Who am I?

I'm a woman who always dreamed of becoming a mother. Since I'm AMA (advanced maternal age), I thought I would have a difficult time getting pregnant. I can easily get pregnant; I just can't stay pregnant.

Having three miscarriages has been the most devastating and unexplainable thing that has ever happened to me. Miscarriage never entered my mind until it entered my life. My soul has been altered. My losses have changed who I am, and I will never be the same. There will always be a part of my heart that is held by my loss. Some days (many days) I miss my old self.

My struggles have not only affected who I am and what I am. It has affected my marriage, my friendships, my work, my faith, my attitude and my overall psyche. No, I will never get over it, but I am getting through it. I don't know how I'm getting through it, but I know why - because I have to.

Until the day comes that my husband hands our baby to me and I hold it in my arms, I will not be complete. I wonder what else will be lost until that day. However, when that day comes, I pray that all of this will finally make a little bit of sense.