I Can Feel It

But I only feel it slipping away.
You know what it is.
You might have it.
You might not.
You might have lost it.
You might have found it again.
I've had it for a while.
A long while, in fact.
But now I feel it slipping away.
And it hurts.
I've held tight to it for so long.
Even when it's been ripped from me.
Ripped from me time and time again.
I've always found more to hold.
I've always fought hard to keep just a little of it.
But now . . .
I'm having a hard time finding it.
I just don't feel it right now like I have before.
Even in the dark times.
My grip has weakened.
It's slipping away.
So far away that I don't know if I can find it again.

It's that thing called hope.
It's slipping away quickly.
And I don't know if I can get it back.

HSG: No news is good news, but . . .

. . . not good news is simply not good news. It's not BAD news, just not good.

Disclaimer: If your eyes, ears, heart, mind, or whatever is highly sensitive or offended by cursing . . . sorry. I'm not happy and I'm tired of filtering when I write. I can just hope that you and God forgive me. Oh, and this is probably going to be long and rambly.

I just got back from my HSG. About the HSG - not too bad. Cramping? Oh hell yeah. You know exactly when that dye goes in. Geez. Dr. Gloom & Doom, who actually showed a some personality today, gathered 'round the video screen pointing and chatting about my ute with the radiologist. I hear hhmmmm, blahblahblah, etc. At that point, I'm trying not to cry. Either way, it can't be stellar news. Plus, I'm still cramping. There was no glittering of what should be my diamond-encrusted uterus. None at all. Piece of crap ute. I've spent all this damn money and it's still a piece of shit.

They snap a few pics and Dr. G&D comes over to me. He tells me that my left tube is completely closed. When the fuck did that happen? It was just fine in April when my OB/gyn, Dr. Terrific, did my lap surgery which included chromotubation. Everything was wide open & in working order. Well shit. Yeah I know you can get pg with one tube, but really, isn't two better? God gave me two, so I should be able to use them.

I'm thinking, okay - this is survivable. Take that one tube and run with it. Then Dr. G&D opens his mouth again, telling me the shots taken show something abnormal. He believes my uterus is either septate or bicornuate. He's leaning more towards the latter of the two. Delightful! I have a dead tube and a fucked up uterus. And why the hell has nobody ever figured that out? I've had multiple OB/gyns partying in my hooha and nobody figured out anything? What else???

An MRI - that's what else! We tried to schedule it for today, but they were booked. Then I thought, "What the hell, what about a mammogram while I'm here?" They were booked as well. Maybe I should've scheduled some kind of plastic surgery for the afternoon to make me feel better instead.

I held it together until I got into my car and headed home. That's when I lost it. I've been so good at keeping it all together lately and needed the release. I'm frustrated as hell. This is not fair. I don't deserve this. DH doesn't deserve this. What am I supposed to be learning from all of this? Why does this have to be so difficult? I just want a baby. You know - a baby - just like all crackwhores, teenagers, prostitutes, crazyass, and loser women have all the time.

The MRI is tomorrow. We'll get more definitive answers then. From there, almost definitely resection surgery. That needs to happen in the next two weeks. Go, Speed Racer. Drive your fucking ass to the finish line and give me your baby. I digress . . . They offered me Xanax to take prior to the MRI tomorrow, and I declined. Since DH wants to go with me (He said, "You've been through enough already."), I'm calling them and telling them to get the drugs ready. And keep 'em coming. Between Xanax, DH, my iPod, and Josh Groban up high, I should be fine. I've had an MRI before and I'm not claustrophobic, but I don't want to suddenly become that way tomorrow. Plus, I've never had Xanax and it might be good for me to try it out. :)

Jesus, I'm so fucking tired of having all of my shit be wrong and need fixing. I swear to God right now that I'll officially snap if anyone tells me that "Gosh, at least you can get it fixed," or "Thankfully it'll be okay," or "At least you got answers, " or "You should be happy you know why you m/c," or "Don't worry, I'm sure things will be fine," or any of the other shit-you-shouldn't-dare-say-or-are-supposed-to-say-to-RPL-and-IF-women.

I am in love with my amazing husband, and I just want to have a baby with him. That's all. I just don't know how much more we're going to have to endure before that happens. I just don't more how much I can take physically, emotionally, and financially.

For now, I shall drink lots of wine. The next procedure I require will be to resuscitate my liver. Unless that Xanax is nice . . . then there's no telling what might happen.

DH - Funny or Not?

As I'm leaving for work this morning, I kiss my wonderful husband tell him goodbye. Walking down the hall, I hear from behind me, "Good luck getting your hooha dyed!"

So my question . . . DH - Funny or Not? I say funny, but he shouldn't quit his day job! :)

Note: His statement tempted me to dye some other things down there just to confused him. I'm simply not up to that though.

Getting Plans In Motion!

Remember Plan #5,457,356,068 - or something like that? Well, tomorrow that plan will begin rolling!

My HSG is tomorrow at 2pm CST. Hopefully there will be NO uterine septum. If there is, then I'll have surgery sometime in the next two weeks (before the year is over). We'll then discuss option for this cycle. As previously mentioned, Dr. Gloom & Doom (RE) wants me to begin injection therapy using Follistim.

Please also pray that donated Follistim can be found, as these two poor teachers can't afford over $1000 on a wing & a prayer. Even if it wasn't on a wing & a prayer, we just don't have that kind of money right now. I'm not at all worried about the procedure itself, but I ask for your prayers and good thoughts that everything goes well.

My recovery should be easy since DH's work Xmas party is tomorrow night - and there will be wine. :)

Ramblings Heard Around the World

Today Fertile Ramblings has welcome visitors from at least 10 countries! I'd love to "meet" all of you. Think of the great happy hours & dinner conversations we could have! No need to lurk . . . leave a comment and say hello!

Supporting Our Local Hospitals

My family has been working extra-hard to make sure that, with this flailing economy, our local hospitals remain up and running. Our giving has exceeded $400,000 just this year! Aren't we so helpful??!!!

Won't you continue the tradition my family has begun by also supporting your local hospital? How have we done it, you ask? Well (gosh), here's how:

* My IF - including 2 HSCs, massive bloodwork, SHG, u/s, and more! (just read this blog)

* My Mom - bypass surgery, including an atrial valve repair, over 7 days in ICU, another week in IMC, and all of the testing before, during, & after her actual procedure.

* My Niece - almost losing her hand in an accident (Whitney vs. the window), ambulance service, emergency surgery, hospitalization, rehabilitation

* My Grandmother - mutiple hospitalizations, cancer treatment including the cost of hospice, morphine & other fine drugs

* My Stepdad - presently in the ICU with heart and kidney failure. Day 4 of ??? days completed today.

* Even My Dog - surgery to remove a large tumor from his chest

However, there are easier & less painful ways to support your local hospitals. I highly recommend that you
$$ JUST SEND CASH $$.

Surviving

Friday, December 5th was the 2nd year I've had to celebrate the EDD of my first loss. Thankfully, I've been through two other EDDs so far and I knew what to do. It just feels weird and makes me sad that we should have a 1 year old in the house, and we aren't even pregnant now. :(

My HSG is Friday. We'll see what happens from here. I'm not holding my breath.

Happy Baby, Antigone!

Welcome!!! Today is Antigone Lost's Virtual Baby Shower!

This is one of the best virtual showers to which I have ever been invited. (Okay, it's really my first.) My dear blogernet friend, Antigone, has been through her share of heartache in the past almost two years. Antigone is a true survivor as is her soon-to-be-born baby boy Perseus. Now it is finally a time for celebration!

Please, get comfortable and have some cake. I've never made a virtual baby shower cake before, so I hope this will do. In fact I tried to make Perseus a Dallas Cowboys cake, but my mad cake-makin' skillz left a little to be desired.



Now it's time for PRESENTS!!!! I couldn't get all of them in the shot, but there are plenty! Can someone grab a trash bag for all this paper? And who is writing down the list of gifts? I can, but I usually forget to record some due to the ooohing and aaahing I do.

Here's mine. Open it - open it!

I know it's not much, but when I buy gifts, I buy my favorites. These wonderful bathtime goodies will help Perseus get clean and relaxed before bedtime. Plus he will smell sssooooo good. We all know there's nothing better than sweet-smelling baby! (Everyone with me - ssnnnniiiiiiiiifffffffffffffffff. Aaaahhh!) They should be arriving on your doorstep any day now.

Oh there's something else. It's for your next trip to Dallas!

And of course, I brought some virtual gifts for Sothis. He'll need some new toys so Perseus doesn't have to share. (These are actually from my Mackey, Pippin & Steve.)

Antigone my friend, I wish you all of the love, joy, and happiness that your baby boy can possibly bring. He will be blessed by a mother full of strength, intelligence, depth, and heart. You probably think of yourself as the blessed one, but I think Perseus will be the one who is blessed. Just as we have all been blessed by you.

What a wonderful time I've had at my first virtual baby shower. Everything has been so wonderful! Thank you to Yummy Sushi Pajamas and Missing One for inviting me. I hope that we can all gather again for another baby shower very soon.

When I Said She's ALMOST Here

I guess I meant it.

After a hydrocodone night after my last post, I expected AF to hit with a vengeance the next morning. Well, that hasn't happened. I am spotting, but no BRB yet. I can't schedule my HSG until then. Such a pain. Such a BIG HUGE pain. Frustration abound.

On another note, Friday will be an fun day here on Fertile Ramblings, so check back then!

She's almost baaaaccckkkkkkk

AF that is. According to the qtip test I did tonight (after piac just in case I needed to poas), she'll be here tomorrow or so. Today is CD31, so she's late to her own party. My skin has actually cleared up a bit, and I don't know why. (My skin is a freaking hormonal disaster as it is.) I also needed chocolate earlier - a definite sign. How else do I know that nasty red-headed slut is showing up soon?

CRAMPS.
Death-style cramps.
I'm talking holyhell cramps, people.

There has to be someone or something inside of me that is trying to split my pelvis in half, twist my uterus, tubes & ovaries in some kind of a roller-coasterish disaster, and just plain kill me. They're the kind of cramps that you have in the beginning of a miscarriage. Where are my pain pills, by the way?

So as soon as her ugly head rears in the next 24-48 hours, I'll call Dr. G&D to schedule my HSG. Won't that be fun?

Then I'll likely start injectibles (if I can get my hands on some donated Follistim) with the potential to become a hormonal, freaking disaster.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas . . .