Assignment #1

The first assignment for my e-class was to give a voice to our story.  One thing that was said in our assignment instructions was that "most people don't want to hear about the children you don't have and how you miss them."  How true that is.  None of this makes any sense to someone who hasn't experienced PL or IF, but I'm giving a voice to my story on this blog and continue to do so even further in my e-class.

Here are some of the points that I included in addition to some background (a timeline of sorts) and other feelings.

"I feel like a failure, a baby killer, and that I’ve let everyone down."

". . . counseling from a complete moron of a counselor who told me I 'cry too much.'  I then become a crybaby with a temper."

"All of DH’s numbers look amazing, so I’m obviously the problem here. I continue to feel like a complete failure. This is so unfair."

"Present – Still here with an empty bank account, barren uterus and tired, broken heart. On cycle #42 and don’t have any idea how I got here or why I am going through this."

"I continue to blog, but . . . There are times I don't verbalize my thoughts and feelings because it's not worth someone in my life getting pissed off or upset by what I've said.  Those thoughts I just keep to myself and deal with on my own."

"I feel so alone . . . I still wonder what I’ve done to deserve this. I’ve spent most of my life taking care of everyone else. Now that I need others to take care of me, either nobody wants to or knows how to help me. They are all too busy with their own families to remember their barren friend. I look in the mirror and don’t even know who the person looking back at me is anymore. I hate IF. I’m sad, lonely, bitter, and pissed off in general. How I continue to go on is beyond me."

"On the horizon - I have an (upcoming) appointment with IVF specialist. Don’t know how we’ll pay for IVF since we are both teachers & have no IF coverage, but where there’s a will there’s a way. Just hoping and praying it will happen because I don’t know what I’ll do if it doesn’t. I REFUSE to give up, but really . . . how much more do I have to endure? It shouldn’t be this difficult.?"

Infertility E-Class

I joined my first Infertility E-Class (through Lily @ The Infertile Mind) which starts this week.  It's a closed group of about 75 women, who are asked to participate as they feel led.  As with any public forum, there will some who speak out more than others and those who lurk.  Either way, I hope that everyone involved gets the opportunity to learn, help others, and (most importantly) help themselves.  We will have lessons to complete and posts to share on the forum.  I'm sure I will be sharing some of my learnings, but I will not share direct information of others in the class.  Here is what I posted in my introduction:

I am really looking forward to it and connecting with even more people in the IF world. When I had my miscarriages, I learned that pregnancy loss is a secret sorority. Now that I'm battling IF after RPL, I'm learning there is another secret group out there. Nobody wears a pin or a badge on the outside, but after you've shared your membership aloud, you learn there are many, many others with an unwanted membership to the secret sororities in which we find ourselves.


I am over three and a half years now into TTC without luck. It has broken me down into a person I barely know. While it's taken me a long time to get to know this new me, I'm slowly getting used to who she is while missing my old self. I don't experience joy as I used to, and my mind is filled with self-doubt, fear, and despair. So many people tell me that I am so strong and have handled all of this so well, but I am dying inside. Being strong is SUCH hard work, and I'm worn out. It is all I can do each and every day to step forward into the world without adding another crack to my brokenness.

I am hoping that this class can help me deal with my life as it is, give me another outlet for my thoughts and feelings, put words to this new person I have become, reaffirm that I am not alone, and assist me in continuing on this path.