An Amazing Quote

I know it's been forever since I posted,  Things have been tough around here for us, so I've been trying to pick up the pieces and get things done.  Nothing on the infertility front other than my surgery is scheduled.  Promise to catch you all up soon.

Meanwhile, my friend Sarah shared this on FB today, and I had to share it with you: 

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness.  For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" - Laura Bush

What's Up, Balloon Girl?

As I said in my previous post, the fundus of my uterus - the top part - is covered in adhesions (scar tissue) that cover over 25% of my uterine cavity.  When an embryo implants, it most often implants in the top, posterior (backside) of the uterus.  Because this area is scar tissue that has no blood flow, an embryo would basically "bounce" off the scar tissue and either (1) not find a good place to hang out for the next nine months, (2) find a place to implant and miscarry, or as I asked Dr. Super (3) implant somewhere, grow into what appears as a viable pregnancy and become a late m/c due to lack of blood flow or, worse, (4) implant, grow, and need to be an early delivery ending in fetal demise due to IUGR.

So . . . the scar tissue needs to go.  Dr. Super thinks it is possible for a fibroid to have regrown behind the scar tissue, but it can't be seen until the adhesions are gone.  I'm in the process of setting up everything for my exciting surgery.  Sounds like it will need to be a laparascopic hysteroscopy in which they'll remove the scar tissue and any potential fibroid behind it.  I talked with Nurse Amazing yesterday, and Dr. Terrific is on board for knifing me again doing my surgery.  School is out for both DH and I on June 4th, so I'm hoping to plan it for that next week.

What will the surgery "look" like?  Well, it sounds like the adhesions need to be "shaved down" during the surgery.  It's possible that two surgeons will need to work together to make that happen.  I'm going to discuss that with Dr. T.  I want this to be the LAST surgery I need.  I think four in three years is plenty.  Anyway. . .

After the surgery is complete, Dr. Super is recommending that I am placed  on a strong regiment of E2 in order to help the lining quickly heal and replenish itself.  Estrogen is the hormone that rebuilds your uterine lining.  The most exciting part (note: SARCASM) is that Dr. S also recommends that a balloon be placed in my uterus and inflated to keep my uterus expanded.  When raw tissue (such as the inside of my surgeried ute) touches, it adheres to itself to increase blood flow.  That's what creates the adhesions, which is why Dr. S thinks my adhesions came from one of my previous surgeries (either D&C or EHLC-Rita).  The balloon will remain inflated in my uterus for at least 3-4 days post op, and will create quite a bit of cramping.  The balloon will apparently have a tube that hangs out of me (ew ew ew!) and will be taped to my leg until I go in to have it removed.  I found a few pics online, but you can search those on your own.  I'm surely not posting them here! 
How much I have to look forward to, huh???  The things I/we have done to simply have a baby.

Hopefully my AMH results will be in soon.  Pray for normal!  So - what else do you want to know?  Just comment with your questions & I'll try to answer them.  I'm exhausted, finished rambling (for now), freaked out a bit after talking about the balloon & going to bed.  I hope I don't have balloon dreams now.

Weird Dreams

I haven't gotten a good night's sleep all week because of my crazy dreams! My dreams are always very vivid and extremely weird, and I remember lots about them. DH just rolls his eyes now if we wake up & I say, "I had a weird dream last night."  It's nothing new!  The other night, I dreamt that I was trying to pretend that I was asleep so I could overhear something. I was struggling to stay awake in my dreamwhich kept me waking up in the night. Fortunately, I'd fall back asleep, but then I'd dream it again & again.

Well, last night's dream was really weird. I was with Kate and her 8 at their house. Apparently I was going to visit for a few days because she had a room upstairs ready for me.  Kate had about 10 friends over to meet me, and we hung out chatting and sipping wine. Then when Kate & I were alone, she told me that Jon was coming back & would be there in a few minutes. In walks Jon (and boy was he tall in my dream!) and we all chatted. The kids were doing their own thing & were very well-behaved. One of Kate's friends took me on a tour of their future high school & showed me where they were building "America's wing."  They were building behind walls and new wings to the school because they'd need the space for cameras to shoot when the kids got there.  Then the friend took me into the mall because they were doing the same kind of building.

I really wanted to talk to Kate about our challenges to have a baby, but we were always to busy & I didn't find the right time.  We were in tbe kitchen for a while preparing meals or something (and they weren't organic!), then went back to the friends, took the kids outside to play, saw Jon and his guy friends hanging out in the den, and more.

For the record, I used to enjoy watching Jon & Kate + 8.  DH would walk through the living room to hear all of the screaming on the TV and mutter something to the effect (or exactly say), "This show makes me want to cut off my balls."  Once Kate's maniacal side become really, really obvious and Jon continued to hide his cojones before he start running around on her, I quit watching. Now I stay awake from that train wreck at all costs.  Except for in my freaky dreams.

With all of this dreaming action, it's no wonder I've been so tired!!

The One Thing I HAVEN'T Heard

"Here's the answer." 

I haven't heard that in this whole journey.  However, I heard it for the first time today.  Not only did I hear the answer, I saw it with my own eyes.

Today's appointment with Dr. Super becomes a long story, but I'll give some of the basics now and follow up with details later.  Hope that is acceptable to some of the nosy people readers here.  :)  You know I love the nosy ones and the readers alike!

1.  The fear and apprehension I had about today's appointment - mainly the hysteroscopy - was (as always) worse than the actual procedure itself.  Granted, a foot-long, metal pole-thing that shoots saline inside of your bum ute and takes video isn't fun, but I expected worse.  (For the record, I took photos of said scary pole thing.)

2.  The answer?  Adhesions - scar tissue - is taking over 1/4 of my uterine cavity.  The fundus of my uterus is completely blocked.  Surgery will be needed (yuck), but it has to be done.

3.  My AMH results will be back in a few days.  I hope and pray, pray, pray that it's normal.

4. If my AMH is normal, there is a strong possibility that we could actually conceive a baby on our own without ART.  Amazing, hope-inspiring, and nerve-racking.

5.  I'm totally pissed off at Dr. Gloom & Doom.  His stupid ass should have caught this.  He did the SAME EXACT procedure I had today with me under anesthesia and cost me a shitton of dollars and lots of valuable time.  There is absolutely no reason he should have missed it.  Even I noticed the scar tissue, and I'm not a licensed medical professional.  A few people have already recommended that I pursue legal action against this S.O.B., but I prefer to direct my energy elsewhere.

I'll have more details coming about the appointment itself, what I saw during the procedure, the pictures that were drawn  by Dr. Super, causes, follow up, what surgery would entail & more.

The saga continues . . .



PS: There have been several people that are IRL friends, internet friends, online/board friends, readers, and others who have sent me love and well-wishes lately. Thank you. I've been in a real reflective place about all of "this" lately & haven't responded to many of you who have reached out, but please know it hasn't gone unnoticed and that I love you and appreciate you.

What IF?

My words can't do this justice, but if you feel that the holes in your heart were just given words, go by Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed and tell Keiko thank you like I did.  Her video is the epitome of NIAW to me.


What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

The Chickens and Cows Did It to Me

In recognition of National Infertility Awarenss Week, I have been posting some facts and information as my status updates on Facebook.  I've used statements about knowing what to say - or not to say - to someone dealing with IF.  I also shared that just infertiles don't look a particular way; that we don't wear a tag that says, "Hi, I'm the Rambler and I'm Infertile."

For those of you battling IF, there are people out there who believe they can help you.  I'm sure *they* think that their intentions are true, but they obviously need to STFU.  For example:

"Did you know I read just recently that there is an increase of infertility due to what the hormones they inject into chickens and beef? I would recommend only things like Whole Foods who don't use that if you are having trouble. Just an FYI."

With that incredible insight. I will now blame the chickens and cows for my battle with IF.  Obviously this person didn't read the part about what NOT to say . . .

Today - 2007 and 2010

Three years ago today, an ultrasound revealed that our first pregnancy was not viable.  It's hard to believe it was three years ago.  The emotions of that day make it feel as if it were yesterday, while the struggles we have faced since then make it feel like forever ago.  I'm in a much better place emotionally now, but today will always linger in my mind.

Today will be difficult in another way because I will spend it with many others saying goodbye to a friend.  Kacie lost her battle with cancer (CML) on April 12 and we will celebrate her life today on what should be her 45th birthday.  I haven't written about it because I didn't feel as if it was my place to do so.  I will ask you to please click on her name to learn her amazing story of strength, love, faith, and family.  You can also find out more about becoming a bone marrow donor to help someone else.

RIP to our first baby and especially to Kacie.

Adding to the Team

BEWARE:  There's a lot to share and read here.

Yesterday, DH and I arrived separately at the office of a nationally-renowned IVF clinic.  As I entered the somewhat dimly-lit waiting room, I was happy to see Mr. Rambler there already, filling out paperwork.  Feeling relieved to not only have seen my husband after a long day, but to see him filling out paperwork for the first time in this journey, instantly put me at ease.  We read, initialed, signed, dated (rinse, lather, repeat) chatted, and watched CNN until our turn came.

The portal to the place where the magic happens opened to a tall, dark man with a large smile.  Enter "Dr. Super", the newest member of Team Rambler!  We began to review through my medical history and records, and not soon after Dr. Super took off his glasses and asked me about my experience with Dr. Gloom & Doom.  Yet again (for the millionth time), my gut was proven correct again as Dr. Super began to ask me some clarifying questions. 

Dr. Super asked me some questions and did so in a very delicate, yet inquisitive, manner.

• Did I have a bicornuate uterus?  (no)
• Did I have fibroids? (don't think so)
• What exactly did that doctor do? (other than misdiagnose me, SHC, HSG, MRI, Hystero)
• Why didn't he give you a complete diagnosis?  (because he's a dumbass)
• Why did the surgical records look like he abruptly stopped my surgery?  (because he did)

He basically had to find out from ME (the patient) what the hell this dude did and meant in his records. Dr. G&D's records weren't even clear!

I REALLY liked Dr. Super, who is the Medical Director for this area.  He knows his stuff.  I recently heard him speak on IF and IVF and was impressed, but I liked him even more meeting him in person.  Better yet, DH really liked him for many of the same reasons I do.  "Dr. Super" is informative, thorough, honest, forthright, and cuts to the chase.  An infertility specialist with a bit of personality?  Say it isn't so!

After clarifying what had already been jacked up in my body and trying to figure out what was still jacked up with my body, we made a plan.  Yes, a PLAN.

Enter Plan #48265397106.457B1a, Section MCMXIV.  Plan details are very basic to start and will occur in a little over a week.

Plan Part 1: More bloodwork. 
This vampiring session will only be done to test my AMH.  When I asked Dr. S if there was anything else he wanted to test, his response was basically that I'd had every other test done that was necessary thanks to Dr. Terrific.  Good thing all of that blood that's been drained from my body was helpful in some way.
Plan Part 2: Office Hysteroscopy
Dr. S wants to see if there are any signs indicative of the uterine cavity being an unfavorable environment for baby growing.  He'll primarily be looking for fibroids since Dr. G&D's records were so unclear that questions are left in Dr. Super's mind.  Basically, another new man for another new hoo-ha party.
Plan Part 3: Meet with Office Manager
Time to talk money.  That's the scary part.  It's all fun and games until we have to start paying out more cash.

Everything else is dependent upon what the hysteroscopy and AMH show.  If the hystero shows fibroids, I'll need to head back into the OR.  Dr. Terrific would do that surgery because Dr. Super does not do surgery.  He simply makes babies.  Fine with me.  If my AMH is low, then Dr. S does not feel confident about IVF using my eggs.  We'll look at the data that we're given, and decide if my eggs would even work to perform IVF.  Either way, he strongly suggests that we undergo genetic testing (specifically a very extensive testing for all 23 chromosomes) for every single embryo extracted if we do IVF.  Dr. Super is of the opinion that if my AMH is good that we need to make sure that any potential miscarriages happen in the dish - not after transfer.  Again, fine with me.

So, we either do IVF with my eggs, do IVF with donor eggs, don't do IVF, don't have children at all, or adopt.  DH and I will carefully and thoughtfull cross each bridge as we come to it.  There are so many factors to consider - age, time, physical resources, financial resources, and especially emotional resources.  We BOTH need to be comfortable with whatever we decide to do.  Dr. Super is giving us a plan to start with, and depending on what we learn, we may continue with him or get additional opinions.

Bottom line is that we want a family.  We will have children, but we aren't sure exactly how this is going to happen.  This is where we have to insure our emotional resources and tread lightly before making decisions.

I have always strived to be completely open and honest in this blog.  I do admit, however, that as we continue on it makes me nervous to share too much information.  I want our lives to continue to be OUR lives and only ours.  Things we do or say or think or feel may be contrary to the opinions of others. And honestly, I could give a shit what other people think.  Everyone is entitled to their opinions in life, but unsolicited opinions or negativity from others will either make me take the blog private or end it altogether.  I really would prefer to do neither of those and continue on the course I have been on for a while now.  Just please know that this story is OURS, and while I want to share it to help others in the same situation, this story will remain ours and be shared as we see fit.  And I have spoken.

What Lies Ahead?

So . . . we're headed into uncharted territory now. 

After three years, three miscarriages, three surgeries, three doctors, lots of TI, all sorts of medications, a bajillion vials of blood, and four IUIs didn't work, we still have no baby. Add to the fact that I'm AMA, we are down to our last resort to have our own biological child.  DH's counts are awesome, my FSH is awesome, but for some reason we aren't conceiving.  IVF is our only hope now.

We have no IF coverage whatsoever.  We are both teachers.  No IF coverage + being teachers = going for broke to have a baby.  I do have some resources for financing, meds, etc. which will be the only way we can swing this without going into debt.  I understand the financial aspects of IVF, but I am now wondering what kind of time it will take & the physical toll it will take on me and my old body.  (Let's not talk about my feeble mind right now, please!)
What are we really getting into here?  Any experiences (successful or unsuccessful) that you can share are appreciated.

As a side note, adoption may become an option for us if IVF doesn't work, but at this point, adoption is not an avenue I am wanting to pursue for many reasons than I may/can/will discuss on here at a later time.

You Again?

I need to become a psychic because my prediction skillz are awesome!  She's back . . . just like I told you she'd be.  She's been knocking on the door to my uterus for a week now, so it's not like I didn't expect her.

Who is SHE you ask?   You know . . . AF, Aunt Flow, Grandma, the Visitor, my Monthly Visitor, my Menses, myCycle, my Period, the Dot, the Red River, and many other names.  My preferred name for "her" is the red-headed slut.

It's times like this I hate being a know-it-all.  IVF consult on Thursday with a doctor we can't afford.  Maybe we can at least get some educated information before figuring out the best path for us.