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Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Reason

Welcome to those who have made it to "the other side."  Now, before you read everything ahead you must know that AF is still MIA.  And I'm getting kinda pissed about it.  I swear I'm going to wipe my vag raw checking for the faintest spot of blood.  It's crazy, but she  Don't know why I'm surprised since this whole 3-hour tour of TTC has turned into me becoming the damn Skipper of the SS Minnow.   I look and feel and probably act like him too now, but I don't have the Professor to keep me stable. (ramble ramble ramble)  Anyway . . . . . . .

The reason I have taken the blog private is summed up in three words.  They start with I, V, and F.  Yes, my friends, IVF - that's in vitro fertilization for you laypeople.  Many women/couples are cool posting all of the details of their IVF travels for public consumption, and while I typically would be, I'm not now.  In fact, I'm scared to death.

Am I scared of all the time off work it will require?  No.
Am I scared of all the blood draws?  No.
Am I scared of the paperwork?  No.
Am I scared of the tons of medication?  No.
Am I scared of the injections?  No.
Am I scared of the bloating?  No.
Am I scared of the bruising?
Am I scared of the hormone swings?  No.
Am I scared of the havoc that will wreak my body?  No.
Am I scared of pain & discomfort?  No.
Am I scared of the procedures?  No.
Am I scared of all the money it will take?  Maybe.

So, you're probably thinking, "Okay, what ARE you scared of?"  Well, I'm scared of failing.  This whole process of trying to have a baby has been a total failure.  It's taken almost four years and cost thousands of dollars only with results of a broken heart and no baby.  I'm scared we will do all of this and still not have our dream of a biological child fulfilled.

More importantly, though, is the fact that this is our ONLY SHOT.  Did you hear me?  ONLY shot, people.  Due the fact that we are both teachers and don't own a money tree (damnit!), this is a HUGE financial commitment for us.  So much so that we can only afford one try.  We are looking at as much as $22,000 due to the procedures, genetic testing, and medications.  This is money that we do NOT have, but we are doing everything we possibly can to make it work.  IVF will be a strain on every facet of our personal, financial, marital, and physical life.  We're doing it anyway because we're desperate.

Just to be in full disclosure, this blog and my own living room will be the only places I plan to talk about our plans moving into and experiencing IVF.  Not even our entire families are aware of what we are doing.  (As of this posting, it's really just my mom & DH's brother.)  Our entire journey of not having a baby has been public - and I realize that it's by my own doing - but I am needing for things to be more quiet now.  I need to have the chance to destress and not feel that I need to keep up with everyone and everything.  This blog is my living journal just as it would be a handwritten diary in my nightstand drawer.  I will blog as I see fit/need, and I will not discuss it further, unless it is of my choosing.

Those of you who have experienced this know how it feels for well-meaning people to feel that your body is a topic of idle conversation.  So, if you know my DH and/or me IRL or even on the internet (FB/TB/Besties, other online forums, work, mutual friends, etc.), I am asking for your discretion and courtesy in keeping your damn mouth shut.  Don't ask me questions, don't post things about it (not even what you think is in code), don't talk about it with one another, etc.  The only people who will know what is going on other than our parents and a few select family members are those who have access to this blog.

If anyone chooses to disrespect my wishes, I will not only shut this blog down but I will stop sharing with everyone altogether.  I'm not trying to sound ugly, but I really and truly mean it.  I have been perfectly open with our journey, and I hope that you will respect the fact that I desperately need some privacy now.  (I mean, hell, if you're on here you'll know everything anyway.)  With that being said . . .

Although I'm scared out of my mind, our plan is to move forward with hope and confidence.  It's really all we have.


Vivian said...

i wish you nothing but the best and i truly hope you get the baby you both deserve!
always praying for you both!

AmandaMqn said...

I don't blame you one bit for going private, it's something I think about all the time. I've been so open about our IF that I kinda just wish I hadn't been for the sake of our sanity once we start IVF.

Anyway, glad to know the "secret knock" and eager to cheer you on as you start this journey. :)

Lori said...

Good Luck and happy to be included!

Adeline said...

Good luck!!! I am praying for you!

Shannon said...

I've buckled up and Im ready for the ride- I will continue to pray for you as you enter this next stage of your journey!

Marsha said...

I'm keeping my damn mouth shut! :)... and praying! Xo

A said...

We did IVF in May viewing it as our one and only try. And for now, it will remain that way, because although we probably COULD save up for another round of it, it is more emotionally taxing than we want to put ourselves through again (right now). We might change our minds some time in the future, but for now it's not on the radar.

It was scary to think that it might not work, it was awful to get the negative beta, and it is really sad to know I would have been well into my pregnancy by now. But there are peaks and valleys in life, and while that was a very low valley, we're hoping to find ourselves on a peak sometime!

kinsey said...

i've had yall on my prayer list since i first started reading your blog...prob 3 years ago! and i will definitely continue to pray!

Dave & Bobbi said...

Good Luck! And please post here if you decide to do any type of Fundraisers! Thank you for allowing me in on your journey!
Bobbi K.

Anonymous said...

I'm wishing you guys the best of luck!

Sars said...

I know it's scary but if anyone can do this - you & Todd can. Praying for you two and your future family.

Kacey said...

So excited for you!!! Move forward with hope...confidence...and FAITH!! Believe that eachstepyoive taken has led you to this spot and that its all part of his plan!

Did you ever check into that program where your meds would be free? If you need the info again let me know. Praying as always!

The Quarke Family said...

You're in my thoughts all the time Kristin. All I can do is wish, wish, wish for you, and I do, all the time.
xx Kerstin

cjdubs13 said...

Glad to join you on your journey!! Will be cheering you on the whole way!! My DH and I are both teachers too with zero IVF coverage. It's horrible.

WiseGuy said...

The joy of the red biatch is that she takes a sail whenever we really want her to just stay at port.

And please spare your use scrubbing it at all.

Okay, IVF is really a huge step in, and I pray that it will be the one for you.

I don't want to seem like dispensing free advice...but are there Micro-IVFs/ Shared Risk Programs etc available to you? Maybe that can help you rein in the cost.

I know that what I suggested is possibly redundant, and that you guys have already seen it through already.

Anyways, Good Luck!

Trish said...

Wishing you luck that this shot is it.
No worries on the privacy. I'm sure we all get it.
Hell, you know where we are and seriously, just YESTERDAY, I nearly flipped my lid in the lunchroom at work because people were being shitty about infertility.

I ended up schooling them in a very indignant way w/o cussing them out, so I think I did okay, but I was ready to bash heads and obviously I'm not right in the thick of it.
It is so emotionally taxing and adding having to defend your emotions and choices to morons is sometimes just too much to ask.

Laurie said...

Go for it! Been there for two rounds of IVF. It's emotionally taxing but you can do it! You will fall in love with your IVF crew. Prayers and hugs!

Meg said...

I'm just now reading this and I will pray long and hard that this one shot works!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

You guys are in my prayers!!

KerowynA said...

Kristen - As I said in my email when I signed up to follow your blog, I have not traveled your path - I have no children. But your story has captured my heart, and you have my total support. Make the decisions and do the things that are best for you.

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