It's Like a Tug of War

I have all sorts of thoughts in my mind and feelings in my heart.  However, I'm having a difficult time sorting through them all and expressing them.  I think I'm just REALLY VERY EXTREMELY tired.  Infertility has worn my ass out.

In one way, I want to quit.  End the game.  Say never mind.  On the other hand, I want to fight like a warrior to have a baby.  Desire vs. Stamina.  The desire is still there, but the stamina is almost gone.

In the past few days, I went to an IVF seminar and met again with Dr. T.  The plan w/ Dr. T right now is Femara/hcg trigger/IUI.  We have an IVF consult later next month.  The conflict comes from the fact there really isn't any money left to pay for any of it.

I just really don't know what to do or what will happen from here.  The only thing I know is that I still want us to have a family.  That will never go away.  I also know that I'm physically and emotionally tired and still trying to pray.  There is always the constant tug of war between my heart, my body, and my wallet. 

Wondering which will win?  So am I.

Three Years

Three years ago today was my first BFP.  I had been "feeling funny", so I thought I might as well test.  DH was on the phone with his brother dealing with family business, so after a late night at work, I ran to get some HPTs.  I called my sister because I didn't even know what kind to buy.
When I returned home from the store, DH was still on the phone.  I waited for him to hang up, but after an hour, I decided to poas.  Using a CBE digital, I went for it not really knowing what to expect.  Lo and behold, it said pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  Only ten days after returning from our honeymoon, we were expecting.

I went to tell DH, and he was STILL on the phone.  I sat on our bed in shock just waiting for him.  After what seemed like years, he finally came in to our room and asked, "How was your day?" 

I told him very simply that my day was "pretty good until I got . . . (cue bawling) . . . huh-huh-hhoooommmmmme."  Looking at me in utter confusion, DH just stood there. 

I then blurted out, "I'm pregnant!"  He came and hugged his crying wife and told me it was good.

"Isn't this what you wanted?" he asked.

"Yes," I continued to cry, "but I'm scared!"

Little did I know how scared I really need to be.

Addiction or Insanity?

I decided - for some reason - that it would be a great idea for me to poas this morning.  Why would I not?  We're on a break cycle, so naturally my infertile self would get pregnant, right?
It's getting close to the day that the nice, big men with the pretty, 3-armed, white jacket come to get me.  Wonder if they carry it in red?  It's just a bit bland and strappy-looking for my fat body type.

Today

Three years ago, we became husband and wife. What an incredible day March 10, 2007 was, and what a helluva ride it's been since then. It's been fun, amazing, and really really really damn hard. I can't imagine that ride being with anyone else, though. And just imagine how amazing it will have been when we look back someday and think, "WOW. Look at us before we had all these children!"

Photo credit of Melissa Goldberg Photography.

Just Hanging Out & Rambling

No TTC news . . . haven't even called Dr. Terrific. We have to decide where to go from here, I guess. Instead of talking about all of that, I shall ramble. That's just what I do.

I turned 42 (yes, forty-two-freaking-years-old) on Friday. I never dreamed I'd be 42 and childless. Never.

I added some page tabs at the top of the blog under the header. Whaddya think? It's nothing fancy, just a new feature from blogger I used because I'm bored.

The Ramblers are still working on improving our marriage. Marriage is hard. Marriage that starts off with a pregnancy and loss in the first month, followed by three years of IF, is harder. We'll get there because we love each other, but it's hard.

I lost my voice for four days last week. It was crazy and drove me nuts. I'm sure DH and my students loved it. The voice finally came back, and I continue to practice using it.

We are both stressed out with work and ready for Spring Break. I'm really ready for summer, but I'll take Spring Break for now.

I don't give a crap about the Oscars. We've only seen a couple of the movie contenders so far. Up in the Air and The Hurt Locker were both good, but that's all we've seen. I want to see Valentine's Day. Looks like a good chick flick. My sister said she'd go see it again with me.

Our third wedding anniversary is Wednesday, March 10. Mr. Rambler has class that night, so I'm going to dinner with my BFF and matron of honor. It's a long story, but we haven't seen one another since March 10, 2007. Yes, since the day Mr. Rambler and I were married. I'm looking forward to seeing her. DH and I will celebrate by making steaks at home and just being together the following weekend.

There are lots of pg people out there. I'm not one of them. You know that babies are always in the back of the mind of an infertile - whether she admits it or not.

I'm ready for spring. Drinks on the patio, cooking out on the grill, the tulip and daffodil bulbs DH got me for Xmas and planted begin to sprout and bloom, and the grass turns green. Of course, that also equals allergies, but so be it.

Well, it's noon and Mr. Rambler, Steve the dog, Mindy the cat, and I are still hanging out in bed. I'm going to avoid going to the grocery store at all costs today. Hope you all are well.

Love, Rambler