Get Back in That OR!

My hysterectomy is scheduled for Tuesday, January 17 at the butt-crack of dawn.  Yes, my final, big, hoo-ha party with Dr. T other than the annual love fest.  I'm having a little bit of mixed emotions about it.  I'm *only* 43 and losing my entire reproductive system.  I will never have a bio child.  How crazy is that thinking?  Pretty nuts if you ask me.  Of course I will never have a bio child - I HAVE NO EGGS!

I'm also dreading surgery. Again.  Granted, I'm doing a laparoscopic hysterectomy and not full abdominal surgery but still . . .  the cost, the time, the anesthesia, the pain, the sub plans, the time off work, the cleanup at work after I return, the recovery, more cost, more pain . . . all of that doesn't make it fun.  It needs to be done.  The pain and flow and frequency of my periods is out of control.  Three bad periods in six weeks is a bit much, huh?

Oh well.  Let's rip that bitch out! 

Goodbye fibroids!
Goodbye adenomyosis! 
Goodbye endometriosis! 
Goodbye ugly bum ute! 
Goodbye tubes! (only things that wever worked)
Goodbye ovaries!  (dried up jerks)
Goodbye periods!  (BEST part of all!)

And hheeeelllllllloooooooo hormones!   Bring on the patch or pill or cream or gel!

Glad I'm having the lap hyst BEFORE we meet our baby!  I don't want to be a broken mommy.  :)

Like Old Home Week

I had my annual appointment with Dr. Terrific today, and it was like going home after a long time away.  Crazy enough, it was good to see everyone.  It had been so long!  Dr. T and Nurse Excellent were there but Nurse Amazing had the day off.  I'm sure she'll be sad she missed us (me & my ute).  Dr. T was his typical goofy self, talking half the time in some bastardized version of English/Irish he made up on the fly.  You just learn not to ask . . .  :)

I went in with my typical barrage of questions and concerns and need for Rx refills, and as always, everything was addressed.  My main concern was that my periods have become almost unbearable since our failed IVF.  Because you know I love TMI, my periods have lasted a week with massive bleeding and clotting and hellish cramps.  A super plus tampon is lucky to survive two hours during the three-day heavy part of my cycle.

Therefore, we are looking at a hysterectomy.  Since the Englishman doctor knows I don't need my uterus anymore, it's a good option because things will only get worse from here.  I'm doing my research, but a laparoscopic hysterectomy is most likely going to be the best solution.  A full hysterectomy that takes my uterus and ovaries but leaves the cervix intact.  Done by Dr. T and maybe a robot (who better not be English or Irish!).  And I'm okay with it.  Get rid of the bad shit and avoid ovarian cancer while rubbing on hormone cream or wearing a patch to get me fixed..  Considering my hormones are out of whack, why not?

I just thought this pic was great & wanted to include it!

After a short time with the "dick stick", aka vaginal u/s, it was determined that my bum ute is dealing with adenomyosis, endometriosis, and more fibroids.  (God bless America, don't look at the fibroid pics on that link. Gag!)  Dr. Terrific, in his worst accent of course, said, "By God, get that bloody piece of crap out 'a there!"  Geez - crazy dude.


Because of these issues, an endometrial ablation is probably not the best answer for me.  DH and I are talking about the best option for me/us and we'll make a decision soon, even though I think our decision is made.  It's just a timing issue at this point and I'll probably need to look at paying for more effing medical costs again.  (Poor baby might now get new nursery furniture - ha!)

But don't worry my dear followers and loves . . . my barren uterus will be more than barren, but it will continue here to ramble on and on and on.  You know, I'm gonna be a Mommy someday!  Woohoo!

Welcome to the Astrodome

I decided a few minutes ago that it would be better to say,

"Welcome to Cowboys Stadium with a lovely,
 enclosed, diamond-encrusted rooftop!"

Doesn't that sound better?  Obviously my surgery is complete.  (I could say done since I kinda had a fork stuck in me but naaahhhh.)  All went well as far as I've been told.  My throat is KILLING ME from the intubation, and I'm a bit sore, but that is all.  I have a band-aid across my belly button and no other incisions!  :)  Dr. T removed the scar tissue, found & removed a polyp, found my tubes to be clear & open, and I think he said some endo was removed.  He told DH that there was no way an embryo could've implanted in there.

So, I'm home, resting, and have a crazy narcotic-driven hunger right now.  Think I'll take some meds and try to rest.  More details about stuff later.  Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, messages, calls, cards & other wonderful love.  G'night!

Twelve Hours from Now

Dr. T says that I'll have a uterus as nicely shaped and shiny as the Astrodome.  Don't know why he didn't say Cowboys Stadium . . . we'll have to talk about that in the morning.

I'm chugging water for now and plan to take my Cytotec (yuck) just before I'm NPO at midnight.  Check in at the hospital is 7:45 in the morning, and I hope to be home by 2:00ish.  I swear this bum ute of mine better work, and I'm serious about getting some diamonds encrusted in the damn thing.  Don't even think I'm kidding.

I'll try to produce some drug-induced ramblings in the next couple of days just so you can join in on the fun.

7 minutes until I begin cramping like a mother, withering from dehydration, and starving to death.  Shit, make that six.

Change

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~ Maya Angelou

How true is that statement?  When I think back through the past three years, six years, ten years, twenty years . . . it is truly amazing all of the changes I've been through and seen.  Many say that change is not good, but sometimes it is.  Change is inevitable - there is nothing we can do about that.  It's simply called LIFE.  How we approach it is what we can control.  Our choice of attitude and perspective on any given situation can often determine how we weather any storm or appreciate any sunny day.

As I move into this week with a bit of apprehension and fear about my surgery, I am choosing to remain positive and hopeful that this WILL BE the change that helps us to reaching our dream of having a family.  I am choosing not to worry about it all, and that will be difficult.  All I can do it hope and pray that when our dream is fulfilled that I can look back through the really tough and devastating times, and say, "Aaahhh . . . okay.  I get it now."

Hope.  That crazy, crazy thing called hope.

What's Up, Balloon Girl?

As I said in my previous post, the fundus of my uterus - the top part - is covered in adhesions (scar tissue) that cover over 25% of my uterine cavity.  When an embryo implants, it most often implants in the top, posterior (backside) of the uterus.  Because this area is scar tissue that has no blood flow, an embryo would basically "bounce" off the scar tissue and either (1) not find a good place to hang out for the next nine months, (2) find a place to implant and miscarry, or as I asked Dr. Super (3) implant somewhere, grow into what appears as a viable pregnancy and become a late m/c due to lack of blood flow or, worse, (4) implant, grow, and need to be an early delivery ending in fetal demise due to IUGR.

So . . . the scar tissue needs to go.  Dr. Super thinks it is possible for a fibroid to have regrown behind the scar tissue, but it can't be seen until the adhesions are gone.  I'm in the process of setting up everything for my exciting surgery.  Sounds like it will need to be a laparascopic hysteroscopy in which they'll remove the scar tissue and any potential fibroid behind it.  I talked with Nurse Amazing yesterday, and Dr. Terrific is on board for knifing me again doing my surgery.  School is out for both DH and I on June 4th, so I'm hoping to plan it for that next week.

What will the surgery "look" like?  Well, it sounds like the adhesions need to be "shaved down" during the surgery.  It's possible that two surgeons will need to work together to make that happen.  I'm going to discuss that with Dr. T.  I want this to be the LAST surgery I need.  I think four in three years is plenty.  Anyway. . .

After the surgery is complete, Dr. Super is recommending that I am placed  on a strong regiment of E2 in order to help the lining quickly heal and replenish itself.  Estrogen is the hormone that rebuilds your uterine lining.  The most exciting part (note: SARCASM) is that Dr. S also recommends that a balloon be placed in my uterus and inflated to keep my uterus expanded.  When raw tissue (such as the inside of my surgeried ute) touches, it adheres to itself to increase blood flow.  That's what creates the adhesions, which is why Dr. S thinks my adhesions came from one of my previous surgeries (either D&C or EHLC-Rita).  The balloon will remain inflated in my uterus for at least 3-4 days post op, and will create quite a bit of cramping.  The balloon will apparently have a tube that hangs out of me (ew ew ew!) and will be taped to my leg until I go in to have it removed.  I found a few pics online, but you can search those on your own.  I'm surely not posting them here! 
How much I have to look forward to, huh???  The things I/we have done to simply have a baby.

Hopefully my AMH results will be in soon.  Pray for normal!  So - what else do you want to know?  Just comment with your questions & I'll try to answer them.  I'm exhausted, finished rambling (for now), freaked out a bit after talking about the balloon & going to bed.  I hope I don't have balloon dreams now.

The One Thing I HAVEN'T Heard

"Here's the answer." 

I haven't heard that in this whole journey.  However, I heard it for the first time today.  Not only did I hear the answer, I saw it with my own eyes.

Today's appointment with Dr. Super becomes a long story, but I'll give some of the basics now and follow up with details later.  Hope that is acceptable to some of the nosy people readers here.  :)  You know I love the nosy ones and the readers alike!

1.  The fear and apprehension I had about today's appointment - mainly the hysteroscopy - was (as always) worse than the actual procedure itself.  Granted, a foot-long, metal pole-thing that shoots saline inside of your bum ute and takes video isn't fun, but I expected worse.  (For the record, I took photos of said scary pole thing.)

2.  The answer?  Adhesions - scar tissue - is taking over 1/4 of my uterine cavity.  The fundus of my uterus is completely blocked.  Surgery will be needed (yuck), but it has to be done.

3.  My AMH results will be back in a few days.  I hope and pray, pray, pray that it's normal.

4. If my AMH is normal, there is a strong possibility that we could actually conceive a baby on our own without ART.  Amazing, hope-inspiring, and nerve-racking.

5.  I'm totally pissed off at Dr. Gloom & Doom.  His stupid ass should have caught this.  He did the SAME EXACT procedure I had today with me under anesthesia and cost me a shitton of dollars and lots of valuable time.  There is absolutely no reason he should have missed it.  Even I noticed the scar tissue, and I'm not a licensed medical professional.  A few people have already recommended that I pursue legal action against this S.O.B., but I prefer to direct my energy elsewhere.

I'll have more details coming about the appointment itself, what I saw during the procedure, the pictures that were drawn  by Dr. Super, causes, follow up, what surgery would entail & more.

The saga continues . . .



PS: There have been several people that are IRL friends, internet friends, online/board friends, readers, and others who have sent me love and well-wishes lately. Thank you. I've been in a real reflective place about all of "this" lately & haven't responded to many of you who have reached out, but please know it hasn't gone unnoticed and that I love you and appreciate you.

Since I Was "Asking for It"

The "Party Scene" before we began.
The IUI process went very well.  Between yesterday's 14ish mm lining (the best for me yet), a 21.7mm follie & trigger plus today's awesome numbers for DH (55.1 mil motile sperm post-wash w/ normal parameters for everything) and my body appearing ready (pinching, cramping, etc.), this one better work.

When Nurse Excellent came into the exam room with some other party materials (for the IUI), Dr. T said, "She didn't need any of that.  Her cervix is ready and just asking for it!"

A few other quotes because you know you want them:
"Damn!  That man (my DH) has a lot of sperm!"  SuperDH had over 55mil post wash!

"Looking at those numbers (of sperm), this (our IF) just couldn't be his fault."  I thanked him for that one.  ;)

"So . . . you're naming this one Jeffrey, right?"  Jeffrey is his first name.  When I told Dr. T that I have a brother named Jeffrey, so it wouldn't be happening, he said, "That's actually wonderful.  We researched my family back to the year 1740, and there was lots of the same names."  Guess I'm a part of the family now.

"I reeeallly want to get you pg this time.  Not just because I want you pg, but I always want to take money away from all of those infertility docs waiting for you and IVF."  Me, too, Dr. T!
=========================================================================================

After I left the doctor's office, I joined my oldest sister for a yummy sushi lunch.  When we said our goodbyes, she game me a big hug with a slight high-five from her fertile uterus for good measure.  (Yep - picture THAT!)  Both of my sisters have said they have a good feeling about this.  It's definitely a time to believe what my sisters say, huh?

Coming to you LIVE!!!

I am sperminated, now elevated, & pray to soon be elated.

I've been an emotional wreck this morning.  I want lunch & a nap when I get out of here.  And, no Dr. Terrific, I am not naming this child after you.

So Much to Ramble . . .

So little energy to ramble it. Let's see . . . we'll start with one of my favorite phrases. I learned it from a client many years ago, and I have neither forgotten it nor stopped living it.

Pronounced "bo-hee-kah":

- Update: Had a nice, little conversation with the billing bimbo at Dr. G&D's office. I basically said, "So, since you're new in this position, I will assume your predecessor did not do her job effectively and is gone for a reason." I then had to call my benefits department to contact my now former insurance company to have them contact G&D's office. Incompetent fools.

- Got a bill from Dr. Terrific's office today for the failed IUI. Didn't think I'd get away with not getting billed for it since it didn't work. Yes, hope was still alive for that one!

- I had my first acupuncture appointment today. I'm interested to see what kind of long-term effects I will gain from it. I didn't feel the needles at.all. There was a bit of a radiating sensation from the needle site, but that was it. We are working on infertility, hand numbness, and back pain. Apparently, my "chi needs to be balanced and raised" and my "uterus needs to be warmed". Okay. I'm game for anything at this point. I even told the acupuncturist to hang me from the ceiling by my feet if he thought it would work. He didn't laugh. I thought it was kinda funny.

- Speaking of funny, I had an interesting moment at the acu office today. After the voodoo was done on my back, the acu had me move to another room for my front voodooing. He had me put on my shirt to move rooms vs. leave my pretty white paper shirt on to walk to the next room over. Then he told me to take my top off and roll up the legs of my pants. When I told him that I left my paper shirt in the other room, he said not to worry about it. Okay. So I stripped down and laid on the table. When Mr. Voodoo came into the room, he seemed a little rattled. It was at that point he grabbed a lab jacket and said, "Let's put this . . . uh . . . there." Oops. I think I was supposed to leave my bra on. He got a full Mardi-Gras style flashin' from me. Of course, I didn't think it was anything until I got in the car to go home. Mr. Voodoo probably thinks I'm a freak. Maybe I am. Infertility will do that to any sane woman, ya know.

- And for the record, I'm tired of former pregnancy loss and infertile women bitching, moaning, whining, and complaining. Many of these women are pg again for the 2nd time since I first got to know them after we both m/c. The complaining about being pg or being a mom must stop in person, on FB, in blogs, and anywhere else where I have access. STFU to all of you. If you want to trade places, I'll do it. Anything to ease your pain and discomfort.

That's all the rambling I can muster for now. I'm tired -- goodnight!

No Pep Rally Here

After dropping off my ring & learning that I need a new iPod, I headed back to the ARTS Center to pick up DH's masterpiece. All washed and clean, I carried the styrofoam cup protecting the test-tube with pride. Goodness knows there wasn't anywhere in my purse to put it, and I sure as hell wasn't going to cruise around a huge hospital and parking lot with a big, white cup in between my tits.

I stood in line for the first time ever at Dr. T's office. With cup in hand. How sexy was I? Hhhmmm . . . wonder why I was there? :) When I asked the receptionist if she needed to send it back while I waited, you'd thought I'd offer her a sip of arsenic-laced tea. We both laughed. Kinda. I reviewed the lab report, trying to decipher it. All I noticed was low volume and low morphology due to lack of abstinence. Of course, I get concerned. While I'm waiting, I'm texting back & forth with my friend Sarah, who is my own doc on the side. (Well, she's not a doctor but she plays one in my IF life.) She seems less concerned than I am about numbers.

Nurse Amazing, who works for Dr. Terrific and with Nurse Excellent, escorts me back to take my blood pressure. Being that it was extremely high yesterday, she's telling me to relax and think good thoughts. She then begins taking deep breaths and says, "Think babies." I think BABY (singular!) but my bp is still high. That's what anxiety will do to you.

I am taken to an exam room - the same room where we saw our first and only fetal heartbeat so many months ago. I change into my pretty paper skirt and hop up on the table. Nurse A comes back in and asks how many IUIs we've had. I tell her that I've so many parties down there that I'm surprised I know the answer is zero. She laughs. Humor deflects nervousness for me, I suppose.

Dr. T comes in and tells me to assume the position. I don't even stare at the sign above me like I used to do. (I took the pic at the top of this post so you could experience my view.) Funny Dr. T has it hanging on the ceiling above all his exam tables. :) He looks at the numbers from the lab & says they look "GREAT!" The goal is to have 16 million motile sperm post-wash, and DH's proud soldiers numbered 38.9 mighty million! I was so proud of my husband and his workers.

As he preps the catheter, I ask Dr. T if he has any pep rally music or if Nurse Excellent could come in and do a cheer. (See again the above-mentioned humor deflecting nervousness.) We both thought I was funny, and Dr. T said that was a good idea. I then elevated my hips for about 15ish minutes, and he came in and said goodbye.

Feeling a little bit of disappointment for the lack of pomp & circumstance, I asked Dr. T where to go from here. I suppose he was a blond before he began to turn gray, my wonderful inseminator told me how to get to the exit of the office. Poor guy. Once I told him that I knew my way around his office fairly well, I was told to wait for a couple of weeks to see if AF shows. Yep, it was all that uneventful. However, as I was walking out, Dr. T said, "You know, you kind of have a glow to you." Nurse A agreed. "Maybe you're already pregnant!" he called out. I smiled and hoped that he was right.

DH called as I was leaving the parking lot, and I told him how wonderful he and his boys were today. I went and had some air added to my tires, got lunch, went home & ate. The cramping started soon after, so I had a nap. Now I'm just sitting on my ass with some cramping while wondering how I'm going to entertain myself over the 2ww.

Is This a Test?

After dropping off DH's mighty soldiers to the ARTS lab this morning, I headed to Panera for some breakfast, hot tea, and 1 on 1 laptop time. I carefully prepared my Earl Grey like I want it, and headed to my table.

That's when I saw it. A beautiful, silver, FAT money clip on the ground. I looked around to see mainly women in the cafe. I slowly picked up the clip . . .

. . . and headed to the counter and turned it in. Darnit. I'm hoping this was a test by God to make sure I'm a good person. :) Maybe it's because I feel asleep praying last night. haha

Slept okay last night - at least a few hours - and I've enjoyed traffic, carrying around a cup between my breasts, breakfast, and now some hot tea. When the mall opens at 10, I will visit Tiffany & Co. to see if my ring can be repaired. I will then visit the Apple store to see if my iPod can be repaired.

After dropping off a $170 cup of sperms, heading to two fairly expensive (and dangerous) stores, and paying for the IUI, this could be an expensive day. And it's not even 10am.

*** One other important thing: I know many strangers, friends, colleagues, neighbors, and family (well, sisters & cousins) read our blog. If you know me personally, I would appreciate you keeping your discussion of this blog and our IF journey between you and me and the blog. I haven't had any issues regarding this matter, but I am surprisingly a somewhat private person about certain things - the details of our infertility being one of them. (Guess DH has rubbed off on me some!) I'd be more than happy to talk with you about it all and answer any questions you may have, but I'd prefer that not everyone at work, home, friends, acquaintances, etc. know exactly what's going on in my personal life and discuss it outside of my presence. Thanks for your respect and consideration. I appreciate all of the prayers and love and reaching out from everyone. Please keep it up!

I'm off to make another cup of tea and head to the mall. More updates later. Love all of you!

NEXT BIG THING

After another OPK-challenging cycle, I called Nurse Excellent today. I left her a rambling voice mail which basically said, "I'm an idiot . . . can't read an OPK . . . got new ones that aren't digital . . . had O symptoms . . . what to do . . . can I come in . . . I'm at work . . . should I come in . . . have the school secretary push your call to me . . . I'm sorry . . . I'll have kids in my room, so I might speak in code . . . I know I'm a pain . . . thank you so much . . . and so on.

Nurse E and I talked a few times today. I'm so desperate that I actually say the words "egg white cervical mucus" while on the phone. Out loud. In front of my fourth graders. Dear mercy, I hope they thought I was ordering breakfast.

In talking with Nurse E I learn that, of course, Dr. Terrific was gone for the afternoon. I told Nurse E that I refused to let Young Dr. R near my hooha again, for fear that he might repeatedly mistake a large artery for an ovary. Dumbass. But I digress . . . My two options - meet with Old Dr. R (stupid Young Dr. R's awesomely smart dad) and take an impromptu half day off to do it (teachers know how freaking difficult this is) OR let Nurse E and I did our own little sonogram. Guess what we did? :)

I teach about twenty miles from the doctor's office, but thanks to the traffic gods I made it there in, let's say, ummmmmm 20ish minutes. Thanks to an awesome colleague/friend, I left as my kids actually left the front door. I got there and, walking half-nekkid around the exam room, we girls got down to bidness. Before jumping on the fancy bed with lovely crocheted stirrups, I dropped four or five used OPKs on the counter and said, "This is why I'm losing my mind." Of course, they all had CD #s and times written on them with varying degrees of darkness of pink lines here & there. Nurse E MUST think I'm losing it, and I just proved it to her. So, standing there still half-nekkid in front of Nurse E and my crappy sticks, we determined that I might have surged yesterday. Maybe.

I hopped up on the fancy table while Nurse E fired up the dildo cam. She took some measurements and was awesomely good with it all, showing me stuff along the way. Just to confirm everything, "Old Dr. R" (Young Dr. R's dad) did a backup u/s. He saw the line of pink sticks and probably thought I'd lost my mind and agreed that I probably durged yesterday (CD13 - early for me) and declared that I should O in the next 12 or so hours. Looked like a delightful trilaminar, 13mm lining with a possiblity of 4 little follies ready to get to work. I'm honestly not sure if I've Od or not, but I think I might have.

My instructions? Go home, have sex tonight, come back tomorrow for insemintation.

That's right. You heard it. IUI tomorrow!


Yep, I was just seeing if you were actually reading this blog. :)


I then drove another 20 miles back to school to write plans & get my shit together prepare everything for my sub.

On the way there, I flitted through 5:00 traffic and listened to some Christian music which always calms and focuses me. The words that I heard soared through my heart. I went from freaking out to calm to crying to praying to hoping again. Yes, I said hoping.

For hope to stand, one must have faith. I have faith and now I'm holding on to hope. I know with hope there is also fear and disappointment, but I must focus on the hope and cling to my faith. When the fear overcomes me, I will pray. And I will pray the prayer I say every day, "Lord, bless us with a child that we can carry to term and deliver as a healthy angel of yours for us to raise on Earth for you." All of the prayers, good thoughts, love, and good vibes you can muster are requested and appreciated.

Lord, hear our prayers.

I will update you tomorrow as I can. I'm sure there will be much prayer with much comedy along the way. Thanks . . . . . . .

Follie Scan Tomorrow

Time to break out the dildo cam . . . it's another hooha party! I tried to sneak in get in today, but Dr. T is out of town. :/ This is where the challenging part comes in since I start back to school tomorrow morning at 8am. Guess all I have to do is start to tell my principal details to get away quickly!

I am VERY bloated, crampy, nauseous, and still have the stabbing sensations on my bowling ball ovaries - mainly that bratty left one. Send your bigass follicle dust this way please! I hope the B.I. (big insemination!) is almost here.

Also, my Stevie-dog made it to Round 3 of the Cutest Dog Competition! He'd appreciate your vote by clicking on his cute face in the sidebar or clicking here. Don't forget that you can vote every day!!

HSG: No news is good news, but . . .

. . . not good news is simply not good news. It's not BAD news, just not good.

Disclaimer: If your eyes, ears, heart, mind, or whatever is highly sensitive or offended by cursing . . . sorry. I'm not happy and I'm tired of filtering when I write. I can just hope that you and God forgive me. Oh, and this is probably going to be long and rambly.

I just got back from my HSG. About the HSG - not too bad. Cramping? Oh hell yeah. You know exactly when that dye goes in. Geez. Dr. Gloom & Doom, who actually showed a some personality today, gathered 'round the video screen pointing and chatting about my ute with the radiologist. I hear hhmmmm, blahblahblah, etc. At that point, I'm trying not to cry. Either way, it can't be stellar news. Plus, I'm still cramping. There was no glittering of what should be my diamond-encrusted uterus. None at all. Piece of crap ute. I've spent all this damn money and it's still a piece of shit.

They snap a few pics and Dr. G&D comes over to me. He tells me that my left tube is completely closed. When the fuck did that happen? It was just fine in April when my OB/gyn, Dr. Terrific, did my lap surgery which included chromotubation. Everything was wide open & in working order. Well shit. Yeah I know you can get pg with one tube, but really, isn't two better? God gave me two, so I should be able to use them.

I'm thinking, okay - this is survivable. Take that one tube and run with it. Then Dr. G&D opens his mouth again, telling me the shots taken show something abnormal. He believes my uterus is either septate or bicornuate. He's leaning more towards the latter of the two. Delightful! I have a dead tube and a fucked up uterus. And why the hell has nobody ever figured that out? I've had multiple OB/gyns partying in my hooha and nobody figured out anything? What else???

An MRI - that's what else! We tried to schedule it for today, but they were booked. Then I thought, "What the hell, what about a mammogram while I'm here?" They were booked as well. Maybe I should've scheduled some kind of plastic surgery for the afternoon to make me feel better instead.

I held it together until I got into my car and headed home. That's when I lost it. I've been so good at keeping it all together lately and needed the release. I'm frustrated as hell. This is not fair. I don't deserve this. DH doesn't deserve this. What am I supposed to be learning from all of this? Why does this have to be so difficult? I just want a baby. You know - a baby - just like all crackwhores, teenagers, prostitutes, crazyass, and loser women have all the time.

The MRI is tomorrow. We'll get more definitive answers then. From there, almost definitely resection surgery. That needs to happen in the next two weeks. Go, Speed Racer. Drive your fucking ass to the finish line and give me your baby. I digress . . . They offered me Xanax to take prior to the MRI tomorrow, and I declined. Since DH wants to go with me (He said, "You've been through enough already."), I'm calling them and telling them to get the drugs ready. And keep 'em coming. Between Xanax, DH, my iPod, and Josh Groban up high, I should be fine. I've had an MRI before and I'm not claustrophobic, but I don't want to suddenly become that way tomorrow. Plus, I've never had Xanax and it might be good for me to try it out. :)

Jesus, I'm so fucking tired of having all of my shit be wrong and need fixing. I swear to God right now that I'll officially snap if anyone tells me that "Gosh, at least you can get it fixed," or "Thankfully it'll be okay," or "At least you got answers, " or "You should be happy you know why you m/c," or "Don't worry, I'm sure things will be fine," or any of the other shit-you-shouldn't-dare-say-or-are-supposed-to-say-to-RPL-and-IF-women.

I am in love with my amazing husband, and I just want to have a baby with him. That's all. I just don't know how much more we're going to have to endure before that happens. I just don't more how much I can take physically, emotionally, and financially.

For now, I shall drink lots of wine. The next procedure I require will be to resuscitate my liver. Unless that Xanax is nice . . . then there's no telling what might happen.

Getting Plans In Motion!

Remember Plan #5,457,356,068 - or something like that? Well, tomorrow that plan will begin rolling!

My HSG is tomorrow at 2pm CST. Hopefully there will be NO uterine septum. If there is, then I'll have surgery sometime in the next two weeks (before the year is over). We'll then discuss option for this cycle. As previously mentioned, Dr. Gloom & Doom (RE) wants me to begin injection therapy using Follistim.

Please also pray that donated Follistim can be found, as these two poor teachers can't afford over $1000 on a wing & a prayer. Even if it wasn't on a wing & a prayer, we just don't have that kind of money right now. I'm not at all worried about the procedure itself, but I ask for your prayers and good thoughts that everything goes well.

My recovery should be easy since DH's work Xmas party is tomorrow night - and there will be wine. :)

Feedback

I received a feedback form from the hospital where I had both surgeries (April & last week). In April, I didn't send in my feedback. This time I did.

At check-in for both surgeries, they were visibly understaffed and sent me to L&D to check in. I was not happy the first time & it was all I do not to cry. They did again last week & I was pissed.

So, in my feedback I explained the situation and told them something to the effect of "Being a woman who had three m/cs in a year, I found it difficult when I was told to go check-in at L&D due to understaffing. Not all patients (and their families) being treated in the Women's Center are there for a joyous occasion. Having to check in where families are gathering, people are excited hearing good news, women are having their babies, etc. was hurtful and inconsiderate. I hope the hospital will consider the state of their patients in the future, and find a more courteous and considerate alternative to checking in for surgery."

It had an optional space for your name and number, but I didn't leave mine because I don't feel like discussing myself over the phone with yet another stranger.

24 hours later, and

I feel like shit. Tylenol 3 is like candy for me (kinda like morphine!). I haven't slept. I can't. Although I went to bed at 9:45ish last night, I woke up every 1-2 hours to pee. I tried to sleep throughout the day, but I can't. I'm not cramping much, but my abdomen is sore, my head hurts, and my eyes & face are puffy and swollen.

Tonight, I get to play doctor and switch my pain meds to something more powerful. Dr. Rambler is currently debating between Hydrocodone and Percoset. Hhhmmm . . . such an important decision for the patient. Dr. thinks Hydrocodone will win first place. Percoset makes her goofier than usual.

At least my mom came by and gave us flu shots today. I needed more poking. :)

So from the bed of the Rambler . . . with Mindy my cat on the left, and Steve my dog on the right - Nighty Night - I hope!

Surgery #3 - The lowdown.

Disclaimer: I've tried to type this in a coherent, gramatically correct, perfect spelling post. If any of that does not happen, blame it on the drugs.

From a recovery standpoint, this surgery is MUCH better than my last! I think the fact that it was a hysteroscopy and not a laparoscopy, coupled with the fact that I told the docs no morphine, really helped. I was so blown up from the lap surgery that I was miserable. This time I'm just blown up from being fat. ;)

Surgery began around 2:oo, and I woke up in recovery having some nice discussions with my recovery nurse about her job, how my mom was a nurse, how I wanted to be a nurse, etc. Guess I was pretty coherent (at least in my mind - ha!). I also woke up needing to go to the bathroom, so when I was taken back to my room around 4:30 or so, I was ready to pee and eat/drink so I could go home! I was a good girl - sipping my ginger ale, eating my crackers, and requiring no pain meds since recovery. (I also knew pain meds = 1 more hour in the hospital.)

In the HSC, Dr. G&D (my RE) removed a fibroid that was on the backside of my uterus - where embroys typically like to implant. He told my DH that everything went well. Dr. G&D also said there is a slight possibility of a uterine septum. WTH? Why haven't any of the thousands of men in my hooha seen it? Guess we'll discuss this more during my postop appointment. DH and I were both told that we need to get pg asap, and at my postop we can discuss how agressive we would like to be. We'll be as agressive as we need, as long as agressive does not = lots of cash. The good news from the surgery? It cost me nothing! Guess that's the silver lining of multiple surgeries in one year since I met my annual deductible and out of pocket expenses in April!

We got home some time after 6ish (I think), ate dinner, and I got in bed. I checked email, my online boards, etc. then watched some TV. I went to bed around 9:30 after some snuggle time with my DH on one side and my Stevie on the other. I wanted so desperately to sleep like a rock throughout the night, but I've been up every hour or two to go to the bathroom. Gggrrrrr. I'm a little sore in my abdomen and my throat is really sore from being intubated. The meds are making me a little light-headed, but that's okay as long as I'm not hurting. Plus, I'm probably a little light-headed naturally. ha!

This morning, DH asked me "what my plans are for today". WTH does that mean? Uhhh, I'm sitting on my ass, sleeping, and expecting food and beverage delivery throughout the day. Yep, those are my plans! Luckily my mother will be by later in case I need some real TLC that sometimes only my mom can provide. Of course, that can be a double-edged sword because it often is accompanied by nagging and unsolicited advice. For now, I'll take it. :)

Thanks for all of the prayers, thoughts, warm fuzzies, emails, and messages. My friends and this online community of strangers friends with whom I am blessed have saved me time and time again. I love all of you!

Ready, Set, GO!

Dr. G&D (who actually chuckled yesterday!) prescribed misoprostol that I took last night. Cramping again. Fun. More bleeding. Delightful. I've only been bleeding for 14 days now. Luckily there are pain pills for after I get home. I love pain pills. In fact, I wish I could take one now. :)

Today is starving-to-death today since I can't eat or drink anything as of midnight. Of course I did a lot of grocery shopping this week, and our kitchen is filled with yummy fruits, breads, meats, veggies, cheese, etc. (mmmmm!) Hospital check-in is at 11:45. I'll get vampired & then given the chance to sit around and chew my fingernails or something less entertaining. Surgery is set for 1:45. I hope to be home no later than 6:00. I just hope my pain can be better managed this round.

Last night I was emotional, and I am again this morning. This has been a stressful week in many ways & I probably need the release. I'm just feeling really left behind lately. It seems like there are babies and children all around us, but none of them are ours. I hate feeling lonely - especially when I'm surrounded by people. This journey has been so difficult. I know when we have a beautiful, healthy baby to bring home it will make more sense. But for now, it still hurts.

I'm a little nervous but also ready to get this over with. Here we go . . .