An Amazing Quote

I know it's been forever since I posted,  Things have been tough around here for us, so I've been trying to pick up the pieces and get things done.  Nothing on the infertility front other than my surgery is scheduled.  Promise to catch you all up soon.

Meanwhile, my friend Sarah shared this on FB today, and I had to share it with you: 

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness.  For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" - Laura Bush

What's Up, Balloon Girl?

As I said in my previous post, the fundus of my uterus - the top part - is covered in adhesions (scar tissue) that cover over 25% of my uterine cavity.  When an embryo implants, it most often implants in the top, posterior (backside) of the uterus.  Because this area is scar tissue that has no blood flow, an embryo would basically "bounce" off the scar tissue and either (1) not find a good place to hang out for the next nine months, (2) find a place to implant and miscarry, or as I asked Dr. Super (3) implant somewhere, grow into what appears as a viable pregnancy and become a late m/c due to lack of blood flow or, worse, (4) implant, grow, and need to be an early delivery ending in fetal demise due to IUGR.

So . . . the scar tissue needs to go.  Dr. Super thinks it is possible for a fibroid to have regrown behind the scar tissue, but it can't be seen until the adhesions are gone.  I'm in the process of setting up everything for my exciting surgery.  Sounds like it will need to be a laparascopic hysteroscopy in which they'll remove the scar tissue and any potential fibroid behind it.  I talked with Nurse Amazing yesterday, and Dr. Terrific is on board for knifing me again doing my surgery.  School is out for both DH and I on June 4th, so I'm hoping to plan it for that next week.

What will the surgery "look" like?  Well, it sounds like the adhesions need to be "shaved down" during the surgery.  It's possible that two surgeons will need to work together to make that happen.  I'm going to discuss that with Dr. T.  I want this to be the LAST surgery I need.  I think four in three years is plenty.  Anyway. . .

After the surgery is complete, Dr. Super is recommending that I am placed  on a strong regiment of E2 in order to help the lining quickly heal and replenish itself.  Estrogen is the hormone that rebuilds your uterine lining.  The most exciting part (note: SARCASM) is that Dr. S also recommends that a balloon be placed in my uterus and inflated to keep my uterus expanded.  When raw tissue (such as the inside of my surgeried ute) touches, it adheres to itself to increase blood flow.  That's what creates the adhesions, which is why Dr. S thinks my adhesions came from one of my previous surgeries (either D&C or EHLC-Rita).  The balloon will remain inflated in my uterus for at least 3-4 days post op, and will create quite a bit of cramping.  The balloon will apparently have a tube that hangs out of me (ew ew ew!) and will be taped to my leg until I go in to have it removed.  I found a few pics online, but you can search those on your own.  I'm surely not posting them here! 
How much I have to look forward to, huh???  The things I/we have done to simply have a baby.

Hopefully my AMH results will be in soon.  Pray for normal!  So - what else do you want to know?  Just comment with your questions & I'll try to answer them.  I'm exhausted, finished rambling (for now), freaked out a bit after talking about the balloon & going to bed.  I hope I don't have balloon dreams now.

Weird Dreams

I haven't gotten a good night's sleep all week because of my crazy dreams! My dreams are always very vivid and extremely weird, and I remember lots about them. DH just rolls his eyes now if we wake up & I say, "I had a weird dream last night."  It's nothing new!  The other night, I dreamt that I was trying to pretend that I was asleep so I could overhear something. I was struggling to stay awake in my dreamwhich kept me waking up in the night. Fortunately, I'd fall back asleep, but then I'd dream it again & again.

Well, last night's dream was really weird. I was with Kate and her 8 at their house. Apparently I was going to visit for a few days because she had a room upstairs ready for me.  Kate had about 10 friends over to meet me, and we hung out chatting and sipping wine. Then when Kate & I were alone, she told me that Jon was coming back & would be there in a few minutes. In walks Jon (and boy was he tall in my dream!) and we all chatted. The kids were doing their own thing & were very well-behaved. One of Kate's friends took me on a tour of their future high school & showed me where they were building "America's wing."  They were building behind walls and new wings to the school because they'd need the space for cameras to shoot when the kids got there.  Then the friend took me into the mall because they were doing the same kind of building.

I really wanted to talk to Kate about our challenges to have a baby, but we were always to busy & I didn't find the right time.  We were in tbe kitchen for a while preparing meals or something (and they weren't organic!), then went back to the friends, took the kids outside to play, saw Jon and his guy friends hanging out in the den, and more.

For the record, I used to enjoy watching Jon & Kate + 8.  DH would walk through the living room to hear all of the screaming on the TV and mutter something to the effect (or exactly say), "This show makes me want to cut off my balls."  Once Kate's maniacal side become really, really obvious and Jon continued to hide his cojones before he start running around on her, I quit watching. Now I stay awake from that train wreck at all costs.  Except for in my freaky dreams.

With all of this dreaming action, it's no wonder I've been so tired!!

The One Thing I HAVEN'T Heard

"Here's the answer." 

I haven't heard that in this whole journey.  However, I heard it for the first time today.  Not only did I hear the answer, I saw it with my own eyes.

Today's appointment with Dr. Super becomes a long story, but I'll give some of the basics now and follow up with details later.  Hope that is acceptable to some of the nosy people readers here.  :)  You know I love the nosy ones and the readers alike!

1.  The fear and apprehension I had about today's appointment - mainly the hysteroscopy - was (as always) worse than the actual procedure itself.  Granted, a foot-long, metal pole-thing that shoots saline inside of your bum ute and takes video isn't fun, but I expected worse.  (For the record, I took photos of said scary pole thing.)

2.  The answer?  Adhesions - scar tissue - is taking over 1/4 of my uterine cavity.  The fundus of my uterus is completely blocked.  Surgery will be needed (yuck), but it has to be done.

3.  My AMH results will be back in a few days.  I hope and pray, pray, pray that it's normal.

4. If my AMH is normal, there is a strong possibility that we could actually conceive a baby on our own without ART.  Amazing, hope-inspiring, and nerve-racking.

5.  I'm totally pissed off at Dr. Gloom & Doom.  His stupid ass should have caught this.  He did the SAME EXACT procedure I had today with me under anesthesia and cost me a shitton of dollars and lots of valuable time.  There is absolutely no reason he should have missed it.  Even I noticed the scar tissue, and I'm not a licensed medical professional.  A few people have already recommended that I pursue legal action against this S.O.B., but I prefer to direct my energy elsewhere.

I'll have more details coming about the appointment itself, what I saw during the procedure, the pictures that were drawn  by Dr. Super, causes, follow up, what surgery would entail & more.

The saga continues . . .



PS: There have been several people that are IRL friends, internet friends, online/board friends, readers, and others who have sent me love and well-wishes lately. Thank you. I've been in a real reflective place about all of "this" lately & haven't responded to many of you who have reached out, but please know it hasn't gone unnoticed and that I love you and appreciate you.