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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It's Like a Tug of War

I have all sorts of thoughts in my mind and feelings in my heart.  However, I'm having a difficult time sorting through them all and expressing them.  I think I'm just REALLY VERY EXTREMELY tired.  Infertility has worn my ass out.

In one way, I want to quit.  End the game.  Say never mind.  On the other hand, I want to fight like a warrior to have a baby.  Desire vs. Stamina.  The desire is still there, but the stamina is almost gone.

In the past few days, I went to an IVF seminar and met again with Dr. T.  The plan w/ Dr. T right now is Femara/hcg trigger/IUI.  We have an IVF consult later next month.  The conflict comes from the fact there really isn't any money left to pay for any of it.

I just really don't know what to do or what will happen from here.  The only thing I know is that I still want us to have a family.  That will never go away.  I also know that I'm physically and emotionally tired and still trying to pray.  There is always the constant tug of war between my heart, my body, and my wallet. 

Wondering which will win?  So am I.


NoVaIrish said...

Sometimes all we can do in the end is pray and have faith that God is going to lead us through it. ((big hugs))

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog and so sorry to hear of your losses. It is so very hard to experience the elation of a bfp only for it to result in heartache. It's also no fun when you have to factor money into it. Hang in there hon. Just try and take it one day at a time (so much easier said than done I know) and give yourself some much needed time/relaxation from the stress and heartbreak of it all.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

I will pull on whichever end of the rope you chose. Even if that flip-flops daily.

Hugs & Love!

P.S. Your word verification says "tryer". Hmmmm.....

A said...

I will be praying for you. I'm coming into a rough time ahead, too, I think... we are in this together!

Janna said...

Praying for you, friend!! I know the decisions aren't easy to make, and it's even harder to hold onto hope. Hoping and praying you find some peace through the process and that money comes from the unlikliest places.

Shannon said...

I want you to know that I am always praying for you. I know I say this in almost every comment, but its true. I don't have an answer for you and it kills me that you are still in the hells of IF but I want you to know Im here. And I refuse to give up hope for you!

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