Because I'm Blessed

I spent last night and continue today to waver between trying to have a little hope, being realistic, crying, and being really fucking pissed off.  I told Mr. Rambler this morning that my goal for today was "to keep my attitude and mouth in check."  For those of you who know me, you know this can be quite a daunting task.

There have been times during this whole suckyass journey that I've felt completely alone.  I felt that nobody really knew what I was going through - especially my husband.  Boy has he shared the brunt of a lot of this ridiculous mess.  However, I wanted to share how wonderful my DH continues to be, and why I need to remember that.

Last night while I was shooting up (for probably no reason at all), DH came in to the bathroom and gave me a big hug. Of course, I started crying and told him that I was sorry. I feel like I'm just such a letdown since my body can't seem to help us make a baby. His response? "Don't even let ME be a reason you feel that way. We are fine and we are going to be fine."
I still feel like a big, baby-killing, non-baby making loser, but at least I have him to love me no matter what.

Down, but Not Out (Yet)

Had my appointment.  Not exactly what I'd hoped and prayed for.  I'm still sorting things out in my mind and my heart, and I have yet to talk with my DH outside of texting.  Here is the email I sent to some family members and friends this afternoon.  I'll post more once I've had some processing time.

------------
My first monitoring appointment with the IVF specialist was this morning. After racing there from work, I got back to school just a bit ago & wanted to send an update. Overall, the news is not great. We aren't out yet, but I'm not trying to get my hopes up either.
They drew blood to test my estradiol (estrogen) levels & that will be back later today. No news is good news, so I'm hoping not to hear from them about that. The ultrasound that was done is to check my ovaries for follicles that produce eggs. Unfortunately, there were only two smaller-sized follicles (ETA: 10 & 12 mm follies w/ 13.6mm lining) on my right ovary & no measurable follicles on the left. While I try not to compare myself with others, I know there are many cases of women who produce dozens of eggs in comparison to my paltry, little two.

I am disappointed to say the least. The doctor wants me to continue the rigor of the medications I am currently taking and return on Friday. If the two follicles have grown and there are even more, we will discuss how/if to proceed. If there is no further development, then IVF will not be an option for us and Todd and will need to discuss where to go from here. I don't plan on giving up hope, but I'm also planning to be realistic about it all. Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers.

Big Day #1 Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my first monitoring appointment for this IVF cycle.  I'm nervous that I'll get there and my u/s will showing nothing.  As in zero - zip - nada - no follies.  My wacky mind has even thought as far as, "What if my ovaries are gone?"  Well, I know my ovaries won't be gone, but I do have the worry that they won't be doing anything and we get cancelled.

My appointment is at 11:30 tomorrow morning.  It will be quite a race for me to leave school on time, get to Dr. Super's office on time, be seen, and race back to school to pick up my kids from lunch at 1:00.  Thankfully, I work with a supportive principal (who asks that I not share many details with him!) and a team of three wonderfully supportive women who are helping make this scheduling possible.

Please send any thoughts, prayers, vibes, raindances, voodoo, wishes - whatever you got - this way.  Goodness knows I need them.

Tonight's Infertility Math Problems

Problem #1:

+

=

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Problem #2:

  +

+

=

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Hoping next week's Math problems = lots of big fat follies

because that shit hurt tonight.

I'm starting to get a bit tired of this.

Thanksgiving - Infertility Style!

I just had to take a picture of this yesterday.  Only an infertile's refrigerator would have turkey, casserole dishes, drinks, and drugs --- all in one!  :)

Hope you and yours had a relaxing, food-filled day recognizing the blessings you have.  As I posted on my FB, "Life doesn't have to be perfect for one to be blessed."

Thanksgiving & a Recipe

Rather than whine about being tired, I shall blog.  Thanksgiving here in America is Thursday, and it is one of my favorite holidays.  No pressures of gift-buying and gift-wrapping and gift-giving . . . just food.  It's that one day of the year that you can eat all you want and nobody really says anything!  There is tons food (at least in our house!) and football and family and friends and wine and dessert and more food.  It's just awesome.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I thought I should share a recipe with you all.  It's not really a "recipe" though.  It's really just how DH and I randomly made a turkey one year that was, according to my mother, "the best I've ever tasted in my life."  Since that day, The Ramblers are the turkey makers and turkey bringers for Thanksgiving and Christmas every year. As a disclaimer, I don't touch raw meat unless I absolutely have to make burgers or meat loaf.  Raw poultry makes me extremely nervous.  So, I prepare everything for the bird and DH touches it.  I'd hate for him to miss out on an opportunity to help with all of the cooking.  :)

Note: No husbands or dogs were injured in the prepping of the bird.

The Rambler's Thanksgiving Turkey Butter Compote & Prep

This prep can be done a day or two before you have to actually cook your Thanksgiving turkey.  However, once you begin, there is an ABSOLUTE MUST before you start cooking . . .

Pour yourself a glass of wine.  Keep the bottle on the counter because (1) you know you're going to want more and (2) because I'm not drinking while stimming and someone has to have some fun around here!

1. Wash off your bird.  If it is so fresh that it has feathers, get thyself to the local WaMartz for a frozen guy.  (thaw it out in cold water for . . . forever . . . til it's thawed)
2. Using your food processor (or masher if you don't have a processor), dump in the following:  a couple of sticks of butter, some leaves stripped off a couple of rosemary stalks, some fresh ground black pepper (NO SALT - dries the bird), and a couple of fresh garlic gloves
3. Kick your food processor into high gear and slowly stream in a little bit of olive oil.  Scrape the sides as needed and make it do its thing until you have a smooth consistency (not runny - ew).
4. Underneath and inside the hollowed out bird DH prepped for you, throw in chopped celery stalks, large chunks of onion (I usually chop them into fourths), and some random garlic cloves.  (Have you refilled your wine glass already? Go ahead honey, it's 5:00 somewhere in the world!)



Help!  I'm working in the kitchen!!

5. Force Bribe Make Barter Threaten Beg Ask your DH to get his ass off the couch   back off from that damn computer    do something in the kitchen besides watch me kill myself here lift the skin of the bird up and SLATHER it with the butter compote you made.  Give him a kiss   Tell him what a big man he is   Offer him sex later Thank him by turning on the water at the sink and squirting some soap in his greasy hands.  Send his lame ass back to whatever he was doing and pour a can of broth or stock into the bottom of your roasting pan.  (Get some more wine because the whine you just heard from DH having to do something to help with this monsterass dinner you're making didn't do the trick for ya.)
6. Cover that bird up with some foil.  Just tent the pan by crimping foil along pan edges but allow some space somewhere for steam to escape.  You don't want steamed turkey for dinner.  Follow the cooking directions on the package.  If you get stuck, go to http://www.butterball.com/.  Please don't ask me because you'll be drunk by now & I don't like drunk people unless I'm drunk too.
7. Baste the bird with the squirty thing every now & then (at least each hour after the first couple of hours.  Kick back and enjoy some wine while your bird roasts itself in the oven
8. Remove foil for the last hour or so or until the outside of the bird is nicely browned (not black).
9. Let it rest for a bit before carving, so the juices redistribute throughout the meat.  Enjoy your dinner with a nice glass of wine.  Yes, you'll have to open another bottle since your lit up ass already finished off the first one!

Oh yeah, DHs are good for carving too!

And before you get too excited, please note that these photos are from Thanksgivings past.  DH will still help with the bird because he knows there will be no turkey if he doesn't.

I hope you all have a blessed Thanksgiving Day.  If you aren't in the States, make yourself a special day because you can and you deserve it.  I appreciate the love and support that you all have provided me through this crazy ride of loss and infertility.  It's my wish and prayer that I can bring you all some wonderful Christmas news.

Let the Stims Begin!

Sunday night began my E2 supps (ooey gooey fun - not) and last night I began the Gonal-F injections.  The Gonal-F is an ovarian stimulation medication which will hopefully force my ovaries to produce plenty of big, juicy, healthy, egg-filled follicles.  These follicles are what hold the eggs we'll need for retrieval.  The Ganirelix I'm taking suppresses my pituitary gland from producing FSH or LH - which are hormones that tell the body to ovulate.  We don't want my body to ovulate because eggs can't be released until they are vacuumed from my ovaries on retrieval day.

My uterus is not feeling full or heavy yet, but I'm already feeling different and definitely feeling some twinges going on down there.  Not sure if it is the Estrogen supps or the Gonal-F or the Ganirelix or the Dexamethasone or the vitamins or my other meds that are making me so tired, but I am exhausted!  The thing that sucks is that I can't sleep!  :/  So, I sleep from about 10ish to 6:45am (if I don't wake before which I have) so I can take my first shot.

Although my meds calendar seemed overwhelming, I really feel like I'm not doing enough to make this all happen.  All of the injections and pills and suppositories and all aren't really bothering me.  I truly feel like there is something dynamic and earth-shattering that I should be doing.  Guess it's really up to my body, which scares me more than the thought of me having to do something.  God knows my body is a stubborn, broken piece of crap.  Hopefully the drugs will trick it into doing what normal, non-baby killing bodies do.

I started my holiday vacation seeing a longtime friend that I met in junior high for the first time in fifteen years and lunch today with another friend.  I'm trying to rest and relax while enjoying the time we have and getting some things done.  Other than that, I'm just ready for some turkey and family and friends.  Guess I should hit the kitchen because I have a LOT of cooking to get done!

Adding to the Party

We have new meds!  For the past two weeks, I've been taking a daily oral dose of dexmethasone along with a morning injection of either Lupron (finished 11/9) or Ganirelix.  This is joined by my regular meds of PNV, folic acid, 81mg aspirin, and my bp meds.  Oh, and two E2V IM injections this week.  (Thanks, Mom!)  That is over a half-dozen meds for those of you counting, which is also equaling to one almost-full sharps container.

Tonight I add (insert dripping sarcasm) a fun & new med - the E2V vaginal suppository! Ew ew ew EW!  I've been "feminine product" free for only one day (yesterday) out of the past 22 days and continue to wish that I had stock in Kotex.  The supp is not going to hurt or be uncomfortable or anything like that, but is *IS* something going up my hoo-ha.  Yet another thing to add to the party now known as my hoo-ha.  Plus, you know what they say about what goes up . . .

Coming tomorrow to a stomach near me: STIMS!  This is a big week, people.  Gonal-F injections to stimulate the ovaries to produce follicle-filled eggs is next on the agenda.  Then, Menopur injections later this week.  Add to that all of the above meds, and we should have a fun-filled, possibly highly-emotional Thanksgiving holiday.  :)

It's all been kinda fun and games and cute to this point, but now we are getting serious.  Let's just pray that the massive amount of meds that enter my body will produce many high-quality eggs that pass the CGH genetic testing & are prepared for transfer or freeze.  Otherwise, we will have wasted a lot of money, time, energy, and emotion.

Really Missing Her

I'm a mess this morning.  I have really been missing this woman more than usual lately:

We were friends.

We were party buddies.

We were part of a long line of strong women.

  We were in love.

We were happy.

She was amazing and beautiful - all in one.

My grandmother always knew what to say - how to make me smile, make me laugh, cry through the tears, and let me know that NO MATTER WHAT things would be okay.  I need her so desperately lately.  She's been in my dreams more than usual, but I just need to talk with her.  She would understand about all of the needles.  We would laugh about them.  We would make fun of them.  She would understand the fear and worry.  She would help me stay strong in the times of fear and worry.  She would continue to be my example.

But she isn't here anymore.  And I miss my Mary.

FLASH!!!

I'm not talking about . . .

. . . Flash Gordon.

Or a camera flash . . .

. . . even though this one is on my Christmas list.

Or a flash drive . . .

. . . although I have one of these, but it is pink.

And I'm definitely not talking about one of these . . .

. . . OH HELL NO!!!!

It was more like this . . .

Yep --- that's more like it.  Wow.  Holy bejeebus. 
Let the hot flashes begin!