Where to go from here?

So now what?

I spent yesterday feeling the worse menstrual cramps I've ever had. They were so bad that they woke me up early yesterday and my pelvis even hurt today. Thankfully, it wasn't like the pain that comes with a natural m/c, but between feeling uncomfortable and upset, I was pretty much a hot mess all day. I took a two hour nap & still went to bed before midnight.

I woke up today and made a decision that I would not be having a pity party. My mom called this afternoon, and we talked for a very long time. Sometimes when I don't feel well, I just need my mom. She offered to come over, but I told her not to worry about it since there's absolutely nothing she can do.

I'm now feeling under the weather and hoping it's not a precursor to the lovely flu that is parading throughout our school. I sprayed the crap out of my classroom on Friday after finding out one of my students has the flu. Hopefully that will help at least a little bit.

I'll call Dr. Terrific, Nurse Excellent, and Nurse Amazing tomorrow and tell them to pull out the next set of big guns. I figure that we'll try the Femara with IUI again, and I am telling them that I want to trigger this time. If that combo doesn't work, I don't know what will happen. Dr. T has already mentioned IVF, but that is not in the budget for our teachers' incomes.

So, after the call to Dr. T tomorrow, I'll set up acupuncture, chiropractic and massage appointments, have some sushi, and try like hell to remain positive. I even doubled the dosage for my happy pills for the next week in hopes that will help a little. I'm so disappointed that my body continues to fail me time & time again. I have done nothing to deserve this heartache. Never have I been perfect, but IF is nothing that I deserve.

I just do NOT feel like I won't ever get pregnant and have a baby. Those thoughts and feelings and dreams really do wane sometimes, but I don't think God wants me to not be a mother. Thinking about DH not being a father kills me just as much. In my entire life, I have never imagined not being a mom or having a home with children. I've always been the babysitter, baby holder, helper, and more. I have witnessed three live births and been in the waiting room for many, many, many others.

Now I want us to be the Mommy and Daddy. I want us to be the ones having the baby while everyone waits in the waiting room for the wonderful news. I want to see the looks on our parents faces when they see their grandchildren for the first time. I want our pets to be the pets that love on, play with, and protect our babies. I want our home to be taken over by baby paraphernalia and toys. I simply CAN NOT give up on that. Probably because I can't imagine the alternative, but I just can't give up. I can't imagine not being pregnant, not having a baby, not being a mommy, not being a family. I just can't.

I really appreciate all the sweet comments, emails, and other contact you've all shared with me. Knowing you all are on our side makes it a little easier to live through the disappointment again & again.