10.25.10
I met with Dr. Super and his gang of helpers today (I need to get them all named!), and Holy Buh-jeezus. We are preparing to wreak complete havoc on my jacked-up body very soon. Wow.
I'm going to be on what is called the LA10-E2V (agonist/antagonist conversion protocol with estrogen priming) protocol. I'm still in a VERY steep learning curve & have a ton to learn before I begin shooting up my body several times a day for days on end in hopes of a baby.
Gotta go read myself past the point of head-swimming confusion & get ready to do this. As soon as my Provera kicks in & AF shows, I'll begin BCP. My IVF cycle (meaning all the meds) will start on 11/5.
Oh Lawdy have mercy - here we go.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
An Advocate
I am SO thankful to my IVF clinic that they referred me to Freedom Fertility Pharmacy. I have spent hours on the phone with my insurance trying to sort everything out for my meds. So frustrating. After four long calls with four different people and four different results, my coordinating nurse sent all of my prescriptions to Freedom. THEY are going to be an advocate for me in dealing with my insurance. They will figure out what is and what is not covered, then they will fill all of the other meds for a decent price. How awesome is that?!
As everyone at the clinic has said, I am on a LOT of meds (to be exact - 13 different ones for now). It's nice to have yet another person on the team that is helping with this overwhelming and confusing process. We'll take all we can get!
GAME ON
Cycle 43, CD1
After 40 days in absentia, AF has finally arrived! Never thought I'd be happy to see her red-headed slut face. However, she brought her entire crampy family with her thus bringing me some major discomfort. I'll take it, though, because I was worried my body had completely failed me and we wouldn't be able to do this IVF cycle.
I started my bcp today. I haven't been on the pill since Februrary of 2007, so it was weird to open that pack! We go to the clinic this week for more b/w, to sign paperwork, and for DH to leave a sample to be frozen in case we need it on ER day. Friday is when I begin meds and injections, but today --- TODAY --- starts the final game for us.
GAME ON.
After 40 days in absentia, AF has finally arrived! Never thought I'd be happy to see her red-headed slut face. However, she brought her entire crampy family with her thus bringing me some major discomfort. I'll take it, though, because I was worried my body had completely failed me and we wouldn't be able to do this IVF cycle.
I started my bcp today. I haven't been on the pill since Februrary of 2007, so it was weird to open that pack! We go to the clinic this week for more b/w, to sign paperwork, and for DH to leave a sample to be frozen in case we need it on ER day. Friday is when I begin meds and injections, but today --- TODAY --- starts the final game for us.
GAME ON.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The Reason
Welcome to those who have made it to "the other side." Now, before you read everything ahead you must know that AF is still MIA. And I'm getting kinda pissed about it. I swear I'm going to wipe my vag raw checking for the faintest spot of blood. It's crazy, but she is.not.here. Don't know why I'm surprised since this whole 3-hour tour of TTC has turned into me becoming the damn Skipper of the SS Minnow. I look and feel and probably act like him too now, but I don't have the Professor to keep me stable. (ramble ramble ramble) Anyway . . . . . . .
The reason I have taken the blog private is summed up in three words. They start with I, V, and F. Yes, my friends, IVF - that's in vitro fertilization for you laypeople. Many women/couples are cool posting all of the details of their IVF travels for public consumption, and while I typically would be, I'm not now. In fact, I'm scared to death.
Am I scared of all the time off work it will require? No.
Am I scared of all the blood draws? No.
Am I scared of the paperwork? No.
Am I scared of the tons of medication? No.
Am I scared of the injections? No.
Am I scared of the bloating? No.
Am I scared of the bruising?
Am I scared of the hormone swings? No.
Am I scared of the havoc that will wreak my body? No.
Am I scared of pain & discomfort? No.
Am I scared of the procedures? No.
Am I scared of all the money it will take? Maybe.
So, you're probably thinking, "Okay, what ARE you scared of?" Well, I'm scared of failing. This whole process of trying to have a baby has been a total failure. It's taken almost four years and cost thousands of dollars only with results of a broken heart and no baby. I'm scared we will do all of this and still not have our dream of a biological child fulfilled.
More importantly, though, is the fact that this is our ONLY SHOT. Did you hear me? ONLY shot, people. Due the fact that we are both teachers and don't own a money tree (damnit!), this is a HUGE financial commitment for us. So much so that we can only afford one try. We are looking at as much as $22,000 due to the procedures, genetic testing, and medications. This is money that we do NOT have, but we are doing everything we possibly can to make it work. IVF will be a strain on every facet of our personal, financial, marital, and physical life. We're doing it anyway because we're desperate.
Just to be in full disclosure, this blog and my own living room will be the only places I plan to talk about our plans moving into and experiencing IVF. Not even our entire families are aware of what we are doing. (As of this posting, it's really just my mom & DH's brother.) Our entire journey of not having a baby has been public - and I realize that it's by my own doing - but I am needing for things to be more quiet now. I need to have the chance to destress and not feel that I need to keep up with everyone and everything. This blog is my living journal just as it would be a handwritten diary in my nightstand drawer. I will blog as I see fit/need, and I will not discuss it further, unless it is of my choosing.
Those of you who have experienced this know how it feels for well-meaning people to feel that your body is a topic of idle conversation. So, if you know my DH and/or me IRL or even on the internet (FB/TB/Besties, other online forums, work, mutual friends, etc.), I am asking for your discretion and courtesy in keeping your damn mouth shut. Don't ask me questions, don't post things about it (not even what you think is in code), don't talk about it with one another, etc. The only people who will know what is going on other than our parents and a few select family members are those who have access to this blog.
If anyone chooses to disrespect my wishes, I will not only shut this blog down but I will stop sharing with everyone altogether. I'm not trying to sound ugly, but I really and truly mean it. I have been perfectly open with our journey, and I hope that you will respect the fact that I desperately need some privacy now. (I mean, hell, if you're on here you'll know everything anyway.) With that being said . . .
Although I'm scared out of my mind, our plan is to move forward with hope and confidence. It's really all we have.
The reason I have taken the blog private is summed up in three words. They start with I, V, and F. Yes, my friends, IVF - that's in vitro fertilization for you laypeople. Many women/couples are cool posting all of the details of their IVF travels for public consumption, and while I typically would be, I'm not now. In fact, I'm scared to death.
Am I scared of all the time off work it will require? No.
Am I scared of all the blood draws? No.
Am I scared of the paperwork? No.
Am I scared of the tons of medication? No.
Am I scared of the injections? No.
Am I scared of the bloating? No.
Am I scared of the bruising?
Am I scared of the hormone swings? No.
Am I scared of the havoc that will wreak my body? No.
Am I scared of pain & discomfort? No.
Am I scared of the procedures? No.
Am I scared of all the money it will take? Maybe.
So, you're probably thinking, "Okay, what ARE you scared of?" Well, I'm scared of failing. This whole process of trying to have a baby has been a total failure. It's taken almost four years and cost thousands of dollars only with results of a broken heart and no baby. I'm scared we will do all of this and still not have our dream of a biological child fulfilled.
More importantly, though, is the fact that this is our ONLY SHOT. Did you hear me? ONLY shot, people. Due the fact that we are both teachers and don't own a money tree (damnit!), this is a HUGE financial commitment for us. So much so that we can only afford one try. We are looking at as much as $22,000 due to the procedures, genetic testing, and medications. This is money that we do NOT have, but we are doing everything we possibly can to make it work. IVF will be a strain on every facet of our personal, financial, marital, and physical life. We're doing it anyway because we're desperate.
Just to be in full disclosure, this blog and my own living room will be the only places I plan to talk about our plans moving into and experiencing IVF. Not even our entire families are aware of what we are doing. (As of this posting, it's really just my mom & DH's brother.) Our entire journey of not having a baby has been public - and I realize that it's by my own doing - but I am needing for things to be more quiet now. I need to have the chance to destress and not feel that I need to keep up with everyone and everything. This blog is my living journal just as it would be a handwritten diary in my nightstand drawer. I will blog as I see fit/need, and I will not discuss it further, unless it is of my choosing.
Those of you who have experienced this know how it feels for well-meaning people to feel that your body is a topic of idle conversation. So, if you know my DH and/or me IRL or even on the internet (FB/TB/Besties, other online forums, work, mutual friends, etc.), I am asking for your discretion and courtesy in keeping your damn mouth shut. Don't ask me questions, don't post things about it (not even what you think is in code), don't talk about it with one another, etc. The only people who will know what is going on other than our parents and a few select family members are those who have access to this blog.
If anyone chooses to disrespect my wishes, I will not only shut this blog down but I will stop sharing with everyone altogether. I'm not trying to sound ugly, but I really and truly mean it. I have been perfectly open with our journey, and I hope that you will respect the fact that I desperately need some privacy now. (I mean, hell, if you're on here you'll know everything anyway.) With that being said . . .
Although I'm scared out of my mind, our plan is to move forward with hope and confidence. It's really all we have.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
CD34
This is INSANE. 3rd day of Provera . . . still no AF. WTH??? Teeny bit of brown spotting, but nothing that really matters. I am NEVER late, much less like this. My crazy-ass body. If I hadn't spent so much money on it, I'd trade this one in for a working model. I'm starting to get cranky now. (okay, more cranky)
Last Call
Last call for alcohol! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!
OOPS. I'm not single, 25, thinking I'm fertile & at the bars anymore. It's not the last call for alcohol (although a drink sounds kinda good right now - it's 5:00 somehwere, right?!). Yet again, I digress . . .
Last call to get initial access to my ramblings. It'll be private by tomorrow. I'll then post a few different entries that I've been holding on to lately, so you'll havemore of my crap a few things to put you to sleep read soon. Others will have the opportunity to access my blog, but they'll have to go through the process of learning it's private first. Tsk, tsk to them for being late.
As I've said . . . thanks for continuing on this journey with me. Please fasten your seat belts & hold on tight. This may be a bumpy ride!
OOPS. I'm not single, 25, thinking I'm fertile & at the bars anymore. It's not the last call for alcohol (although a drink sounds kinda good right now - it's 5:00 somehwere, right?!). Yet again, I digress . . .
Last call to get initial access to my ramblings. It'll be private by tomorrow. I'll then post a few different entries that I've been holding on to lately, so you'll have
As I've said . . . thanks for continuing on this journey with me. Please fasten your seat belts & hold on tight. This may be a bumpy ride!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
About Going Private
Thanks to all of you who have requested to keep on this journey with me. I didn't know I had such wonderful readers out there! Many of you have sent me your amazing stories - some sharing for the very first time. I truly thank you for that. I'm sorry that I have not been able to respond to your emails in detail, but I am going to send each of you a confirmation that your request was received.
I noticed today that a few messages were landing in my SPAM folder which I never check but automatically just empty. If you do not get a confirmation email from me, PLEASE EMAIL ME AGAIN! I am thrilled that I won't be blogging in to empty space and would like everyone to hang with me for a while longer.
I noticed today that a few messages were landing in my SPAM folder which I never check but automatically just empty. If you do not get a confirmation email from me, PLEASE EMAIL ME AGAIN! I am thrilled that I won't be blogging in to empty space and would like everyone to hang with me for a while longer.
Explanations Anyone?
All I could come up with was, "Wellllll . . . ya know . . . uhhh . . . ya know how it feels when you're kinda constipated and you feel that you need to poop . . . but you can't? Yeah. That's how it feels." What a terrible explanation! As I was trying to fall asleep (but couldn't due to discomfort), I thought of what I should have said. Next time I'll write it down in the dark & try to decipher it in the morning. It was good - REALLY good. But I did sleep at least a couple of hours last night and forgot.
So, what have you tried to explain (successfully or unsuccessfully) to your DH/SO?
Don't forget, my Ramblings are going private in a day or two. Email me if you want to stick around for more! kekis26 @ gmail . com
Monday, October 25, 2010
Olly Olly Oxen Free!!
OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE! Ya know what, AF? Ya crazy bitch --- you won't come out and play, so we're coming in to get you. Went to Dr. Super today & while AF is MIA with BFNs, the u/s showed no cysts. How's that for acronyms??!! :)
I've been miserable & this has to end. Therefore, Provera is the plan. Game on, you evil, red-headed slut.
I've been miserable & this has to end. Therefore, Provera is the plan. Game on, you evil, red-headed slut.
Courage
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ” - Mary Anne Radmacher
PS - My blog will go private in a couple of days. I've received many requests from many of those I do and do not know. Please feel free to email me if you'd like access. kekis26 @ gmail . com
PS - My blog will go private in a couple of days. I've received many requests from many of those I do and do not know. Please feel free to email me if you'd like access. kekis26 @ gmail . com
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