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Sunday, September 27, 2009

Where to go from here?


So now what?

I spent yesterday feeling the worse menstrual cramps I've ever had. They were so bad that they woke me up early yesterday and my pelvis even hurt today. Thankfully, it wasn't like the pain that comes with a natural m/c, but between feeling uncomfortable and upset, I was pretty much a hot mess all day. I took a two hour nap & still went to bed before midnight.

I woke up today and made a decision that I would not be having a pity party. My mom called this afternoon, and we talked for a very long time. Sometimes when I don't feel well, I just need my mom. She offered to come over, but I told her not to worry about it since there's absolutely nothing she can do.

I'm now feeling under the weather and hoping it's not a precursor to the lovely flu that is parading throughout our school. I sprayed the crap out of my classroom on Friday after finding out one of my students has the flu. Hopefully that will help at least a little bit.

I'll call Dr. Terrific, Nurse Excellent, and Nurse Amazing tomorrow and tell them to pull out the next set of big guns. I figure that we'll try the Femara with IUI again, and I am telling them that I want to trigger this time. If that combo doesn't work, I don't know what will happen. Dr. T has already mentioned IVF, but that is not in the budget for our teachers' incomes.

So, after the call to Dr. T tomorrow, I'll set up acupuncture, chiropractic and massage appointments, have some sushi, and try like hell to remain positive. I even doubled the dosage for my happy pills for the next week in hopes that will help a little. I'm so disappointed that my body continues to fail me time & time again. I have done nothing to deserve this heartache. Never have I been perfect, but IF is nothing that I deserve.

I just do NOT feel like I won't ever get pregnant and have a baby. Those thoughts and feelings and dreams really do wane sometimes, but I don't think God wants me to not be a mother. Thinking about DH not being a father kills me just as much. In my entire life, I have never imagined not being a mom or having a home with children. I've always been the babysitter, baby holder, helper, and more. I have witnessed three live births and been in the waiting room for many, many, many others.

Now I want us to be the Mommy and Daddy. I want us to be the ones having the baby while everyone waits in the waiting room for the wonderful news. I want to see the looks on our parents faces when they see their grandchildren for the first time. I want our pets to be the pets that love on, play with, and protect our babies. I want our home to be taken over by baby paraphernalia and toys. I simply CAN NOT give up on that. Probably because I can't imagine the alternative, but I just can't give up. I can't imagine not being pregnant, not having a baby, not being a mommy, not being a family. I just can't.

I really appreciate all the sweet comments, emails, and other contact you've all shared with me. Knowing you all are on our side makes it a little easier to live through the disappointment again & again.

11 comments:

NoVaIrish said...

K - I know you my heart is breaking for you. I hope Dr T has some insight on what to do next and I will continue to hope and pray for you.

kristi said...

Don't give up on IVF because of money. Talk to your DR. Most Dr offices now have financing through certain credit card places and the financing is somewhat resonable. Also ask about studies they are doing. When I did IVF I was able to get into a study that paid for my meds.
I wish all states were mandated to pay for IVF and only a very few are!
I'm thinking of you!

Jamie said...

My heart is breaking for you, too. I'm on your side and I'm pulling for you all the time!

WiseGuy said...

I so hear you.... Agnedy Fugnimima came visiting yesterday. I had a HPT BFN, but I remember somebody writing on my blog saying that there was still hope while AF stayed away. Well the last nail was in yesterday.

My head is on a boil and I better not write anything right now, because it will be incoherent and mad.

The Quarke Family said...

Kristin, I'm really sorry you're having to go through this, and your attitude is really amazing. You have so much strength of character. I am hoping and hoping and hoping for you, and have my fingers crossed that you won't have to wait much longer for your baby.
Take care and enjoy that sushi and be really, really good to yourself.

Janna said...

My heart hurts with yours, and I'm am so sorry IF has crapped on you yet again. No, it's not fair! And I hope and pray that one day your dream of being a mommy will be a reality! I love your attitude of not giving up on your dream. I think it shows just how strong you really are!!! Sending hugs your way...

Jen said...

You are right, you do not deserve IF, no one does. My heart is breaking right along with you. You have been a good friend and support to me through my struggles and I hope you know how much I love you and care for you, even though we haven't met IRL.

Here is a quote that I found much comfort in, maybe it will help you too:

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Trish said...

I wish I had some magic answers for you.
You could come move in with us.. Illinois has mandatory infertility coverage. It's what saved us..
I wish I could pass it on to you.
Still thinking of you..

--Trish

thestows said...

I have to agree with Kristi on this one. I wouldn't have 3 of my kids without IVF and yes it is a lot of money, but the best money I've ever spent. Good luck to you Kristin.

Juicy said...

lots and lots of hugs. Wish I could be there with you and commiserate with you.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

There is nothing I want more than to fly down there and give you a big hug and let EJ slobber all over you.

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