Get Back in That OR!

My hysterectomy is scheduled for Tuesday, January 17 at the butt-crack of dawn.  Yes, my final, big, hoo-ha party with Dr. T other than the annual love fest.  I'm having a little bit of mixed emotions about it.  I'm *only* 43 and losing my entire reproductive system.  I will never have a bio child.  How crazy is that thinking?  Pretty nuts if you ask me.  Of course I will never have a bio child - I HAVE NO EGGS!

I'm also dreading surgery. Again.  Granted, I'm doing a laparoscopic hysterectomy and not full abdominal surgery but still . . .  the cost, the time, the anesthesia, the pain, the sub plans, the time off work, the cleanup at work after I return, the recovery, more cost, more pain . . . all of that doesn't make it fun.  It needs to be done.  The pain and flow and frequency of my periods is out of control.  Three bad periods in six weeks is a bit much, huh?

Oh well.  Let's rip that bitch out! 

Goodbye fibroids!
Goodbye adenomyosis! 
Goodbye endometriosis! 
Goodbye ugly bum ute! 
Goodbye tubes! (only things that wever worked)
Goodbye ovaries!  (dried up jerks)
Goodbye periods!  (BEST part of all!)

And hheeeelllllllloooooooo hormones!   Bring on the patch or pill or cream or gel!

Glad I'm having the lap hyst BEFORE we meet our baby!  I don't want to be a broken mommy.  :)

Like Old Home Week

I had my annual appointment with Dr. Terrific today, and it was like going home after a long time away.  Crazy enough, it was good to see everyone.  It had been so long!  Dr. T and Nurse Excellent were there but Nurse Amazing had the day off.  I'm sure she'll be sad she missed us (me & my ute).  Dr. T was his typical goofy self, talking half the time in some bastardized version of English/Irish he made up on the fly.  You just learn not to ask . . .  :)

I went in with my typical barrage of questions and concerns and need for Rx refills, and as always, everything was addressed.  My main concern was that my periods have become almost unbearable since our failed IVF.  Because you know I love TMI, my periods have lasted a week with massive bleeding and clotting and hellish cramps.  A super plus tampon is lucky to survive two hours during the three-day heavy part of my cycle.

Therefore, we are looking at a hysterectomy.  Since the Englishman doctor knows I don't need my uterus anymore, it's a good option because things will only get worse from here.  I'm doing my research, but a laparoscopic hysterectomy is most likely going to be the best solution.  A full hysterectomy that takes my uterus and ovaries but leaves the cervix intact.  Done by Dr. T and maybe a robot (who better not be English or Irish!).  And I'm okay with it.  Get rid of the bad shit and avoid ovarian cancer while rubbing on hormone cream or wearing a patch to get me fixed..  Considering my hormones are out of whack, why not?

I just thought this pic was great & wanted to include it!

After a short time with the "dick stick", aka vaginal u/s, it was determined that my bum ute is dealing with adenomyosis, endometriosis, and more fibroids.  (God bless America, don't look at the fibroid pics on that link. Gag!)  Dr. Terrific, in his worst accent of course, said, "By God, get that bloody piece of crap out 'a there!"  Geez - crazy dude.


Because of these issues, an endometrial ablation is probably not the best answer for me.  DH and I are talking about the best option for me/us and we'll make a decision soon, even though I think our decision is made.  It's just a timing issue at this point and I'll probably need to look at paying for more effing medical costs again.  (Poor baby might now get new nursery furniture - ha!)

But don't worry my dear followers and loves . . . my barren uterus will be more than barren, but it will continue here to ramble on and on and on.  You know, I'm gonna be a Mommy someday!  Woohoo!

PMDD?

I had an OB/gyn once tell me that I had PMDD.  I don't believe him.  He must've caught me on a bad day or something.  I'm really just a crazy, emotional, psychotic bitch no matter what time of the month it is.

- Deep Thoughts by kekis

Dolphins are Cuter Than Balloons

DH and I met with Dr. Terrific today to go over our surgery plan.  My laparascopic hysteroscopy with resection (blahblahblah) is scheduled for the 17th, which will totally screw up DH's birthday on the 18th.  Oops.

Dr. T said this should be a fairly routine surgery, but without party pics from Dr. Super and having not seen my uterus in two years, we'll have to see what's really going on in there.  However, Dr. T did mention that after all I've been through, it shouldn't be too bad.  It could be basic, or could be a bit complicated.

A couple of weeks ago, Dr. T called me while I was enjoying a mani/pedi.  He (in so many words) explained to me that he "was up at 4am because of a damn chihuahua barking" and that he "went nekkid into the backyard to shut up that damn dog" and since he "was then already awake", he went into his office and drew pictures of my uterus since he couldn't go back to sleep.  See what I have to deal with?  ;)  He seriously did say all of that, but you have to know him to understand how damn funny it all is.  Anyway . . . he was proud of himself that he remembered to bring his 4am uterine sketches of my bum ute to our appointment today.

Since Dr. Terrificly Crazy won't know until he gets all up in my hooha, we'll have witnessess an assistant surgeon in on the deal.  There will also be a casual observer rep from the medical company who produces some of the new equipment used during my party.  Apparently this "thing" helps with fluid management of my parts during surgery so I don't blow up like a fire hydrant with the cap off.  Okay, not really like that, but I know I'm filled to the gills with saline while Dr. T flies around up in there with his magic scissors and pokers and cameras and poles.  Already thankful for being completely sedated, I won't notice this nosy rep from the company who developed the Dolphin system will be a party wallflower.  He/She/It will make sure the equipment works properly and probably be amazed by the jacked-up state of my bum ute (not to mention the total fuckup shave job I'm given after I'm under, but before this type of surgery).  Hope someone at least brings me a damn hostess gift.

Dr. Terrific is against the balloon, which I did question since I don't want scar tissue to develop again. He said that balloons haven't been used in over a decade, but if we need it, I'll wake up with a tube strapped to my leg. Oh joy.

So . . .

 

really =

For the record, I think the flying mammal fishies are much cuter.

Anyway, I hope to get back into the blogging world now that things are settling down in our world.  I told you that things have been rough, so here is a recap of the past two months.  I'm really too tired to retype it or c&p it, so click the link if you wanna be in the know.  Leave me comments if you will to prove that someone is still reading all of this jibberish.

Back in the Saddle . . . Again

Cysts are gone! Nothing there but a couple of ovaries, all ripe for the growing of follies.

When I entered the office "across the street", the waiting room was void of all patients. Sweet! No beautifully round baby bellies staring at my broken, baby-killing uterus. When Nurse E took my bp (which was elevated again) and Dr. T came out to greet me, I said, "So this is what it's like on the other side! Let's get this going, so I can be here for real."

Being the completely immodest person I am, I start stripping once I walk into the exam room. Don't think the door was even closed - maybe I should work on that a bit. Nurse E, not being like my puncturer, wasn't fazed a bit. Dr. T comes in and proves that my ovaries are lovely. He used a machine that is being replaced on Monday for a newer model. That's when I had a great idea.

Dr. T and I discussed it, and we are going to start a business. Since we live merely a few blocks away from one another, we are going to take the old u/s machine to his house. He'll open up his garage doing FMS and u/s for $20. We're going to start recruiting the neighborhood infertiles first, and go from there. I'll let you know how that goes. ;)

Anyway . . . I started the Femara again yesterday and go back on the 9th for an FMS. Depending on what we see, we'll get ready for an hcg trigger shot and IUI. The worst part of this cycle is that my FSA (flexible spending account for medical) is gone. I've used all $1500 of it this year. It'll cost me cash out of my pocket now.

As I stepped out of the exam room, there was an obviously pregnant woman with her husband waiting to come in. Nurse E had just asked her how many weeks along she was (30) and if she'd done her glucose test (yes). Dr. T and I walk by them, and then is how it goes:

Dr. T: "Hey, do mind if she rubs your belly?"

Girl: smiles.

Dr. T: "She's infertile."

Girl: most likely freaks out on the inside.

Me: "I'll touch her belly if she takes the glucose test again." (insert cheeky smile)

Everyone: Game over.

I swear that Dr. T guy is insane sometimes. Any other person saying that would've gotten a punch in the head.

Another interesting moment happened as I was leaving the hospital. Walking down the hall, I see a girl with an obviously precious new baby in her arms. I walk the other way because I'm bitter and just not up to it after the belly-rub incident. I enter the elevator and push the button for the door to close. As the doors slide together, new mom with new baby walks up to the elevator and tries to step in. I jump to push the door open button and being pushing it frantically. I accidentally pushed the door close button. Oops. The doors close, and I am safe. (It really was an accident. I'm bitter but not rude.)

I left the building laughing out loud at myself because I am the insane one now. Maybe I caught it from Dr. T.

So, I'm Still Here

I haven't bled to death yet, so I guess I'll keep blogging. If you don't hear from me, you'll know that AF had her way with me and won. ;)

I went for acupuncture again today. This time it felt more like acuPUNCTURE than before. My puncturer asked if it was okay to be aggressive, so I said yes not knowing what aggressive meant. It meant he put needles in my scalp, on the top of my head, in my wrists and arms, on the sides of my finger, sticking out of my thumb, in my calves, on my back, into my neck, on my stomach, in my ankles, and some other places I lost count of along the way. When he put one of the needles into the side of my hand, it shot up my forearm clear up to my shoulder. I said, "Did you hit one of my nerves?" Puncturer said, "Western medicine call it nerve. We call it channel." Nerve, channel, I don't care. That was crazy. I think a few of those needles must've been way extra long & hit my ovaries. Okay, maybe they didn't really hit my ovaries but dang . . .

And now that I think about it, the only thing he had me take off today was my socks and shoes. Ha!

When I asked what the purpose was for this treatment today (in relation to IF), puncture man said that it was to "stimulate my uterine and ovaries" and "clear my woman channel". He also said to "find out what doctor say about cysts" and he will "make them goway if still there." Whatever. Just make it all work in there!

I go for my baseline u/s tomorrow. The worst part of it (other than AF being here and the dildo cam being involved with that) will be that Dr. T is on call, so I have to go "across the street." I know a few of you who read my blog know what that means since your doc is a part of the same practice as Dr. Terrific. "Across the street" means I'm going to the OB office. I've never made it across the street before. See, that's the good thing about Dr. T's office. The pregnant office and the unpregnant office are separate. So separate that they are across the street from one another.

It'll be okay though. The pg ladies and I will wait together. The lucky with the unlucky. The baby carriers with the baby killer. The fertiles with the infertile. The blessed with the unblessed. As long as nobody asks when I'm due, we'll be jjuuuusstttt fine.

Where is My Frequent Flyer Card?

Last night, as I was going to sleep, I had some pretty good cramps. I took some ibuprofen and rested. I felt okay after waking this morning, showering, and heading to school. Before 10:00 I could feel leaking. WTH? I went to the restroom to find that I had bled through a super-plus tampon, pantyliner, underwear and jeans. As any junior high girl would, I spent the rest of the day wearing a jacket tied around my waist.

By noon I had called Dr. T's office. I was still bleeding, leaking, having some cramps, borrowing pads from the nurse's office, and passing small clots here and there. Again, WTH? I was able to get an appointment right after school, so I made yet another 20 mile trek from work to the doctor's office. On Friday. In traffic. Ugh. My appointment was with Dr. R Sr. for the second time in a few weeks. (Note: Nurse Excellent knows I won't see his stoopid son ever again, so I doubt I'll ever mention Young Dr. R again.)

After peeing bleeding peeing into a cup for a sample, I naturally knew what to do - strip from the waist down and use the paper skirt to add to my overall fashion statement. After a swab, a pelvic exam (that hurt like shit), a finger stick (to learn I'm not quite anemic now), being given a crapload of samples of iron pills and orders for more vampiring, I learned this bloodbath I'm experiencing is one of two things: (1) I'm just having a terrible period. And I mean terrible. (2) I'm experiencing "complications from an early pregnancy" aka m/c. The bleeding is not the cysts rupturing. I'm just bleeding to death or something like that.

I told Dr. R that I'm not having any pg symptoms at all. With my history, I know when I'm pregnant. So, bets are that I'm having a really, really bad, nasty, horrible AF. The betas that the vampire drew today will verify that for sure, but those results won't be in until later next week.

So, after being in Dr. T's office for the FIFTH TIME in only 17 days, I asked the ladies at the front desk to punch my frequent flyer card. Everyone in that damn office knows me now, so you'd think they'd at least set up some kind of program just for me. Better yet, they could simply insert a baby in me during one of my many visits. Oh well . . .

I'm finally home, out of my nasty clothes, showered, and resting. Maybe DH will throw me a raw steak later, so I can elevate my iron levels.

NEXT BIG THING

After another OPK-challenging cycle, I called Nurse Excellent today. I left her a rambling voice mail which basically said, "I'm an idiot . . . can't read an OPK . . . got new ones that aren't digital . . . had O symptoms . . . what to do . . . can I come in . . . I'm at work . . . should I come in . . . have the school secretary push your call to me . . . I'm sorry . . . I'll have kids in my room, so I might speak in code . . . I know I'm a pain . . . thank you so much . . . and so on.

Nurse E and I talked a few times today. I'm so desperate that I actually say the words "egg white cervical mucus" while on the phone. Out loud. In front of my fourth graders. Dear mercy, I hope they thought I was ordering breakfast.

In talking with Nurse E I learn that, of course, Dr. Terrific was gone for the afternoon. I told Nurse E that I refused to let Young Dr. R near my hooha again, for fear that he might repeatedly mistake a large artery for an ovary. Dumbass. But I digress . . . My two options - meet with Old Dr. R (stupid Young Dr. R's awesomely smart dad) and take an impromptu half day off to do it (teachers know how freaking difficult this is) OR let Nurse E and I did our own little sonogram. Guess what we did? :)

I teach about twenty miles from the doctor's office, but thanks to the traffic gods I made it there in, let's say, ummmmmm 20ish minutes. Thanks to an awesome colleague/friend, I left as my kids actually left the front door. I got there and, walking half-nekkid around the exam room, we girls got down to bidness. Before jumping on the fancy bed with lovely crocheted stirrups, I dropped four or five used OPKs on the counter and said, "This is why I'm losing my mind." Of course, they all had CD #s and times written on them with varying degrees of darkness of pink lines here & there. Nurse E MUST think I'm losing it, and I just proved it to her. So, standing there still half-nekkid in front of Nurse E and my crappy sticks, we determined that I might have surged yesterday. Maybe.

I hopped up on the fancy table while Nurse E fired up the dildo cam. She took some measurements and was awesomely good with it all, showing me stuff along the way. Just to confirm everything, "Old Dr. R" (Young Dr. R's dad) did a backup u/s. He saw the line of pink sticks and probably thought I'd lost my mind and agreed that I probably durged yesterday (CD13 - early for me) and declared that I should O in the next 12 or so hours. Looked like a delightful trilaminar, 13mm lining with a possiblity of 4 little follies ready to get to work. I'm honestly not sure if I've Od or not, but I think I might have.

My instructions? Go home, have sex tonight, come back tomorrow for insemintation.

That's right. You heard it. IUI tomorrow!


Yep, I was just seeing if you were actually reading this blog. :)


I then drove another 20 miles back to school to write plans & get my shit together prepare everything for my sub.

On the way there, I flitted through 5:00 traffic and listened to some Christian music which always calms and focuses me. The words that I heard soared through my heart. I went from freaking out to calm to crying to praying to hoping again. Yes, I said hoping.

For hope to stand, one must have faith. I have faith and now I'm holding on to hope. I know with hope there is also fear and disappointment, but I must focus on the hope and cling to my faith. When the fear overcomes me, I will pray. And I will pray the prayer I say every day, "Lord, bless us with a child that we can carry to term and deliver as a healthy angel of yours for us to raise on Earth for you." All of the prayers, good thoughts, love, and good vibes you can muster are requested and appreciated.

Lord, hear our prayers.

I will update you tomorrow as I can. I'm sure there will be much prayer with much comedy along the way. Thanks . . . . . . .

Another Plan

We have a plan. A new plan. Another plan. A plan that I can't number anymore because I've lost count! So . . . DH and I visited Dr. T and Nurse Excellent today after months of not getting pregnant. (It's been over 16 months since I was last pg!) I was prepared to hear Dr. T tell me that we were headed to the OR again, and I spent some time on the way there preparing DH for the same.

When we got there, I warned Nurse Excellent that I forgot to take my bp meds this morning. She wouldn't let Dr. T talk to me while she was taking the reading for fear he'd make me talk or laugh. My blood pressure was way up (some # over 105), and we won't talk about how my weight is up as well. Fatass. But I ramble digress.

As DH and I enter Dr. T's office and sit down, the three of us began to review my history. Of course, DH quickly becomes lost in the acronyms and terms we were so casually throwing around. I asked DH if he had any questions, and he said, "Uh . . . well . . . yeah." Guess he doesn't read this blog - which is a good thing! - or he'd be better versed on his TTC/RPL/TTTC vernacular.

Anyway . . . we have a PLAN. Yes, ANOTHER PLAN.

No surgery!!! Dr. T read more into my HSG & MRI results from earlier this year and doesn't see the need for it. Plus, he feels the risks would outweigh the benefits. Whew! I wasn't really thrilled at the thought of tearing my uterus open to do another cleaning again.

Instead, we (well, I) will take Femara from CD 3-7, use OPKs (never done those before), CD 12-14 sono/follie check, IUI, then CD 21 vampiring for P4. I have been informed by DH that I *will* be helping with his end of the deal. Guess he feels that I need to be involved in the whole process since he probably won't even be there for the IUI. Dr. T made a joke that men will eventually be replaced by the new sperm that were developed, and soon they will become extinct. ;) But I ramble digress again.

I was told there will be NO charting, temping, checking CM, Mucinex, evening primrose oil, pineapple core, pom juice, or anything else like that. We have been instructed to take the "chill out route." No problem here. I can pee on sticks and not temp anymore! Dr. T said to abstain a couple of days before the IUI, so the boys can build up. Then Dr. T shared, "When I say we, I mean you guys. Not me. But then again my wife had back surgery and can't move well." Do you kinda see how these appointments go now? :)

Oh, the PLAN. Femara . . . OPKs . . . IUI. Hopefully a baby. We're doing IUI and praying to God that it all works. Ta-dum.

The PLAN

Sidenote: I had to call Dr. G&D's office today about obtaining my records, and (of course) it took a few calls just to execute a simple task. I asked them to send all of my charts to Dr. T's office, so he'll always have them and I can always access them. I honestly don't understand why patients can't get ALL of their chart. It IS my uterus. I should be able to have every single sheet of paper and film in that file. Makes me wonder what's really going on in that file if I can't have it ALL. Anyway . . .

I made it back home today, and I'm so glad. It's nice to be in a doctor's office where people are polite, caring, friendly, and doing their jobs as expected. Of course my blood pressure was high, but we aren't talking about that right now, are we? I'll try to make this brief, as it seems all of my recent posts have been close to the length of War & Peace.

Dr. Terrific and I sat down for my consult. Taking out my notes (dialogue) from the last discussion I had (and will ever have) with Dr. G&D, awesome Dr. T knew I was ready to get down & dirty. Dr. T first mentioned he heard that Dr. G&D has little sense of a personality. I told Dr. T he was wrong - that Dr. G&D has NO personality. He chuckled and said he was just being nice. :) He asked me to catch him up, and boy did I!

A brief analysis of points made by the FORMER RE, and Dr. T's responses. (not quoted, but very very close to his exact words)

Dr G&D, Point 1: No bicornuate uterus
Dr. T: told me he already knew that as he & I discussed last month. He just didn't see it during my lap surgery, which is when it would have been completely evident.

Dr G&D, Point 2: "MTHFR . . . is not associated with an increased in m/c."
Dr. T: Bullshit. We both know that isn't true. Especially for those who have the homozygous mutation. You will be taking Lovenox for your next pregnancy.

Dr G&D, Point 3: (speaking of Lovenox) I don't need to be on Lovenox for future pregnancies.
Dr. T: see response to point 2 (now Dr. T is getting agitated)

Dr G&D, Point 4: I can get pg, and if I make it past 8-10 weeks I might be okay.
Dr. T: I guess that's the fourth thing I completely disagree with now. WTH? (his words) A majority of fibroids cause problems in the middle of the 2nd Tri. Your losses have all been early, thus pointing to something else. I think it's a biochemical issue, which is why we need to do Lovenox.

Dr G&D, Point 5: Injectibles (Follistim) should be used to get pg quickly.
Dr. T: "And that's number 5."

Dr. T has been doing this for 23 years and has delivered over 8000 babies. Yet another reason why I value his opinion and trust him. (I have no proof of that with Dr. G&D.) I asked Dr. Terrific what he recommended. He told me that he couldn't make a choice for me, but he would give me the possibilities.

Possibility 1: Get pregnant (we know I can get pg) and start Lovenox the day I get a bfp. Continue with folic acid and baby aspirin. Close monitoring (including a perinatologist).

Possibility 2: Have a myomectomy which would include an abdominal incision, 1-2 days in the hospital, recovery time, possibility of breaking through the uterus, 5% need for blood transfusion in the OR for blood loss, scar tissue & making the uterine lining worse than it was. Then get pg, start Lovenox, continue folic acid and baby aspirin, close monitoring, etc.

Well, gosh. What do you think, my wonderful readers??? Well, I'm thinking Possibility 1 in case you're wondering. Dr. Terrific thought that would be a good idea, yet he also encouraged me to discuss it with DH. He then "scribed" (uh, scribbled!) our "PLAN" options.

PLAN A: SEX. Foltex. Lovenox.

PLAN B: Myomectomy. SEX. Foltex. Lovenox.

We're going with Plan A. In fact, we set PLAN A into action tonight. :) I'm pretty sure I've already Od according to my temps, but the PLAN is moving forward. It's so nice to have a PLAN. Please pray that this PLAN works to bring us not only a pregnancy, but a healthy pregnancy that ends with me delivering a healthy baby. That is all we want.

Lesson learned - ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. A woman's instinct is one of the strongest natural forces out there. If something doesn't look right, feel right, or sound right, validate your feelings and go with it.

Thank you, Dr. Terrific. I'll be calling about checking my cervix in the garage very, very soon. :)

Dr. T tomorrow

I'll let you know what happens. Hopefully I'll keep my pants on and my tears intact. I'm tired of paper skirts and crying all the time.

I need a secretary to take dictation.

I've had it.

Go the bathroom (or insert a catheter), get some popcorn (or a couple of meals), pour a cold drink (or ten), & let's see if I can get this down. I don't even know how to type all this crap out now. I need to get it out so I don't go completely insane and to help me remember when I do go nuts. Plus, I need the reminder in case I ever consider talking Dr. G&D ever, ever, ever again. Before I forget - I called the RE to whom I had been referred by friends and the first available appointment is at the end of February (aka as another cycle gone).

After the first call from Dr. G&D's office, my cell phone rings again. Two more times. While my class is taking a test! (Thank goodness for the vibrate ringer.) Dr. G&D wanted to at least do a phone consult with me. They asked if he could call me at 3:45. Sure. WTH.

So, the office calls AGAIN --- remember, they are efficient --- and when I call back, Dr. G&D is there to talk with me. I think he had enough sense to know that I am pissed at him and he is not my friend anymore. (I've been on the playground with the kids too much lately.) I was VERY short in my responses and my monotone voice showed my curtness, not courtesy.

Bottom line: I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I repeat, I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I do not have a septate uterus. I repeat, I do not have a septate uterus. WTF????? I'll be using a lot of quotation marks from here as I quote exactly what I wrote down while talking to Dr. G&D.

The HSG report showed "bicornuate uterus suspected." The MRI results "were not consistent with a bicornuate uterus or a septate uterus." He said on more than one occasion that my "uterine cavity is not normal." In looking at the HSG and MRI, Dr. G&D said that it appears there is a :uterine fibroid in the fundus (top) of the uterus." Another fibroid? And why is that damn thing STILL THERE? Didn't I just have surgery just 60 days ago to get all that crap out of my bum ute? I digress . . .

Dr. G&D also says that this is probably the only reason I'm having difficulty; that basically nothing else points to my losses. (I think he's more concerned than I am about WHY I've lost three babies. I've had to write off getting those answers to prevent me being taken away by the nice men with a three-armed white jacket.) I digress again . . . I responded, "Well, that and the MTHFR." He then states that "MTHFR by itself is not associated with an increase in miscarriage." Oh really, Sherlock? That's not what the research I've read offers. Through my research and talking with other women who have the MTHFR mutation, I beg to differ. Actually, I won't beg. I know that can't be true. There's just no effing way.

Then comes the suggestion that "we need to address the fibroid." As in send it a postcard? As in I need to send invitations to everyone for another hooha party? Dr. G&D vacillates between the facts that (1) I'm running out of time, (2) the fibroid needs to be "addressed", and (3) I need to get pregnant. I try multiple times to figure out what exactly he's talking about, and I begin to wonder if he even knows. (Funny that I would question that - AGAIN.) When I asked him what options he means, he says that it needs to be "addressed either abdominally or hysteroscopically." I think he's talking surgery. Again. The fourth in less than two years. Me = not happy. Still.

He continued to vacillate more than a cheap, old, metal fan with rust on it at your Meemaw's 100 year old house. He said that I could get pg, and if I "made it past 8 to 10 weeks" then things would probably be okay. How reassuring! I always spot in the sixth week of pregnancy (6w3d to be specific) and have miscarriages in the eighth week, so gosh, let's try the pg crapshoot again. I finally tell him that "I am getting mixed messages here. Are you saying that I need to get pg or have surgery?" I need one or the other. He finally says it - "Surgery."

Then I'm getting even more angry. I told him (while choking back tears because I cry when I don't scream) that "I wish I would've known this before the end of last year. I spent close to 1/10 of my annual salary last year, and this is STILL NOT FIXED." His heartfelt response? "I'm sorry." Asshole. That's just not enough. I then told him I needed to speak with my husband and ended the phone conversation.

Crying, I leave everything behind at school (and you have no idea HOW BEHIND I am right now) & trying not to completely lose my shit. For the bajillionth time in the past 22ish months, I have my personal cryfest in the car. I curse at people, I cry, and then the phone rings. It's DH. He knows I'm upset, so I tell him I talked to Dr. G&D and I'm not happy. We can talk when I get home.

Continuing on my quest, I call Dr. Terrific's office & leave a message with "Nurse Excellent" (Dr. T's wonderful, excellent, empathetic nurse) that I need to speak with Dr. T. She calls me back within twenty minutes and is not happy to hear what Dr. G&D said. When I mentioned surgery, Nurse E said, "Why don't you let Dr. T do it if it has to be done?" I hadn't thought of that. I told Nurse E that I will be contacting Dr. G&D's office on Monday to get all of my files together. "I want all reports, charts, films, and (party) pics. It's my uterus, and it will become a part of my uterine briefcase now." She wholeheartedly agreed. I'm going to become Rain Man after all by keeping my "red, severe injury book".

So . . . the next part of this screwed up story is a consult with Dr. T on Wednesday. If he can get me through this, get us pregnant, keep us pregnant, deliver us a precious little baby, and up my Prozac dosage in the meantime, then we might have a plan. He's my main man anyway.

Aannnnddd - SCENE.

Funnies from Dr. Terrific

Dr. T is a doctor who possesses a great sense of humor while also being a thorough, knowledgeable, and caring professional. One of his funniest quotes ever was, "It's great that you live less than a 1/2 mile from me. That will be convenient when you get pregnant. You'll be able to come down the street, & we can check your cervix in the garage!" Me: "There will be NO checking my cervix in the garage."

Here are some other funny quotes from Dr. T during my visit yesterday:

"I'll let you get changed. I used to stay in here while women disrobed, but someone once told me that it probably wasn't a good idea."

"We've made some changes around here. I had to let two of my girls go because they had no personality."

"One of those girls (that he let go) could probably work for Dr. G&D. Sounds like she'd fit right in!"

"What did we do to you in April?" (I told him about April, using my typical smartass tone.) "Well, good. I like a patient who knows what's going on."

"Well, I wouldn't want to give you the wrong information or make you mad." (I said, "Is that because I know where you live?") His reply, "Well, DUH!"

"Would you like to see pictures of my kids? That's probably not the best question to ask a habitual arborter, huh?" One must obviously have a good rapport with your doc for him to get away with saying something like that. I do, and I laughed while telling him I'm used to that question. His kids are all in college, by the way.

"When I talk with Dr. G&D, I'll make sure to talk to him about the Messiah." Dr. T is Christian & Dr. G&D is Jewish. I hope he mentions the Messiah after they discuss my uterus.

"I look forward to hearing about your sore breasts and nausea soon, so I can give you needles of Lovenox." SO DO I!!!

Like Coming Home

My annual "well woman exam" (I hate that term) was today with Dr. T, aka Dr. Terrific my OB/gyn. Seeing Dr. T felt like a breath of fresh air. His upbeat attitude, charm, sense of humor, and overall personality just make me love him. I'll share some of the fun we shared during my appointment at a later date. Yes, I used the word fun in the same paragraph as I mentioned my OB/gyn and a pap smear. You gotta know Dr. Terrific, I suppose.

When I updated him on everything from Dr. Gloom & Doom (aka, Dr. G&D my RE), Dr. T was very surprised to hear of the possibility of a bicornuate or septate uterus. He also didn't feel as if my left tube was closed. Dr. T pulled out the party pics from my surgery in April, and things just didn't seem to match up. Even I could tell. Granted, that was eight months ago, but the findings & details from April to December seemed very contradictory.

Past party pics showed no uterine defects, no closed tube, etc. Dr. T said tubes can often appear closed through an HSG due to spasms of the fallopian tube. Having experienced the massive cramping that occurs during the HSG, I can totally see (feel!) how that could happen.

I am going to have Dr. G&D contact Dr. T so the two of them can compare parties in my hooha discuss the various findings of my HSG, MRI, and both surgeries. Yes, I've had other doctors party in my hooha besides them, but they've always brought cake & gifts spent the most time all "up in dair." If it is deemed by BOTH doctors that another surgery is required, my request will be that they operate together. As I told my mom, "It's my body and what I say goes." Typically a negative nelly who is also a nurse, I was a bit taken aback when Mom agreed with my position.

So . . . after a weekend-long massive pity party for one, love and patience from DH, lots of support from strangers blog friends, IRL friends, and family, and an entertaining (as always) visit with Dr. T . . . I feel a little more positive. I'm working my way back into a mindset of the possibility that we might actually be able to have a baby. At least I'm going to give it a helluva try. God wouldn't punish me like that, would he? Oh, I hope not.

Because I Love My OB/gyn

And because he knows that I know where he lives (just down the road),
And because I have his personal cell number,
And because he's just a damn good doctor who cares,
Dr. T called me today so I could get his take on my upcoming surgery.


I let Dr. T know while I have confidence in Dr. G&D, that Dr. T and I have a longer history and I trust his judgment as well. He said that he feels Dr. G&D is a very good, talented doctor, and he'd do a good job. Dr. T asked about my lab results and was also a bit surprised that everything came back normal.

I asked the awesome Dr. T what he would like me to do upon my next BFP. As I thought, he wants me to call his office immediately so we can order betas, do an u/s, etc. I told him that Dr. G&D doesn't see the need for Lovenox injections (to help the MTHFR mutation & RPL), but I feel in my gut that I need it. Dr. T sees no reason why not & if I want it, that's what we'll do. I love, love, love the fact that he is willing to be aggressive and let me have a say in my treatment. So many doctors have a God complex, but Dr. T does not. He has a bit of an inflated ego but in a very funny, lighthearted, caring way.

Can you tell how thrilled/blessed/amazed/thankful I am to have Dr. T in my hooha corner? I just wish he only cost five cents like Lucy!

As Normal as Normal Can Be For Now

I called the RE's office, prepared to yell and get ugly if I had to do it. Luckily I called home first and heard the voice mail from Dr. G&D (for those of you not following along, Dr. Gloom & Doom = my RE).

All of my labs came back normal. Normal? Nothing about this whole trying to get pregnant, losing babies, having surgeries, and being vampired a bajillion times has been normal. Guess my Protein S & C, FSH, Glucose, testosterone, and whatever else they took were okay. Why do I doubt that is true?

Next step - hysteroscopy. Again. Luckily it won't be laparoscopic, so I won't wake up looking like I'm 6 months pregnant this time. After talking to Dr. T (aka Dr. Terrific = my OB/gyn), my two hooha docs decided Dr. D&G will do the surgery. We're temporarily slated for November 6th unless I got KU this cycle. We didn't try to, but we definitely didn't not try. I think I Od yesterday (CD14) from the looks of my temps.

I just hope they get out whatever is in there that shouldn't be & keep what's supposed to be in there. And I also hope for good drugs this time - NOT morphine though!