May Go Private

I'm very seriously considering taking this blog into the land of private blogs. This has absolutely nothing to do with my crappy day today.

In case you care, I HATE blogs that are private because they don't work in my Google Reader. I honestly don't read them very often because they aren't in my GR. However, there are a few people in the far-reaches of my world (more like people of my past worlds) that I do NOT want having access to anything about my IF journey.

If you're reading this, you aren't one of those people. Whether you know me or not, whether you've ever commented or not, I still want you to have access to my ramblings - and I still need your support.

Please leave me a comment or shoot me an email that contains your email.

Betrayal

My body betrays me yet again. AF reared her ugly red-headed slut self with a vengeance this morning. She showed up three days early just to rub it in. Fuck my body.

Patience is a Virtue

I do not have. BFN this morning. It's only 9dpiui but it was still as stark white as my ass . . . without the dimples. I'll try again maybe Sunday or Monday.

I've Been Given Permission

to "pee on things." When I told DH that I'm not feeling so great (explained the watermelon/rubber band ute and heavy boobs), he told me to not "get excited and cross your fingers." Damn naysayer.

I asked DH when he thought I should test. After I explained when I could/should test - because he has no clue and hasn't asked a damn thing about anything - he said I could start peeing on things. I asked him what things. His reply, "Whatever you want. It obviously doesn't matter to Mackey (our dog). He pees on everything & I can just yell 'Who peed on THIS?'"

On a totally different note: I love my dog. Stevie makes me smile, cry with joy, and warms my heart on a constant basis. If I feel jsut some of this with a baby I will be more than blessed, more than fulfilled, and absolutely insane with love.

I know I'm talking/rambling/blogging a lot today. I'm nervous and excited and hopeful and prepared for complete disappointment.

You Know You're in the Throes of Infertility When

You talk about sperm.




With your Dad.

Phantom Symptom Update

Today I'm 8dpiui and thinking *maybe* there are some more phantom symptoms.

* My boobs are aching just a tad.

* My uterus feels like it's filled with a huge watermelon & hanging by rubber bands inside my lower abdomen.

* Today I was a cranky bitch. And I mean cranky. (If my lil' banana bread, singer friend in Nashville is reading this, ask your mom. She'll confirm. Oh, and I miss you!) Somebody at school spoke to me cross and I wasn't in the mood.

* Some smells are a bit stronger to me, but not like pregnant bloodhound nose smells yet.

* I'm craving Sprite. Had it twice in the past 3 days & it sounds good again. I'm a DP drinker when I do enjoy my one per day.

* There might be some additional saliva in my mouth, but I've been craving Sprite and just ate some candy. ;)

* Very light, dull headache - but that's not uncommon.

* Tired - but not pg like beatdown dead tired.

* I'd also like to claim pg brain, but I think I just need some sleep. That and I'm an idiot sometimes.

There ya have it. The next big decision is when to test. If the evil, red-headed slut is coming, AF will be here on Tuesday. However, I have some drinking plans tonight, tomorrow & maybe Saturday. Yeah, I'm a loser. Really though . . . I just don't want to see any more sticks that are as stark white as my nekkid ass.

Other than a BFP (and a heartbeat, etc.), what do I want next? THIS:

Yep, morning sickness. Didn't have much with my three pregnancies, so I'm ready to hurl like a champion.

Oh, and since I tend to ramble, I'm getting sick & tired of people saying, "What if this doesn't work? What's next?" I want to respond, "Why don't you just STFU?" Thinking about it now makes me wanna go get cranky again.

Before I Go to Sleep

I must update you all. I mean, God forbid I get sleep without updating you all with my phantom symptoms.

Today's P.S.:
- uterus feels so heavy (like a weight is in it)
- thirsty
- boobs feel different, kinda sore but not really sore
- can't stand the smell of onions or Pippin's breath
- tired
- some light bloating
- can't stand having anything against my waist
- weird feelings of pressure, stretching & other stuff in the uterine area
- strangeness in my throat, not nausea or vomiting, but icky

Going to bed. I'd hate to add really cranky to this list.

New Blog for Kelsey

Please check out Patti's new blog for Kelsey and their family. The UP Family

Kelsey had a tough day today, so go by when you can and share some love with them. Your continued prayers are appreciated.

Please Pray for Kelsey

I am enclosing an email and photo I received from my friend & neighbor. Patty & Andy’s daughter, Kelsey was taken by emergency c-section at only 31.5 weeks because doctors felt something was “wrong” and she would be safer outside the womb. Kelsey was born premature with her family to later learn that she has Down’s Syndrome, heart issues, and a myriad of other health problems that come with being a preemie. She is now facing open heart surgery with complications.

Please keep our friends in your prayers. They have experienced the heartbreaking journey of IF, and finally have their two babies. Unfortunately, the past seven weeks have been extremely rough for Kelsey, her parents, and her big brother (Keeton, age 2½ ). The road ahead is difficult and dangerous. Patti is also dealing with some health issues that concern her as well.

When I asked Patti if it was okay for me to pass on her requests, she was thankful that I would ask others to join us in prayer. Feel free to pass this on to your prayer groups, church groups and friends. If you'd like to use the above photo as a button for your blog, please feel free to do so. I’ll keep you updated as I can.

Until then, thank you.
__________________________________________

Kelsey's not getting better, Wednesday and Thursday she started getting worse and Friday was very scary for us. We met the with the NICU team of nurses and doctors to discuss our options and at first, they wanted her to have open heart surgery ASAP. But the pediatric cardiologist thought she was too little and it would be too dangerous (meaning she wouldn't make it out of surgery). She spent the whole morning talking to us, the heart surgeons, and the NICU doctors trying to figure out what would be the best for Kelsey. The three problems with her heart I mentioned in the last email (PDA, VSD and ASD) were getting to be too much for her little body to handle. Her lungs and body were filling up with fluid and she was having a hard time breathing. On top of that her platelets were continuing to drop and she had to get platelets twice, once on Tuesday and then again on Friday. Friday they put her back in her incubator and back on IV fluids only and thought it best not to hold her. Then told us we needed to decide if we wanted to move her to "Hospital C" or "Hospital M" (changed for privacy reasons - there are two major pediatric hospitals in the area) and if we wanted to do surgery to only fix the PDA (it's on the outside of the heart) now and hope she improves so we can do open heart surgery when she bigger (at least 8 lbs) or do we want to risk doing open heart surgery now and fix them all (VSD and ASD are the holes in the heart). Another risk for the open heart is that putting you on the heart and lung pump burns platelets and she has a problem with making platelets. Needless to say, Friday and Saturday was a tough time for us trying to get all the info we need to make this decision. We did a lot of praying and talking to doctors and anyone else that could help us.

So, Saturday afternoon we decide to go with "Hospital M" (one of the hospitals which is closer to home) and plan on doing just the PDA surgery first, sometime this week. We've prayed about this decision and asked God to give us the wisdom to make the right decision and now we have to trust in Him to give us a peace about it. This has been one of the hardest decisions we have had to make. We don't know how this week will unfold but have to trust it's in God's hands. Kelsey will probably be moved to Hospital M (the new hospital) tomorrow (Monday morning). Then the heart surgeon and cardiologist will have to decide when her surgery will be for the PDA. Also, Hospital M has a pediatric hematologist that will also look at her and try to figure out what's going on with her blood ("Hospital P" where she's been didn't have ped. hematologist). We're also going to have a ped. liver doctor look at her because her liver is still too large and we have never gotten a good answer as to why. She will probably still be in the incubator and on IV fluids until they can get all this done.

Tuesday will be 7 weeks since she was born and we aren't much closer to getting her home. That's very discouraging to us but at the same time we are hopeful the change in hospitals, a new set of doctors looking at her and the surgery to close the PDA will make a BIG difference. We definitely need your prayers for Kelsey, both of us and big brother Keeton. It's been a long 7 weeks and we still have a long way to go.

Also, tomorrow I have my gallbladder function test at 11:30am. Pray we find the answers we need for me. Not the best timing for this gallbladder but God know how much we can handle and we are depending on Him more than ever for His strength, His peace and His hope to help us through all of this.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support!!!

Love,

Patti and Andy

Back by Popular Demand

Or should I say "Back Because Some of You People are Nosy?" or "Back Because I Have No Humility & Share It All?" :)

Today's phantom symptoms listed with possible causes:

Symptom.....................................................Possible Cause(s)

1. Woke up STARVING.............................didn't eat dinner last night, being a fat cow, pregnancy

2. Peed several times today......................drank plenty of water, old age, loss of bladder control, pregnancy

3. Irritable...............................................being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, tired & hungry, probably peed on myself, Femara s/e, pregnancy

4. Awful afternoon headache....................being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, Femara s/e, cold front coming in, just being a bitch in general, stress, need for chocolate, pregnancy

5. Skin breaking out...................................stress, hormones, wanting to be a teenager, pregnancy

6. Tired........................................................lack of sleep, being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, pregnancy

ETA: 7. Threw up in the back of my throat again............could be school cafeteria cheese nachos for lunch, pregnancy GROSS