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Monday, June 30, 2008

This Week's Show & Tell

Okay, so it's not like a pretty or cool photograph you might see in someone else's S&T. It's the story behind the picture. You see a clock right? Believe it or not, it's not my biological clock (helllooooo . . . you'd hear that ticking!). It's the clock that often rings in my head when I'm reminded of a milestone.

Clock Scenario #1: I should have an almost 7-month old baby in my arms. Nope. Never mind.

Clock Scenario #2: I should have a 3-month old baby in my arms. Nope. Never mind.

Clock Scenario #3: I should be nearing my 20th week of pregnancy. Nope. Never mind.

I see and hear people, things, stories, sounds that remind me of these milestones. They aren't milestones that bring me joy. These are milestones that absolutely remind me of what I DON'T have. What I so desperately want.

I'm ready to smash the shit out of that clock. I can buy a new one if I need to. Yes, I'm a poor teacher, but I can afford a cheap clock. It'll be cheap in case I have to break another one someday.

You know what? To hell with that clock. I am going to smash it without buying another one. This is war. I want a baby and I'm going to get one. Just watch me.


RM said...

Oh Kristen, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. You and I are in quite the same boat, and I wish I could say it makes me any less angry...

You're brave to keep trying. Really brave. You will be parents. This could happen a multitude of ways, but it will happen. (This is the mantra I tell myself when I am low).

I'm going to keep up with your blog now... I'll be rooting for you!

Deborah said...

I too find the hopes and dreams that lay unfulfilled the hardest. The should have beens that are no longer. I wish I had some really good advice, but unfortunately I don't, I just try to distract myself from thinking about it. Smash the heck out of it, if it makes you feel better, just try to let these feelings go, don't let them hold you hostage. Hugs.

kate said...

These milestones are so hard to make it past some days. I can understand your anger and frustration with the clock.

I'll bring over a sledgehammer and we can smash the clocks together.


Shannon said...

Im sorry for your painful milestones. Its so easy to celebrate joy and its such a strain to commemorate sad events. I admire your faith and your attitude. I love how you said in your last blog "when I get pregnant again" It shows that, no matter what life has thrown at you, you're still on your feet and fightning. Its not an easy battle to fight, but you will win!

Stephanie said...

The milestones are so hard. I should be 19 weeks this week. Every time I think of that my heart just sinks.

I like your die hard WILL have a baby! You WILL!!!

Maria (MKC101103) said...

The milestones are the hardest. Some dates will forever be burned into our memories. I just know that you'll have new memories this time next year to overshadow the bad ones.

Jess said...

LOL! I LOVE your attitude!! It made me smile! As far as the milestones...they suck!! My first EDD is less then a month away!! I'm not looking forward to it.

Mark & Amanda said...

Let's have a clock bashing party! I pray that you'll have your precious baby have been so supportive to me since my arrival to PL and I really pray for a happy ending which would be a beginning for you.

Christopher and Tracy said...

Kristen, you're one of the sweetest people ever! You're always so supportive no matter what you're going through. I just hope and pray that you have your baby SOON!
I admire your strength and your grace.
That said, smash the hell out of any clock you see. ;)

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