MIA

I know I've been MIA for a while now. Things have been busy and tough, and honestly, I'm the kind of person that just gets quiet & holes up when things aren't going well. In those time, I just don't have the energy to give to anyone or anything that isn't a top priority of life.

School has been a killer this month. New students, severe behavioral issues, additional meetings, extra paperwork, lots of documentation and reports, parenting concerns, grades, lots of parent conferences, tutoring during and after school, and the stress of upcoming testing is making things extra rough. This past two weeks of work have probably been the worst I've seen in a while. Twelve hour days are the norm this time of year. I haven't felt well on top of that, so sleep is a precious commodity that even surpasses food and quality time with DH right now. When I walked in the door after 7:00pm last Friday night, DH just looked at me and I said, "When I grow up, I want to be a secretary." I'm just praying for the end of April, so I can (hopefully) enjoy the downhill slide of the end of the year.

We did another IUI on January 11th, and things looked perfect. I took Femara again, did acupuncture, quit drinking caffeine, drank little to no wine, had "perfect" lining, good follicular development, had the trigger shot, DH's numbers were "perfect", and the IUI itself was perfect. Why would things not go perfectly well and we get pg?! I felt hopeful for the first time in a long time, and had such a positive feeling and attitude along the way. There were dreams of pregnancy and babies. I developed several symptoms and swore that I had to be pg.

Then AF showed. Right on time. I was devastated. Again. DH was sweet about it, and loved and hugged on me while I cried. Of course, the dog barfed up a silicone baking mat that he'd eaten right about then so life continued. :) No rest for the weary, huh?

Nobody knew that we did the IUI except for my work team and about five or six friends of mine that have recently gone through - or are right now going through - the journey of PL/IF. They have been a huge support for me along the way, after my crushing defeat, and moving ahead.

I have an appt. with Dr. Terrific on Wednesday and plan on skipping out on a staff meeting that day to go. We don't know where we'll go from here, but it will still be in the direction of a baby.

Another Dream

I had another baby-related dream Tuesday night, and it felt so real. It's stuck with me, and I keep reliving it in my head.

In the dream, I had just given birth to a beautiful little girl. She was swaddled in a blanket and handed to me. I was crying tears of joy & amazement. I never saw her face in the dream, but she had such a pretty, round, & tiny little head. I kissed her on the top of that gorgeous head and said out loud, "For this child I have prayed." Then I woke up.

It happened and was over that quickly. Every time I think of it now (I can still see her beautiful head), I tear up or cry. It was that real of a dream, and now I want my precious little girl.

BFP Dream

Last night I had a dream that I got a BFP. It must have been a futuristic dream because you could scroll through the window of the digital hpt for all sorts of information! I remember seeing computer like info (including musical notes and my camera settings) on the window of the stick.

Hope it doesn't mean I'll have a BFP in the year 2110 or something. That would suck because I'd be dead.

Oh, to Not Know

"Oh . . . I can give you a couple of tips on how to get pregnant." Yep, that's what I heard last night. Granted it was from someone who didn't know me . . . didn't know us . . . didn't know our situation . . . and didn't know a thing about IF. Crazy enough, it didn't rub me the wrong way like it could/would/should have.

"Oh . . . if it were just that easy." That's the only response I had. She quickly figured out that it was already past time to STFU. She then asked if we had seen a doctor, were taking meds, going through stuff.

I'm okay if people ask questions. I'm not really forthcoming in providing unsolicited details about the fact that my uterus used to kill babies before I couldn't get pg anymore. Providing details that answered questions without making anyone uncomfortable, I went through the typical explanation that covers what anyone who doesn't know needs to know.

And that was that. It wasn't too bad for either of us - especially me.

Q&A: For the Sake of a Blog Post

Simply because I need to update this blog, and simply because I am busy and have "blogger's block" . . . ask the Rambler. You can ask me anything you like about anything you like. Your questions will give me something to write. Thanks in advance for your assistance.

ANNNNDDDDD -- GO!

Meet My Goddaughter

I've wanted/needed to post this for a couple of months, but I had to wait for the right time. The most important thing is that I'M A GODMOTHER to a beautiful little girl! I would like for you to meet my precious little Goddaughter, Payton Elizabeth. She was born on November 9, 2009. This photo is of Payton and I on the day of her church dedication on November 22, 2009. We immediately fell in love.

Payton is the daughter of my awesome friends Sarah & Jamie. You can hear more about the awesome story of them becoming a family on Sarah & Jamie's blog. I'm sure you'll get to see more cutie-pie photos while you're there, too.

This photo of Miss P, her Mommy Sarah, and I was taken under the lovely, glistening harsh and unforgiving lights of the church. I promise my hair is blonde, not orange. It is also not a lie that I am taller than Sarah and I'm fat.

Look at that cute girl!!!! (That Mommy is a cutie too!) After her dedication before the church, I held Payton through the entire church service. We were able to learn more about Jesus and sing songs. It was awesome.

It's difficult for me to put into words, but I am so thankful that Sarah and Jamie were led to ask me to be Payton's Godmother. It is a role that I take very seriously. There are many opportunities in the years ahead to help Sarah and Jamie shape their precious girl into a loving, beautiful, kind-hearted woman of God. I just hope that I can fulfill my role well.

Impossible is Not a Word

"Impossible is not a word. It's just a reason for people not to try."

I'm sure many of you will read this post and wonder under what rock I've been hiding. In all honesty, I've strayed from listening to Christian music like I once did. I mainly listen to music while in the car, and since Christian music often evokes such emotion in me that I can quickly become a disaster in merely a short trip to the store, I don't listen to it as I did before this journey began.

Today I heard the song "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless for the first time. This song perfectly describes how I've held on to hope for almost three years. So many of these words have been in my heart and gone through my head without my ability to verbalize them properly, and to hear them on the radio today just floored me.




The lyrics -- every. single. word. -- from this song helps it all make some sense now. When people ask me how keep going, why I don't just stop, and ask how I DO it, I now have an answer.

As the lyrics say:

"Even if you fall sometimes, you will have the strength to rise." I have no choice but to survive. I have to keep fighting until I can't anymore.

"Miracles just happen; silent prayers get answered; broken hearts become brand new." That can become me. Us. Our family. Our prayers can be answered.

My hope is in my faith . . . I know that I am always "scared to death . . . to take that step", but I have to because I know that "it'll be all right." God makes sure of that.

"Life is so much more than what you're eyes are seeing but you will find your way if you keep believing." I have to keep believing there is more. I have to. I just feel that there is, there has to be, and I hope to show you that someday.

Prayers for Kelsey - Surgery

Baby Kelsey needs your fervent prayers again. She is having open heart surgery tomorrow. Her parents are understandably scared. And I'm scared for them. All the prayers you can spare need to be heard right now!

Happy 2010!

It wasn't even 11:00pm yet, but ya know, we got some work to do this coming year!




Thanks for being there for me in 2009. I wish you all of the dreams you can imagine and blessings you can handle in 2010.