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Friday, September 26, 2008

My Rambling Quandry

Welcome to a possible rambling-more-than-ever kinda post. I've been tossing this around in my mind for a long time, so maybe you can help. Or listen. Or try to make sense of this. Or not.

In case you can't keep up, here's a Wordle that I made for a reference key.

See. Doesn't that help? :)

Okay . . . so if/when I do get pregnant again . . . I don't want to tell anyone. Of course I really do, but I know that I shouldn't. I can't. But I want to. Should I? Would that be smart? No, it would be stupid. But there are so many factors that would come into play. But I really shouldn't tell anyone. See my quandry now?

I feel a little like the girl who cried, "WOLF!" - three times in fact. It's gotten easier for me to tell people that I've lost another baby than it is to tell people that I'm pregnant. How crazy am I?

Pros to telling:
- people to pray for us
- no questions about us being pg
- no inquiring looks or glances
- not having to explain myself if I'm barfing/revolted by smells/tired/needing to leave work/nauseous/irritable (I won't say giddy because I doubt I'll ever get to that point.)

Cons to telling:
- lots of questions
- lots of concerns
- lots of looks from others
- everyone else waiting for the shoe to drop
- people thinking I'm crazy for telling
- having to untell (again)
- getting to have a secret
- telling a big surprise if for some reason it works out
- fear of getting more sympathy cards if it doesn't
- enjoying watching people wonder if I'm just getting fatter
- people knowing the odds are not on my side (again)
- other reasons that I know I can't think of right now

I honestly don't know who all actually reads this blog. I know some of you losers readers never leave comments. I love comments, though, and honestly rarely ever meet a stranger. My point is that if I/we decide NOT to tell people, then I definitely won't post some BFP announcement on this blog. (never have posted one here actually)

Will I tell the ladies on TTCAL/SAL because I know they'll support me & understand what I've experienced? Is that fair to my family? They won't know, but strangers my PL buds will? I have a couple of close confidants/IRL friends that know more than most, but is it fair to tell them when DH and I decide to tell noone and my family doesn't know? Should I tell my team at school, so they'll understand why I'm doing what I'm doing/acting how I'm acting? Is that fair? I'd have to tell my grandmother, Mary. She is slowly dying from cancer & while she's not dying today or tomorrow, we truly don't know how long she'll be with us. I know Mary is great at telling secrets, but I wouldn't want anyone else to know. Geez. See my quandry now?

In one way I'd want to shout it from the rooftops when my time (okay my FOURTH time - helllooooo) arrives. But how stupid is that? We all know these things (i.e. pregnancies) don't work out, right?!

On another note, when are pears in season? I just ate an entire can of chilled pears, and they were really good. Yummy, cold, grainy pears. Just wondering. Although I think I prefer the canned ones to the fresh ones. The fresh ones are often too crunchy IMO.

I need to go to the dentist. I have a handful of cavities and my teeth are starting to hurt. I should've had them filled over a year ago, but I was getting married and got KU. Anyway . . .

I also need glasses. Damn lasik doesn't stay around forever.

If I hadn't before, I think I just truly earned the title of RAMBLER now, huh? Fertile or not, I'm all over the damn place. Am I losing my mind, is this temporary insanity, or am I kinda-sorta normal and don't quite know it??? I know I'm not perfectly normal. I mean, come on . . . really people . . .

Comment away friends, family, strangers, lurkers, countrymen, countrywomen, cityfolk, migrant workers, whomever. I'm off to drink wine. And sleep. And blow my runny, sneezy nose. This allergy stuff is kicking my ass.


April & Geoff said...

That is a really tough decision. I can't say what I would do in your shoes, but I think for those who are closest to me, I would want them to know.
I hope that this quandry is one that requires a decision soon! :)

kate said...

That's really hard decision to make. I think you need to tell someone other than DH just because it will give you a support system.
I can only speak from a loss perspective, but I definitely couldn't have made it though without the support of the few people that we told. My mom and my two best friends knew. DH's family has no idea we ever had a loss or that we have been TTC for 18 months.
So, in closing (yes, I'm a rambler too), I think you should tell a few close people IRL. And definitely let us at TTC/PL know. You know we've always got your back! :) But do whatever feels right to you. And like the PP said, I hope it's something you have to decide soon. ((hugs))

Jess said...

#1 missy....I better know!
#2...stay positive!'s always better to have more people pulling for you and praying than no one, but you and Todd.
#4...there is nothing to be shameful one is going to think anything, but great things for you both!

Newt said...

Ummm...well, honey, I love ya, but I know we're really different. I'm a lazy, messy introvert, and you're an industrious, tidy people person. So take this however you want.

I was a big fan of keeping all my pregnancies secret, both the sad ones and the (so far) successful one. I couldn't stand the pity face, couldn't handle keeping people updated with every doctor's appointment, and didn't want to face un-telling people if something went wrong.

In fact, people say a lot of dumb things to pregnant women, even much later in the pregnancy. And I'm sure you know people say even dumber things when you miscarry (hopefully your people are smarter and nicer than run-of-the-mill people and don't do that).

For me, protecting myself from scrutiny was definitely the best choice. For you, follow your big heart. I, too, hope this is a quandry that forces a decision very soon!

Nikki said...

Girl, you're crazy and I love you for it. As my mom always tells me, just pray on it. I agree with the pp's on you need a support system. Do you need to yell it from the rooftops - no. But I would tell your closest family members and friends.

Laurie said...

I think you will know in your heart who to tell and who not to tell. Hang in there!

Julie said...

Sweetie, all I can say that I feel like you took the words right out of my own head....especially the part about the "girl who cried wolf" as I cannot think of a better way to describe it. Bottom line is that I think until you're there in those shoes, you can analyze and obsess over it all you want, but you won't know what is right for you until that moment. So, until then AND once you get there you have all of us :)

Anonymous said...

I find it much easier to tell people who are not related to me about being pregnant. Right now, I have told a few good friends and my bosses at work. Had to tell the bosses though since I am out once a week, sometimes two at doc appointments.

I know you will "know" what to do when your time comes.

Wifezzilla said...

I was thinking of this very same thought this morning - if and when it happens for us (i can't even bring myself to say the word pregnant since it now just seems unreal it may ever happen) how do we tell, and when do we tell. DH wants to tell halfway through, and now i am thinking the same thing.

and also funny, i need to go to the dentis AND get new eyeglasses. i put off the dentis because of TTC, and i put off getting glasses because the losses have definitely interfered.

Just, it's nice to relate.

and i will probably tell my imaginary interweb friends before my family and friends IRL, just because it's the way i am. but i may hold off for a few weeks. THAT'S an announcement i'm thinking of though. strange, huh?!

sorry to ramble in your ramble.

Wifezzilla said...

and do you know what else? i think that when people here you had a second loss, they think it gets easier to deal with AND that it wasn't that big of a deal because oyu've been through it before.

i also feel like when i tell people i am pregnant (again, IF it happens) they wi;l just hold of on being happy because they will think it wont matter since i lose them.

is that messed up? i only told my imaginary interweb friends about the second BFP, so mytheory hasn't been tested in the real world.

KandiB said...

We decided to tell a few very close friends and family - the ones we knew from past m/c's really care and aren't just going to be a subject at the next book club meeting.

Trish said...

I don't know. Telling the 3rd time was rough for me. I didn't want to tell anyone.

David told a bunch of people right away (after HE said "we're not telling ANYONE.) and then didnt' tell me he told, so I was blindsided by the comments.
And I was still in denial mode, so I just stared at them like "what are you so excited about."

OH- who am I kidding.. I was denial until 2 days before I was in the hospital to have him.

Miscarriage is so hard.. it just steals all that bliss away.

Here's my perspective.. When I got sick and they put me in the hospital and I was facing maybe losing Robbie, you know what I thought?

It honestly wasn't "Damn, I never should have gotten attached."
It was "I wasted all that time not connecting to him.. I wasted that time loving him.."

So I think if we ever lose our minds and try (and succeed) at getting pregnant again, I think I'll tell.
Or not.

Mrs Little Fisch said...

Hi there! De-lurking to say that pears are actually in season here right now, for what it's worth (I'm in Italy). As for the telling or not telling ... I'm not sure what I'd do either. It's so good to be able to share good news (even if it is with interwebs strangers), but you'd hate for your family to find out you had shared it on the www before you shared it with them ... So that was very helpful all-round!
Hope you're keeping well and enjoyed that wine. I like reading your ramblings, keep it up!
xx Mrs F

Jess said...

Hang in there Kristin!! I know all too well when you say about crying wolf. It sucks. I feel like when I tell people that we are pregnant I also need to add a disclaimer to it that we've had 3 losses in the past. ::Sigh:: Lots of love & hugs being sent your way!!!

seriously? said...

Hi new reader here, just wanted to say that was the hardest decision we made. We did not tell anyone (with the exception of my shrink) including our parents until the day before 12 weeks. My original goal was 14 but DH parents went away for a month and foiled that plan. When the time comes you will do what is right for you.

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