Kate's First Christmas

What a busy Christmas we had!  Seeing family, traveling out of state, and working on Kate's nursery/the house kept us busy.


Our new stockings (from Ugly Sofa) were hung by the chimney with care.  Good thing because slacker first-time parents didn't decorate for Christmas at ALL otherwise!

Kate visited Santa - twice.

This is NOT my Daddy!

Him again?!

Let me run!

 Santa brought Kate more than a few lovely gifts.  A new toybox, iPad cover, pajamas, mirror, outfits, shoes, hats, coat, stroller and car seat travel covers, humidifier, pillow pet, and more awaited her "under the stockings."

Kate also received wonderful and thoughtful gifts from Auntie Patty & Uncle Jim, Auntie Jackie, and Auntie Christina.  Opening them was a bit of a challenge this year, but she loved all of it!

She spent plenty of time being precious and  looking cute as always.

Wearing her Santa outfit from Auntie Sherry and Uncle Big Pop.

Thankfully Kate's grandparents had Christmas trees for her to adore.

Cute even with a massive scratch on her eye/nose. Awesome.

And the best part . . . our first WHITE CHRISTMAS in North Texas for about thirty years.  It must've been just for our baby girl.

Protective Daddy kept saying "Hurry.  It's too cold,"
as if I didn't have her bundled up! :)

As I entered Kate's room Christmas morning, I was greeted by a beautiful little angel lying in her crib with a huge smile on her face.  Thus began this Mommy's first tears of this blessed day.  While Jesus was born this day and saved us all, my precious daughter brightened my world in an instant.  I'm constantly overwhelmed by the love I have for her and my heart continues to grow and grow and grow.  Often I wonder if my heart will explode.


We are a very blessed family.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year from the Ramblers.

Our Lil' Pumpkin

Kate wasn't overly impressed with Halloween this year!  I'm sure next year will be just awesome.  Luckily she waited until I changed her out of her costume to poop . . . everywhere.  :)

Oh, You Get Ready

I saw this photo on Pinterest last night and told DH we are ssssoooooooo wearing these costumes for Halloween if our baby is here by then!  haha!!!  I can't wait.  :)

My Current Opinion of Mother's Day

Our New Addition, the Master Bath toilet.

Since I'm not a mother (obviously) & my mother is out of town this delightful Sunday, DH and I bought a new shitter.  IRONY at its best, right?????

Hopefully I will be a mom next year, so I can tell our child, "The Mother's Day before you were born, Daddy and I replaced our toilet.  It's much better being your parents."

Oh, Santa . . .

Look at what Santa is putting in DH's stocking this year!

Santa wasn't sure whether he should get blue or pink, so he got both.  :)    Santa is AWESOME!

Father's Day

Oh, Father's Day Smather's Day.  Yet another year that my crappy body doesn't allow my husband to be a father.  Hopefully the huge bottle of bourbon from the dogs helps to take the sting out of it for him.  Better than an ugly tie - maybe.

From Us to You

We were so busy over the holidays and are now full into the throes of our crazy time of the school year, but I did want to share our Christmas - turned New Year's - almost became Groundhog's Day - card.  :)   If you read our other blogs, you'll feel like you're having a dejavu!  You can click the image to see it in full view.


Our last name (which I removed) was shaded behind our names, so you may notice some flaws around "Kristin, Mindy, Pippin".

Also included was our annual "year in review" on the back of the card.  Again, click for full view.

Thank you to everyone who follows and reads this blog.  I know it's not always sunshine, rainbows, puppy dogs, and kitty cats, but it's all I have for now.  Our journey to become parents is not over, but we are definitely at a fork in the road.  It's time for us to make some really big, emotional decisions and (frankly) I'm a little scared and (as always) more than anxious.  Like our card said, "No matter what the year ahead brings, we know that we have one another and the love of our family and friends."  We hope your 2011 is starting off well and wishing you many blessings along the way!

Thanksgiving - Infertility Style!

I just had to take a picture of this yesterday.  Only an infertile's refrigerator would have turkey, casserole dishes, drinks, and drugs --- all in one!  :)

Hope you and yours had a relaxing, food-filled day recognizing the blessings you have.  As I posted on my FB, "Life doesn't have to be perfect for one to be blessed."

Thanksgiving & a Recipe

Rather than whine about being tired, I shall blog.  Thanksgiving here in America is Thursday, and it is one of my favorite holidays.  No pressures of gift-buying and gift-wrapping and gift-giving . . . just food.  It's that one day of the year that you can eat all you want and nobody really says anything!  There is tons food (at least in our house!) and football and family and friends and wine and dessert and more food.  It's just awesome.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I thought I should share a recipe with you all.  It's not really a "recipe" though.  It's really just how DH and I randomly made a turkey one year that was, according to my mother, "the best I've ever tasted in my life."  Since that day, The Ramblers are the turkey makers and turkey bringers for Thanksgiving and Christmas every year. As a disclaimer, I don't touch raw meat unless I absolutely have to make burgers or meat loaf.  Raw poultry makes me extremely nervous.  So, I prepare everything for the bird and DH touches it.  I'd hate for him to miss out on an opportunity to help with all of the cooking.  :)

Note: No husbands or dogs were injured in the prepping of the bird.

The Rambler's Thanksgiving Turkey Butter Compote & Prep

This prep can be done a day or two before you have to actually cook your Thanksgiving turkey.  However, once you begin, there is an ABSOLUTE MUST before you start cooking . . .

Pour yourself a glass of wine.  Keep the bottle on the counter because (1) you know you're going to want more and (2) because I'm not drinking while stimming and someone has to have some fun around here!

1. Wash off your bird.  If it is so fresh that it has feathers, get thyself to the local WaMartz for a frozen guy.  (thaw it out in cold water for . . . forever . . . til it's thawed)
2. Using your food processor (or masher if you don't have a processor), dump in the following:  a couple of sticks of butter, some leaves stripped off a couple of rosemary stalks, some fresh ground black pepper (NO SALT - dries the bird), and a couple of fresh garlic gloves
3. Kick your food processor into high gear and slowly stream in a little bit of olive oil.  Scrape the sides as needed and make it do its thing until you have a smooth consistency (not runny - ew).
4. Underneath and inside the hollowed out bird DH prepped for you, throw in chopped celery stalks, large chunks of onion (I usually chop them into fourths), and some random garlic cloves.  (Have you refilled your wine glass already? Go ahead honey, it's 5:00 somewhere in the world!)



Help!  I'm working in the kitchen!!

5. Force Bribe Make Barter Threaten Beg Ask your DH to get his ass off the couch   back off from that damn computer    do something in the kitchen besides watch me kill myself here lift the skin of the bird up and SLATHER it with the butter compote you made.  Give him a kiss   Tell him what a big man he is   Offer him sex later Thank him by turning on the water at the sink and squirting some soap in his greasy hands.  Send his lame ass back to whatever he was doing and pour a can of broth or stock into the bottom of your roasting pan.  (Get some more wine because the whine you just heard from DH having to do something to help with this monsterass dinner you're making didn't do the trick for ya.)
6. Cover that bird up with some foil.  Just tent the pan by crimping foil along pan edges but allow some space somewhere for steam to escape.  You don't want steamed turkey for dinner.  Follow the cooking directions on the package.  If you get stuck, go to http://www.butterball.com/.  Please don't ask me because you'll be drunk by now & I don't like drunk people unless I'm drunk too.
7. Baste the bird with the squirty thing every now & then (at least each hour after the first couple of hours.  Kick back and enjoy some wine while your bird roasts itself in the oven
8. Remove foil for the last hour or so or until the outside of the bird is nicely browned (not black).
9. Let it rest for a bit before carving, so the juices redistribute throughout the meat.  Enjoy your dinner with a nice glass of wine.  Yes, you'll have to open another bottle since your lit up ass already finished off the first one!

Oh yeah, DHs are good for carving too!

And before you get too excited, please note that these photos are from Thanksgivings past.  DH will still help with the bird because he knows there will be no turkey if he doesn't.

I hope you all have a blessed Thanksgiving Day.  If you aren't in the States, make yourself a special day because you can and you deserve it.  I appreciate the love and support that you all have provided me through this crazy ride of loss and infertility.  It's my wish and prayer that I can bring you all some wonderful Christmas news.

Happy 2010!

It wasn't even 11:00pm yet, but ya know, we got some work to do this coming year!




Thanks for being there for me in 2009. I wish you all of the dreams you can imagine and blessings you can handle in 2010.

Christmas Card Ideas

(Note: I started this last night, finished it this morning, and finally have a chance to post.)

Effing Xmas cards. I'm tired of them. I'm tired of putting the thought and heart into them each year. We have photos taken, include photos of the pets, maybe write a little something, have custom printing done, go over the list to keep it under 150, address all of the envelopes, seal, stamp & mail them all. It's just a lot of money and work, and just don't really feel like it.

I feel like this year we should send them out to look something like this:

We'll just use last year's photo and this year's text, which should have/could have been text for the past two years.

If it's not appropriate to send these out - and believe me, I'm tempted - I may not send any out at all. Instead, I'll wait for all the precious, cute, wonderful cards from family and friends with their precious children that I don't have. How's that for some bitter Christmas candy?

The Obligatory Father's Day Post

As my barren & broken uterus turns . . .

DH got Father's Day cards from the cat and the dogs. Yippee. I cried when he opened them. After he pet the dogs and waved to the cat, I told DH that I hope next year he can be a Daddy to a human baby. Not the first year he's heard that, huh? Hmph. Cried again. Told him that yesterday (at my niece & nephew's bday party), I was going to take a photo of all the dads hanging out. Then it hit me that my DH isn't a dad. Because of me. Shit. Cried some more. Shit. DH told me the dreaded words, "Don't worry. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen." Shit. Went to take a nap after that.

Called my Dad (stepdad for those who get confused easily) and wished him a happy Dad's Day. He had just sent me a sweet email thanking me for his "beautiful card" from a "beautiful daughter" that made a "beautiful day." Says a lot from a man of few words. I love him.

My Dad & Step Mother came over for dinner. We chatted, ate & drank. I love my Dad. I love his wife too. I'm so thankful that he has such a wonderful woman to share his life.

Called my mom's husband. I call him that because I already have a Step Dad & people can't follow it for some reason. :) I wished him a happy Dad's Day even though he's not my Dad. However, he's a great person and wonderful to our family.

It's supposed to be 100+ degrees within the next couple of days. My head is killing me - don't know if it's sinus stuff or head/neck/back pain. Drugs help some. Sex week is coming. Not hopeful because it leads to disappointment every time. Mentally preparing myself for majorly invasive surgery of the uterine parts since things never go right anyway.

All in all, it wasn't a terrible Father's Day. It would be much better if I could see my amazing husband be an amazing Daddy to at least one beautiful child.

Getting Through

The first hour of my day started off like this:
- woke up after having dreams of my Mary, and realized she's still not here
- woke up Mackey to see that he shit in his crate (yes IN the crate). Gag.
- found a dead tiny-baby bird on the back patio
- heard gas grill trying to ignite itself but luckily didn't blow to Kingdom come
- recorded my temps to learn that my FF chart is still whack & won't confirm O even though I KNOW it happened

Fun, huh? You can be jealous. It's okay.

Determined to survive what I anticipated to be an overly sucky day, I fed the pups, began prepping lunch to take to my mom, gnawed on some pineapple core, finished some laundry, cleaned the kitchen, left a message for my step-mom, talked to my little brother, showered, and did everything I could not to cry.

I did a good job for a while. I thought, "All right . . . I can do this!" Lunch was nice with my mom, Rick (her husband), and my brother Jeffrey. Then we started planning Mary's memorial. Tears. Mom first, me to follow. Luckily, my brother Michael and his daugther Aeva arrived right then & put smiles on our faces.

Then Mike & Aeva left, Rick took Jeffrey home, and Mom and I began to look through photos of my beautiful grandmother. More tears. It broke my heart when I started crying first, made my mom cry, and she said to me, "I'm sorry." Like there was anything she could have done to save me from losing Mary. It just hurt me to know that her mom isn't here for Mother's Day, and I felt the fear of knowing someday I will be in her shoes. We got through those tears together, and it helped. I know there are more to come.

I finally left for home after cleaning the kitchen and gathering things that my mom wanted me to take home. (Note: You never leave my mom's without taking some stuff home with you.) After unloading my car & eating dinner, I checked my email. An email from my Dad was at the top of my inbox. More tears. Bawling tears.

Kris,
I know this is a tough day in some respects for you but I want you to know that regardless of whether you are able to become a Mother, you are MY little girl and will always be MY little girl and I love you without reservation.
I love you very much!
Dad

Thankfully, it wasn't a Mothers' Day card like he'd sent in years past, but it was wonderful to hear such sentiments from my own Dad.

While today sucked, seeing my beautiful & amazing mom, spending time with my brothers, and hearing from many of my family & friends helped ease the pain that today brought. And so did a shitload of peanut M&Ms.

Suck: Here It Comes

Here it comes. Mothers' Day is upon us. How could anything suck that has been established as a beautiful day when we honor, love, cherish, spend time with, and pamper our moms? Well, let's see. Mothers' Day to me brings all sorts of memories, thoughts, feelings, and worries to surface. Here are a few that just *pop* into my mind.

Yet another year that I'm not a mom. Suck.

My Dad used to send me Mothers' Day cards every year that he sent my sisters their cards. He'd write something sweet along the lines that someday I would be a wonderful mom. I don't get those cards anymore. Suck.

My grandmother Mary is gone. My mom is still grieving, as we all are, which makes it extra hard to wish your own mother a Happy Mothers' Day when her mother is now gone. We'll be "celebrating" Mothers' Day while planning my grandmother's memorial service. I know it will be an emotional day. I think of Mary every single day & miss her terribly. Suck.

Still not pregnant. I know. What else is new? Suck.

Still surrounded by pregnant friends, colleagues, and strangers in addition to the bajillion moms already out there. But I'm not either. Suck.

DH will be out of town on a guys' trip. No need for him to be with me on Mothers' Day since I don't qualify as a recipient of this "holiday." (My thinking, definitely not his.) Suck.

Tired of logging on to one of the message boards for ladies in my shoes and dealing with girls who just want to do stupid, silly stuff on the internet. I'm there for support, encouragement, and information not to play.

Scared to call my OB/gyn to tell him I'm still not pg because I don't want surgery. Suck.

Really sick of temping, charting, checking CM, scheduling sex, symptom checking, Mucinex/pineapple core/anything & everything, etc. I've only been doing it for about two years now. Suck.

Getting irritated seeing ALL of the babies on every public forum out there - websites, TV, ads, Facebook, blogs, magazines, pamphlets, mailers, etc.

Tired of putting everything in my world on hold - just in case. "I'll lose that weight when I'm pregnant." or "Maybe I shouldn't go to _____ because I might be pg then." or "We probably shouldn't ______ in case I'm pg." or "We really need to hurry & ______ before we find out we are pg." or "Honey, bring me a Tylenol and not an Advil (in case I'm pg). Suck.

To the amazing women reading this who want to be moms, are moms of angels, can't be moms, or are missing their moms . . . I know Mothers' Day will probably suck. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers on Sunday. If you feel comfortable doing so, please leave a comment so I can pray for you specifically.

Merry Christmas

I wanted to wish you all of the blessings that Christmas provides us. Our Lord brought to us His son, so that He may provide us all the miraculous gift of eternal life. While I know the holidays can often be difficult for many of us, know that His promise is always with you.

If you are celebrating Chanukah, I wish you blessings as you join with family each night to celebrate. Whatever your belief system, I hope that you are able to take this time of year to spend with loved ones, to relax and reflect, and plan for the renewal of a new year.

Thanks to all of you who read this blog from around the world. I know you are out there, and I feel your warmth and presence. Your presence and comments make the lonely days feel a little lighter, and the crazy, confusing times feel a little clearer. Thank you.

This Time Next Year

Beautiful, twinkling lights. Ornaments from years past. Decorations galore. Dogs at our feet. Cat under the tree. In the middle of setting up our gorgeous Christmas tree, it hit me. The tears became heavy in my eyes and began to fall. "I'm just so sad. We should be having our baby right now." There was no baby.

Again, he tried to comfort me but didn't really know how. Not for a lack of trying, though. There was usually no way to console me. "Maybe this time next year we'll have a baby." Nope. Not this year either.

I hesitated to say it again yesterday as we began putting up our gorgeous Christmas tree. Again we had beautiful, twinkling lights. Ornaments from years past. Decorations galore. Dogs at our feet. Cat under the tree. And it hit me again. This time, the tears didn't fall like last year. My eyes welled up with tears, but they didn't fall. It's not because I'm not sad. It's not because I don't have a large, open space in my heart waiting (longing) to be filled with our child. Maybe I just don't have any tears left. Or maybe it's because I don't know what's going to happen next year. Maybe it's because I don't know anything anymore.

Giving Thanks

Although this year has been full of ups & downs, I feel as if there are many reasons to give thanks. I am truly thankful for so many things.

I am thankful for my loving husband, our family, our friends, our pets, our home, our stable jobs, and more. I am thankful that technology has offered me the opportunity to journal my thoughts and experiences in order to help myself and hopefully help someone else. I am thankful that I have made new friends (IRL & OL) that have walked this journey with me thus far.

And while our home does not yet offer a pregnant waddling wife, a beaming father to be, a specially-created nursery, cries in the middle of the night for a feeding, the sounds of crawling knees and pitter patter of little feet, toys strewn about the house, and a family of more than two . . . I must still be thankful.

Psalm 106:1 Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. God has a plan for me - an amazing plan. While I often do not understand why God has me experience some of the things I do in life, I must trust in Him and be thankful to Him for giving me this life and providing me the blessings he has.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. I know the holidays can be difficult for everyone. While Thanksgiving may be a time of joyous cooking, feasting, family, friends, and football, it can also be a day of misery and loneliness for others. No matter what your circumstances may be as you read this, I pray that you will find at least one thing that allows you to offer thanks. No matter how big or how small, you will find something for which you can offer your thanks each day. Please take the time to love yourself and remember there is always something worth living for and always one reason to give thanks even in those darkest days.

Blessings to you and yours.