This Week's Show & Tell

Okay, so it's not like a pretty or cool photograph you might see in someone else's S&T. It's the story behind the picture. You see a clock right? Believe it or not, it's not my biological clock (helllooooo . . . you'd hear that ticking!). It's the clock that often rings in my head when I'm reminded of a milestone.

Clock Scenario #1: I should have an almost 7-month old baby in my arms. Nope. Never mind.




Clock Scenario #2: I should have a 3-month old baby in my arms. Nope. Never mind.





Clock Scenario #3: I should be nearing my 20th week of pregnancy. Nope. Never mind.

I see and hear people, things, stories, sounds that remind me of these milestones. They aren't milestones that bring me joy. These are milestones that absolutely remind me of what I DON'T have. What I so desperately want.

I'm ready to smash the shit out of that clock. I can buy a new one if I need to. Yes, I'm a poor teacher, but I can afford a cheap clock. It'll be cheap in case I have to break another one someday.

You know what? To hell with that clock. I am going to smash it without buying another one. This is war. I want a baby and I'm going to get one. Just watch me.

The Great Debate Inside My Head

So when we do get pregnant again (notice NO IFs there), will we tell people? Part of me says, "YES!" and part of me says, "NO WAY!" My DH has always been of the mindset to keep it quiet for a while. I've had a hard time doing that but have also learned through experience it's not such a bad thing.

Some people were excited with our first pg, but not like I thought they'd be since we got pg on our honeymoon with our first bfp only two weeks after our wedding date. Our second one, the few people that did know were nervous while also trying to be hopeful. The third pg, not many people even knew about because it happened so fast. There are many people in my immediate circle of family, friends, and colleagues that have no idea I've lost more than one baby.

I'm tired of being the one who not only lets people know we're pregnant but let's them know when we're not. I've spent the past year doing that. I'm tired of being the person who constantly updates people with the bad news in her life. I'm tired of people looking at me dumbfounded because they don't know what to say - again. I'm tired of people knowing that I'm on pins & needles waiting for the axe to fall. So far it always has, so why wouldn't it again? I just feel like I've become "that person" who people avoid so they don't have to always hear sad stories and bad news.

The other part of me thinks of how much fun it would be to wait until after we've made it through the first tri. I mean not telling ANYONE. It would be a fun little secret just between the two of us. A fun little secret that would be ours - our baby. We could surprise people and actually show them pictures of our BABY (not just a speck on an u/s). How fun would that be? I even have some fun ideas on how to do it.

However, people often figure out pregnancy. Anyone who knows me knows that I like to get my drink on. Not drinking at happy hour is a definite bust for me. Yeah, I know all the ways to get around not drinking, but how long would that fly? How would I be able to hide m/s - especially as a teacher? What if I have a medical question and need to call my mom, the nurse? What if I'm scared and need my sister? And what if, God forbid, we lost another one? Where would that awesome support system of mine be?

So, the great debate continues . . . but only inside my head and on this blog for now. Hopefully I'll have the opportunity to exercise the "to tell or not to tell" decision soon.

Show & Tell: The Little Things

Yes, we want a little thing --- you know --- a baby! We're trying again & we'll see what happens again. ::hoping, praying, crossing fingers, doing the sticky baby dance:: Anyway . . . today's Show & Tell is showing you hope and telling you that we have it again.

Tonight, I was flipping through an ad that I found in the Sunday paper. It had a CUTE crib in a style that I like. Kinda like this one, but I wouldn't care if it had blue or pink bedding in it.

I showed the ad photo to my DH and said, "This is the crib style I'd like for us to get when we have a baby." He actually looked at it & said, "You should cut it out and save it." I told him that I'd remember it and knew where to find it. :)

That was a big step. In the past month or so, we are finally showing that we've had some healing take place - in our hearts and our minds. The fact that both of us can talk about the possibility of having children is huge. After spending our first year of marriage enduring three losses and coming back from that, we've finally gotten to a good place.

Now, if we can just complete that good place with a little, tiny baby. It'll happen - and hopefully sooner than later. I mean, c'mon, we already have a crib picked out!!!

Today

Today is Father's Day. While I usually greet this day with open arms for both of my Dads, a large part of my heart is sad today. Not because my Dads are no longer with me, though.

I'm sad today because I have been unable to make my husband a Dad. He will be such an amazing father, and I'm sad that my body has failed both of us - three times. Yes, I desperately want a baby, but my husband does too. He hasn't really verbalized it until recently (due to protecting me in my grief), but he wants children too. It's not just me here. It's both of us wanting to expand our family of two to more. It's a dream and a plan we both have. It's a dream and a plan that feels so far out of reach though.

I am hoping and praying that my husband will be a father this time next year. It will be the best Father's Day ever. And I can't wait.

Tagged Again! A New Meme

I've been tagged by the ever-gagging Maria. :) I figured that I better play since the music on my other blog scared her & her embryo this morning!

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tag people and posts their names, then go to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.


1. What was I doing ten years ago? Thirty years old (a mere lass!), probably 30 pounds lighter (ack!), single, living in my little 2BR condo, and in a funky place in my life. I was a Corporate Training Consultant & traveling around 20+ days per month. I had no boyfriend & because of my travel schedule, didn't see my family or friends very often. June of 1998 had me working in a double-wide trailer in Geismar, Louisiana running assessment centers for BASF's plant re-startup. It was such a glorious life!

2. Five things on my to do list for today: sleep in, get dressed, wait for repairman, catch up on some TV, maybe some laundry (I love summer break!)

3. Snacks I enjoy right now: always chips, summer fruits like berries, grapes, & peaches, ice cream

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire: pay for my hospital stay after I had a heart attack from actually being a billionaire!, pay off any debt we have, remodel the kitchen & bathrooms, build an addition atop the garage, help out our families, save, reinvest & donate to charity

5. Places I have lived: only in Texas (of course!!) - Plano, Dallas, Richardson, Commerce & Carrollton

6. People I want to know more about: Vivian, Darreth, Shannon, Jen, Kate, Jess & anyone else that wants to play!

Please Leave Me Comments

I know you're here . . . whoever you are. :) I missed out on NaComLeaveMo, but just because I don't know you IRL doesn't mean I wouldn't love to hear from you. If you came over from my other blog, you've read this already. I want comments on both blogs. I know. I'm needy.

I'm out for summer vacation and will need lots and lots of attention until August 18th. Thank you in advance for your help! COMMENT AWAY!

Show & Tell

I've decided to participate in a weekly "Show & Tell" on this here blogosphere. It's supposed to be done on Sundays, but I'm usually running a tad late for most things as it is.

My first S&T is one of my tattoos. The picture is not of good quality & you're probably thinking, "Eeewww - what an ugly ankle" but I don't really care. Do you know how hard it is to take a good picture of your ankle? It's not an easy task!

Anyway, here 'tis:




I got this one on/near the first anniversary of my baptism on April 25, 1999. I decided in that year following my baptism that I wanted a tattoo showing my journey thus far. Since you probably can't tell, my artwork is on the outside of my right ankle between the ankle bone & Achilles. (And before you ask, yes it hurt. Bad.)

I had it placed on my right ankle because that is the ankle that I tore playing soccer in 1998. I was in a boot for six weeks and could neither drive nor work during that time. It was one of those times in your life that God breaks you down so He can show you that He's in control and will lift you up in time. I was lonely, depressed, bored, broke, and feeling pretty desolate. It was in those days that I started feeling a pull towards something - and I thought it was Christ. So, on the ankle for that reason, but what about the rest?

I got the cross because it was at that time that I found God. The wings represent the angels who carried me all those years and who helped take me closer to Him. The waves below the cross represent my baptism. That day was such an amazing day full of many spiritual signs that told me I was where I needed to be.

I hesitated posting this on my blog because while I am a Christian, I am definitely an imperfect one. You may see me curse or question fate on this blog. God will forgive me though. That's the cool thing about Him I've learned!

And you may be wondering about my other tattoo. It is a crescent moon & star near my bikini line, and I won't dare try to take or post a picture of that one!

I have Shown and I have Told. Ta-dum!

Ouch.

Today is CD1 for me. Just FYI. Trying one more cycle before the RE robs us blind.

Speaking of robbing us blind, I got the EOB for my surgery last month. The hospital bill (this does not include my doctor or anesthesiologist) was $21,322.45! Dang that morphine is expensive!!! My responsibility is $2499.30. I'd rather break off a toe for a while or something like that instead paying this bill.

I saw on someone's blog the financial cost of PL/IF. Think I should start tabulating mine? I will if I can dig out all the paperwork. Let's just say I met my out of pocket expenses of $3500 this calendar year by May 1.

NOT having a baby this past year has cost much more than having a baby would have. Ugh.

Six Word Memoir

I've been tagged by Tracy, who is #1 - a great tagger, and #2 - a special friend that I "met" several months ago. We share a special bond of pregnancy loss and infertility. I've never met Tracy in person, but I check on her daily and think of her often (she's expecting an angel headed to Earth!). Tracy's always shared uplifting words, prayers and support for me, and for that I am always thankful.

So, I got tagged by Tracy again & this one is a bit more difficult for me. I can EASILY come up with strange, interesting, and fun stuff about me. However, as It in this game of tag, I have to write a six word memoir . . . a Meme. This Meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser Not Quite What I was planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure. It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet $10 that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were- "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."

I've thought a lot about what my six word memoir would be - and I'm talking thinking about it for a couple of weeks now. I'm like everyone else. I haven't had a perfect life, but it hasn't been that bad. Divorced parents, broken homes, lots of responsiblity as a child, depression, lack of self-esteem, lost relationships, bad choices, death of family and friends, health issues, disappointments, financial worries, struggles, and all of that stuff.

I don't think that I can take the prize for worst life by any means. I have an amazing (albeit totally dysfunctional) family and wonderful (though busy) friends. My husband and I have experienced difficulty in our first year of marriage (beginning that first month), but it has strengthened our bond as husband and wife. We've lost three babies in a matter of months, which has been the worst thing I have ever dealt with in my life. However, I know that it could be SO MUCH worse. But this has been my worst, and as always, I come back ready to take on more of life.

So, my six words just turned into a few paragraphs, but I wanted to explain my six words to you and myself. After all the thought I've put into it, I keep coming back to these words:

"Lived. Loved. Lost. Cried. Came back."


So - time to tag some others. Amanda, Kristin, Sarah, Jess, & Shannon --- you're on!

FFffFffFFFFffFffffff

The red-headed slut is getting ready to knock on my door yet again. I just know she is. I really, really, REALLY thought I was pg. Symptoms out the wazoo. Temp spikes - everything. I won't even say how many times I poas just thinking that BFN was because it was just too early. Well, screw early. My time is almost here. *insert all the dirty words I do & don't know here*

Oh, and screw off effing Psychic (Psycho) Brooke. You don't know crap. And you owe me a $14 refund. Seriously.

I just ate an entire pizza and finished off a bottle of wine.

Nope, I don't feel better now. ::Kristin crawls back into her IF hell hole::

Puzzle Pieces

Not too long ago, I read in another blog how there is another piece of the puzzle that needs to be added. Todd and I have been working so hard in putting so many pieces of our puzzle together. There are still some pieces that need to be added, but the biggest piece - that one important piece that has to be added to make the puzzle stay together & complete - isn't there yet. I don't feel like we are incomplete (yet) because I think the puzzle is always something you work on in a marriage and in life.

Todd recently shared with me some things that make sense. He told me that he worries about me if we can't have children of our own. He's concerned that I won't feel complete and will never be able to get over it or through it.

I think he's right. At least for now he is.

I cannot imagine NOT having my own children. I was raised raising other people's children. I've always dreamed of having babies and being a mother and having my own family. What if that can't happen?

At this point, I don't want an egg donor. I don't want to adopt. I want a baby that is made from both of us. I've been soul-searching, trying to figure out why I feel so strongly about that. I think I have an answer - or at least part of the answer.

I am an only child. Yes, I have brothers and sisters, but I am an only child by my parents. Don't get me wrong, I can't imagine not having my brothers and sisters - they ARE my brothers and sisters. However, I don't rarely (if ever) hear, "Oh, you must be sisters/brothers. You look so much alike!" If my sisters and I hear that, we just laugh! The only thing I hear is, "You look so much like your father/mother." That's fine, but I want someone that looks like me or that looks like Todd. Better yet, one that looks like both of us!

I want a baby boy that looks like his Daddy. Todd was a little tank (as are all babies in his family), and I want a tank baby that has bright blue eyes and a few little freckles on his nose. I want a little girl with bright blue eyes and (God forbid) blonde, curly hair. I don't really have anyone like that, and I want it.

Now, am I guaranteed that? No. But I have to give it my best shot. It might involve a bunch more hurt and sadness, but I have to try. I will try as long as Todd is willing and until I'm told it just won't happen.

When we finish one puzzle in life, we have to get another one and start it. Once you've had practice with puzzles you've already finished, you have some experience and look for bigger, better, more beautiful puzzles. Puzzles that have meaning or show beauty in your eyes. This puzzle we're working on now may stay on the table for a while, but I'm going to be patient and wait until that final piece fits just right. Mercy, I hope we don't accidentally drop that one, special piece on the floor. The dogs would carry it outside and tear it up. Must.be.careful.with.puzzle.