaking amusement park.

- My mom came over Thursday night and shot me up with the trigger. She showed DH how to do it in case we get stuck having to do IM injections again.
- While getting dressed yesterday morning, I was carrying DHs goods in between my breasts to keep them warm. (as you already know) Thankfully before DH left, I remembered that I had NO cash & asked to borrow a buck from DH to pay for parking. DH slipped the dollar into the hip of my pants as if I were a stripper. I told him that I just made poster woman of infertility & we should really take a pic. Hear me roar. Again.
- Didn't get a specimen jar from the doc's office when we scheduled the IUI, so I used a specimen cup (provided by my mom which DH llooovveedddd) that I covered with saran wrap. Yep, we're the WT of the ARTS lab. Go us!
- Recognized by the ARTS lab lady & another receptionist at Dr. T's this morning. I've spent way too much time with these people.
- I inquired about a frequent flyer program at the ARTS lab. No such luck. Damn.
- DH's numbers were perfect. Again. Hopefully one - just ONE - of those 28 million sperm with awesome motility and morphology hits the target.
- BP was way high when I arrived for the IUI, so Nurse A and I relaxed and got it down.
- I was really pretty relaxed. I put on my fancy paper skirt, kicked back with one leg hanging on a stirrup, and waited for Dr. T.
- As he entered, I told him that I had pep rally music. I'm not kidding you. I played this song during the IUI. Dr. T told me to put my phone on my uterus just in case. :) Pep Rally music during an IUI was a first for both of us.
- I held two good luck charms during my IUI. One was a penguin toy and the other a baby I pulled from a King Cake a few weeks ago. Yes, playing music and holding toys will mean that I get pg this time. Kinda creepy & weird, huh? The photo I took of them is rotated correctly, but the lovely Blogger obviously wants that changed.

- Dr. T said that I deserve to be a mother. He's right.
- As I waited "in elevation" after the IUI, I listened to my inspirational & relaxing music. I started with What Faith Can Do, Need You Now, The Great Adventure, and something else I can't remember. As I listened to the first song, the tears began to flow & I couldn't stop them for a while.
- Luckily I got myself together before Dr. T came in to check on me. When he asked if knew how long I'd been in there, I said, "Three songs." He told me to wait five more minutes, then I could get up.
- No need for CD21 b/w. My p4 last cycle was 18.6. I'm sure had I been pg it be much lower, huh? :/

Ssoooo . . . . . as of today, I am 2 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Our imaginary baby is due October 29. Pray for it and us. Here we go.

Hitting the Road: IF Style

Getting ready to drive down the highway . . . with a cup of jizz in between my boobs. I am woman. Hear me roar.

Note: DH would kill me before he died if he actually read this blog. :)

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Uuuhhhhh . . .

My appointment with Dr. Terrific was this afternoon. I made it early to my appointment despite rainy-day, late-afternoon traffic. I was immediately recognized by the receptionist, which let me know I've been there a lot lately. Nurse Amazing came to get me and immediately put me on the scale. Being so disgusted by my weight anymore, I hopped on the scale - jacket, shoes & all. I'm surprised that I didn't hold my purse, too. Somehow - and I don't know how - I've lost five pounds since my IUI and a total of nine pounds since November or December. You certainly can't tell by looking at my fat ass, but it made me happy. Nurse Excellent walked by to say hello and actually saw me smiling in the office for a change.

But that's not what you really want to know, is it? Well, despite the positive scale results, my blood pressure was up and Nurse A didn't like it. I told her that I was surprised that it wasn't much higher with the two weeks at work I've just survived. (Like stroke-worthy two weeks.) So, Nurse A took my bp again a few minutes later, and it was up even a couple of more points. We quit at that point. Dr. T walked by and I made some kind of remark (possibly, maybe a smart-ass remark) to which he replied, "You don't want to be seen today, do you?" We then laughed after he said that I have the same lack of filter that he does, and I in return told him I wasn't that way until I became his patient. :)

But you don't care about all of that either, do you? I got changed into my paper skirt, and thought that manufacturers need to make these in resuable form. I mean, I go through so many that I could just have my own locker in the office. Dr. T came in and told me about his 92 year old patient with a flatulence problem. (Thank God that wasn't me.) Cynically, I told him about my bum ute, whined my frustrations, & complained about this being my 34th or 35th cycle as the condom-laden dildo cam began its way towards my girly bits.

Dr. Terrific and I chatted while he checked out my bum ute where we suprisingly found a lovely 10.5mm lining (which is good). I possibly, maybe said something sarcastic along the lines of, "Oh goody. I have a nice lining." He scoffed and continued on the dildo cam journey. We quickly came upon some dark spots on my left ovary. Two were very, very small. Above those little crappers was a nice large one. Yep, a 16mm follie on CD13 darkened the fuzzy screen (which is also good).

So . . . short story made long . . . trigger tomorrow and IUI on Friday. ACK! My WTH appointment turned into me hopping on the roller coaster again. So far, things are looking positive though. My forever favorite substitute is available to take my class on Friday, and with some crazy luck my trigger was paid for by insurance, costing me only $10. Woot!

Anyone else that wants to hop on this next freaking coaster ride, you better harness in tight. If the life and times of my jacked-up body continue, this will be yet another bumpy ride.

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