Welcome to those who have made it to "the other side." Now, before you read everything ahead you must know that AF is still MIA. And I'm getting kinda pissed about it. I swear I'm going to wipe my vag raw checking for the faintest spot of blood. It's crazy, but she is.not.here. Don't know why I'm surprised since this whole 3-hour tour of TTC has turned into me becoming the damn Skipper of the SS Minnow. I look and feel and probably act like him too now, but I don't have the Professor to keep me stable. (ramble ramble ramble) Anyway . . . . . . .
The reason I have taken the blog private is summed up in three words. They start with I, V, and F. Yes, my friends, IVF - that's in vitro fertilization for you laypeople. Many women/couples are cool posting all of the details of their IVF travels for public consumption, and while I typically would be, I'm not now. In fact, I'm scared to death.
Am I scared of all the time off work it will require? No.
Am I scared of all the blood draws? No.
Am I scared of the paperwork? No.
Am I scared of the tons of medication? No.
Am I scared of the injections? No.
Am I scared of the bloating? No.
Am I scared of the bruising?
Am I scared of the hormone swings? No.
Am I scared of the havoc that will wreak my body? No.
Am I scared of pain & discomfort? No.
Am I scared of the procedures? No.
Am I scared of all the money it will take? Maybe.
So, you're probably thinking, "Okay, what ARE you scared of?" Well, I'm scared of failing. This whole process of trying to have a baby has been a total failure. It's taken almost four years and cost thousands of dollars only with results of a broken heart and no baby. I'm scared we will do all of this and still not have our dream of a biological child fulfilled.
More importantly, though, is the fact that this is our ONLY SHOT. Did you hear me? ONLY shot, people. Due the fact that we are both teachers and don't own a money tree (damnit!), this is a HUGE financial commitment for us. So much so that we can only afford one try. We are looking at as much as $22,000 due to the procedures, genetic testing, and medications. This is money that we do NOT have, but we are doing everything we possibly can to make it work. IVF will be a strain on every facet of our personal, financial, marital, and physical life. We're doing it anyway because we're desperate.
Just to be in full disclosure, this blog and my own living room will be the only places I plan to talk about our plans moving into and experiencing IVF. Not even our entire families are aware of what we are doing. (As of this posting, it's really just my mom & DH's brother.) Our entire journey of not having a baby has been public - and I realize that it's by my own doing - but I am needing for things to be more quiet now. I need to have the chance to destress and not feel that I need to keep up with everyone and everything. This blog is my living journal just as it would be a handwritten diary in my nightstand drawer. I will blog as I see fit/need, and I will not discuss it further, unless it is of my choosing.
Those of you who have experienced this know how it feels for well-meaning people to feel that your body is a topic of idle conversation. So, if you know my DH and/or me IRL or even on the internet (FB/TB/Besties, other online forums, work, mutual friends, etc.), I am asking for your discretion and courtesy in keeping your damn mouth shut. Don't ask me questions, don't post things about it (not even what you think is in code), don't talk about it with one another, etc. The only people who will know what is going on other than our parents and a few select family members are those who have access to this blog.
If anyone chooses to disrespect my wishes, I will not only shut this blog down but I will stop sharing with everyone altogether. I'm not trying to sound ugly, but I really and truly mean it. I have been perfectly open with our journey, and I hope that you will respect the fact that I desperately need some privacy now. (I mean, hell, if you're on here you'll know everything anyway.) With that being said . . .
Although I'm scared out of my mind, our plan is to move forward with hope and confidence. It's really all we have.