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Friday, June 27, 2008

The Great Debate Inside My Head

So when we do get pregnant again (notice NO IFs there), will we tell people? Part of me says, "YES!" and part of me says, "NO WAY!" My DH has always been of the mindset to keep it quiet for a while. I've had a hard time doing that but have also learned through experience it's not such a bad thing.

Some people were excited with our first pg, but not like I thought they'd be since we got pg on our honeymoon with our first bfp only two weeks after our wedding date. Our second one, the few people that did know were nervous while also trying to be hopeful. The third pg, not many people even knew about because it happened so fast. There are many people in my immediate circle of family, friends, and colleagues that have no idea I've lost more than one baby.

I'm tired of being the one who not only lets people know we're pregnant but let's them know when we're not. I've spent the past year doing that. I'm tired of being the person who constantly updates people with the bad news in her life. I'm tired of people looking at me dumbfounded because they don't know what to say - again. I'm tired of people knowing that I'm on pins & needles waiting for the axe to fall. So far it always has, so why wouldn't it again? I just feel like I've become "that person" who people avoid so they don't have to always hear sad stories and bad news.

The other part of me thinks of how much fun it would be to wait until after we've made it through the first tri. I mean not telling ANYONE. It would be a fun little secret just between the two of us. A fun little secret that would be ours - our baby. We could surprise people and actually show them pictures of our BABY (not just a speck on an u/s). How fun would that be? I even have some fun ideas on how to do it.

However, people often figure out pregnancy. Anyone who knows me knows that I like to get my drink on. Not drinking at happy hour is a definite bust for me. Yeah, I know all the ways to get around not drinking, but how long would that fly? How would I be able to hide m/s - especially as a teacher? What if I have a medical question and need to call my mom, the nurse? What if I'm scared and need my sister? And what if, God forbid, we lost another one? Where would that awesome support system of mine be?

So, the great debate continues . . . but only inside my head and on this blog for now. Hopefully I'll have the opportunity to exercise the "to tell or not to tell" decision soon.

9 comments:

Maria (MKC101103) said...

We really struggled with that one.

With pg #1 we told people right away, then had to un-tell them.

With pg #2 most people knew we were doing IVF so they knew pretty early on again. Then we had to un-tell them at 8 weeks after the excitement of the heartbeat two weeks before that.

For pg #3 we only told a select few, but unfortunately had to un-tell them again.

Now with pg #4, my Mom knew b/c she took me to my FET. And we swore her to secrecy.

We're going to a family party over the July 4th weekend so we will HAVE to tell people then...I'm starting to show! I'll be 12 weeks that Sunday so we're just about in the 2nd tri so we feel a bit safer. Since I'm on so many meds I started showing a few weeks ago but luckily we've avoided social occassions.

It was a pretty easy decision for us to stay so tight-lipped about it but it will be fun to walk into the party and have aunts and cousins freak out at the site of my baby bump :)

Newt said...

Yeah, I've had trouble with this also. Fortunately, school was out right about when the m/s hit, so I could puke in privacy and comfort.

But I like to get my drink on, too! I have been glad Mr. Newt and have been doing so much traveling, so the people we're going out with don't know how UNNATURAL it is for me to be ordering lemonade. Any of my friends would be on to me in a flash!

Susan K said...

I'm having the exact same debate with myself. My DH is like yours--disinclined to tell anyone anything until we're out of the first tri. There are just way too many pros and cons to people knowing or not knowing! I think all we can do is hope whatever choices we make at each step turn out to be the right ones.

Laurie said...

Hang in there sister. Whatever you decide about this - and whenever you decide to talk about it, it will be the right time for you. We love you and support you in good times and bad. Sending you prayers and positive thoughts.

mrsb2007 said...

I live inside your head. I get to know. j/s

Mark & Amanda said...

It will definitely be a hard decision for me to, but hopefully we'll both have to make that decision soon!

Jess said...

Ditto Sarah....I BETTER know! Just sayin'!

I'm dealing with the same dilemma...but on a different scale. Do I share when we start the fertility treatments hardcore...for support and prayers...for either a failed treatment or a successful one? It's such a hard decision. I HATE that infertility is like a forbidden thing to share. We need the support, but it makes people uncomfortable.

M said...

I'm pretty sure if and when we ever get a BFP, only my blog readers will know. I don't see us telling anyone in the real world until the 2nd tri.

Nicki said...

Not sure if you will even see this, because I stumbled across your blog today, and it is now 2012 - however, I just have to say 'thank you' - for putting into words the questions, anger, frustration, fear and fear and fear that I am feeling and unable to express as neatly. My husband and I have lost our 3rd child this month, and told people - with hope that this one would 'stick' and that perhaps, the more people who knew, the more 'sticky' it would be. Unfortunately that is not the case, and we lost this one, too. Insurance won't pay for any testing whatsoever having to do with infertility, and the pain and anger I have over that seems overwhelming right now. I can't even begin to put it into words. We know we can become pregnant, we just can't get it to stick. I am so scared for another pregnancy - so afraid I am not strong enough to deal with another mc. So angry - angry that I won't be able to truly enjoy another pregnancy, for all the fears that rage through my brain. Anyway, the real purpose of this note is to just say 'thank-you' for your words. I started at the beginning and am working my way to the present, but what you have back here at the beginning is comforting and I appreciate it. Thanks!

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