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Sunday, June 1, 2008

Puzzle Pieces

Not too long ago, I read in another blog how there is another piece of the puzzle that needs to be added. Todd and I have been working so hard in putting so many pieces of our puzzle together. There are still some pieces that need to be added, but the biggest piece - that one important piece that has to be added to make the puzzle stay together & complete - isn't there yet. I don't feel like we are incomplete (yet) because I think the puzzle is always something you work on in a marriage and in life.

Todd recently shared with me some things that make sense. He told me that he worries about me if we can't have children of our own. He's concerned that I won't feel complete and will never be able to get over it or through it.

I think he's right. At least for now he is.

I cannot imagine NOT having my own children. I was raised raising other people's children. I've always dreamed of having babies and being a mother and having my own family. What if that can't happen?

At this point, I don't want an egg donor. I don't want to adopt. I want a baby that is made from both of us. I've been soul-searching, trying to figure out why I feel so strongly about that. I think I have an answer - or at least part of the answer.

I am an only child. Yes, I have brothers and sisters, but I am an only child by my parents. Don't get me wrong, I can't imagine not having my brothers and sisters - they ARE my brothers and sisters. However, I don't rarely (if ever) hear, "Oh, you must be sisters/brothers. You look so much alike!" If my sisters and I hear that, we just laugh! The only thing I hear is, "You look so much like your father/mother." That's fine, but I want someone that looks like me or that looks like Todd. Better yet, one that looks like both of us!

I want a baby boy that looks like his Daddy. Todd was a little tank (as are all babies in his family), and I want a tank baby that has bright blue eyes and a few little freckles on his nose. I want a little girl with bright blue eyes and (God forbid) blonde, curly hair. I don't really have anyone like that, and I want it.

Now, am I guaranteed that? No. But I have to give it my best shot. It might involve a bunch more hurt and sadness, but I have to try. I will try as long as Todd is willing and until I'm told it just won't happen.

When we finish one puzzle in life, we have to get another one and start it. Once you've had practice with puzzles you've already finished, you have some experience and look for bigger, better, more beautiful puzzles. Puzzles that have meaning or show beauty in your eyes. This puzzle we're working on now may stay on the table for a while, but I'm going to be patient and wait until that final piece fits just right. Mercy, I hope we don't accidentally drop that one, special piece on the floor. The dogs would carry it outside and tear it up.


Maria (MKC101103) said...

That was beautifully written, Kristen.

Shannon said...

This post is a beautiful explanation of your feelings. I think its in most women's DNA to want to be a mother and when you get to the point of wondering if it will happen, there is a void left in your heart and in your life. I pray that you are blessed with a full puzzle to enjoy!

Mark & Amanda said...

I'm praying that you'll have that final piece to the puzzle soon!

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