So Much to Ramble . . .

So little energy to ramble it. Let's see . . . we'll start with one of my favorite phrases. I learned it from a client many years ago, and I have neither forgotten it nor stopped living it.

Pronounced "bo-hee-kah":

- Update: Had a nice, little conversation with the billing bimbo at Dr. G&D's office. I basically said, "So, since you're new in this position, I will assume your predecessor did not do her job effectively and is gone for a reason." I then had to call my benefits department to contact my now former insurance company to have them contact G&D's office. Incompetent fools.

- Got a bill from Dr. Terrific's office today for the failed IUI. Didn't think I'd get away with not getting billed for it since it didn't work. Yes, hope was still alive for that one!

- I had my first acupuncture appointment today. I'm interested to see what kind of long-term effects I will gain from it. I didn't feel the needles at.all. There was a bit of a radiating sensation from the needle site, but that was it. We are working on infertility, hand numbness, and back pain. Apparently, my "chi needs to be balanced and raised" and my "uterus needs to be warmed". Okay. I'm game for anything at this point. I even told the acupuncturist to hang me from the ceiling by my feet if he thought it would work. He didn't laugh. I thought it was kinda funny.

- Speaking of funny, I had an interesting moment at the acu office today. After the voodoo was done on my back, the acu had me move to another room for my front voodooing. He had me put on my shirt to move rooms vs. leave my pretty white paper shirt on to walk to the next room over. Then he told me to take my top off and roll up the legs of my pants. When I told him that I left my paper shirt in the other room, he said not to worry about it. Okay. So I stripped down and laid on the table. When Mr. Voodoo came into the room, he seemed a little rattled. It was at that point he grabbed a lab jacket and said, "Let's put this . . . uh . . . there." Oops. I think I was supposed to leave my bra on. He got a full Mardi-Gras style flashin' from me. Of course, I didn't think it was anything until I got in the car to go home. Mr. Voodoo probably thinks I'm a freak. Maybe I am. Infertility will do that to any sane woman, ya know.

- And for the record, I'm tired of former pregnancy loss and infertile women bitching, moaning, whining, and complaining. Many of these women are pg again for the 2nd time since I first got to know them after we both m/c. The complaining about being pg or being a mom must stop in person, on FB, in blogs, and anywhere else where I have access. STFU to all of you. If you want to trade places, I'll do it. Anything to ease your pain and discomfort.

That's all the rambling I can muster for now. I'm tired -- goodnight!

Are you serious????

I'm almost rendered speechless, but not quite.

I received by mail a bill on Thursday. Yes, on Thursday, October 15, 2009. Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It was a bill from Dr. Gloom & Doom. For $945. For services rendered. In November & December 2008. This is the first and (I imagine) the last bill I have ever received from that office.

Guess who isn't getting a DIME of my money? If anything, that incompetent bastard owes ME money. I honestly don't have much else to say about this topic, other than fuck off Dr. G&D. All you have to do is piss me off once.

Lessons Learned

I have learned three HUGE lessons from this whole RPL experience thus far, and I'm sure there are many more ahead of me. Anyone who is in need of medical assistance of any type should be prepared in order to receive the best care possible.

Lesson #1: KNOW YOUR BODY
I have learned more about my body, what it does, how it reacts, what the parts are inside, what those parts do, various medications, and more since our first loss almost two years ago. Learning these things hasn't always been a bed of roses, but it's important that we know ourselves inside and out - especially when requesting or requiring medical care and intervention.

Lesson #2: DO YOUR RESEARCH
Thanks to today's technology, there are massive amounts of information available at our fingertips. There are search engines, websites, online forums, and more that will give you the opportunity to read, discuss, and define things for you. Doing research on what you are experiencing, what to expect, to answer questions, to ease fears, to provide data, and offer insight will give you power in your own treatment. It is to your benefit to know what you are discussing with your doctor. An informed patient can be more proactive in treatment.

Lesson #3: GO WITH YOUR GUT
Knowing your body and doing your research are two crucial componenets of being a successful patient. Most importantly, though, is going with your gut. As females, we have a keen sense of what to do in most every scenario we face. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't right. If something doesn't sound right, then it probably isn't right either. If you have done your research and know how your own body works, then it is YOUR responsibility to speak up. Don't learn this lesson the hard way. It wastes time and takes away your power. Believe me, I know.

On another note: 10dpo, BFN.

I need a secretary to take dictation.

I've had it.

Go the bathroom (or insert a catheter), get some popcorn (or a couple of meals), pour a cold drink (or ten), & let's see if I can get this down. I don't even know how to type all this crap out now. I need to get it out so I don't go completely insane and to help me remember when I do go nuts. Plus, I need the reminder in case I ever consider talking Dr. G&D ever, ever, ever again. Before I forget - I called the RE to whom I had been referred by friends and the first available appointment is at the end of February (aka as another cycle gone).

After the first call from Dr. G&D's office, my cell phone rings again. Two more times. While my class is taking a test! (Thank goodness for the vibrate ringer.) Dr. G&D wanted to at least do a phone consult with me. They asked if he could call me at 3:45. Sure. WTH.

So, the office calls AGAIN --- remember, they are efficient --- and when I call back, Dr. G&D is there to talk with me. I think he had enough sense to know that I am pissed at him and he is not my friend anymore. (I've been on the playground with the kids too much lately.) I was VERY short in my responses and my monotone voice showed my curtness, not courtesy.

Bottom line: I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I repeat, I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I do not have a septate uterus. I repeat, I do not have a septate uterus. WTF????? I'll be using a lot of quotation marks from here as I quote exactly what I wrote down while talking to Dr. G&D.

The HSG report showed "bicornuate uterus suspected." The MRI results "were not consistent with a bicornuate uterus or a septate uterus." He said on more than one occasion that my "uterine cavity is not normal." In looking at the HSG and MRI, Dr. G&D said that it appears there is a :uterine fibroid in the fundus (top) of the uterus." Another fibroid? And why is that damn thing STILL THERE? Didn't I just have surgery just 60 days ago to get all that crap out of my bum ute? I digress . . .

Dr. G&D also says that this is probably the only reason I'm having difficulty; that basically nothing else points to my losses. (I think he's more concerned than I am about WHY I've lost three babies. I've had to write off getting those answers to prevent me being taken away by the nice men with a three-armed white jacket.) I digress again . . . I responded, "Well, that and the MTHFR." He then states that "MTHFR by itself is not associated with an increase in miscarriage." Oh really, Sherlock? That's not what the research I've read offers. Through my research and talking with other women who have the MTHFR mutation, I beg to differ. Actually, I won't beg. I know that can't be true. There's just no effing way.

Then comes the suggestion that "we need to address the fibroid." As in send it a postcard? As in I need to send invitations to everyone for another hooha party? Dr. G&D vacillates between the facts that (1) I'm running out of time, (2) the fibroid needs to be "addressed", and (3) I need to get pregnant. I try multiple times to figure out what exactly he's talking about, and I begin to wonder if he even knows. (Funny that I would question that - AGAIN.) When I asked him what options he means, he says that it needs to be "addressed either abdominally or hysteroscopically." I think he's talking surgery. Again. The fourth in less than two years. Me = not happy. Still.

He continued to vacillate more than a cheap, old, metal fan with rust on it at your Meemaw's 100 year old house. He said that I could get pg, and if I "made it past 8 to 10 weeks" then things would probably be okay. How reassuring! I always spot in the sixth week of pregnancy (6w3d to be specific) and have miscarriages in the eighth week, so gosh, let's try the pg crapshoot again. I finally tell him that "I am getting mixed messages here. Are you saying that I need to get pg or have surgery?" I need one or the other. He finally says it - "Surgery."

Then I'm getting even more angry. I told him (while choking back tears because I cry when I don't scream) that "I wish I would've known this before the end of last year. I spent close to 1/10 of my annual salary last year, and this is STILL NOT FIXED." His heartfelt response? "I'm sorry." Asshole. That's just not enough. I then told him I needed to speak with my husband and ended the phone conversation.

Crying, I leave everything behind at school (and you have no idea HOW BEHIND I am right now) & trying not to completely lose my shit. For the bajillionth time in the past 22ish months, I have my personal cryfest in the car. I curse at people, I cry, and then the phone rings. It's DH. He knows I'm upset, so I tell him I talked to Dr. G&D and I'm not happy. We can talk when I get home.

Continuing on my quest, I call Dr. Terrific's office & leave a message with "Nurse Excellent" (Dr. T's wonderful, excellent, empathetic nurse) that I need to speak with Dr. T. She calls me back within twenty minutes and is not happy to hear what Dr. G&D said. When I mentioned surgery, Nurse E said, "Why don't you let Dr. T do it if it has to be done?" I hadn't thought of that. I told Nurse E that I will be contacting Dr. G&D's office on Monday to get all of my files together. "I want all reports, charts, films, and (party) pics. It's my uterus, and it will become a part of my uterine briefcase now." She wholeheartedly agreed. I'm going to become Rain Man after all by keeping my "red, severe injury book".

So . . . the next part of this screwed up story is a consult with Dr. T on Wednesday. If he can get me through this, get us pregnant, keep us pregnant, deliver us a precious little baby, and up my Prozac dosage in the meantime, then we might have a plan. He's my main man anyway.

Aannnnddd - SCENE.

Supporting Our Local Hospitals

My family has been working extra-hard to make sure that, with this flailing economy, our local hospitals remain up and running. Our giving has exceeded $400,000 just this year! Aren't we so helpful??!!!

Won't you continue the tradition my family has begun by also supporting your local hospital? How have we done it, you ask? Well (gosh), here's how:

* My IF - including 2 HSCs, massive bloodwork, SHG, u/s, and more! (just read this blog)

* My Mom - bypass surgery, including an atrial valve repair, over 7 days in ICU, another week in IMC, and all of the testing before, during, & after her actual procedure.

* My Niece - almost losing her hand in an accident (Whitney vs. the window), ambulance service, emergency surgery, hospitalization, rehabilitation

* My Grandmother - mutiple hospitalizations, cancer treatment including the cost of hospice, morphine & other fine drugs

* My Stepdad - presently in the ICU with heart and kidney failure. Day 4 of ??? days completed today.

* Even My Dog - surgery to remove a large tumor from his chest

However, there are easier & less painful ways to support your local hospitals. I highly recommend that you
$$ JUST SEND CASH $$.

Welcome to RPL

Hello. I'm Kristin, and I'll be your tour guide today. On our very unexciting tour of RPL today, we'll see the life of Kristin. You'll have the opportunity to share in the misery of the past 20 months of her life, including but not limited to:

• first one and a half years of marriage
• 3 miscarriages
• 3 surgeries
• tens of thousands of dollars paid in medical bills
• more meds taken than an old lady
• hair loss
• hormonal fits
• acne-ravaged skin (face, back, chest)
• 20 or more additional pounds
• an almost broken marriage (now repaired)
• grief
• depression
• anxiety
• loneliness
• therapy
• dozens of vials of blood drawn
• countless numbers of unsolicited advice & hurtful statements
• 5 different docs in her hooha + nurses, etc.
• family & friends who have gotten pregnant, had babies & are doing it again
• countless wasted hpts
• over 400 days of temping and charting
• unmeasurable buckets of tears
• numerous pity parties
• cramps
• lots of bleeding
• endless frustration
• empty arms and broken heart

I hope you hated this tour as much as I have. I know many of you have your own tours to offer, and for that I am sorry. I haven't been on your exact tour, just as you have not been on mine, but I know that it has been miserable for you. Know that you will get through it.

We hope to have our next tour available very soon. We are trying everything within our power to schedule a BABY TOUR in the near future. Please check back for upcoming tour dates.

Lord, hear our prayers.

Support to Form Infertility Support Groups!

Help bring infertility support groups to every state in the U.S.! Please nominate "Bringing Hope, Building Families" so we can be in the running to receive funding and make this project a reality.

Here's how to nominate the project:
1. Click here to learn more about "Bringing Hope, Building Families". (You will enter the Members Project site)
2. Click "Nominate this project" and log in as either an American Express Cardmember or Guest. 3. You'll automatically return to the Members Project homepage.
4. Enter Project ID: 3OAD3O or search under "Health--Education and Outreach"
5. Click "Nominate This Project"

The American Express Members Project is a chance for people to make a difference and to create positive change. The idea behind this project came from someone who believes her infertility resolution is due in part to the support she received during her journey and the support she continues to receive. Whether you are still in your family building journey or have moved on, you have the chance to help impact millions of women and men who face infertility, just by nominating this project.

Let's show the world that infertility is a disease that needs more attention, more support, and more awareness.

Thank you,
Barbara ColluraExecutive DirectorRESOLVE

P.S. Forward this message to friends and family who support you and ask for their nomination!

This is Getting Old

BFN. And I really, really, really thought this might be "the one". Even though it's my summer vacation, I've been a dutiful little TTC soldier and getting up at 7am every morning to temp. I've been charting like a madwoman, noting all symptoms, etc.

As of this morning, spotting has begun and my temp took a nose dive. It's still above the coverline but the red-headed evil slut is on her way. I know she is.

I've seriously had major symptoms, so much so that DH was beginning to think I was pg too. I've been so bloated that I can only wear a couple of pairs of my pants. My boobs have gotten bigger/fuller - if that's even possible. Smells have gotten to me. Nausea. Dizziness. Thirstiness. Excess saliva. Headaches. Heartburn. As gross as it is, I've even thrown up in my mouth a few times. With all of that not only did I think, "Hhhmmm . . . maybe I really am pregnant." I also decided that the nausea and mini-vomits might have meant some good m/s and a viable pg was ahead of us.

I just remember the RE's statement as it resounds through my head, "Six months to you is not like six months to a 25 year old." He told me this three months ago. As much as I know my body is quickly running out of time to produce a baby, that reminder is beginning to ring more true every day. Not only am I a little frustrated, I'm started to get scared. Not a good mix. It's the kind of mix that brings out only two responses in me - fight like hell or retreat completely. There are no gray areas for me when I'm backed into a corner like this. We've been on the TTC journey for 17 months now and I'm getting really tired.

How much more are we supposed to take? Where do we go from here? Do we try one more time, hoping that there is hope? Do I head back to the RE and expect to walk into his office to see him expectantly wielding a dildo-cam in one hand and a turkey baster in the other? Is that even a guarantee? And if we see the RE, how the hell are we supposed to pay for it? We honestly do not have the money to pay for what is ahead of us. How do we make these decisions now?

I'm getting ready to put down my war gear and give up the fight. God, this is getting really old.

Ouch.

Today is CD1 for me. Just FYI. Trying one more cycle before the RE robs us blind.

Speaking of robbing us blind, I got the EOB for my surgery last month. The hospital bill (this does not include my doctor or anesthesiologist) was $21,322.45! Dang that morphine is expensive!!! My responsibility is $2499.30. I'd rather break off a toe for a while or something like that instead paying this bill.

I saw on someone's blog the financial cost of PL/IF. Think I should start tabulating mine? I will if I can dig out all the paperwork. Let's just say I met my out of pocket expenses of $3500 this calendar year by May 1.

NOT having a baby this past year has cost much more than having a baby would have. Ugh.

Here come the bills!

Oh geez. The bills from my surgery are starting to roll in.

Anesthesia - almost $500.
Doctor - about $800.
Hospital - $7856!

Uh - where's my insurance company here? My money tree died last year. I'm really looking forward to calling United Healthcare and asking them when they plan to pay their portion my bills. Insurance companies are always so helpful and willing to be proactive. /sarcasm