The Nursery Wannabe

I'm preparing to clean out the "front" bedroom, aka as the nursery-wannabe.  I've been putting off for several reasons, but the time has come.  I'm going to clean out (excavate), repaint & redecorate our guest room and move some of the front bedroom's stuff into that room.  I'm getting rid of the king-sized bed in the guest room and moving the queen bed and nightstands from the front bedroom in there.  I'll also clean out the closet and begin purging.  It needs to be done, but this poses two issues for me.

Firstly, I want this room to be a NURSERY.  Not just a nursery, but a nursery for a LIVE BABY.  Not a place for us to wish for or hope for or sit in and cry while waiting, but a real live place for our real live little baby/babies.  I refuse to break my heart even more by actually painting and preparing it as such, but I can at least clean it out, right?

This room almost shouts to me asking where its baby is. When will it be painted and decorated and filled with toys and books and blankies and diapers and - most of all - love? Right now it's basically the cat room. It's a safe place for the cat to get away from the dogs and be old and cranky. It also houses my scrapbook armoire, a small desk, an extra bed, and some storage. Even with all of that settled in there, it's still not a complete room.

The second issue is what lies beneath the queen bed in the nursery wannabe.  Baby stuff.  A cute, green baby outfit friends bought us when we found out we were pregnant for the first time.  Books my mom bought us the second time we were pregnant.  A Kate Spade diaper bag my MIL gave me for Christmas before she learned of our miscarriages and IF.  A cute picture frame my friend Maria sent me with her leftover heparin we just "knew" I'd need soon.  (which has since expired)  Bottle bags.  Cans of formula.  Pacifiers.  A nursing cover.  And much more that I've tried to shove in the recesses of my heart and mind, but I still remember.

My mind plays tricks on me and I begin thinking silly things like, "Maybe God wants me to make room for a baby" and "Maybe God is waiting for my cat to die before I get a baby" and "Maybe God simply doesn't want us to have a baby."  Well, no matter what God wants, I'm cleaning out that room.  I just hope He wants it to be filled with a baby or two . . . and very soon.

Do you have a room or space that longs to be filled with a baby?  What does that room say to you?  And what do you say back?  Wanting a baby isn't just about a barren uterus, empty arms, and a broken heart.  It's emotional and physical - in more places than just inside us.

Tired of Being Infertile

Just sayin'.  Don't worry, I know I'm not alone.

Slowly Catching On

I learned last week that DH does listen sometimes.  He was wanting to get lucky, and asked, "When do we need to FWP?"  I immediately started cracking up.  It's funny (and sometimes almost cute) when he actually listens & remembers something IF-related.  For the record, he's now asked for me to add "FWP" to our family calendar.  :)

ETA a Note to Self:  The next time you update your IF blog from your work computer, please do not leave your work in progress window open.  When you request services from IT & they remote into your computer, they too will need to figure out what FWP means.  I think it could mean something like FML.  Ugh.

Nothing to Report

Man, this blog is getting repetitive.  TTC, AF, rinse, repeat.  That red-headed slut showed again today, and I'm not surprised.  Between my broken out skin, spotting for three days, my little allergy "incident" and our timing, I didn't think we'd be able to conceive this cycle anyway.  So . . . on to cycle #41.  I'm not disappointed or sad or frustrated or anything like that.  I'm just kinda done in a used to it way.

I attended the funeral of my BFF's brother last week, the sister of a friend was murdered over the weekend, school started with the kids on Monday, and I got in a wreck yesterday.  Needless to say, I am SPENT.  Sleep is a commodity, energy is tapping the reserves, and the wine is running out around here!

Even though it's been tough, I have a surprisingly good attitude.  I know things could be so much worse.  Here's to praying it doesn't get that way!

Infertility E-Class

Through my IF online board, I learned of an Infertility E-Class being offered.  Sounds like a great idea!  I've registered.  Won't you join too?

August 19th Day of Hope

http://august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com/

 

In Case There was a Chance

If there was a chance of me getting pregnant this cycle, I think that plan was thwarted on Wednesday.  Here's what happened.

Please Note

I've had TONS of comments left that are in an Asian language unknown by me.  If I can't read your comment in English, I will reject it.  Sorry, but I am not taking the chance of a virus infecting my computer.

Back from San Francisco

. . . and it's hotter than hell here ! I went from sleeping with the windows open and wearing a jacket during the day in California to walking into a wall of fire regardless of the hour here in Dallas. Oh well. Home is home and I'm glad to be back.  We really missed our pets and our own bed.

On the IF front, I feel like I don't know where we are anymore. Cycle 40 is underway, but I'm thinking I'm going to O wwaaayyyy earlier than usual.  We'll give it the "old college try" (how freaking stupid is that statement for an IFer?!) and see what happens.

I've been fighting with bouts of jealousy and despair.  I'm not jealous of women who are pregnant & have children, but I am extremely envious of their situations.  I find myself irritated with strangers and friends alike.  Jealous of anything from a pg belly to someone who already has a child that beats me in a game on FB to someone else complaining about their kids.  But then, I think of when we were in Monterey and I offered to take the photo of a couple who obviously were on their babymoon.  When she said, "Make sure you get the belly!" I didn't even kick her in the head or toss her into the ocean.  Hopefully the birds at least shit on her.  SEE????  It's all really pretty irrational.  I feel like I can't win for losing, so it's just something I need to deal with for now.

I also flounder from "forget this shit" to "I'm going to die if I don't have a baby."  Do I keep going and see if we get a baby, or do I go ahead & give up and take the childless route.  How whack is that?  I truly feel like a nutjob sometimes.  I'm sure I sound like one, too.  :)

I'll be updating our blog later with all sorts of vacation stuff, so feel free to drop over there if you so desire.  Until then, I'll continue being insane.  At least that's one thing on which we can all depend.

Cycle #40

Cycle #40 began today after a few days of some definite phantom symptoms that almost gave me some hope.  While I am disappointed in yet another bfn, I've been able to find the positives.  Right now we are vacationing in gorgeous Northern California, and I'm sitting here getting my drink on before getting in the hot tub tonight.  Couldn't have done that with a bfp, huh?

I will say that if the number of cycles it takes us to get pg exceeds my age, we will have a problem.