Show & Tell: DUD.

Dear FRER Gods,

Your tests suck. The most recent hpt that I used was bought from your stinking company, and it was a dud. WTF is this???

See the line? Of course you do! Do you see how it goes about halfway down and then takes a 90-degree turn to the left? Seriously????? Don't give a girl TTC strange hope with a bogus test. (of course I saw the top of the line before I saw the funky part) I knew it was a little early to test - only 8dpo - but after days of killer nipples, tender breasts, evening nausea & more, I figured it was worth a pee.

I asked DH to take a look at the stick, and he said, "Uh, that's not an option." He's right. Even a non-expert knows.

I must've jinxed myself, because after two more FRERs that were whiter than my dimply, fat ass and a negative digital, I'm now very lightly spotting. Bite me stupid, broken, dud FRER.

I want my money back.
I want my hope back.
I want my dignity back.
I want my three babies back.

Who am I kidding? I just want a baby.

Check out who else is going to the front of the class this week with their Show & Tell!

Layers of Me

Here are the "Layers of Me" from Joyce. Let's see if I can do this.

LAYER ONE:
Name: Kristin
Birth date: March 5
Birthplace: Dallas, Texas
Current Location: Dallas, Texas (yeah, I get around)
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Blonde w/ gray creeping in here & there.
Height: 5′6, but people say I'm taller.
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Pisces

LAYER TWO:
Your heritage: I'm a mutt. However, from what I've heard -- Cherokee Indian, Scandanavian, maybe some English/Scottish something in there.
The shoes you wore today: My cheapy cute slip-on, tennis type shoes with dots on them.
Your weakness: Chips chips chips. Puppies & babies.
Your fears: Heights, not having children.
Your perfect pizza: pepperoni and mushroom (real mushroom, not the squeaky kind that come in can)
Goal you’d like to achieve: get pregnant/stay that way/have a baby or three, finish our wedding scrapbook

LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on AIM: I don't use AIM anymore.
Your first waking thoughts: Sleep. More sleep.
Your best physical feature: eyes?
What you miss the most: sleep

LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: Coke.
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald's
Single or group dates: I like group dates because Todd’s not a big talker and I have to carry the conversation most the time. Surprisingly, I run out of things to say! (Sounds like Joyce, Jay, Todd and I need to hang out! The guys could stare into space and we could chat!)
Adidas or Nike: Adidas
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: I don't care as long as it comes with Sweet & Low and fresh lemon.
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee: Neither. I hate coffee.

LAYER FIVE:
Smoke: nope
Cuss: More than I should.
Sing: If I want to, yes.
Take a shower everyday: I love "scary days" if I'm not leaving the house.
Do you think you’ve been in love: Yep.
Want to go to college: Not really.
Liked high school: It was okay.
Want to get married: I hope so since I am.
Believe in yourself: Sometimes.
Get motion sickness: No.
Think you’re attractive: Sometimes.
Think you’re a health freak: FAR from it!
Get along with your parent(s): Yes.
Like thunderstorms: As long as our house doesn't get struck by lightning again.
Play an instrument: I used to play the sax. I wouldn't want to hear me even try to play it now.

LAYER SIX: In the past month…
Drank Alcohol: yes
Smoked: no
Done a drug: just my prescriptions
Made out: We don't really do that.
Gone on a date: Dinner.
Gone to the mall: No. I hate malls.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: That makes me ill to think of doing it.
Eaten sushi: No.
Been on stage: Yes, the stage at school while hunting for supplies.
Been dumped: Not this month, no.
Gone skating: No.
Made homemade cookies: No, the beater blade is stuck on my KA mixer. ARGHHH.
Gone skinny dipping: No.
Dyed your hair: No, but I probably need a highlight/gray away.
Stolen anything: No.

LAYER SEVEN: Ever…
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes.
If so, was it mixed company: Of course.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes.
Been caught “doing something”: Once by a friend.
Been called a tease: I don’t think so.
Gotten beaten up: No.
Shoplifted: Yes, a mailbox sticker with a K on it from Skaggs when I was little.
Changed who you were to fit in: I'm sure I tried & failed miserably. With me, what you see is what you get.

LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married: I wanted to be married by 25.
Numbers and Names of Children: None.
Describe your Dream Wedding: Had it, but if we did it again it would be on the beach.
How do you want to die: Painlessly.
Where you want to go to college: Nowhere. I'm done.
What do you want to be when you grow up: I wanted to be a nurse but changed my mind. I really wanted to be a SAHM, but oh well to that one, too.
What country would you most like to visit: Australia & Italy.

LAYER NINE:
Number of people I could trust with my life: a few
Number of CDs that I own: Over 100 but I never listen to the actual CDs since they're loaded on my iPod.
Number of piercing: 5-all in the ears.
Number of tattoos: 2.
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: More than a few. 2nd grade when I won some contest at school, 6th grade when I won the school spelling bee, a few times in college, engagement & wedding
Number of scars on my body: Several after car wrecks and surgeries.
Number of things in my past that I regret: None really. I wish I wouldn't have quit playing the saxophone.

YOUR TURN! If you decide to play…let me know cause I wanna read your 9 layers!

No, I can't have a puppy.

Last night my amazing DH was going through his latest LL Bean catalog. Of course, he had to show me all the VERY cute little puppies in there. Every single baby puppy was so precious, and it made me miss having tiny baby dogs in our house again. So I did it. I asked DH if we could get another puppy. (Note: we already have 3 dogs.) His response was a resounding NO.

So I told him we need to have a human baby first before we get another puppy. Luckily, he agreed!

Nipples of Glass

I'm sure this is TMI, but I don't care. This is my blog, so I'll post what I want! :)

My nipples feel like shards of glass. I swear that they are going to break off if the wind blows. Just my shirt rubbing against them is a killer.

Let the phantom symptoms begin!!!!

Support to Form Infertility Support Groups!

Help bring infertility support groups to every state in the U.S.! Please nominate "Bringing Hope, Building Families" so we can be in the running to receive funding and make this project a reality.

Here's how to nominate the project:
1. Click here to learn more about "Bringing Hope, Building Families". (You will enter the Members Project site)
2. Click "Nominate this project" and log in as either an American Express Cardmember or Guest. 3. You'll automatically return to the Members Project homepage.
4. Enter Project ID: 3OAD3O or search under "Health--Education and Outreach"
5. Click "Nominate This Project"

The American Express Members Project is a chance for people to make a difference and to create positive change. The idea behind this project came from someone who believes her infertility resolution is due in part to the support she received during her journey and the support she continues to receive. Whether you are still in your family building journey or have moved on, you have the chance to help impact millions of women and men who face infertility, just by nominating this project.

Let's show the world that infertility is a disease that needs more attention, more support, and more awareness.

Thank you,
Barbara ColluraExecutive DirectorRESOLVE

P.S. Forward this message to friends and family who support you and ask for their nomination!

Two Great Quotes

I keep a collection of "Quotes for Strength" in my Palm/phone. That way they are always with me & I can refer to them when needed.


Todd and I just finished the last DVD from the HBO series The Wire. This was shared by a character named Bubbles (aka Reginald) in the last few episodes:

"Ain't no shame in holding on to grief as long as you make room for other things."


The other I heard this morning. It was from Senator Joe Biden of Delaware, who lost his first wife and their young daughter in a car accident many years ago:

"The only way you deal with those things [tragedy], I think, is you just gotta focus on what's left . . . what you have."


I think both quotes are powerful enough to make my collection and share with all of you.

Another Sucky "Anniversary"

Tomorrow (Wednesday the 20th) will be the one year date of losing our second baby. Yesterday was my first day back at school, and rather than be the beginning of a new year, it was a reminder that last year I missed the first day back because I started to lose our baby that morning. I still remember hearing two different "congratulations" on the phone that morning - the first from the on-call doctor & the second from my principal. How stupid both men sounded to me because I knew I was losing another pregnancy. Same symptoms, same timeframe, same bleeding as the first. It was inevitable.

That second loss was just as difficult as the first but so different in so many ways. Our first pg was a blighted ovum, discovered at 8w3d. Our second pg began to end at 8w1d - only three days after we saw a heartbeat. The second m/c was a natural m/c which was completely devastating for me. It was still difficult emotionally, but it was so much harder on me physically because I had (well, demanded) a D&C with our first loss.

It's been 18 months since I got off the pill & so far the only thing I have to show for it is three angel babies, acne-riddled skin, a shitload of wasted hpts, about 15 extra pounds, hours of counseling, hair that is now short but finally growing back in, the loss of a dream x3, and a waiting & unfilled space in my heart.

I still miss our three babies . . . and I hope and pray we have one in the very near future. I won't even delve into the thoughts of that not ever happening. I won't. I can't.

At a Loss for Words

If you know me personally, you'll understand how odd it is that I don't have much to say lately. I just don't have much to say about TTC anymore. I just wish I could *poof* get pg with a healthy pg. Maybe then I'd have more to share. Now it's just O, 2ww, AF, lather, rinse repeat. Such a vicious cycle.



My summer ends tomorrow morning. Come that time, my brain will officially turn to mush for the next several months! Have any questions for me/about me? Anything to share with me? I do better when my mind is prodded by others. Help me out here people . . .

Poor, Little Blog Here

Things have been very busy, crazy lately. My mom had open heart surgery on Monday, my grandmother started radiation to deal with pain from her metastasizing cancer, my MIL is not well, school is getting ready to start, and everything else that is normal in life is still happening.

I'm on CD7 or something like that. If I'm ever home or awake enough, maybe we'll make a baby this month. We'll see. Until, I'm hanging at the hospital visiting my mom when allowed & slaying other dragons that come my way. I'm posting Mom updates on my other blog if you want to check (link somewhere on here).

Audience Applause

THANKS to those who commented. Give yourselves a hand!

I have a consult w/ Dr. T (T is also for Terrific) - my OBgyn - for the 20th. Of course I will most likely have already ovulated by then, but I'm going anyway. We'll see what his plan will be. If I ask him to be aggressive, he will be. I don't care if I'm drugged out, shooting up, flashing like hot oil in a pan, and running naked through the streets. If that's what it takes for me to get pg AND have an actual baby, I'm in! As for my DH . . . probably not to that extreme. :)

Please keep the comments coming so I know you're here. My summer break is over and I'm back to the grind of school and have some family stuff coming up soon that I'll post about later. I promise I won't ignore you all, but I may be a little slack for a while.

Time for Audience Participation

I'm not pg as usual. It's been four months since our last loss & it's time. I know our timing hasn't been great & we haven't BD like we should during sex week. Dr. Gloom & Doom - aka the RE - said that time is definitely not on my side and he had some concerns for my egg quality. (This was stated without any of his testing.) However, I really want us to try and get pg without his help for a few reasons:

#1 - We can get pregnant. That's been proven a few times already.
#2 - Money isn't on our side. The dollar figures DrG&D gave us were alarming and frightening.
#3 - I want to try a pregnancy w/ Lovenox before we hit the RE up again.

So . . . now for audience participation time! I'm thinking of calling my regular OB/Gyn (who I love) and asking him if Clomid or some other medication would help increase the strength of my eggs. Go at it like rabbits this cycle, hopefully get KU, stab myself with needles full of Lovenox, and have a baby in the next ten months. Please add in the comments what you know/think or any experiences you can share.