The Very Worst

I know that I've been absent from the blogosphere for a while now.  For being known as "The Rambler" the reason is something that I can hardly discuss.  I don't even know how to say it, much less write it, but my world completely changed on January 28, 2013 around 8:30pm.

I received a phone call from my mom.  She was in an ambulance with my brother Jeffrey, and they were being rushed to the nearest ER.  Jeffrey had a massive hemorrhagic stroke and never recovered.  He passed on Friday, February 1, 2013 at 4:29pm surrounded by those who loved him most.  I have never experienced anything so heartbreaking and devastating in my life.  His memorial service was amazing and such a beautiful tribute to him.  How I was able to stand before over 100 people and tell them about my brother is still unbeknownst to me.  Watching my parents lose a child has been equally as difficult as losing my brother.  And that's all I can really say.

If you've followed my blog(s) for a while, you've prayed for Jeff before.  Thank you for that.  He was so amazing and speaking of him in the past tense doesn't make sense to me.  I don't have any idea how we are all getting through this, but it is painful.

I have lots to tell you about my beautiful, wonderful daughter and how she is helping to heal the hearts and souls of my family, but for now we would covet your thoughts and prayers as we try to figure out how to live without such a wonderful person in our world.

Even though this pic from 1984 looks like I'm attacking my little brother with my huge bangs, I love it because of the look on Jeffrey's face.  We had a relationship of love that could never be beat by any brother/sister ever.

We love you, Jeffrey.  You are desperately missed and forever loved.

FINAL

On Monday, December 17th, 2012 Kate's adoption was finalized.  While it was only a formality stating what we have known in our hearts all along, Katherine Leigh is now officially a Rambler.  Her last name has been changed, her birth certificate is being reissued with the name change and placing our names upon it, and she will soon be able to get a social security number.

It was so neat to see the other families there doing the same as us.  Since we were the second-to-last family to go before the judge, we offered to take photos of families as soon as they exited the courtroom.

One of the most special scenes I witnessed was of a family of SEVEN - Dad & Mom (both Caucasian), three Caucasian daughters, a young AA son and young AA daughter.  They were all dressed so wonderfully and had huge smiles on their faces as they emerged from the courtroom as an "official" family.  They all hugged and smiled at one another.  The Mom then stopped, closed her eyes, and began to weep tears of relief and joy.

Being an empathetic crier, I teared up with her before jumping from my seat to take a photo.  They were so appreciative and my heart warmed with the love they all had for one another.  Our family just beamed with them, knowing we were feeling the same way.  What a special moment for everyone that will always be in etched in my brain and heart.

We got a few photos taken before we were called.

Kate with two of her sets of grandparents - Papa & Gran (my dad & stepmom) and
Grandpa & Grandma Linny (Todd's dad & stepmom).

Daddy & his little girl.

Along for the ride, but not overly interested!

Our lil' family. I love Kate's WubbaNub paci hanging out of her mouth!

Our time finally came to enter the courtroom.  Kate had fallen asleep (not long after sharing her pterodactyl cries through the echoing hall outside the courtroom!), and I was carrying her.  Our attorney was inside and we were asked to approach the bench.  We asked if our family could join us, and everyone said yes with smiles on their faces.  The attorney began to petition the court for our adoption, we were sworn in by the judge, and the legal talk ensued.

Our attorney then asked Todd a series of questions related to our adoption, submitted documentation to the court (home study, criminal backgrounds, etc.), and then asked if I concurred with all of Todd's answers.  Whenever the judge responded, she did so with a sweet and happy voice.  We knew this must be the best part of job as a judge in the juvenile courts of a large urban county.

As the discussion got underway, so did my tears.  They were the silent and thankful type of tears, unlike the many loud and painful tears cried through the over five years of waiting for our baby.  When the judge declared this adoption official and binding, that this daughter will always be ours, she said it through a smile.  My smile returned hers, albeit a little stained with black mascara streaks.  (Why did I think I wouldn't cry that day??!!)  The sweet judge then gave Kate a little stuffed bunny as a gift and congratulated us and our family.  We took photos of OUR family now.

Yes, for the record, I photoshopped out most of my mascara streaks.
I was under oath, so I have to tell you.

Just a small section of Kate's family and a minute section
of the many who love her.

Our precious daughter was really and truly and finally ours.  In our hearts, on paper, legally, to the world - ours.  It's not that she wasn't before, but now we could breathe just a tiny bit easier knowing that no matter what, she would be with us forever.  Joyous relief filled my heart.  What a journey it has been to get here.  And what a journey it will be.

"For this child I have prayed . . . " 1 Samuel 1:27

Full Heart

Kate went to see her first collegiate soccer game today and FINALLY got to meet her cousin, Whitney.  If you know me or know anything about me, you know my love for Whitney.  She has always been like she was (is!) my own.  My heart skipped a beat when I saw this photo taken today:

kekis' baby girls - be still my heart

This shows a full circle moment in my world.  How surreal that my sweetie girl Whitney is holding my baby daughter, Kate.  Something I thought would never happen has.  Off to cry some more . . .

For Baby

Mr. Rambler and I recently took a trip to visit the Ramblers-in-law.  While out & about, eating and shopping were a must.  A yummy cafe that ALSO has a shop inside?  Yes, please!  :)
There's an excited future grandmother out there who got baby a Sleep Sheep! It is so cute and soft and makes wonderful noises.  I know our baby will love it!  (Thanks again, L!)

Why, Hello

I know that I've been absent from bloggy land for a while.  Sorry if you've been waiting with bated breath for my return.  As I told you in August, my brother was in the hospital.  And he STILL is there.  Thank God he is going to live, but he is still in the hospital trying to heal and regain strength.  Thanks for you prayers.  It's okay to keep them coming.

Work (school) has been so incredibly busy for me.  Between teaching a new grade level and meetings and changes and everything else happening, I am SPENT.  I am blessed to have such an amazing DH who understands that I'm exhausted from work, hospital visits/time, and my commute.  After all of that, I spent a few waking moments with him as I can.

On the baby front . . . we are still not parents . . . yet.  After we finally complete the mounds of paperwork for adoption, we will officially sign with an agency, get background checks, fingerprints, homestudy, and THEN be ready to become family.

That's all we want.

Urgent Prayers Please

I posted on my other blog that my brother and our family need your prayers right now.

Comforting Words

In the aftermath of our dreams of conceiving through IVF being squashed, there are three people who said just the right things.

#1 - My mom and I left the doctor's office.  Tears were falling, and I just wanted the hell out of there.  Although she has never experienced what I have with infertility, she has always known my dreams and I was thankful to have my mom with me.  We got to the parking garage, and that's when it happened.  Before even getting into the car, she grabbed me into a big hug.  I broke down sobbing. I'm talking bawling out loud in front of the world, and I didn't even care.  "This is not the end of your story," I heard, and that is what I want to believe.

#2 - A week or so later, I met my best friend for lunch.  Our friendship has been strained (to say the least) because of my need to isolate myself during IF.  While our 30 year friendship is not nearly what it was, we are slowly working hard to rebuild it.  She doesn't read this blog (I don't think), so she did not know about our whirlwind attempt at IVF.  When I told her what we had been through and what had been taken from us, she teared up a bit, shook her head, and said, "That sucks.  There is nothing else I can say."  What a true statement that is.

#3 - Fast forward a couple of more weeks to Christmas.  My Dad "J" (who is actually my stepdad that also raised me from age 2) was aware that we'd hopefully know by the holidays if our IVF resulted in a pregnancy.  Because I didn't have the courage to call and tell him that it had not, he asked me about it Christmas Day.  "Hey!  I've gotten emails from you, but nothing hearing what I want to hear!"  I just dropped my head a bit, teared up a little, and said, "Well . . . it . . . it didn't work."  At that point, my often undemonstrative Dad hugged me and told me it would be okay no matter what.  He looked at me and said, "I always wanted a daughter, and I got one!"  As did I get a second Daddy.

While these words can't fix anything that is broken (not even my heart), they stay in my mind and heart, and they do help.  They also stay locked in my mind reminding me what I do have - people who love me.

Really Missing Her

I'm a mess this morning.  I have really been missing this woman more than usual lately:

We were friends.

We were party buddies.

We were part of a long line of strong women.

  We were in love.

We were happy.

She was amazing and beautiful - all in one.

My grandmother always knew what to say - how to make me smile, make me laugh, cry through the tears, and let me know that NO MATTER WHAT things would be okay.  I need her so desperately lately.  She's been in my dreams more than usual, but I just need to talk with her.  She would understand about all of the needles.  We would laugh about them.  We would make fun of them.  She would understand the fear and worry.  She would help me stay strong in the times of fear and worry.  She would continue to be my example.

But she isn't here anymore.  And I miss my Mary.

Getting Through

The first hour of my day started off like this:
- woke up after having dreams of my Mary, and realized she's still not here
- woke up Mackey to see that he shit in his crate (yes IN the crate). Gag.
- found a dead tiny-baby bird on the back patio
- heard gas grill trying to ignite itself but luckily didn't blow to Kingdom come
- recorded my temps to learn that my FF chart is still whack & won't confirm O even though I KNOW it happened

Fun, huh? You can be jealous. It's okay.

Determined to survive what I anticipated to be an overly sucky day, I fed the pups, began prepping lunch to take to my mom, gnawed on some pineapple core, finished some laundry, cleaned the kitchen, left a message for my step-mom, talked to my little brother, showered, and did everything I could not to cry.

I did a good job for a while. I thought, "All right . . . I can do this!" Lunch was nice with my mom, Rick (her husband), and my brother Jeffrey. Then we started planning Mary's memorial. Tears. Mom first, me to follow. Luckily, my brother Michael and his daugther Aeva arrived right then & put smiles on our faces.

Then Mike & Aeva left, Rick took Jeffrey home, and Mom and I began to look through photos of my beautiful grandmother. More tears. It broke my heart when I started crying first, made my mom cry, and she said to me, "I'm sorry." Like there was anything she could have done to save me from losing Mary. It just hurt me to know that her mom isn't here for Mother's Day, and I felt the fear of knowing someday I will be in her shoes. We got through those tears together, and it helped. I know there are more to come.

I finally left for home after cleaning the kitchen and gathering things that my mom wanted me to take home. (Note: You never leave my mom's without taking some stuff home with you.) After unloading my car & eating dinner, I checked my email. An email from my Dad was at the top of my inbox. More tears. Bawling tears.

Kris,
I know this is a tough day in some respects for you but I want you to know that regardless of whether you are able to become a Mother, you are MY little girl and will always be MY little girl and I love you without reservation.
I love you very much!
Dad

Thankfully, it wasn't a Mothers' Day card like he'd sent in years past, but it was wonderful to hear such sentiments from my own Dad.

While today sucked, seeing my beautiful & amazing mom, spending time with my brothers, and hearing from many of my family & friends helped ease the pain that today brought. And so did a shitload of peanut M&Ms.

Rocking My Babies

We lost my grandmother Mary this morning. She passed away peacefully at home with my mom by her side at 5:20am. Mary is now in Heaven with her parents, two of her brothers, her best friend, and a grandson. My babies now have some loving arms to rock them until I get there to meet them someday.


My grandmother was the most amazing, courageous, and strong woman I have ever met. This world will be a much different place without her. I know my world will be.

I love you, Little Grandmother, and I already miss you terribly. We all do. May you rest in peace.

Past blog posts about Mary: Prayers for Mary / Mary the Great / Cancer Sucks / Oh, Mary

At what point?

So at what point do I lose my shit?

Things are really "difficult" right now. Okay . . . they are really hard. Really tough. Extremely wearing. What's going on you ask? Hold on tight.

1. DH and his brother are dealing with a bunch of stuff with their mother (my MIL). I won't go into it all because I'm trying to respect the privacy of others, but let's just say that she is beyond the point of crazy & repair, and it is taking a complete toll on my BIL and (worst of all) my husband. There is nothing I can do to fix it. I feel completely helpless, and I feel like I am losing my husband. This is the core of our stress at home. There is more that involves the upkeep of our home, having a relationship, taking care of stuff & all, but that is taking a back burner to my batcrazy MIL. Most of all, I worry about my husband. This is incredibly difficult on him. It makes me want to cry every time I think about it.

2. My grandmother is dying - and slowly at that. She has been battling cancer for 29 years, and the cancer is starting to win. She is on 90mg morphine in the morning and 90mg at night with breakthrough meds (sublingual morphine rocks) during the day. The fact that she's walking around the house "getting things done" (according to her) is absolutely beyond me.

3. My mother's husband (Rick) is still undergoing testing to figure out what is causing his health problems. He was in the ICU before Christmas, and is still dealing with health issues. I feel like he will be okay physically, but since he is not working, I worry about my mother and the stress I know she feels trying to keep things afloat. I'm worried she'll work herself into the ground. That's her nature, and after her open heart surgery in August, she needs to take care of herself.

4. My stepmother is having major neck surgery on Friday. Her doctor sounds to be more than competent, but I know it will be a long recovery process. I worry about my Dad taking care of her (though he is good, the man cannot cook!) and her recovery.

5. The sadness of Kaden losing his battle and Sarah & Jamie's birthmother bailing out makes me so sad. It also creates a sense of fear that makes moving forward difficult. Life gives it and takes it away.

6. School is extremely stressful for both of The Ramblers this time of year. TAKS (the Texas Assessment of Knowlege and Skills), the Texas standardized testing, is upon us which requires above and beyond time, teaching, love, patience, and more time than usual. The expectations of our students is high. The pressure of TAKS, student success, reports, meetings, tutoring, discipline, and just trying to do the basics of our jobs is completely overwhelming right now. We don't get paid enough for this.

7. After going through taxes, I have figured out that I somehow owe the government money. How a woman that is a teacher who spent more than 10% of her annual salary on medical bills owes the IRS, I do not know. I am suffering financially due to the stress of daily/monthly expenses, medical bills, student loans, one credit card, and just plain trying to survive.

8. I miss so many of my friends. I am blessed to be a person surrounded by so many friends and loved ones. This whole RPL/IF business has taken a major toll on the relationships I have with others. I miss that, and I often don't know how (or if) I can get it back to where it was.

9. Everyone is pregnant. No, seriously - EVERYone. Whether they conceived without assistance,-had a succesful AI - med cycles, IUI. IVF - they are pregnant & staying that way. I am so very thrilled for them all because I've prayed for their happiness & success, yet I'm also feeling very left behind.

10. Oh yeah in case you didn't know: We are trying to get pregnant and actually have a baby. Only been doing that for a couple of years now. No thanks to the life/crap that is innundating us, we need to work Plan A. I try not to worry about it, but if we don't get pregnant (and STAY pregnant) in the next two months, we will not have a baby in 2009. Don't know how/if I can handle that.

It is so overwhelming and inundating. No stress ......................... Lord, hear our prayers. I have been crying to the Heavens through your angels. Please bless us with a viable pregnancy that results in a healthy pregnancy that delivers a healthy baby to term. While that seems like a huge & almost insurmountable task to us, we pray that God can hear our cries and answer our prayers. I know I am imperfect and I beg for your forgiveness. Please bless us with one of your angels that we can raise here on Earth in your image and love.

While there are others, these are only the issues at the forefront of my mind. tonight Your love, prayers, and good thoughts are appreciated. Not just for us, but prayers are desired for all those who need it.

Supporting Our Local Hospitals

My family has been working extra-hard to make sure that, with this flailing economy, our local hospitals remain up and running. Our giving has exceeded $400,000 just this year! Aren't we so helpful??!!!

Won't you continue the tradition my family has begun by also supporting your local hospital? How have we done it, you ask? Well (gosh), here's how:

* My IF - including 2 HSCs, massive bloodwork, SHG, u/s, and more! (just read this blog)

* My Mom - bypass surgery, including an atrial valve repair, over 7 days in ICU, another week in IMC, and all of the testing before, during, & after her actual procedure.

* My Niece - almost losing her hand in an accident (Whitney vs. the window), ambulance service, emergency surgery, hospitalization, rehabilitation

* My Grandmother - mutiple hospitalizations, cancer treatment including the cost of hospice, morphine & other fine drugs

* My Stepdad - presently in the ICU with heart and kidney failure. Day 4 of ??? days completed today.

* Even My Dog - surgery to remove a large tumor from his chest

However, there are easier & less painful ways to support your local hospitals. I highly recommend that you
$$ JUST SEND CASH $$.

Show & Tell: Cameo

My great-grandmother and I were very close. Granny, as I called her, was my mom's grandmother, my grandmother's mom. She was truly the matriarch of the family and amazingly strong. My Granny raised four children, lost her husband too soon, survived the Great Depression, never learned to drive, buried two of her sons, gardened, cooked amazing food, and sewed anything made of fabric.

One thing Granny always bought me at Christmas was underwear. Now, as a young girl, it was terrible. Often mortified, I would open my package from Granny knowing what I would find within that pretty paper. As an adult, I would love to receive underwear every year. How I miss that gift!

As Granny laid in a hospital bed during her final days, I tried to stay by her side as much as possible. When I wasn't by her side, I was often sleeping on couch cushions on the floor of the waiting room. Granny was unable to speak, but she spoke so clearly through her eyes. I was able to put lotion on her dry skin, feed her broth, and smooth her hair - anything to make her comfortable. I also painted her nails. For years, I enjoyed doing that since her nails were always so smooth and pretty. I knew when Granny died that her fingernails needed to look pretty.

Granny held on for much longer than anyone thought she would. I was only 19, but I knew what lied ahead and called family to let them it was time to come say their goodbyes. Granny still held on, clinging to life.

Then it became time for me to head back to college. My summer was over, and I had to get back to school for sorority rush. As a rush counselor, I moved out of the sorority house and into the dorms. I could not be identified with my sorority, had no telephone, no contact with my sisters, so I could work with the girls preparing to be rushed. A few days into my new unfamiliar and somewhat uncomfortable surroundings, an early morning knock came to our dorm room's door.

I got out of bed, opened the door, and began to cry. I knew what it was. I was brought a phone, and I nervously called my mother. My Granny was gone. She died after we all left the hospital. I tried to figure out how to get home for the funeral. Then my mom recommended that I not come home. "You're busy, Granny is gone, there is nothing you can do now. Granny would want you to stay at school," my mom told me. For some reason that I will NEVER know to this day, I took my mother's advice and did not go home. In a way I still regret that decision, but my goodbyes with Granny came later.

One night, and I'm not sure when, Granny came to me in a dream. She always had a gravely, distinctive voice. In my dream, I was lying on my stomach asleep. Granny woke me up and said, "It's okay. I'm rubbing your back." And she was. She was patting my back as I slept. I know she was really there with me. And she still is. It's been over 20 years, and I know she still is with me. I pray to God and to Granny that she is rocking my babies in Heaven.

So, you're probably wondering why this blog entry is titled "Cameo." Well, here's why! When I was in high school, Granny started giving me "stuff". At the age of 16, I thought that most of it was crap. Except for one piece of jewelry she gave me. It was a cameo. Granny told me it was the last gift her husband gave her before he died. That stuck with me, and I kept the cameo with me. On my wedding day, I told my grandmother (Granny's only daughter) the story of the cameo, and asked her to pin it in my wedding dress. Granny was with me that day, just as she always is.

Sadly, my grandmother Mary will be joining her mother (my Granny) in the near future to help rock my babies. I know that they both will always be with me, and it brings me comfort to know that I will have so much love coming from above.

For more Show & Tell, check out Mel's list of participants for this week.

Show & Tell

This week's Show & Tell is very special to me. It's a photograph taken tonight of me with my grandmother (Mary) and my mom. Three generations - we like taking those photos.

My DH and I had my grandparents and my mom & her husband over for dinner tonight. I can pretty much guarantee that it will be the last time that we are all together in our house. You see, Mary has cancer. That's not the surprising part - she's had cancer for 28 years. You wouldn't know by looking at her how sick she really is. She's a beautiful woman - always has been!

The bad part is that the cancer is winning now. It's heartbreaking to see her in pain, tired, and withering away to nothing. The worst part is that there isn't a damn thing that any of us can do about it.

We had a wonderful dinner (thanks to me!), drinks, and dessert. Mary ate more than I've seen her eat in a long time. I'd cook up a storm every meal and take it to her if I knew she'd eat like that every time. Mary lasted at least three hours, which is a long time for her these days. It was such a special time with us all being together, and I wish it could've last forever.

Unfortunately for my part, there will only be these three generations, not four. How disappointing. My children would really need to know their great grandmother (known by the other kids as "Mary the Great"!). I will have to share all of those memories and stories and strength from my grandmother with them.

Obviously I've learned that there are no guarantees, and life is one of them. We love you, Mary.