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Monday, October 4, 2010

Assignment #1

The first assignment for my e-class was to give a voice to our story.  One thing that was said in our assignment instructions was that "most people don't want to hear about the children you don't have and how you miss them."  How true that is.  None of this makes any sense to someone who hasn't experienced PL or IF, but I'm giving a voice to my story on this blog and continue to do so even further in my e-class.

Here are some of the points that I included in addition to some background (a timeline of sorts) and other feelings.

"I feel like a failure, a baby killer, and that I’ve let everyone down."

". . . counseling from a complete moron of a counselor who told me I 'cry too much.'  I then become a crybaby with a temper."

"All of DH’s numbers look amazing, so I’m obviously the problem here. I continue to feel like a complete failure. This is so unfair."

"Present – Still here with an empty bank account, barren uterus and tired, broken heart. On cycle #42 and don’t have any idea how I got here or why I am going through this."

"I continue to blog, but . . . There are times I don't verbalize my thoughts and feelings because it's not worth someone in my life getting pissed off or upset by what I've said.  Those thoughts I just keep to myself and deal with on my own."

"I feel so alone . . . I still wonder what I’ve done to deserve this. I’ve spent most of my life taking care of everyone else. Now that I need others to take care of me, either nobody wants to or knows how to help me. They are all too busy with their own families to remember their barren friend. I look in the mirror and don’t even know who the person looking back at me is anymore. I hate IF. I’m sad, lonely, bitter, and pissed off in general. How I continue to go on is beyond me."

"On the horizon - I have an (upcoming) appointment with IVF specialist. Don’t know how we’ll pay for IVF since we are both teachers & have no IF coverage, but where there’s a will there’s a way. Just hoping and praying it will happen because I don’t know what I’ll do if it doesn’t. I REFUSE to give up, but really . . . how much more do I have to endure? It shouldn’t be this difficult.?"


Marsha said...

When I think about you, the first word that comes to mind is strong. Even if you don't feel like you are, that is all I see. I hate that you have to feel all of this pain and I am praying that your wait will end soon. Please know that even though I have no idea what it feels like to be in your shoes, I still hurt for you and the pain you have had to endure. It is more than what anyone should have to feel. I think of and pray for you all the time.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

The newest mantra on my blog...

If you really want to be happy, no one can stop you.

The Writer Chic said...

As much as I want a baby for you, I never, ever have the word "barren" come to mind when I think of you.

You are simply my wonderful friend Kristin.

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