I'm preparing to clean out the "front" bedroom, aka as the nursery-wannabe. I've been putting off for several reasons, but the time has come. I'm going to clean out (excavate), repaint & redecorate our guest room and move some of the front bedroom's stuff into that room. I'm getting rid of the king-sized bed in the guest room and moving the queen bed and nightstands from the front bedroom in there. I'll also clean out the closet and begin purging. It needs to be done, but this poses two issues for me.
Firstly, I want this room to be a NURSERY. Not just a nursery, but a nursery for a LIVE BABY. Not a place for us to wish for or hope for or sit in and cry while waiting, but a real live place for our real live little baby/babies. I refuse to break my heart even more by actually painting and preparing it as such, but I can at least clean it out, right?
This room almost shouts to me asking where its baby is. When will it be painted and decorated and filled with toys and books and blankies and diapers and - most of all - love? Right now it's basically the cat room. It's a safe place for the cat to get away from the dogs and be old and cranky. It also houses my scrapbook armoire, a small desk, an extra bed, and some storage. Even with all of that settled in there, it's still not a complete room.
The second issue is what lies beneath the queen bed in the nursery wannabe. Baby stuff. A cute, green baby outfit friends bought us when we found out we were pregnant for the first time. Books my mom bought us the second time we were pregnant. A Kate Spade diaper bag my MIL gave me for Christmas before she learned of our miscarriages and IF. A cute picture frame my friend Maria sent me with her leftover heparin we just "knew" I'd need soon. (which has since expired) Bottle bags. Cans of formula. Pacifiers. A nursing cover. And much more that I've tried to shove in the recesses of my heart and mind, but I still remember.
My mind plays tricks on me and I begin thinking silly things like, "Maybe God wants me to make room for a baby" and "Maybe God is waiting for my cat to die before I get a baby" and "Maybe God simply doesn't want us to have a baby." Well, no matter what God wants, I'm cleaning out that room. I just hope He wants it to be filled with a baby or two . . . and very soon.
Do you have a room or space that longs to be filled with a baby? What does that room say to you? And what do you say back? Wanting a baby isn't just about a barren uterus, empty arms, and a broken heart. It's emotional and physical - in more places than just inside us.
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4 comments:
Oh boy do I understand this post!! I just wrote a similar post about our guest bedroom. We are sooo on the same page. I am wishing and hoping...for the both of us!!
My hope for you is that you do not give up! I want to share something with you that might help.
I have a very close friend that got married at 40, miscarried once & gave up. For the next six years she saw her friends & family fill their days with children while she herself remained childless. She watched how much her DH enjoyed being with the nieces & nephews. She regretted not trying again with ART before it was "too late". But, we told her it was not too late, that she could still be a mom although it would not be the way she originally planned it. With great courage she turned to her sister & with great compassion, her sister said yes. At 48, with donor eggs, she became pregnant and she now has the family she was hoping for. It may not be exactly the way they planned it, not the conventional way but for them, it was the right way finally. This is a personal story of mine, but I see it repeated with other infertile couples at my practice with great outcomes. I only want to mention this because my friend wanted to give up too...but we are glad she didn't. :)
I'm in complete agreement. I have the guest room done but I'm in the process of hand-stripping the hardwoods in the 2nd bedroom that should be a nursery. I'm turning it into my craft room/office. At least all the bough baby items are downstairs still packed away from the move. I don't intend on opening that tub anytime soon. (((hugs)))
And I can't remember if I told you this or not (short term memory I swear, lol) but...I nominated you for an award over on my blog.
I know my words may ring a little hollow, but I do get it. I want Seth to need bunk beds in his room. Is that selfish, seeing as how I have my two beautiful children? I don't think so.
I will always long, at least a little, for what life would have brought had I been left to raise two boys....
?????
A lifetime of looking at a room one way, no matter how put together, and wondering....telling myself it was supposed to look another way.
Hugs.
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