Calling All . . .

. . . phantom symptoms! Come forward & show your bad selves!

You know how we aren't trying but not trying not to get KU? Don't worry - no BFP here. I'm just paranoid now.

1. I have a sunburn on my chest and I keep thinking my boobs are itching. So, I scratch them. Maybe I should grab them. Did that hurt? I'm not sure. Scratch again.
2. I've had pm heartburn for three days now. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm eating like crap. I take Tums like the pg person I'm not.
3. Was that a twinge I felt? Or was it my fat ass trying to get out of the car?! Or both?
4. I'm thirsty. Drink some water. Gotta pee! Repeat.
5. My friend's dinner last night smelled gross. Was it the 2 margaritas I practically slammed, the heat, the big bowl of salsa I ate, or just the fact that it was shrimp & broccoli?
6. I'm so tired. Would it have to do anything with the fact that my sunburn isn't helping me sleep? Maybe it's because summer vacation is oh, so close, and I want this year to end.
7. I better go to the bathroom again. Is that EWCM I see? Have I even O'd?

This is going to be a lloooonnnngggg 2ww for this girl who's not charting and not trying to get pg. Uh huh. Think I'll call my OB just to make sure I have a standing Rx for that Lovenox just in case. I know I'm a freak, but at least I can admit it. :)

To Try or Not to Try

Are we TTC? Yeah . . . we definitely aren't not trying.

However, I'm not temping or really charting. What a waste of FF $! That's okay though. I'm enjoying the lack of stress from temping, remembering my temp, recording my temp, checking CM, remembering CM, recording CM, checking symptoms, remembering symptoms, recording symptoms. Get the pattern? I'm stressed just reading it.

Do I know when I'll O? Nope. Have I? Maybe - I dunno. Will I get pregnant? Maybe. Maybe even probably. Will I stay pregnant? God only knows that one. (I wish he'd tell me though.)

We're just trying to enjoy the "process." :) If we don't get a BFP this month, I'll probably temp and chart and all that next month. But until then . . . . . .

Here come the bills!

Oh geez. The bills from my surgery are starting to roll in.

Anesthesia - almost $500.
Doctor - about $800.
Hospital - $7856!

Uh - where's my insurance company here? My money tree died last year. I'm really looking forward to calling United Healthcare and asking them when they plan to pay their portion my bills. Insurance companies are always so helpful and willing to be proactive. /sarcasm

So, what did the RE say?

Several people know that I went to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) a few weeks ago. I haven't said much/anything about my appointment because it felt like a blow to me. Dealing with the fact that I'm a habitual aborter has been difficult enough, but I didn't necessarily consider myself infertile. Maybe I'm both I guess. Either way Dr. Thurston, my OB/gyn, told me I could go see the RE if I wanted. I figured why not.

Everyone at Dr. Goldstein's (the RE) office was very nice. He had already gone over my records and party pics (surgery pics) and I gave him my pages of charting from the past many months. We discussed things, reviewed my detailed history, looked at possibilities for the future, and then did an u/s. At my age, I am considered AMA - advanced maternal age - or as my OB/gyn says - OLD. (Dr. T thinks he's a comedian!) My egg reserve and egg quality are questionable and depleting. The u/s didn't show much because I had already ovulated which I already knew since (thankfully) my body is like freaking clockwork. I ovulate between CD14 & 16 every cycle. I guess that's one thing my body does right. I digress . . .

Dr. G's recommendations were to go in for CD3 bloodwork to include FSH, glucose, karotyping, and some other stuff I didn't pay close attention to as they wrote up the orders. It is also recommended that I go in for a CD10 HSG and u/s to check my follicles. Todd will also go in for some blood work as well. Dr. G also recommended that after we get the results of all of this poking & prodding, we do IUI (medicated) or IVF, to the tune of anywhere from $2500 - $15,000 a pop.

STOP THE CAR. We're teachers, not money tree farmers. Yes, we desperately want a family, but crap that's a whole lotta money. And yes,, I may be insane (I know some of you are dying to verify that I am!), but I want to try one more time on our own with out any kind of intervention. Todd agrees. We know we can GET pregnant. It's the staying pregnant that we haven't mastered yet. What we don't know are the results that came from my recent surgery and how daily injections of blood thinning medications (an Rx I already have on file) might help us sustain a pregnancy.

When Todd and I talked the other night, I told him that there is a high probability that we would lose this next pregnancy. But (unfortunately), we've been through three previous losses and know how to do that. (first two losses, third loss) Even with the odds stacked against us, we want to take the chance before we move forward with the RE's plan. Granted, playing the odds in Vegas is more fun than this. Hopefully we'll fare better than we did in Vegas last year!

We know there are no guarantees. We've already learned that! Our plan is to move forward on our own with hopes and prayers of a successful pregnancy. So here we go - waiting to O, waiting for a BFP, stabbing myself with needles daily, continuing the daily pills I take, praying, constant checking of toilet paper, hoping to hurl on a constant basis (m/s!), praying some more, lots of u/s, seeing a strong heartbeat, checking toilet paper again, and then praying some more.

If our plan fails, it'll still suck like all the others, but then we have a back up. We'll just have to see what happens . . . buckle up tight and hold on for the ride. Here we go again. (Was that my heart dropping that you just heard????)

Blogroll is Here

I think I got all of the blog links transferred from my other blog. Please check to see if yours is there and working. Let me know if I need to add, delete or fix anything!

New Look

My first attempt at making my blog a pretty place to ramble. It's not perfect, but I don't care. I've learned that nothing is perfect anyway!

Progress? Maybe.

I watched one episode of "A Baby Story" and two episodes of "Bringing Home Baby" yesterday. I didn't cry, didn't think mean thoughts to the happy parents, or anything. Is that progress? Maybe. I haven't watched any baby-related shows for over a year now. Perhaps it's just the little things added up that equal progress.

More to Come

I'll be adding lots of links to my blog roll. Just be patient because I think it may take forever to get them all from my other blog.

::tapping fingers for magical transfer::

Polly's Poem

This poem was written by a fellow Nestie for the ladies on the TTCAL (Trying to Conceive After a Loss) board. I think her words would work for anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss and given support by others. Thanks polllykinz!

It’s hard to put into words
The special bond we share
A pain that’s only understood
By those who have been there.
So long we’ve hoped, and prayed and dreamed
Of a baby of our own,
But since we got that amazing news
No greater pain have we known.
Most people never struggle
To start their families,
But for some of us the road is hard
And paved with difficulties.
There really are no answers,
And there is no guarantee,
But you’re always there to pick me up
When it seems an impossibility.
We give each other strength and hope
When that’s all we have to give,
And remind each other of all the things
For which we have yet to live.
So thank you ladies, each of you,
From the bottom of my heart,
And may we all soon know the joy
Of a new life about to start.

6x6

Here is my 6x6, as posted by Glow in the Woods.

1. In a word, how would you characterize yourself before your loss, and then after? Before: Naive, After: Faithless

2. How do you feel around pregnant women? Jealous, forgotten, envious, uncomfortable, angry, resentful, curious, left behind

3. How do you answer the 'how many children' question? Not yet. Then I quickly change the topic.

4. How did you explain what happened to your lost baby to your living children? Or, if this was your first pregnancy, will you tell future children about your first? I will tell my children about my losses when they are old enough to understand.

5. What would another pregnancy mean to you, and how would you get through it—or are you done with babymaking? Another pregnancy will happen since that doesn't appear to be my issue. A successful pregnancy for me . . . well, see my previous entry.

6. Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say? After my first loss - This is not the end for you. I know it feels like it, and it will be getting worse, but you WILL survive. God has a plan for you, but it's going to take a good while for it to manifest itself.

Who am I?

I'm a woman who always dreamed of becoming a mother. Since I'm AMA (advanced maternal age), I thought I would have a difficult time getting pregnant. I can easily get pregnant; I just can't stay pregnant.

Having three miscarriages has been the most devastating and unexplainable thing that has ever happened to me. Miscarriage never entered my mind until it entered my life. My soul has been altered. My losses have changed who I am, and I will never be the same. There will always be a part of my heart that is held by my loss. Some days (many days) I miss my old self.

My struggles have not only affected who I am and what I am. It has affected my marriage, my friendships, my work, my faith, my attitude and my overall psyche. No, I will never get over it, but I am getting through it. I don't know how I'm getting through it, but I know why - because I have to.

Until the day comes that my husband hands our baby to me and I hold it in my arms, I will not be complete. I wonder what else will be lost until that day. However, when that day comes, I pray that all of this will finally make a little bit of sense.

New Blog

I decided to start this blog so I can keep my ramblings about trying to have a baby in one place. I may try to copy such entries from my other blog here. Lord knows I'd hate to have such topics intermingled with real life.

Be prepared: talk of female parts, bitter attitudes, and open mouth/type in blog is surely to come. Stay away and/or shut your trap if you can't handle it.