Rocking My Babies

We lost my grandmother Mary this morning. She passed away peacefully at home with my mom by her side at 5:20am. Mary is now in Heaven with her parents, two of her brothers, her best friend, and a grandson. My babies now have some loving arms to rock them until I get there to meet them someday.


My grandmother was the most amazing, courageous, and strong woman I have ever met. This world will be a much different place without her. I know my world will be.

I love you, Little Grandmother, and I already miss you terribly. We all do. May you rest in peace.

Past blog posts about Mary: Prayers for Mary / Mary the Great / Cancer Sucks / Oh, Mary

Please Pray

Baby Stellan needs your prayers.

Why?

Although I didn't say anything about it on this blog, I REALLY thought I was pregnant after all the symptoms I was having - sore boobs, nausea, massive bloating, pregnancy/bfp dreams, waves of crampiness, and throwing up dinner one night. I'm trying REALLY hard not to get depressed about it. Disappointment is a nice way to describe how I feel now.

It's scary because I'm 41 and just don't have a lot of time now. I just can't give up. I have to have a baby. How did I go from being pg three times in one year to NOTHING?? I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

Time to double up on the Prozac (which I quit taking in the 2ww), drink like a fish, have a sushi/hot dog/deli meat/soft serve ice cream/soft cheese sandwich, and figure out where to go from here.

This sucks.

Spotting Already

The red-headed slut is on her way. I hope when she gets here she can explain to me why my boobs have been so sore, the bloating has been ridiculous, and why I threw up dinner the other night. She also owes me for three ruined pee sticks. Yep, another cycle shot. I hate that bitch.

Dreaming of Sticks

Disclaimer --- The pictures you see in this post are NOT REAL. They are a fabrication created to reinforce a point. Please do not get excited. I repeat, do NOT get excited.

Why in the world am I dreaming of pee sticks??!!! A few nights ago, I had a dream that I poas and the stick said, "Yes. Actually, it's twins!" It looked a little like this:

Then last night I had a dream about some sticks as well, but I've since forgotten it. I don't dream of peeing on the sticks, just the sticks after they have an answer. Crazy.

One Year Ago Today

Our 3rd loss - a c/p - began a year ago today. I began spotting and just knew. Just the day before, I was nauseous and (while trying to hide the pg) eating crackers and drinking Sprite all morning. My friend Laurie was thankfully in town and thankfully figured it out. (She's just smart like that - ha!)

The next day when I woke up to spotting, it's like she knew by looking at my face. That afternoon, Laurie literally placed her hands on my stomach and prayed for DH, our baby, and me. Her praying over me was such an amazing experience. I just cried as she prayed. Unfortnately, God had other plans for our little angel. Guess He needed a third to help mediate fights between our other two angels. :)

As of today (for the most part), I haven't been pregnant for a year. It's just crazy to think that we went from 3 pgs in one year to NOTHING. If we don't get pg this cycle, it will mean that we will have been dealing with pg/RPL/IF within FOUR calendar years before we hopefully have a baby in our arms. Ridiculous.

Other than that, I told DH today that we are on "phantom symptom watch." I only gave that up because he caught me grabbing my tits. HAha! (Note: still no sticks in the house.)

Show & Tell: Desperation

Tales of the Desperate, AMA, RPL, MTHFR & Unfamous Rambler

This is kind of a sucky Show & Tell but you are finding me where I am today. Yes, desperation to become pg is here folks. It's here in full force. How, you ask? Here's how:

• I took Mucinex pre-O. Delightful CM party going on.
• DH received his first "chart observation & training" this week. He acted like he understood, but I don't think he did. Not at all.
• I made sure to respect the 20 minute elevation post-BD.
• I even ate enjoyed gnawed the entire core of what used to be that damn pineapple yesterday. Wonder if I might be a tad allergic since the inside of my mouth began to swell a bit.
• I'm having bfp/twins/mc (in that order) dreams now. Tell you more about it later.
• I continue to grope myself throughout the day. (Note: Pinching your nipples really hard typically doesn't feel so great - pg or not.)
• I'm already checking tp. Old habits die hard.
• I've started taking deep sniffs of things to see if the smell might gross me out.
• I ate hot dogs and deli meat yesterday in case I get pg and can't have them for a while. Next - sushi.
• I'll start randomly peeing on things around the house soon just to practice. Don't worry, I'll blame the dogs.
• I might get crazy enough to buy some sticks to pee on by the end of the week.

I realize that I could've had green tea, stood on my head, used preseed, had sex hanging from the ceiling fan, and many other thing. This will have to do for now.

Your Input Might Help Someone Else

This is C&P from an entry on Glow in the Woods. Your feedback might help someone else, so please read below and participate if you are willing.


Dr. Katherine Gold of the University of Michigan’s Department of Obstetrics & Gynecology studies pregnancy loss (particularly stillbirth) and its effect on families, and explores how the healthcare providers might improve their response.

Dr. Gold has put together a brief web survey for mothers who frequent internet message boards and discussion groups for support—with the results, she hopes to explore the Internet and online communities as a channel to help bereaved mothers, and data from the survey will help the university to design more effective support programs.

Click here to share your voice, your story and your feedback--keeping in mind that the survey focuses on the use of message/discussion boards versus blogs, and is designed to collect quantitative data as opposed to anecdotal.

The survey is free and confidential; both the study and survey have been reviewed and approved by the University of Michigan Institutional Review Board


Although I have not experienced a late loss or stillbirth, I completed the survey in hopes that I can help other women who have experienced loss at any stage of pregnancy. Maybe you can help, too.

Change is Good?

I hope this change is good! I've had a handful of people complain bitch whine share a concern with me that my blog was difficult to properly see. I checked it out on several different computers and didn't see any issues.

In order to accommodate all of my faithful readers (and because the previous layout was getting old), I once again depended on my friends at The Cutest Blog on the Block and made some updates. I hope this change works. Let me know if that fixes whatever issues were a problem!

One Year Ago Today

We found out that we were pregnant again. Our third BFP (in one year for that matter). Of course we didn't too excited because our history hadn't proved to be successful to that point, but I was still trying to be hopeful. Four days later, I began spotting. The doctor verified the next morning that it was a chemical pregnancy.

This has been such a long road . . .