Show & Tell: Swallowing $5 a Day

Today's Show and Tell involves a little diary action and a couple of stupid photos. :) For those of you that keep up & can count (shout out NoVa!), I am taking the Femara now. It's been pretty uneventful, though.

My Femara Diary by kekis

Day 0 - get Rx filled at $25 for 5 pills - that's WITH insurance, quit drinking alcohol, taught my hair lady (who takes Femara for breast cancer) why she needed bc shots while on her drugs

Day 1 - such a tiny little pill, that thing was $5?, careful not to drop it down the sink, little pill actually gets stuck in my throat, cough it out and take it again, this better pack a BIG punch, no s/e so far . . . I have deep lines in my palm, huh? (Can anyone read my palm & see a baby/babies?)


Day 2 - little cold sweats while grocery shopping, emotional & crying just because, feeling clingy, cuddle w/ Steve since DH won't snuggle with me all day long, DH sighs & shakes his head, finally cuddles with me at bedtime, I cry some more, dry off DH's shoulder & chest, go to sleep

Day 3 - TIRED, slept 9 hours, woke up, wanted nap an hour later, got nails done (not that it has to do w/ Femara but I did), took early evening nap, still exhausted, gassy, feeling the ovaries, learned DH is NOT a girl. While some can keep up with my daily activities (shout out again NoVa!), DH doesn't even remember that I'm taking meds and when. Checked s/e of medication & it said "tiredness." I believe it.

Days 4 & 5 - coming! If it continues like this, nnoooo problem! DH going out of town tomorrow. Luckily it's not because of me. At least that's what he says. :) I get to start peeing on sticks (opks) in one week. This better work . . .

Show and Tell

Many people tell me that I'll be in trouble when I actually have children. You see, I'm a photo freak. I LOVE PICTURES. Since our wedding over two years ago, I've become a bit slack in the photo-taking department. I'm working on getting back to my typical shutterbug self.

For now, I take a shitton amount of photos of my babies - my pets. People pull out pics of their kids, I pull out pics of my dogs. I'm okay being the crazy, infertile woman that carries around pics of her cat and dogs. Gotta take what you can get!

Yesterday I took the dogs to run errands with me. THEY LOVED IT. We went by my Dad's office to pick up something. They got treats. We went to the bank to get money for the maid. They got treats. We drove thru to get me some lunch. They got treats. Of course, I took over a dozen photos during our hour run!

Since I'm sure you were wondering, the bank is always their favorite. The two big dogs start to whine as we pull up to the drive in tellers. Pippin & Steve watch the carriers zip through the tubes. Yesterday as we were waiting, I noticed Steve staring at a man in the lane next to us. This poor man had his carrier & I think Steve was waiting for his treat from the man. :)

Without further adieu . . . my Show & Tell . . . my babies.


Mackey gets the front seat because Steve's an asshole & steps on him he's the oldest. Think I need to get him a pillow, so it'll be easier for him to stand and see out the window.

Sweet Pippin. She's always so good in the car. She likes to stick her head out the windows and let her hair blow in the wind.


And then there's Steve. He's usually not well-behaved in the car but he's damn cute. I thought at one point he was stuck in the floorboard behind my seat. That is until I figured out he was sitting right in front of the vents in the back. Rotten.

Be sure to check out the rest of Mel's Show and Tell. I know that you won't see any other photos of such cute dogs, but you might enjoy something else. :)

Show & Tell: Thoughtful

After my Mary passed away, life oddly went back to normal in about 48 hours. It's been the past month or so that my grieving has really surfaced. When that process first began for me, a package was delivered to my home. The package was sent to me from precious, awesome, funny, sweet, talented, kind, thoughtful and everything-else-good Katie. I'm FINALLY getting to posting about it and thought it would make a great Show & Tell.

The first part of my package was a beautiful Willow Tree Angel. It is the "Thinking of You" angel, and she's holding a shell to her ear. When I sent Katie an email to thank her for such a precious gift, I shared with her that lately shells had been popping up here & there in reference to Mary. Mary loved the ocean and water, so a shell would be very fitting. Right now my angel is sitting on a shelf next to my side of the bed. I think of Mary every time I see it.




The next part of my wonderful gift wasn't really for me. It is a GREAT book titled, "Talk to the Tail (cause the whiskers ain't listenin'!). It wasn't really for me though, because the inscription in the front of the book was addressed to our Mindy, Mackey, Pippin & Steve from Harley & Jersey. :) If you have both dogs & cats, you'll get a real kick out of this book!

What we didn't know when Katie sent this package was that she would soon lose her precious grandmother as well. Just like Mary and me, Katie and her Granny shared a special relationship. We both miss our grandmothers terribly, and while we are so glad that we have such wonderful memories, it can never replace having them here to love. As we both tiptoe skip run kicking and screaming through PL & IF, I know that Katie is on my side and understands. How blessed can I be?

Show & Tell: Desperation

Tales of the Desperate, AMA, RPL, MTHFR & Unfamous Rambler

This is kind of a sucky Show & Tell but you are finding me where I am today. Yes, desperation to become pg is here folks. It's here in full force. How, you ask? Here's how:

• I took Mucinex pre-O. Delightful CM party going on.
• DH received his first "chart observation & training" this week. He acted like he understood, but I don't think he did. Not at all.
• I made sure to respect the 20 minute elevation post-BD.
• I even ate enjoyed gnawed the entire core of what used to be that damn pineapple yesterday. Wonder if I might be a tad allergic since the inside of my mouth began to swell a bit.
• I'm having bfp/twins/mc (in that order) dreams now. Tell you more about it later.
• I continue to grope myself throughout the day. (Note: Pinching your nipples really hard typically doesn't feel so great - pg or not.)
• I'm already checking tp. Old habits die hard.
• I've started taking deep sniffs of things to see if the smell might gross me out.
• I ate hot dogs and deli meat yesterday in case I get pg and can't have them for a while. Next - sushi.
• I'll start randomly peeing on things around the house soon just to practice. Don't worry, I'll blame the dogs.
• I might get crazy enough to buy some sticks to pee on by the end of the week.

I realize that I could've had green tea, stood on my head, used preseed, had sex hanging from the ceiling fan, and many other thing. This will have to do for now.

Show & Tell: Box of Hope

I haven't participated in Mel's Show & Tell in a long time, mainly because I didn't know what to show. Photos of a barren uterus are about all I feel that I've had to offer of late, but I finally have a wonderful photo to share.

I have a wonderful friend named Maria, but you must know that I have never met her IRL. We "met" on a Pregnancy Loss board and have gotten to know one another through the past couple of years. She has become a great friend that provides me strength, patience, and hope. Maria understands my journey and offers me a future through her story. (Hi EJ!)

Yesterday I received what I'm calling the "Box of Hope" from Maria. The contents of this box are my future.



As you can see, the box held a bag containing vials of heparin, some needles/syringes, and even alcohol wipes. WHEN (not if) I get pregnant again, I am actually looking forward to injecting myself every day with blood thinning medication in hopes that I can sustain a pregnancy. These goodies bring me good luck, as Maria received her heparin before getting pg with her precious EJ, so now we're hoping that luck rubs off on me. :)

I knew Maria's kind plans to send her leftover liquid gold to me, but I didn't know that another thoughtful gift would be included. You can also see in the box a precious picture frame. In the sweet note that Maria wrote me, she said, "And when it (the heparin) works, use this frame to keep your weekly u/s pictures." It definitely will be used for our future u/s photos, so DH and I can look at our baby as he/she grows through the weeks.

We are hoping and praying to empty our "box of hope" and use all of its contents very soon. Thank you, Maria!

What Will They Miss?

For this week's Show & Tell, I have to share a photo and some feelings it surfaced in me.

Recently, I came across this photo of all of the cousins (but the three youngest) on my Dad's side of the family. I see it often since I have it on the hard drive of my computer. Seeing this picture reminds me of all of the memories I have with my cousins.

Memories on Grandma & Grandpa's farm in Oklahoma. Playing hide & seek in the wheat fields. Running around the barn and chasing the cows. Country breakfasts of biscuits, sausage, and gravy. Playing free as children, running throughout that safe, small town. Riding the tractors. Going to the soda fountain shop "in town". Visiting Grandpa in the hospital. Visiting the family in California. Family golf tournaments. Family weddings. Shoot, we even had a good time gathering for family funerals. There are so many more memories than just those.

However, seeing the photo this time it made me think of something completely different than usual. I thought of our (hopefully) future children. What will they miss? Will they be able to play with their cousins? My sisters' children range in age from 4 to 21 years old. They will probably be my kids' babysitters. There will be too much of an age difference to be "playmates" like we all were (and still are!). My brother's children are 1 1/2 and 5 1/2, so maybe they'll be close. DH's cousin's kids range in age from 2 - 8, so maybe they can play some.

I just hope that going through what we have so far to create our own family will offer our children the opportunity to have closeness within their extended family. Knowing what blessings I've found in my extended family, it would truly be sad if they did not. Yes, they would be missing out on a great part of what family means to me.

Show & Tell: Cameo

My great-grandmother and I were very close. Granny, as I called her, was my mom's grandmother, my grandmother's mom. She was truly the matriarch of the family and amazingly strong. My Granny raised four children, lost her husband too soon, survived the Great Depression, never learned to drive, buried two of her sons, gardened, cooked amazing food, and sewed anything made of fabric.

One thing Granny always bought me at Christmas was underwear. Now, as a young girl, it was terrible. Often mortified, I would open my package from Granny knowing what I would find within that pretty paper. As an adult, I would love to receive underwear every year. How I miss that gift!

As Granny laid in a hospital bed during her final days, I tried to stay by her side as much as possible. When I wasn't by her side, I was often sleeping on couch cushions on the floor of the waiting room. Granny was unable to speak, but she spoke so clearly through her eyes. I was able to put lotion on her dry skin, feed her broth, and smooth her hair - anything to make her comfortable. I also painted her nails. For years, I enjoyed doing that since her nails were always so smooth and pretty. I knew when Granny died that her fingernails needed to look pretty.

Granny held on for much longer than anyone thought she would. I was only 19, but I knew what lied ahead and called family to let them it was time to come say their goodbyes. Granny still held on, clinging to life.

Then it became time for me to head back to college. My summer was over, and I had to get back to school for sorority rush. As a rush counselor, I moved out of the sorority house and into the dorms. I could not be identified with my sorority, had no telephone, no contact with my sisters, so I could work with the girls preparing to be rushed. A few days into my new unfamiliar and somewhat uncomfortable surroundings, an early morning knock came to our dorm room's door.

I got out of bed, opened the door, and began to cry. I knew what it was. I was brought a phone, and I nervously called my mother. My Granny was gone. She died after we all left the hospital. I tried to figure out how to get home for the funeral. Then my mom recommended that I not come home. "You're busy, Granny is gone, there is nothing you can do now. Granny would want you to stay at school," my mom told me. For some reason that I will NEVER know to this day, I took my mother's advice and did not go home. In a way I still regret that decision, but my goodbyes with Granny came later.

One night, and I'm not sure when, Granny came to me in a dream. She always had a gravely, distinctive voice. In my dream, I was lying on my stomach asleep. Granny woke me up and said, "It's okay. I'm rubbing your back." And she was. She was patting my back as I slept. I know she was really there with me. And she still is. It's been over 20 years, and I know she still is with me. I pray to God and to Granny that she is rocking my babies in Heaven.

So, you're probably wondering why this blog entry is titled "Cameo." Well, here's why! When I was in high school, Granny started giving me "stuff". At the age of 16, I thought that most of it was crap. Except for one piece of jewelry she gave me. It was a cameo. Granny told me it was the last gift her husband gave her before he died. That stuck with me, and I kept the cameo with me. On my wedding day, I told my grandmother (Granny's only daughter) the story of the cameo, and asked her to pin it in my wedding dress. Granny was with me that day, just as she always is.

Sadly, my grandmother Mary will be joining her mother (my Granny) in the near future to help rock my babies. I know that they both will always be with me, and it brings me comfort to know that I will have so much love coming from above.

For more Show & Tell, check out Mel's list of participants for this week.

Show & Tell: Just Look at Us

For today's Show & Tell, I have to show you a couple of photos of DH & I as children. I surprised my husband at our wedding with a running slide show that included lots of photos I had and others I got from his Dad.

DH in the photo I lovingly call "The Tank." I desperately hope to have a tank baby just like this!


An (obviously) old photo of me that I removed from an oval frame. Yep, still have the damned curly hair.

See why we need to have some babies?! How cute would they be????? Babies with blonde, curly hair & big, blue eyes . . . gotta have some. And SOON!

I've done a little upkeep on this pathetic little blog. Since I was sick of looking at my ugly blog header, I made a new one on Scrapblog! (If you're using Google Reader, you'll have to painstakingly click to open my blog and see the new header.) If you haven't checked out Scrapblog, try it. It's almost addicting as scrapbooking to me. My header still needs some polishing, but I think it looks much better than the old one.

Show & Tell: DUD.

Dear FRER Gods,

Your tests suck. The most recent hpt that I used was bought from your stinking company, and it was a dud. WTF is this???

See the line? Of course you do! Do you see how it goes about halfway down and then takes a 90-degree turn to the left? Seriously????? Don't give a girl TTC strange hope with a bogus test. (of course I saw the top of the line before I saw the funky part) I knew it was a little early to test - only 8dpo - but after days of killer nipples, tender breasts, evening nausea & more, I figured it was worth a pee.

I asked DH to take a look at the stick, and he said, "Uh, that's not an option." He's right. Even a non-expert knows.

I must've jinxed myself, because after two more FRERs that were whiter than my dimply, fat ass and a negative digital, I'm now very lightly spotting. Bite me stupid, broken, dud FRER.

I want my money back.
I want my hope back.
I want my dignity back.
I want my three babies back.

Who am I kidding? I just want a baby.

Check out who else is going to the front of the class this week with their Show & Tell!

Show & Tell

This week's Show & Tell is very special to me. It's a photograph taken tonight of me with my grandmother (Mary) and my mom. Three generations - we like taking those photos.

My DH and I had my grandparents and my mom & her husband over for dinner tonight. I can pretty much guarantee that it will be the last time that we are all together in our house. You see, Mary has cancer. That's not the surprising part - she's had cancer for 28 years. You wouldn't know by looking at her how sick she really is. She's a beautiful woman - always has been!

The bad part is that the cancer is winning now. It's heartbreaking to see her in pain, tired, and withering away to nothing. The worst part is that there isn't a damn thing that any of us can do about it.

We had a wonderful dinner (thanks to me!), drinks, and dessert. Mary ate more than I've seen her eat in a long time. I'd cook up a storm every meal and take it to her if I knew she'd eat like that every time. Mary lasted at least three hours, which is a long time for her these days. It was such a special time with us all being together, and I wish it could've last forever.

Unfortunately for my part, there will only be these three generations, not four. How disappointing. My children would really need to know their great grandmother (known by the other kids as "Mary the Great"!). I will have to share all of those memories and stories and strength from my grandmother with them.

Obviously I've learned that there are no guarantees, and life is one of them. We love you, Mary.

This is Getting Old

BFN. And I really, really, really thought this might be "the one". Even though it's my summer vacation, I've been a dutiful little TTC soldier and getting up at 7am every morning to temp. I've been charting like a madwoman, noting all symptoms, etc.

As of this morning, spotting has begun and my temp took a nose dive. It's still above the coverline but the red-headed evil slut is on her way. I know she is.

I've seriously had major symptoms, so much so that DH was beginning to think I was pg too. I've been so bloated that I can only wear a couple of pairs of my pants. My boobs have gotten bigger/fuller - if that's even possible. Smells have gotten to me. Nausea. Dizziness. Thirstiness. Excess saliva. Headaches. Heartburn. As gross as it is, I've even thrown up in my mouth a few times. With all of that not only did I think, "Hhhmmm . . . maybe I really am pregnant." I also decided that the nausea and mini-vomits might have meant some good m/s and a viable pg was ahead of us.

I just remember the RE's statement as it resounds through my head, "Six months to you is not like six months to a 25 year old." He told me this three months ago. As much as I know my body is quickly running out of time to produce a baby, that reminder is beginning to ring more true every day. Not only am I a little frustrated, I'm started to get scared. Not a good mix. It's the kind of mix that brings out only two responses in me - fight like hell or retreat completely. There are no gray areas for me when I'm backed into a corner like this. We've been on the TTC journey for 17 months now and I'm getting really tired.

How much more are we supposed to take? Where do we go from here? Do we try one more time, hoping that there is hope? Do I head back to the RE and expect to walk into his office to see him expectantly wielding a dildo-cam in one hand and a turkey baster in the other? Is that even a guarantee? And if we see the RE, how the hell are we supposed to pay for it? We honestly do not have the money to pay for what is ahead of us. How do we make these decisions now?

I'm getting ready to put down my war gear and give up the fight. God, this is getting really old.

Show & Tell

This is S&T "druggie style". As I was doing the weekly setup of my pill boxes (a.k.a. my drug lab), I thought, "Wow, I take a lot of pills." I feel like an old grandma!!!

As a woman who is AMA, homozygous MTHFR, hypertensive, a survivor of 3 prior losses, & who is TTC again, I definitely got me some drugs to take each day. Fortunately (or should it be unfortunately?), they are all legal and with authorized prescriptions. So here they are - in all their glory:

Man, I need to find a decent Show & Tell for next week! These are getting desperately sad. :)

This Week's Show & Tell

Okay, so it's not like a pretty or cool photograph you might see in someone else's S&T. It's the story behind the picture. You see a clock right? Believe it or not, it's not my biological clock (helllooooo . . . you'd hear that ticking!). It's the clock that often rings in my head when I'm reminded of a milestone.

Clock Scenario #1: I should have an almost 7-month old baby in my arms. Nope. Never mind.




Clock Scenario #2: I should have a 3-month old baby in my arms. Nope. Never mind.





Clock Scenario #3: I should be nearing my 20th week of pregnancy. Nope. Never mind.

I see and hear people, things, stories, sounds that remind me of these milestones. They aren't milestones that bring me joy. These are milestones that absolutely remind me of what I DON'T have. What I so desperately want.

I'm ready to smash the shit out of that clock. I can buy a new one if I need to. Yes, I'm a poor teacher, but I can afford a cheap clock. It'll be cheap in case I have to break another one someday.

You know what? To hell with that clock. I am going to smash it without buying another one. This is war. I want a baby and I'm going to get one. Just watch me.

Show & Tell

I've decided to participate in a weekly "Show & Tell" on this here blogosphere. It's supposed to be done on Sundays, but I'm usually running a tad late for most things as it is.

My first S&T is one of my tattoos. The picture is not of good quality & you're probably thinking, "Eeewww - what an ugly ankle" but I don't really care. Do you know how hard it is to take a good picture of your ankle? It's not an easy task!

Anyway, here 'tis:




I got this one on/near the first anniversary of my baptism on April 25, 1999. I decided in that year following my baptism that I wanted a tattoo showing my journey thus far. Since you probably can't tell, my artwork is on the outside of my right ankle between the ankle bone & Achilles. (And before you ask, yes it hurt. Bad.)

I had it placed on my right ankle because that is the ankle that I tore playing soccer in 1998. I was in a boot for six weeks and could neither drive nor work during that time. It was one of those times in your life that God breaks you down so He can show you that He's in control and will lift you up in time. I was lonely, depressed, bored, broke, and feeling pretty desolate. It was in those days that I started feeling a pull towards something - and I thought it was Christ. So, on the ankle for that reason, but what about the rest?

I got the cross because it was at that time that I found God. The wings represent the angels who carried me all those years and who helped take me closer to Him. The waves below the cross represent my baptism. That day was such an amazing day full of many spiritual signs that told me I was where I needed to be.

I hesitated posting this on my blog because while I am a Christian, I am definitely an imperfect one. You may see me curse or question fate on this blog. God will forgive me though. That's the cool thing about Him I've learned!

And you may be wondering about my other tattoo. It is a crescent moon & star near my bikini line, and I won't dare try to take or post a picture of that one!

I have Shown and I have Told. Ta-dum!