Blowing Off the Dust . . . Full Circle

Hi there.  Remember me?  I didn't  think so.  I've wanted to start blogging again but just haven't made it a priority.  However, today something happened that reignited that fire - even if for only a brief moment.  I doubt anyone reads this dusty ol' archive of my pathetic journey to become a Mom, but I'm doing this for me anyway.

As a quick update, Kate turned two in September.  She is freaking amazing.  While I know I am biased, Kate is absolutely beautiful, smart, funny, strong, silly, feisty, loving, stubborn, dramatic, sweet, and all-around awesome.

I was changing Kate's diaper and getting her jammies on when I leaned down to rub noses with her.  She looked me straight in the eyes and, while grabbing my cheeks, said, "I love you, Mommy.  I love love my Mommy.  Ohhh Mommy." and hugged me so, so tight while repeating, "I love you, Mommy."  Cue the ugly cry.  We just hugged and loved on each other for a couple of minutes while I soaked in the moment.

11 years ago today, DH and I met on a blind date.  3 years ago today, we officially signed with the adoption agency.  26 months ago today, I became a Mommy.  And today, all of the pain & suffering of IF washed away for those moments while my daughter continued to melt the pieces of my heart back into a whole.

Kate & Mommy Enjoy Morning Snuggles

Google is Stupid

First they drop sharing/commenting on Google Reader.
Then, they drop Google Calendar sync.
Now . . . Google Reader is getting the ax.

Soooooo, I'm trying Bloglovin' now to keep up with all of my favorite blogs.  If you use GR, then you'll need to make the big switch yourself.  Don't forget to import/find/follow Fertile Ramblings!


Follow my blog with Bloglovin

A Quick Ramble

First . . . to all of the mommies out there, I apologize.  Mommy Brain IS real.  It is not some pretend thing you made up to rub in my face that you had a baby and I didn't.  Mommy Brainz = I gotz it.

Second  . . . Kate is AMAZING.  I can't even describe how in awe of and in love with her we are.  She is now four months old (FOUR!!!) and beautiful, healthy, strong, funny, snuggly, feisty, smart, sweet, curious, and so incredibly cute.

Third . . . I have so much to blog but such little time.  Being back at work and getting Kate picked up at the sitter and home and dinner and cleaning and bath time and bed time and . . . . . . . it's just not getting done right now.  It will though.  I promise.

If you had this to look at whenever you wanted, would YOU get anything done?

I didn't think so.

A New Look

If you are viewing this in a reader, you need to click through and check it out!  I couldn't take looking at the old design, so I used this one from The Cutest Blog on the Block.  I did some other updating as well.

It's not perfect, but it's better!  If you notice anything weird or wonky, let me know so I can fix it.

Ugly Blog

I hate the look of this blog.  What crackhead did this design?  Oh yeah . . . me.  Well, I hate it.  Guess I probably need to find someone to do a redesign (that isn't ugly) for me.

Nothing else to report.  Still waiting for baby.  hmph

Cleaning Up

Unfortunately, I have NOT been cleaning up the bedroom that will hopefully, someday become the nursery for our imaginary baby. However, I did clean up my blog roll. I literally linked to every.single.blog that was listed. Anything that was private, closed, or not updated in the year 2012 A.D. is gone. If you have a blog that you want me to add, let me know. Hope that helps some of you who stalk creep use this blog as a resource.

 And, no, we have not heard anything from the agency. You know you wanted to ask!

(ps - That pic above is not of me cleaning.  I don't look that thin in genie earrings & Hammer pants.)

Balancing Blogs

Finding a balance among multiple blogs is not an easy task.  I don't want to delete or merge because I feel they are each their own entity.  I've totally neglected my photo blogs, so they'll just sit and collect dust unless something fabulous comes up.  I'll continue to post here about our RPL/IF/Adoption journey.  Our home blog will continue to be updated as well.  Just wanted to dump my thoughts about that & let you know there are some new updates/posts over at Todd and Kristin if you want to check them out.

Nothing new on the adoption front, but believe me, you'll know if/when there is!

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I have not forgotten you. This is such a busy time of year. I've been up to my ass in alligators with work and my recuperation, and I apologize for ignoring you.  Since I am finally feeling better after having many of my guts ripped out, I'll be back soon.

Until then, we still WAIT for our baby.  *sigh*

Do you hear that?

I know you're used to the sound of chirping crickets around here lately.  Honestly, I don't have much to say these days.  Don't worry, I'm not living in a hole underground somewhere or anything extra weird like that.  When you aren't TTC (it's kinda difficult to create a baby when you have no eggs) then a fertility/infertility blog becomes a place where there isn't much to say!  Add in a much-needed summer vacation, and our focus is elsewhere.

It's been hard - REALLY hard - and I'm still not completely through it all.  It's just a weird place to be in these days after being hard-core focused on procreating for over four years.  It's also difficult to be in a holding pattern dead standstill while everyone around you (fertile & non-fertile alike) continues to get pregnant, have babies, and repeat the process more than once while we wait for just ONE.  Just one tiny, little baby . . .

However, we are not finished in our quest for family.  Currently looking into adoption and/or donor eggs, there are definite options out there to help us become more than just a Mr. & Mrs. with two dogs.  I've been working through my grief and frustration in knowing that my DNA stops here.  There will be more counseling once we makes some decisions about where to go from here.  In one way, it's relieving.  In another, it's scary as hell.

I'm used to scary as hell, so we'll keep moving forward.  Don't be a stranger (i.e. say hi & let me know you were here!), and I'll be back to rambling away in no time!

30 Day Blog Challenge

Uhhhh . . . yeah . . . the 30 day blog challenge.  I'm still doing it.  I'm just not doing it for 30 days in a row.  :)  Let us get over being sick at the same time & through the rest of the school year, and I'll get back to it.

Happy Blogaversary!

Today is the THIRD Blogaversary of these Fertile Ramblings!   The irony of our blogaversary being the same day as Mother's Day is not lost on me.  Some of you are celebrating your moms, some are missing your moms, some are celebrating as moms, and some are hating today because we aren't moms.  Most of us are doing a combination of two or more of those.

I swear that I was wished a "Happy Mother's Day" by every damn Tom, Dick, Harry and their wives, cousins and friends EVERY single place I went yesterday.  Seriously?  Just because I am tired, fat, and wearing a wedding ring doesn't mean I'm a mom.  I came home and told Mr. Rambler that I wondered how people would react if I responded with, "Oh, EFF Mother's Day!"  (insert evil, cheeky laugh)  I'll chalk that response up in the same column as kicking stupid people in the head and proper society's other unacceptable reactions to dumb shit.

Thanks for being along this shitty, interesting, boring, unfun, ridiculous, tragic, stupid, frustrating, terrible rambling ride with me for the past few years.  No telling what the years ahead will bring (believe me, I have not a clue), but I appreciate all of you being along the ride with us.

It's finally time for me to shut up so we can celebrate!  Have some cake - as much as you like - and celebrate today's blogaversary with whatever you're doing today.  Oh, and don't forget the wine!!!!

Because Everyone's Doing It

Yeah, I know . . . "If everyone jumped off a building, would you do it, too?"  The answer is maybe.  Guess it would depend on who is jumping.  :)

I first saw the 30 Days of Blogging challenege on Susan's blog.  Since then, everyone else seems to be doing it as well.  So, yes, I am jumping off a bloggy building with everyone.  Deal with it. 

Why don't you join us and do it too?!  Feel free to borrow my list and post it on your blog.  Let me know if you are taking the challenge by leaving a comment and/or linking back here, so we all can read your ramblings.



Day 1: My Current Relationship

This is easy.  I'm married to Mr. Rambler.  We've been married for four years and ten days.  We dated for almost 3 1/2 years before we married.  We shacked for a little over 2 of those years.  I went into the ugly cry when he proposed.  He's almost 6'4".  I mean, what am I really supposed to write?  Guess I better do some digging.

My DH is a man of such strong character.  He always does the right thing because it's the right thing to do.  He is by no means perfect, but he is perfect for me.  He is patient with me.  Sometimes he even thinks I'm funny (which I AM!).  He is very tender-hearted whether it always shows or not.  He LOVES Christmas.  It's all I can do to keep him away from the Christmas decor until Thanksgiving is over.  The love he shows for our pets is amazing.  I know that he will be a good father, and I hope and pray that happens.  Not only do I want a baby/family, he does as well.  I cannot wait to see him as a Daddy.  I could cry just thinking about it.

So, as I bring this ramble to a close, my current relationship is my relationship with my husband.  This is something I cherish more than anything in the world.  We are a family.  DH, me, Pippin & Steve.  We hope to enlarge that family - some way, some how.

A New Look & a Bad Attitude

If you are using a reader, you won't be able to see what I've done, so open it up to check it out!  I decided that this old, rusty blog needed a new look.  Hope your eyes can handle it better than the last one I had.

Other than that, I am past the point of upset with Dr. S' office.  If you can remember back to December of last year (yes, that would four months ago in 2010), our IVF never happened.  We still have yet to see our refund of monies.  My bad attitude about it all will be thrown on paper in a few moments and sent to Ms. K and Dr. S..  If a check for close to $10K isn't in my hands by Wednesday, I will be forced to contact my attorney and the BBB.  We want our money back NOW.  It's bad enough that we don't have a baby, but to take our money . . . this is ridiculous.

Your Turn

It's Spring Break and my plan is to relax.  Since I'll be so busy trying to relax, then I can't come up with any blogging ideas.  Therefore, all of you get to take over.  Ask me questions or give me random topics, and I promise to do some rambling.  If you provide, then I will fulfill to the best of my ability (albeit pathetic of late!).

Go ahead . . . It's your turn.

International Blog Delurking Week

It's International Blog Delurking Week!   (well, for a few more days)  What does that mean?  It means that if you lurk here then you need to come out, come out, wherever you are!  I think it might even be a part of international law or something important like that.

Drop a comment and tell me who I am you are or how long you've been reading or who/what led you here or a link to your blog, or just say hi!  Don't be scared.  Don't be shy.  I promise I don't bite . . . as long as I've eaten.

2010's Creme de la Creme

Each year, Mel over at Stirrup Queens puts together a list called the "Creme de la Creme" that is a compilation of blogs submitted by blog writers themselves.  I submitted Fertile Ramblings to the list and (of course) picked one of my more foul-mouthed ramblings to submit.  Oops.  Hopefully those who visit for the first time read more than that one sailor-word-laden post.  A HUGE THANKS to Mel for working so hard to review and encapsulate every.single.entry to the list.

Be sure to check out the 2010's Creme de la Creme list.  You will find many, many AMAZING blogs written by those who are or have been in the world of ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) and are sharing their hearts and words with all of us.  Fertile Ramblings is #197 of over 250 blogs, so get reading!

Coming Out

Just wanted to let you all know that I've decided to open up my blog again.  There are several reasons why I went private for a while (albeit a short time), and there are now several reasons why I am opening up it again.  Since I'm too tired to write it all down and it's my blog, I'll do what I want.

I will repeat, however, that even if you are reading this blog it does NOT (will not ever) give you the carte blanche to discuss the affairs of my husband and I with anyone else.  I realize this is a public forum, but  I'll post what I posted before in case anyone missed it:

Just to be in full disclosure, this blog and my own living room will be the only places I plan to talk about our plans moving into and experiencing IVF. Not even our entire families are aware of what we are doing. (Most of our immediate family members do as of this writing.) Our entire journey of not having a baby has been public - and I realize that it's by my own doing - but I am needing for things to be more quiet now. I need to have the chance to destress and not feel that I need to keep up with everyone and everything. This blog is my living journal just as it would be a handwritten diary in my nightstand drawer. I will blog as I see fit/need, and I will not discuss it further, unless it is of my choosing.  I welcome your comments and questions via this blog, but that's where I prefer to keep it all.

Those of you who have experienced this know how it feels for well-meaning people to feel that your body is a topic of idle conversation. So, if you know my DH and/or me IRL or even on the internet (FB/TB/Besties, other online forums, work, mutual friends, etc.), I am asking for your discretion and courtesy in keeping your damn mouth shut. Don't ask me questions, don't post things about it (not even what you think is in code), don't talk about it with one another, etc. The only people who will know what is going on other than our parents and a few select family members are those who have access to this blog.

If anyone chooses to disrespect the wishes of my husband and me, I will not only shut this blog down but I will stop sharing with everyone altogether. I'm not trying to sound ugly, but I really and truly mean it. I have been perfectly open with our journey, and I hope that you will respect the fact that I desperately need some privacy now. (I mean, hell, if you're on here you'll know everything anyway.)

The Reason

Welcome to those who have made it to "the other side."  Now, before you read everything ahead you must know that AF is still MIA.  And I'm getting kinda pissed about it.  I swear I'm going to wipe my vag raw checking for the faintest spot of blood.  It's crazy, but she is.not.here.  Don't know why I'm surprised since this whole 3-hour tour of TTC has turned into me becoming the damn Skipper of the SS Minnow.   I look and feel and probably act like him too now, but I don't have the Professor to keep me stable. (ramble ramble ramble)  Anyway . . . . . . .

The reason I have taken the blog private is summed up in three words.  They start with I, V, and F.  Yes, my friends, IVF - that's in vitro fertilization for you laypeople.  Many women/couples are cool posting all of the details of their IVF travels for public consumption, and while I typically would be, I'm not now.  In fact, I'm scared to death.

Am I scared of all the time off work it will require?  No.
Am I scared of all the blood draws?  No.
Am I scared of the paperwork?  No.
Am I scared of the tons of medication?  No.
Am I scared of the injections?  No.
Am I scared of the bloating?  No.
Am I scared of the bruising?
Am I scared of the hormone swings?  No.
Am I scared of the havoc that will wreak my body?  No.
Am I scared of pain & discomfort?  No.
Am I scared of the procedures?  No.
Am I scared of all the money it will take?  Maybe.

So, you're probably thinking, "Okay, what ARE you scared of?"  Well, I'm scared of failing.  This whole process of trying to have a baby has been a total failure.  It's taken almost four years and cost thousands of dollars only with results of a broken heart and no baby.  I'm scared we will do all of this and still not have our dream of a biological child fulfilled.

More importantly, though, is the fact that this is our ONLY SHOT.  Did you hear me?  ONLY shot, people.  Due the fact that we are both teachers and don't own a money tree (damnit!), this is a HUGE financial commitment for us.  So much so that we can only afford one try.  We are looking at as much as $22,000 due to the procedures, genetic testing, and medications.  This is money that we do NOT have, but we are doing everything we possibly can to make it work.  IVF will be a strain on every facet of our personal, financial, marital, and physical life.  We're doing it anyway because we're desperate.

Just to be in full disclosure, this blog and my own living room will be the only places I plan to talk about our plans moving into and experiencing IVF.  Not even our entire families are aware of what we are doing.  (As of this posting, it's really just my mom & DH's brother.)  Our entire journey of not having a baby has been public - and I realize that it's by my own doing - but I am needing for things to be more quiet now.  I need to have the chance to destress and not feel that I need to keep up with everyone and everything.  This blog is my living journal just as it would be a handwritten diary in my nightstand drawer.  I will blog as I see fit/need, and I will not discuss it further, unless it is of my choosing.

Those of you who have experienced this know how it feels for well-meaning people to feel that your body is a topic of idle conversation.  So, if you know my DH and/or me IRL or even on the internet (FB/TB/Besties, other online forums, work, mutual friends, etc.), I am asking for your discretion and courtesy in keeping your damn mouth shut.  Don't ask me questions, don't post things about it (not even what you think is in code), don't talk about it with one another, etc.  The only people who will know what is going on other than our parents and a few select family members are those who have access to this blog.

If anyone chooses to disrespect my wishes, I will not only shut this blog down but I will stop sharing with everyone altogether.  I'm not trying to sound ugly, but I really and truly mean it.  I have been perfectly open with our journey, and I hope that you will respect the fact that I desperately need some privacy now.  (I mean, hell, if you're on here you'll know everything anyway.)  With that being said . . .

Although I'm scared out of my mind, our plan is to move forward with hope and confidence.  It's really all we have.

Last Call

Last call for alcohol!  You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!

OOPS.  I'm not single, 25, thinking I'm fertile & at the bars anymore.  It's not the last call for alcohol (although a drink sounds kinda good right now - it's 5:00 somehwere, right?!).  Yet again, I digress . . .

Last call to get initial access to my ramblings.  It'll be private by tomorrow.  I'll then post a few different entries that I've been holding on to lately, so you'll have more of my crap a few things to put you to sleep read soon.  Others will have the opportunity to access my blog, but they'll have to go through the process of learning it's private first.  Tsk, tsk to them for being late.

As I've said . . . thanks for continuing on this journey with me.  Please fasten your seat belts & hold on tight.  This may be a bumpy ride!

About Going Private

Thanks to all of you who have requested to keep on this journey with me.  I didn't know I had such wonderful readers out there!  Many of you have sent me your amazing stories - some sharing for the very first time.  I truly thank you for that.  I'm sorry that I have not been able to respond to your emails in detail, but I am going to send each of you a confirmation that your request was received.

I noticed today that a few messages were landing in my SPAM folder which I never check but automatically just empty.  If you do not get a confirmation email from me, PLEASE EMAIL ME AGAIN!  I am thrilled that I won't be blogging in to empty space and would like everyone to hang with me for a while longer.